Losing a part of me

Tag: Mental Health

  • Day 12 Screwup

    I was doing well through the first half of yesterday… and then I fell hard. After I took my son to the gun range (a very positive experience I will say) I ran a couple of errands, and then decided that a salad at my favourite Italian restaurant wouldn’t hurt. It likely would not have… except that it ended up as a salad and a plate of pasta with creamy sauce. What a mistake. I’ll be back on track today… especially knowing that my new meal replacements should be arriving today and I can try the soups!

    I paid the price of course… my weight was up over a pound this morning. Of course, had I re-weighed myself after my second trip to the washroom that might have been down some. I really felt it after a while, and hope to get back on track today, if only so that my stomach does not bother me like that again.

    Today is Friday, and I am looking forward to getting through to the weekend. The Montreal Canadiens are playing this evening, and I will be watching them at my local bar. I will not be tempted to eat there – at least, I have not been yet. I just enjoy sitting in my stool and watching the game with a cigar.

    I know I have only dropped about fifteen pounds, but I am tempted to say that my sports jackets are already feeling like they fit a little better than they were. That is progress. My short(ish) term goal is for the jackets and shirts that I bought fifty pounds ago start fitting me. Hopefully by the end of the year… but it is more important that I do it and stick to it than that I do it fast.

    Happy Friday folks!

  • Day 10 Reset

    My alarm went off and I reached for it to hit snooze. I must have missed the mark because nearly 90 minutes later my eyes popped open to see… just how late I was. I burst out of bed and cut my morning routine by 45 minutes. I was at my computer with a cup of coffee in my hand with about 22 seconds to spare, with my dog looking at me questioningly about the briefness of her walk.

    After the terrible cheating I did yesterday (two bowls of chocolate granola, plus a couple of handfuls of almonds) I expected my weight to be up this morning. In fact, after a .2 rise yesterday (the first rise since I restarted the program), this morning’s measure saw my weight drop by .4lb. . I was relieved, and I am going to look at it as my one gimme. I am not going to take any chances, today I am back on the program. So far, so good.

    Aside from having to wake up in the middle of the night for a few minutes for dog-related activities, I thought I had slept pretty well. My fitness watch disagrees. So far I am not as sleepy or as listless as I was yesterday, but I would be lying if I said I would object to being able to lie down for thirty minutes.

    Oh, crud… after that thought I had the sorry realization that not only do I have a meeting at lunch today (which means I cannot just lie down for 30 minutes), but I also have a meeting after class to mentor someone because a close friend asked me a favour. There will be no 30-minute naps today.

    I am hungry… but not hungry enough to need to break from the program today. I want to be back on track.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 4 – Morning

    I did something proactively this time around that I had not done in any of my previous kicks at the can. Rather than waiting, I began adding a tablespoon of fibre to one shake on Day 1. I remember some of the painful moments (and even days) that I have had on previous attempts, and I think I made the right call. In fairness, had I not found the fibre stored with my meal replacements, I likely would not have thought of it… but I did.

    I moved here three months ago and have been quite social in a small circle… mostly with the patrons of a sports bar where I have been hanging out. I have not had any success with women, and not for lack of trying. I have made a lot of female friends… but that is not the same thing. Last night I was trying to watch my hockey game when a very attractive woman sat down next to me and started a conversation. I was under no delusion that it was anything other than social, and I was fine with that. I have decided that until I can look in the mirror and really believe that my body might be attractive I am not going to try to date. I think it is a wise decision for a number of reasons… not the least of which is that dating often involves food, which is something I am trying to avoid for the time being.

    I am not sure if it is because of the fibre, but I had to take a break from writing to return to the washroom. Things can move quick sometimes.

    One of the reasons I am looking forward to losing weight is because of all of the clothes that I have that I cannot wear. My closet is full of custom-tailored suits, sports jackets, and shirts that have not fit me in a couple of years, and I am looking forward to being able to wear them again. It will take time, but I am not really in a hurry. That is not to say that I am patient… only that I am trying to work on that!

