Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Hunger

    It is 2:30pm on Day 6, and I am hungry. I had my first meal replacement around 9:30am and then my second at 1:00pm, which means I am not due for my next one until 4:30pm… but I am hungry. Crap.

    I am not sitting around bored today. I have work to do, and I am also making notes for my class this evening. This would be worse if I was bored. What should I do?

    Since I have not taken a real lunch hour today, I am going to see how windy it is outside. If it is not too bad, I might have a cigar. The temperature (on my phone) is reading -6°C with a windchill of -12°C, but as I discussed in an earlier article, those are the measurements down by the water. If it is not too uncomfortable, I think I’ll bundle myself up, make a hot cup of coffee, and sit outside with a cigar.

    I could easily add another protein bar. If I cannot take my mind off of my hunger then I might do that. What I am hoping to do though is to make eating my last resort, rather than my go-to solution to make things better.

    I’m still drinking a lot of water, but I do not think that I have had nearly as much today as I have the last couple of days. I wonder if that might be one of the reasons for my hunger. Before I go outside I’m going to take a big glass full and see if that helps at all. Of course, before I go outside I will also relieve myself, so that I don’t have to do so fifteen minutes into my cigar.

  • Day 6

    While I did not really have trouble on the program yesterday, I did have to veer slightly. I am teaching classes in the evenings, which has me lecturing five hours straight. By 9:00pm my voice was faltering (a sign of either exhaustion or coming illness). I have a package of lozenges that got me through the evening, even though I know that they are heavy with sugar. I did not look it up last night, but today I see that they have 3g of carbohydrates, with 2g of sugar… each. I do not remember if I had three or four drops, but that means either 6-8g of sugar. I did not have a choice, and it is a very small price to pay for being able to speak. I will not consider it a cheat and will have them ready for this evening.

    My new water bottle arrived, and it is indeed much more comfortable. For one thing it is lighter – the insulation of the old one had it weighing in at over 2lbs. It was also thicker. My new bottle can be easily gripped in one hand. Additionally, as it is not insulated, there are no issues with filling it up in the evening and letting it chill overnight.

    Reading through my previous journal, aside from being stressed at work, I sound pretty positive. I had lost nearly fifteen pounds through the first six days and was excited that I was going to be able to succeed. How right I was… it is the long-term maintenance that I have to work on. It also mentioned that my attitude and mood seemed to be better, which means that the ketosis set in. That is the process by which your body starts to burn its own fat for energy, rather than the sugar (and other starches and carbs) that we eat. I will say this… if my body is going to burn its own fat, there is certainly a lot of fuel for it! Burn baby, burn!

    Today is Robert Burn’s Day. It celebrates the life and poetry of one of the great Scottish poets. My buddy Lyle, a master chef, just told me that were it not for my diet he would have invited me over for the feast. I admit that while I am not crazy for haggis, it would have been great to see him and his wife. I am sure we will have opportunity over the weekend.

    Speaking of the weekend. I am not going anywhere this weekend, but I have been giving some thought to taking a drive to Montreal next weekend. It’s been a while since I’ve seen some of my friends, and I would love to get away for a bit.

    The numbers on the scale this morning were only very slightly down from yesterday. One thing that I will have to account for with the scale, believe it or not, is the quality (and stability) of the floor under which my bathroom scale sits. I remember this was an issue in my apartment in California, and I had to make sure the scale is on the most solid floor possible. This is not only because of my weight (although I suspect that if I weighed less, it would be less of an issue). When I moved in, one of the issues my landlord discussed with me was several areas of the floor that are not completely level/balanced/even. As such, I realized yesterday that I have to move the scale before I weigh myself. While I suspect my weigh-ins from yesterday and today are more accurate, I suspect that my original weigh-in, as well as the next few days, were more inaccurate than I thought.

    First goal:

    In October I bought two pair of pants which did not fit me by mid-December. I am hoping that by next week I will be able to wear them again.

    I am in Facebook Jail for the day, which means that I will be less distracted than I might be. I am going to study for an exam – I want to sit the exam for the class that I am teaching, not to validate that I know it, but to be able to guide my students as to what to expect. Maybe I should ‘violate community standards’ (spoiler alert: I didn’t) more often!

  • Day 5

    I am more than halfway through the first week of my diet. Woohoo!

    Yesterday was a pretty good day, owing partly to the fact that I was able to smoke cigars (which I had not expected). I was also really pleased that my friend came over, as it is nice to spend time with him. When I went on the program the first time around, he was one of very few people who knew about it and knew most of the details. He was supportive then, and I am sure he will be supportive once again.

