Losing a part of me

Wow, did I fall off the wagon yesterday. I fell hard, and I paid for it this morning. Not only was my weight up a whopping five pounds from yesterday morning, but it also shot over that 250 lbs. mark that I have been trying to avoid. I know, it is a bump in the road, and I will be back on track tomorrow; that does not make me feel a whole lot better now. The important thing to remember is that I can either redouble my efforts to do better today (and over the next few days) so that I can get back on track (and below the terrible 250), or I can wallow in my guilt and sorrow and not only stay above it, but most likely keep gaining. My plan is to get back on track starting right now.

There were two critical factors that caused my lapse yesterday. The first is the debilitating emotional pain that I have been living with these last few weeks. There was nothing that was going to happen yesterday that was going to make that better. The second was my religious dietary restrictions which, and the fact that my friends do not observe the same. I’ll explain:

I went to my buddy’s house for the day yesterday. When I suggested we get together I did not realize it wad American Thanksgiving, let alone that he and his family prepared an authentic Thanksgiving dinner. When I found that out, I was excited because I love turkey, and I know that they would likely prepare it very well. Of course, I agreed to stay for dinner! In the hours leading up to dinner they were asking me all sorts of questions about what I could and could not eat. The turkey was the central problem because every side dish that contained dairy was out. That included the mashed potatoes, the broccoli casserole, and a couple of other dishes. It would never have occurred to me had Ryan’s mom not checked, but the turkey itself was prepared with butter.

Any Jew who observes the rules of kashrut will agree that it is much easier to be a vegetarian when eating with others. The moment I realized that I could not eat the turkey I realized I was now free to eat all of the other dishes. When presented with the smorgasbord of broccoli casserole, mashed potatoes, and stuffing (which was not prepared inside the turkey – I checked) I piled my plate high. Had I done that with turkey then I would have been just as full, but it would have been protein, and it would not have been nearly as bad. By indulging (dare I say gorging myself) on the starches and carbs, I was absolutely setting myself up for a disaster.

I had done my best, but I had not quite eaten my sadness away by the time I left. When I stopped to fill my gas tank, I also picked up a bag of chips. In the past few months when I have done this, I have at least done the smart thing and chose the single-portion bag. Yesterday I was hurting so bad that I bought the family-sized bag. Yes, I know exactly how stupid that was. Yes, I polished off the entire bag. Yes, I regret it. No, I will not do that again.

I have a friend in Montreal who has been showing that she cares. Yesterday she reached out, and when I told her I was still doing badly she tried to put a positive spin on it. She reminded me how exciting it is that I got my new clothes. She is right about a couple of things: firstly, it is important to look for the good in life… even when almost everything is going terrible. Secondly, it is nice that I will be able to wear my new shirts and jacket next week for my class. I am just having so much trouble seeing anything positive, but yes, they are nice and yes, new clothes are always nice. I am trying my friend… I promise I am trying.

My plan for today is to run a few errands, none of which are food related. I will try to find a winter jacket that I like, and once I do then I will also return the two that I bought over the weekend. I know I went shopping without a clear plan, settling on what I found at the first two stores that I went into… rather than doing my due-diligence and trying to find the right coat for me. In truth, I am going to go try them on, but that is more for the size than for the purchase. If the stores have very good sales, then I will gladly buy from them; I have already checked the Internet and see the Black Friday sale prices, and if I do not find something comparable then I will buy online. Frankly I hope that will not be the case, as I would much rather purchase from a store… but I have to get the best bang for my buck.

With regard to food: I ate my omelette this morning… along with a piece of bread that was leftover from yesterday’s ridiculous indulgence. For the rest of the day, I am going to stick with proteins only – I will prepare my chicken; there will be no potatoes or rice, only protein. I have had my fill of carbs for the day.

Aside from that, I will be studying. It would be nice to sit outside with my laptop and a cigar for a couple of hours, but that will largely depend on what the weather does. Yes, I have my heater ready, but this morning was the first day of the season that I saw snow flurries. I suppose the deciding factor will be the winds. My exam is tomorrow though, so whether it will be indoors or out… I will be studying. Wish me luck!