    There have been so many changes in my life over the last few years. I am not going to go into detail, but I will say that I am not happy with many of them. There have been several extremely stressful issues that have come up… and most of them are, for the most part, now behind me. Not all of them. I am not going to go into any detail. Suffice it to say that my decision a few years ago to be honest in all things has both bit me in some ways and kept me on track in others. I just wish that I had not allowed the stress and anxiety to lead me back down the obesity path. Now it is time to get past that.

    Today is Day 4 of my renewed efforts. Let’s see if I can get that to 220 lbs.

    I have a very long way to go.

  • 2026 Day 32

    My fitness watch is completely wrong this morning. It claims I got 4h00m of sleep from 1:35am to 4:35am, with only 7m of deep sleep. In fact, I was asleep at 9:15pm, and slept at least 3.5 hours very well and quite deep, until Her Floofness told me she needed to go out. That does NOT happen very often… in fact, I would bet that it has been at least two or maybe three years since she has asked to go out in the middle of the night. When she does… I listen. I got out of bed at 12:45am, got bundled up (the mercury read an even -20°) and took her out. She did her business quite quickly and efficiently, and we came back into the apartment to get back into bed. It must have taken me a few minutes to nod off again because I seriously doubt I was awake more than 30 minutes. In any even, the fitness watch only registered my sleep after the walk, and not before.

    That does not mean that I feel at all well-rested this morning. I have felt sleepy since I got up (before 6:00am), and know that I will be needing a nap (if not a full night sleep) before my class begins – yes, I start teaching (remotely) in Europe tomorrow morning, and I have to be online at 1:00am. I would be looking forward to the class, but only on the condition that I can get a few hours of sleep today.

    I fell right off the wagon yesterday. It was terrible, and I paid for it this morning. I will not go into the details of how badly I faltered except to say that my weight was up five pounds from yesterday. F&ck.

    My plans for today are to get a little work done, try to get a few hours of sleep, and do not go to the store where I am always tempted to buy things that are horrible for my weight loss.

    Have a great day folks.

  • 2026 Day 31

    What a relief it is to get a good night sleep… especially after the previous night of lousy and short sleep. Yesterday morning my sleep score was an abysmal 50 (based on 3h59m of sleep). Despite my best efforts I was unable to nap in the afternoon. This morning my sleep score was a delightful 94, based on 7h41m of optimally balanced sleep.

    • Sleep score: 94 (Excellent)
    • Duration: 7h41m (Excellent)
    • Stress: 15 avg (Good)
    • Deep: 3h02m (Excellent)
    • Light: 2h29m (Good)
    • REM: 2h10m (Excellent)
    • Awake/Restlessness: 6m, 26 Restless Moments (Excellent)

    I woke up refreshed and ready to take on the day… until I looked at the temperatures outside and saw that the mercury reading was -20°. For those who are unclear on this, let me give you a very brief synopsis. The mercury reading is the actual temperature. The Wind Chill factor will take that temperature down, either slightly or severely based on the wind, to what it feels like on our skin and in our bones. This morning’s wind chill was -28° when I took Her Floofness out for a blessedly short walk. She quickly and efficiently took care of the business that she needed to do, and then looked at me and said ‘Pick me up right now Daddy!‘ I feel terrible for her, knowing how cold her bare paws are on the snow and ice and concrete… but she has always refused to wear boots, so I take her out and let her walk until she asks me to pick her up… and then while I walk her into the building I try to wipe the snow and salt off of her tootsies.

    I was not expecting to be happy with the reading on my bathroom scale this morning… certainly not after two days of eating pretty badly. To be fair, yesterday I ate a lot of chicken, but that was the extent of it. Thursday, in anticipation of the extremely tough exam I was preparing to sit Friday morning I was much worse. As I prepared to step onto the scale I said to myself that I would be satisfied (or maybe relieved is a better word) with a weight gain of no more than three pounds or so from two days ago (I did not weigh myself yesterday morning before my early morning exam). I was certainly relieved if not elated to see a weight loss of one pound. Sometimes weight loss can be hard to predict.

