Losing a part of me

How do I fall so far so easily? It is because food is an addiction, and it is a very difficult one to rein in.

Yesterday I started with a meal replacement before I headed to Stephane’s house. We stopped at the cemetery to pay respects to my father’s grave. We then dropped something off for his daughter and then picked up a friend in Dorval before we drove to St. Jean Sur Richelieu, where we spent the afternoon enjoying cigars with our buddy Sam. Abi decided to bring a bag full of snacks along – nuts, but also chocolates and stuff like that. He offered us some in the car, and while Stephane took a candy bar, I was good.

At Sam’s house, he had several bottles out, and asked me to take a dram of a local whisky made with maple. I should have refused, knowing how high the sugar content must be. He also put out a tray of what he referred to as moose sausage that his apprentice made for him. Knowing that moose meat is usually lean, I took a couple of pieces. It was only when he explained that the sausage maker uses a lot of pork products in the ‘moose sausage’ that I realized how big a mistake I made. I cannot un-eat the pork products, and I felt horrible about it the rest of the day.

How did this horrible feeling manifest? Here’s what else I ended up eating, both while we were at Sam’s, and later on my drive back home (yes, I drove back to Burlington last night):

· A couple of dried apricots

· A lot of honey roasted almonds

· Too many peanuts

· A chocolate chip cookie

· A mixed shawarma plate (but as before, I did not have the potatoes or rice)

· Two meal replacement bars

It was a victory that I did not go for one of the chocolate bars… but I was feeling bad about it… even though it was not at the forefront of my consciousness. In fact, when Leslie asked me during the drive (a few times) how I was doing, I did not once think to say ‘You know what, I accidentally ate pork product, and I feel terrible about it. Trust me, I felt horrible… but it was not top of mind.

To add insult to the injury, this morning I read my rabbi’s most recent d’var Torah, which was all about eating kosher, and why we do it.

To pile it on, the bathroom scale had me three pounds up from Friday… no shock there.

Today I have to get back on track. I have defrosted chicken for dinner, and I will have my salad for lunch. I am hoping that it works out for me. I have to do better!

Have a great day!