Losing a part of me

My life is no better today than it was yesterday. It is still a complete and total disaster from which I see no way out and no way forward. Still, I have to go forward. Aside from the fact that my religion forbids any form of self-harm, there are people who love me and care for me. I have to remember that. There are people who know that I would never hurt the people that I love, and that I would in fact go to the furthest extremes to protect them. So I move forward, and I try to continue to do my best to not give up the progress that I have made through nearly two years of hard work… even as I see that I am losing those which are most dear to me.

One of the ways I encourage myself to keep going is with numbers. I have been trying to weight for six hundred and sixty-one days, and when I need the push, I look at the numbers. I am in the worst place I have been emotionally in many years, and so I decided to turn to my numbers for at least some encouragement.

This graph represents my weight every day since September 30 (excepting the 26-29 of October, and November 5). The yellow line represents my lowest weight ever – 238.6 lbs. on October 18. The red line is my highest weight in the forty-three-day period that I selected (249.4 lbs., this past Wednesday). The green line represents my weight today (243.4 lbs.). The vertical black line is the day my world fell apart. I had a bad slip for a few days… what with the pizza dinner splurge Friday night, my life crashing down on me destroying everything on Saturday, and then the travel day on Sunday. With all of that, knowing even that I had gained a full eleven pounds from my best weight by Wednesday, but have been able to reign that back in and get back on track. This morning my weight is less than half a pound up from that terrible day… even though every day since has been even worse. I am now less than 5 lbs. from getting back to my best weight ever.

I am still not sleeping well. Admittedly, I did do a little better last night than any of the previous seven, but that is probably owing to the sheer physical and emotional exhaustion finally catching up to me. According to my fitness watch, my sleep score was only a 49/100. My body battery was an abysmal 31/100 when I woke up, and at 11:15am it is down to a 26. There were a number of times that Leslie offered to give me a few of the pills she has to help her sleep, but I refused. I know I was right to, but I am still kicking myself that I do not have anything in the house (aside from copious amounts of scotch) that would help me to rest.

It was good to see my friends yesterday. They are the first to know what is going on and how I feel. I do not know if or when I am going to start talking about it… but it is not today. Today will be spent trying to help a friend with his computer that seems to have died so I will go over and try to salvage everything he has lost. In the evening I am tutoring one of my students who needs extra help, and who seems to have started my class behind the eight ball because her instructor for the previous class (which is a pre-requisite for this class) seems to have taught way too fast and using way too much jargon for anyone, but especially for a non-native English speaker to understand. I promised I would help, and I will help. Hopefully in doing so I will be able to keep my mind off the fact that I really have no interest in living anymore.

One day at a time.