    When I do eat during my program, I try to not consume anything after 6:00pm. Despite being hungry last night after my class was over, I knew that I had eaten a lot of chicken throughout the day, but at least I had two things in my favour. Firstly I had not had any carbs, and secondly I had finished the chicken at 5:45pm or so. I could have prepared a meal replacement shake, but decided against it. Going to bed slightly hungry is not the worst thing in the world for me. Waking up fatter may not be… but it is pretty bad.

    I have to go run a couple of errands today so I will bundle up and try to be back home as quickly as possible. I have some work that I want to get done this weekend, and with the weather being what it is I do not see myself being tempted by anything that involves my leaving the house, so this might just end up being a productive day! I have a few follow-up items to deliver based on a meeting I had with someone from one of the training organizations with; I have two upcoming classes to prepare for (although the course I am delivering this week requires no real prep, I will still spend a few minutes reviewing the material and labs; the class I am scheduled to deliver at the end of the month… that’s a whole different story, and I need to do a lot of preparation for that one). I am also hoping to do some work on the course that I am writing; while really I am waiting for feedback on the work I have already submitted, that should not stop me from doing more writing.

    All in all, this could be a pretty productive weekend… but if I do not remember to buy more coffee then I will be shooting myself in the foot!

    Have a great day folks… and try to stay warm!

  • 2026 Day 30

    This morning’s exam is behind me. I have no idea how I did it, but I passed. It is the eleventh straight exam that I passed (dating to May of last year), and extends my current streak to 32 of 35 exams passed dating back to November of 2017. The pass streak of eleven exams surpasses my previous best streak which was ten exams (nine of which were technical) from November/2017 through June/2020. I am also confident in saying that unlike that previous streak, this one included four of the most difficult exams I have ever sat. I definitely get to celebrate today.

    With that said, I am exhausted. I was in bed by 9:00pm last night (in anticipation of the 4:30am alarm that I set), but it took me three hours to fall asleep. My eyes popped open five minutes before the alarm (which is good) and I was out of bed and ‘at it’ with plenty of time to spare. According to my fitness watch my sleep score was an abysmal 50 based on 3h59m of actual sleep. I am glad that I did a few things last night that would otherwise have had to be done this morning – I cleaned off the table and set up my testing environment, and I prepared my coffee machine so that when I woke up I just had to press the button. I also ran through the pre-test verification procedures that are required before taking an on-line proctored exam. I would usually be more cavalier about that, but realizing that the testing platform was completely new to me I decided to not take any chances… and it turns out it was the right decision!

    Following the exam completion I wrote a couple of emails to people who needed to know immediately (which was accompanied by my morning meal replacement shake and half a cup of coffee), and then went to my neighbour’s to pick up Her Floofness. We went out for a walk that was longer than most from the last few weeks, but still much shorter than usual. I hope that within a week or two the weather will be consistently better and we will be able to resume our usual morning walking routine. As there is another deep freeze predicted for the weekend, I know it will not be before Tuesday… by which point I will be back to teaching overnight for the week, so that might have to wait for next weekend.

    In the meantime, while the winds are forecast to pick up around dinner time, the forecast high for this afternoon is a balmy -2°… which means that unless the forecast is wrong, or if something comes up between now and then, I will be able to sit outside on the balcony with a cigar for an hour or two. I have not done that since the cold spells began several weeks ago, and I am looking forward to it!

    I did not step onto the bathroom scale this morning, but I can’t imagine I would have liked what I saw. I was very bad yesterday. The stress of the exam I was preparing for (which, despite being related to information security, was quite a bit outside of my usual comfort zone) had me stressed, and I stress-ate. That included carbs and starches, in addition to more chicken than I normally would eat to make positive progress. I will do better today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • 2026 Day 26

    I am going to blame my weight this morning on my neighbour. No, I am not up… but I am not down either. And no, I never actually blame anyone else for anything that goes into my mouth. When my downstairs neighbor offered me some of her homemade cauliflower soup yesterday I accepted. When she told me she was giving me a couple of slices of fresh bread I could have said no… in fact I did, but then I said ‘Okay, okay… one slice won’t hurt.’ When she gave me four slices I could have refused, of I could have politely accepted them and then thrown them out when I got home. I did dispose of them… but not in any way that I should have. They were delicious with the soup. I hate myself for having done it, but I did it.