    I got to the end of the day, and I was a bit hungry, and could have done with another protein bar. I decided against it, making it the fourth day in a row that I was able to make it to the end without cheating. I feel quite accomplished for it, as I know how hard it is… and that I had only given myself about a 30% chance of making it through one week. Knowing that I am now more than halfway through the first week feels good.

    My diet buddy texted me this morning to tell me that she faltered. I talked her through it and told her that the next time she feels week and tempted she should call me. She promised that she will. Unfortunately, as I was told at the bariatric clinic where I first went through the program, the statistics of people sticking to the program, and then keeping the weight off long-term, are not good. If both of us succeed that will mean that in our very small sampling, we have a 100% success rate. I hope we do both succeed… but I know that I am planning on it!

    Let’s review yesterday: I essentially worked all day, save for the 90 minutes Eduardo was here. My work project ended on a positive and successful note, which was certainly not a certainty. I was able to stick to my diet, and I drank in excess of 200oz of water. I definitely wore a path from my desk to the restroom.

    After two discouraging days, the scale this morning was finally down from yesterday… significantly. There are reasons (which I have mentioned) that we are discouraged from weighing ourselves daily. I am relieved that I was able to stay the course so that this morning the numbers would be positive.

    Numbers on the scale aside, I will not really consider myself to be making serious progress on the program until I feel more comfortable in my fat clothes. There is no reason that my belly should be hanging out of a 3XL shirt; when that’s over then I’ll start to smile about my progress.

    My Day 5 entry from 2019 shows that I was stressed at work, and that my ankle was bothering me in a Taekwondo class. I also spent a lot of time discussing how embarrassed I was that my belly was hanging out of a shirt. I suppose that correlation is pretty clear!

  • The First Cigars

    Of course, these were not my first cigars… but when my friend came over, we decided to brave the cold, and we were pleasantly surprised.

    I was worried that I would not be able to smoke cigars for a few weeks because of the cold and the wind, but as I suspected this morning it turns out that my local weather reporting is from the lake, and sitting outside for 90 minutes (while bundled up and with the heater on high) was quite comfortable.

    This is a real relief. It is not that I am addicted and needed the tobacco. I always enjoy cigars, but when the smoking experience is unpleasant, I simply don’t smoke. Unlike cigarettes, cigars are not addictive. My concern, as I stated earlier, is that while dieting – and especially in the first week or two of my diet – smoking a cigar is a good distraction to take me away from eating. It is now coming up to 4:30pm, and I have only had two meal-replacements today. I will have my next one as soon as I finish this entry, leaving me either three hours and three hours between this and the next and the last (which will take me to 10:30pm), or even 3.5 hours and 3.5 hours (which will take me to 11:30pm). While this might sound late to eat, I mentioned that I am working, and I might not be finished until 2-3am. We will see how things progress.

    My water intake has been good – I am nearly finished my second water bottle of the day, and I also downed another (smaller) bottle. To now, I am about 140oz of water into the day, which would be a fine daily consumption were I to stop now. I will not, of course, and will likely be closer to (if not over) 200oz on the day.

    If I did not have to monitor the progress of my server migration for work every 15 minutes, today would have been a very relaxing day!

  • Cigars and Timing

    If you are a regular reader of either of my other blogs, or a friend (either Facebook or otherwise) you know that I am a cigar smoker. When I went through the program in California a couple of years ago, I found that smoking cigars was a good way to not be tempted by food. After all, a cigar might last from 40-90 minutes, and I never eat while smoking. It would satisfy the ‘oral urge’ that is the reason we sometimes snack, and it is a good way to pass the time.

    Speaking with my (then) doctor, he told me that of course he would not endorse any form of smoking. I told him that I often smoke them as a substitution for eating, and he said that it was not an entirely terrible idea, as at the time obesity was the greater health risk.

    On Day 0 (Wednesday) I sat outside on the balcony with a friend and smoked a cigar. The temperature was about 3° Celsius, and with the heater going it was very nice.

    The following day, the (high) temperature dropped to -8°. Saturday was a bit warmer, but way too windy to be enjoyable.

    All this to say that I am on Day 4 of the program, and I have not been able to enjoy a cigar since I started. That is just bad timing. It is during the first week that I need the distraction most, and not being able to have it means I am going to spend more time thinking about food, which is what I do not want to do.

    As the clock approaches noon on Sunday, the Environment Canada web site says that the temperature is -6°C, but with the windchill it feels like -12°C. That is not comfortable smoking weather. With that said, those readings are measured at the lift bridge, which is right on the shore of Lake Ontario (and of Burlington Bay), where I suspect it is not only windier, but cooler than here… even though it is only 9km from here. As such, I have spoken with a friend who is planning to come over for a cigar in a couple of hours. We reasoned that if it is too cold for a cigar, then we can still chat inside.

