Losing a part of me

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) sucks.

Yesterday was the first day of the cease fire in Gaza, and the first innocent hostages were traded for 30x their numbers in violent terrorist murdering scum. We do everything we have to in order to bring our people home… at almost any cost.

That was what was mostly on my mind as I walked up to the bakery counter at Fortino’s yesterday afternoon. It just so happens that as I approached the counter, the kid serving (probably in his mid-teens) was talking about the bagpipes. I made a funny quip about ear plugs. He looked at me and started telling me how they are the only musical instrument specifically designed to be used in war (which I knew). He then started saying: “Can you imagine being in a war, and going into battle to face the enemy…’ I stopped him and said that I really could, but that he couldn’t and hopefully never would.

I walked away with my bread but felt the need to go back and tell him that I was sorry for being rude. He told me I wasn’t and that he shouldn’t speak about certain things. I told him that he did nothing wrong and that he should not change at all.

The fact that he did nothing wrong does not change the fact that I freaked out. I pictured it, and I was right back there. My heart was racing and there was nothing I could do to calm it down… none of my usual techniques worked. I sat in my car for fifteen minutes until my phone buzzed reminding me that someone I was meant to meet so that I could give him something was at my door. I told him I was on my way, and I was home in four minutes.

I overate last night. I also drank. I felt bad doing it, but I did not know what else to do. I was shaking all evening until I finally got to sleep. Yes, I had nightmares. It was not a good night.

I knew that my weight would be up this morning… I never expected that it would be up slightly over three pounds. I kicked myself for the transgression… but at the same time I know that it was literally a ‘mental health falling off the cliff’ occurrence. I hope to do better today.

Well somehow I forgot to post this, but it was almost done. Have a great day folks!