    Owing to that, this morning my weight was exactly where it was yesterday morning. While there is still a chance that my weight will measure 10kg less than my last visit to the doctor, that will depend more on the time of day than my actual success. I fell slightly short of my promise.

    For those avid readers who obsess over these things, I mentioned in yesterday’s entry that following the first part of the entry I finally had a successful bowel movement. This morning I actually had two – one before stepping onto the bathroom scale, and one more productive one later on in the morning. By later, it would still have been early enough to get back onto the scale… but I decided not to. In truth, the only weight reading that matters today will come in about ninety minutes when I step onto the scale at my doctor’s office. As we say in French, on vera.

    My sleep would have been excellent across the board last night… had my eyes not popped open at 1:35 and stayed open for an hour. Yes, right in the middle of a great night sleep there was an hour that I was awake and could not for the life of me close my eyes. While I try to avoid screens when this happens, I knew that doing some reading on my phone would at least tire my eyes. When I finally felt the fatigue come on I embraced it immediately, throwing the phone to the side and it happened. My overall sleep score, even with the hour awake, was a 78 (fair). Three of the six other readings were in the Excellent range. I’ll take it after the previous night’s abysmal score of 37.

    I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel on a project that I took on nearly two years ago, and on which I am now sixteen months late on completion. I have put a lot of work into it these last three weeks or so, and I am satisfied that the end is near. Of course, I have to wait for approval on everything that I have written so far before I can do any more recording (it is a course that requires both content creation and video delivery). With that said, the project is one that has had me lying awake in bed many nights. For over a year it was the stress of having to sit down and do the work. Last night it was not what popped my eyes open, but as I lay awake I did give some thought to some improvements I could make to what I wrote… and how to better go forward.

    While my appointment is not until 9:15am, I am glad I set my alarm for 6:15am… and was not displeased that my eyes popped open a few minutes before it sounded. I have gotten a few things done already, and will be ready to leave home in plenty of time to get there early.

    Over the last few minutes I stepped away from the computer once again for another bowel movement. This third BM of the morning was by far the most productive of them, and I feel a relief I have not felt in a few days. It is almost as if my insides know that when I was at the pharmacy a few days ago I purchased the powder that I used last year to flush out my colon when I was in so much agony from being stopped up. Yes, I am back on the fibre… but this was a bit more than I expected!

    Okay, now I am off to the doctor’s office. I will leave this entry open so that when I get back I can write about the results.

    Okay, I am back. My doctor was pleased by my 9kg drop, and the improvement to my blood pressure. I promised I would continue to stay on track. I did admit to her that the entire weight drop is the result of of these last nearly four weeks of effort, with a big fall in the middle of that. As long as I can keep showing improvement she is happy. I will see her again in six weeks.

    After a couple of weeks of absolute bitter cold, this afternoon the temperature is set to rise to an almost bearable -5°. What a relief!

    I have a lot to get done before I head out for my afternoon in Grimsby and Beamsville, so I will close out here.

    Have a great day folks!

  • 2026 Day 25

    I was not as good at breakfast as I should have been. No, I did not order my usual French Toast. No, I did not forego the toast and hashbrowns that came with my omelette. I also spread peanut butter and strawberry jam onto the toast. Bad Mitch.

    It got worse… I think. When I arrived home I was tired and sluggish, and decided that the remaining chicken (which I had intentionally frozen) and rice (the last scoop of it) would be a nice second meal of the day. This meal was eaten around dinner time. I do not recall if I had a meal replacement between breakfast and dinner, but that was all I ended up eating for the evening.