    If there is one reason why the program was probably easier for me to succeed with living in Southern California than it is in Canada, it is that. In another few weeks the temperatures will be on an upswing, and it will not be hard for me to sit outside with a good cigar. For now, I know that the temperatures over the next ten days or so are not going to be terribly conducive to my hobby, but if the wind is not too bad then I should be okay. In the meantime, if I am ever stupid enough to go on such an extreme weight loss program while living in Canada in the future… I’ll try to plan it to start in April and take me through the summer, when the smoking will be more comfortable.

  • Day 4–Sunday, January 23, 2022

    I am not going to add the date to the title every day… maybe once or twice per week. When I went through the program on my own last time, I did not actually mark the starting date, and it became a bit weird trying to calculate… especially when I had not recorded in my journal for weeks or months.

    Reading back on my Day 4 last time around showed little but impatience. I was glad that the numbers on the scale were down, and sad that my clothes were not fitting better. I think it would be asking a lot to see significant changes in 96 hours. I don’t know what I was thinking!

    Yesterday might as well have been a regular workday for me. I do not usually work Saturdays, but when working on client servers, some operations require significant downtime, and they cannot be performed during normal business hours. Aside from the pain in my knee, I’m doing okay. I would like to see some movement on the scale, but that was not to be. I suspect that is going to take time… I don’t think the scale is going to be good to me for a week or two, and I just have to live with that.

    Aside from working, I spent time with my son (the younger) yesterday. I picked him up for a few hours, and we picked up dinner (for him) and brought it back to my apartment. This led to a rather uncomfortable time. You see, when one is drinking a lot of water throughout the course of the day, one has to use the restroom several times throughout the day. I did just that before I left my apartment and took a water bottle with me for the drive. It is a 20-minute drive to get there. I asked him what he wanted for dinner, and he told me a restaurant that was a 10-minute drive, mostly in the opposite direction. This meant that the drive from the restaurant to my apartment would be as much as 30 minutes. However, he is my son, and I am happy to buy him what he wants for dinner… especially since I wasn’t eating, so I did not have to concern myself with what I would like.

    We called the order in from their place, and we were assured it would be ready in 20-25 minutes. We headed out, and I decided to run an errand along the way, so that we would arrive at the restaurant around the time it should have been ready.

    We arrived at the restaurant. I walked in and told the manager that I was picking up an order, but I really needed to use the restrooms first. “I’m sorry, but our restrooms are not open for customers.” Yes, it is because of Covid… and if the food had been ready or nearly ready it would not have been a burden. Instead, I had to wait 25 minutes longer than their original estimate. I then had to drive home (25 minutes). By the time I got into the restroom at home, I am not sure I had ever been in that much discomfort for that particular reason in my life. I have a pretty strong bladder and I can hold it with the best of them… but this was an extreme situation. It was a little funny and a bit embarrassing explaining to my 12-year-old son that I needed to run from the car into the apartment the second we got home.

    I remember from my first attempt at the program that sitting with my son the younger as he ate was one of the temptations that was impossible to avoid. I had to be strong and resist. That my son decided he wanted chicken wings – one of my favourites, as well as one of the unhealthiest options – with a side of tortilla chips and queso dip would make it harder for me… but I was not going to falter on Day 3!

    I decided that the best strategy was to eat my meal replacement as he ate his dinner. I prepared a bowl of soup and did just that. Of course, he takes longer to eat than I do, but I had planned for that too… or at least it worked out that way. By the time 5:30pm rolled around and we were eating our dinner, I had only had two meal replacements throughout the day. After a bowl of soup, I was able to have a ‘desert’ – a chocolate bar. While I was still drooling over Gilad’s wings, I was able to resist because I was sated, if not satisfied. I even had the willpower to give Princess Sophie a few of the tortilla chips without taking any for myself!

    I chatted briefly with my diet buddy today. She was not as religious on the program as she wanted to be, but the pickled carrots that she ate are not the worst thing in the world. She also told me she did not do as well as she wanted to with regard to water intake, and we discussed a couple of strategies that she might use in the future to do better.

    Speaking of water, I am not as happy with the water bottle that I purchased as I had expected. The biggest issue is that it is a right-handed bottle. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to drinking, I am ambidextrous; however, the way my desk is configured, it is less comfortable that would be a left-handed bottle. I went looking and found something that I hope will be a more comfortable fit for me. It should arrive tomorrow, and I will report in then!

    It is 11:30am on Sunday, and I am going to wait until noon for my next meal replacement. I don’t really have to… but sometimes I want to remind myself that I am the master over my appetite, and not vice versa.

