Losing a part of me

I was disappointed this morning to see that I actually gained another half pound yesterday. With that said, while I remember what I ate for dinner, I cannot recall what I had for lunch. I did not go out to eat, but when Leslie’s son is here, it is hard to make good choices because we have to take his finicky eating (perfectly normal for his age) into account. As an example, dinner was tacos. If I can keep with my exercising, then I suspect that once I am back in Canada I will be able to continue to lose weight. It is a simple matter of not having to take anyone else into account when preparing food.

I remember the first time I went through the program in 2017. I was in a group at the clinic, and I was far and away the most successful on the program. I thought at the time that it was because I was just more disciplined than they were; now I realize that a big part of that was that I lived alone. When having to prepare food for others it is not so simple to stay disciplined, is it?

This morning I was not only able but was more or less obligated to go out for my daily exercise. Leslie had two important meetings for which she was to be on camera the entire time (and speaking as well). I told her that for her first meeting I would go out for my walk; between the two meetings I would come in to shower and shave and be on the balcony with a cup of coffee and my cigar in time for her second meeting to start. That is exactly what happened, and that is exactly where I am now. If you have been reading my journal this past week, then you will know that there was one day when I tried to jog, and immediately realized that my ankle was having some issues, so I pulled up and walked instead. I decided to try again this morning, even if it was only for one or two kilometres. When I stepped out of the apartment it was barely 82° which is hot in Canada, but pretty cool in Dallas in July. Still, I was not sure if it would be sustainable. I pushed myself to jog for twenty minutes because one of the apps that I use discards anything less (for a particular challenge, not for my overall stats). Had I been thinking at the time, I would have continued jogging to round up to 3km, but was just considering the time, and so I jogged 2.72km this morning, making pretty decent time (considering it was my first jog in quite some time). I then reset my counters and started walking. Before I set out, I wanted to complete 10km, and so as I walked into the apartment complex about 700m short, I walked around the buildings until my watch read 7.3kms. I am quite satisfied with my exercising for the week, with 42km recorded since Monday. As long as I get out tomorrow morning, I will easily hit 50km for the week, with only one day off (Wednesday).

Leslie asked me an important question a few nights ago. She knows that I had my weight down to 250 lbs. just two months ago before I fell off a bit, and by the middle of this month, I peaked just shy of 25 lbs. heavier than that. She loves me either way, but she wants me to be happy, and wanted to know what would happen if I realized that I could not get below 250 lbs.? I told her that I had certainly given a lot of thought to where I would eventually end up, and what I would do or how I would feel if what I have often stated my ultimate as was indeed unachievable. I told her that I know I can get below 250 lbs. for certain, but I would continue to listen to my body. Yes, I have taken several breaks from the program, and have stopped losing weight a number of times over the course of these last 18 months. On a few of those occasions (as with this one) I have even gained back a lot of the weight I had lost, before getting back on track. Without looking it up, I am guessing that this past relapse – during which I at one point had given back nearly 25 lbs. – was the worst, but it is by no means the only one. If I follow the patterns of the previous relapses (which were more realistically plateaus), then I will finally decide that it is time to push forward; I will redouble my efforts, and I will get back on track. I do not know if this is the first time I put words to it, but I do know that at my age it is possible that getting below 200 lbs. may not be realistic. What about 230 lbs.? What about 220? I am going to listen to my body, and at a certain point I am going to decide that I am happy with myself, and I am not going to continue depriving myself. When I get to that point, I am going to set a range, and I am going to force myself to stay in that range. For example, were I to decide that 220 lbs. is where I am comfortable, then I will stop dieting. I will not, however, stop being mindful, and I will not stop weighing myself on a daily basis. If I realize that after a few weeks of letting myself go – holidays, vacations, whatever the reason – I see that I am pushing 230 lbs., then I will go on a diet to get myself back to that ideal weight again. I will never let myself go again to the point where I have gained even 25 lbs., not to even speak of going back to being morbidly obese. That idea scares me to no end.

Unfortunately I know that I am a food addict, and I have to pay extra care to not let that happen. I can never revert to the gluttonous ways that got me to my heaviest weight – and did it three times, no less. How does someone go from being a soldier to being a fat slob? The only way that could happen was if I had psychological issues, which I did… and not only my addiction. Indeed, many of those issues and traumas are likely what led to my addiction. I have come to learn how to manage those issues, and I think I am much healthier mentally now than I have been at any point these last thirty years. Still, I can never forget; I can never let myself go. My obesity exasperated my psychological issues, and that is a vicious course that I do not want to get back onto again.

With this entry, my journal has surpassed 500,000 words. I am no longer at my lowest weight ever, but I am still 130 lbs. lighter than I was the day I wrote my first one. I am still a work in progress, and I doubt anyone will ever read this entire tome. Still, I am proud of what I have accomplished so far… and will continue to journal my thoughts until I am satisfied that I am where I need to be. Once I am there, I will wait another year before declaring victory. Before that, I will earn my Fourth Dan Black Belt, and with a little perseverance, next year I can run that marathon that I once told my first wife that I would run. Of course, I told her I wanted to run the Buenos Aires Marathon, and that might not happen… but there are marathons closer to home too… wherever home will be when I am ready.

Because of my tight schedule, I skipped breakfast this morning, and so I am going to go prepare my lunch. Despite skipping breakfast, I will not go overboard. I am going to prepare a chicken breast with a side of rice. For dinner, I am going to tell Leslie to take Armin for whatever he likes so that I can, after my evening class, just have a salad. To honour the Sabbath I might even share a bottle of wine with my wife… there is a very lovely bottle of Veuve Cliquot which we both enjoy that we have been chilling. I think that for now I will do well with moderation… rather than deprivation.

Have a great day folks!