    It was my expectation that, owing mostly to the carbs in the bread and starch in the rice, that my weight would be up once again this morning. In fact it was down… nearly a pound from yesterday. I am not going to look that gift horse in the mouth; I am going to try my very hardest to stick to the program today. Aside from the fact that I want to get back on track and stick with it… I am seeing my doctor tomorrow morning, and I would love to be as close to the 10kg down that I promised her as I can be. I believe that as of this morning I am 9.1kg down. Is it possible that I will drop nearly a full kilo overnight? Yes… but not very likely. How about half a kilo? That’s more likely… but one thing is certain: My weight will drop a little bit when I am finally able to move my bowels, which I have been unable to do these last two or three days.

    My sleep was, in a word, a disaster. When I fell asleep at 11:30pm I was excited that I should be able to get eight hours of sleep, interrupted only by possibly one trip to the restroom. When my eyes popped open at 2:45am I was sure I would be able to fall back into dreamworld; to be fair, I did. The problem is that I fell asleep at 5:35am, and was fully awake and out of bed at 7:00am. That was not how I wanted to start my Sunday, but the stresses and anxieties going through my head are sometimes stronger than my need to sleep… no matter what I might take to try to help me with it.

    It is no surprise, knowing how little sleep I am working on, that I am meandering through this article, and I am getting distracted easily by every beep. With that said, since I wrote that paragraph some forty-five minutes ago, I was finally able to have a good bowel movement. It was not easy, and I can tell that the fact that I had not added fibre to my diet yesterday (I did not have a shake, hence that fell by the wayside) had a serious effect on me – it was not an easy time – but it was absolutely successful. Phew! Now all I need to do is stick to my program today, and lose another kilogram tomorrow morning! Lol!

    I have work to do today, and I am going to try to get as much done as possible. I also have a very close friend (and Lodge brother) coming over this afternoon. I really need to speak with him, and even if I had other plans, I would have worked them around his visit. I really need to speak with him. Hopefully I will then be able to get a good night sleep tonight… but I am not going to bet on it.

    It was so wonderful to sit with my old diet buddy yesterday for a few hours. We caught up (it had been over a year since we had really talked) and planned how we are going to get through a few possible hurdles we are both going to face. I also got to meet her dog, whom I have heard of for years (and even saw on FaceTime many times) but I had never met him. He was so wonderful and gentle… and I am curious to see how well he and Princess Sophie might get along 😉

    I am going to try to get my work done now. My buddy should be here in a couple of hours, and I might be able to get some of it done before he gets here. I am hoping.

    Have a great day folks!

  • 2026 Day 23

    First and foremost… it is bone-chillingly cold out there. Princess Sophie begrudgingly went out for a very quick pee, and then turned right around and headed inside to the warmth and comfort of our neighbour’s couch. Even with her pretty sweater she was having none of it. The fact that I have to go out – and to downtown Toronto no less – fills me with dread. My original plan was to take a relaxed train ride into the city, but with this cold I checked and there is plenty of indoor parking at my destination, and so I will go by car. Aside from the cold, there is a security issue as well. I am picking up sensitive documents that I cannot lose for any reason, and the chances of having my backpack stolen on the train are greater than if I got safely into my car.

    My weight was down nearly another pound this morning, which means that I have dropped 17.8 lbs. since my Day 1 (despite the week of falling off the wagon), and 20 lbs. even since I saw my doctor in November, which puts my weight loss since then at just over nine kilos… and one kilogram away from fulfilling my promise when I see her on Monday. I will be very happy if I can achieve that, despite how disappointed I am with myself knowing how much better I could have done. Those damned stressors and anxieties.

    After two pretty bad nights, I slept well last night. In fact, compared to the previous nights, I slept like a baby!

    • Sleep score: 82 (Good)
    • Duration: 6h39m (Fair)
    • Stress: 14 avg (Good)
    • Deep: 1h15m (Excellent)
    • Light: 4h05m (Good)
    • REM: 1h19m (Fair)
    • Awake/Restlessness: 6m, 30 Restless Moments (Excellent)

    At some point in the middle of the night Her Floofness woke me up because she wanted a drink, and I took that as an opportunity to pee. I had an alarm set for 6:15am because of my planned foray into Toronto, so my sleep really was time limited. With all that, I know that any night I do not turn off the lights before 11:45pm will not be excellent… but I’ll take it.

    At this point I am just procrastinating. I do not want to leave the house before 9am to avoid the worst of the traffic, but at the same time I do not want to leave so late that my return would inhibit productivity this afternoon. I have a lot to get done, and I want to get it done!

    Have a great day folks!

  • 2026 Day 21

    I was sleeping quite well until I wasn’t. My eyes popped open at 4:45am, and there was absolutely nothing that I could do to close them again. I finally gave up and decided to start my day around 6:00am, although I never did end up getting out of bed. I was tired enough that I guess I was hoping beyond hope that I would be able to nod off again. I eventually did nod off for a couple more hours of sleep… but the damage was done. I hope I am able to make it through this day (and especially my class this evening) without falling asleep!

    • Sleep score: 45 (Poor)
    • Duration: 4h01m (Poor)
    • Stress: 29 avg (Average)
    • Deep: 1h33m (Excellent)
    • Light: 2h20m (Excellent)
    • REM:8m (Poor)
    • Awake/Restlessness: 7m, 17 Restless Moments (Excellent)

    I did not expect my weight to be down this morning for a number of reasons… and for one other reason I am not putting a lot of stock in the reading I got.

    Reason #1: I ran some errands yesterday and decided to pick up some peanuts. My former habit, when I was on the program but adding peanuts to it, was to buy a single (mostly) measured serving. That way I knew what I had, and I did not have to worry about willpower to stick to the proper amount. These last few times I have bought them I bought two or three servings; I knew that I would keep them in the car, and I have not been doing a lot of driving, so it would be okay. Yesterday’s errands had me in motion for a couple of hours, by the end of which the two servings of peanuts were gone. I was back home by 4pm, having consumed two meal replacements and two helpings of peanuts already. I decided that I would not eat anything else for the rest of the day. Despite my going to a buddy’s house to smoke cigars and watch the hockey, I stuck to that plan.

    Reason #2: Getting a good nights sleep is so important to weight loss, and I did not get that last night.

    Reason I don’t put stock in the reading: I usually weigh myself between 6:30am and 9:00am. This morning I weighed myself shortly after 11am. I know that my weight fluctuates throughout the day, which is why I weigh myself (when I can) at around the same every day. The lateness of my date with the bathroom scale makes me wonder how much it might have fluctuated. I hope this evening I will be able to sleep well, and that I will be able to trust the measurement tomorrow morning… as much as I can trust the questionable scale on the unsteady floor.

    There is a lot going on with regard to one particular part of my life which has been throwing my emotions asunder these last few days – and really since mid-December. I have not and will not discuss it until everything is signed and sealed and finished… but I will say two things about it: 1) One of the reasons it has been so difficult for me to get back on the program and stick to it – both in December and January – is because of this. It is absolutely life-changing, and it is the hopeful culmination of a very long process. 2) The fact that these last few days the worst that I have done on my program is a few extra peanuts, knowing what is going on, is a complete shock.

    All of this to say that my weight this morning was indeed down by 1.4 lbs., which puts me just .2 lb. above the best weight I have had this month, which was the morning before I stepped onto my scale to see a 5 lbs. gain from the previous day (a day during which I had been good and stuck to the program). Since that day I have gone up and down within about a six-pound range. This includes my ‘bender’ which began when I fell off the wagon and gained five pounds in one day thanks to General Tao and his army of fried Chinese foods, and lasted through my getting back onto the program this past Sunday morning. As far as benders go… the fallout from this one was not too bad.

    While I still have enough to last me another week or so, my diet buddy is running low and so I placed an order for more meal replacements yesterday. I should be okay through mid-February at this point.

    I am teaching this evening, but let’s see if I can get a couple of hours of productive work done between now and then.

    Have a great day!