  • The Scales

    One of the reasons we are encouraged to not weigh ourselves daily is that there will be days when the numbers on the scale may be up, but if we stick the program, we will see a downward trend… even with those occasional upticks.

    Another reason why I should not be weighing myself daily is that (as I mentioned on Day 1) when you are close to the scale’s maximum weight, they tend to be inaccurate, and so the weight I recorded was indeed an estimate.

    Yesterday I weighed myself, and I was down 2.5lbs. Yay. This morning I weighed myself and I was not only up from yesterday, but I was also up from my original Day 1 estimate. While this might have been discouraging to many, I know the realities, and I took it in stride. As long as I stick to the program, no matter what the scale might say, in as little as a week I will start to feel a difference in how my clothes fit.

    While I am going to step onto the scale daily, I expect that I am 30lbs from being to get a consistently accurate reading from the scale. I am comforted to know that over that time (which may take 6-8 weeks to accomplish) I will be losing weight, and I will be getting smaller, and my clothes will be fitting better. Until such time as I am within a (sic!) reasonable weight range, I know that the numbers on the scale will not be telling me an accurate story. I also know that if I am true to the program (even though I am drinking coffee) then I will be shedding the pounds at a marvelous rate… even if it one that cannot yet be accurately recorded.

  • Day 3

    It is interesting that my notes from Day 3 of my previous journal focus on three themes: scheduling (and how to make sure I have my meal replacements at the right time and intervals throughout the day), temptations, and my mood (which was quite cranky).

    This time around I do not feel like I am in a bad mood or cranky in any way… although from my notes, it seems that most of my crankiness resulted from interactions with other people, and I am not really spending a lot of time with others to notice. While I am still a bit sluggish, I would say that my mood is not a factor this time. The only people I did spend any amount of time with yesterday were the friends I collected from the airport, and there was no sort of clash or conflict there. I did have a bit of a row with a friend while I was waiting for them, and I was certainly cranky with her; if any part of that crankiness was due to a bad mood caused by a caloric deficiency, then it is only a small part.

    Scheduling is as much a factor this time around as it was last time, but I am certainly much more relaxed about it than I was. As I do not see it as an issue, I am not going to focus on it. Yes, it is important that I consume five meal replacements throughout the day… but if they are not timed exactly right, I will survive.

    Temptation is a slight issue, but only when I am out and about. Three years ago, when I started the program, I was spending a lot of my time with (and eventually living with) a girlfriend and her daughter. While most of their food did not really tempt me, the daughter was baking a chocolate cake on Day 3, and the smells around the house were incredible.

    One reason why living along is a better option for me when on the program is that not only was I tempted by the smells, but my girlfriend was also encouraging me to cheat. I know myself, and one cheat will lead to another which will eventually lead to failure. Each time I have started the program (or any diet, for that matter) I have either succeeded by being regimented or failed by being lackadaisical about it. Living alone, and for that matter being mostly separated from much of the world, it is just easier to succeed. To wit, the only time I was tempted yesterday was when I went out to pick my friends up from the airport. I got there on time (as did their flight), but there was a three-hour delay due to whatever, and because I had to leave the cellphone waiting area to find a toilet, I was tempted oh so briefly) to get a snack or something either at Tim Hortons or A&W. While I did get a cup of coffee (I feel guilt using the restroom and not ordering something), that was as far as the temptations went.

    My water consumption yesterday was a complete success. I probably went through six of my large steins before I left the house for the airport, and I took another portable cup with me. I did not finish it, as I did not know how long I would be waiting… as it is, I made two trips to the Tim Hortons restroom.

    The delay there did cause a slight aberrance to my meal replacement plan. I had my fourth meal replacement around 7:00pm, assuming I would be home around 10:15pm. Because of the three-hour delay, I was not actually home until after 1am, and so I grabbed the protein bar and went to bed.

    I did have a little trouble sleeping last night because of my knee (and my back seems to be a bit tight as well from the fall), but it was not terrible. Yes, I am still in pain and yes, I am still favouring it. However, I did get six hours of sleep, and only had to visit the loo twice.

    As I was writing this, my package from Amazon arrived, and I now have my 64-ounce water jug. Before I sit down to work, I will clean it out and fill it up. While I have not needed encouragement to drink more the last couple of days, I hope this will encourage me on days when I am not so in the mood…

    I have work to do today, so let’s get to it!

  • OW!

    Remember, over the last few posts, that I mentioned that there are some things I cannot do as well (or at all) as a morbidly obese man? I just had a really close call.

    Princess Sophie asked nicely to go out for a walk. Not only does she deserve it for being so nice and polite, it is also my duty as a doggie-daddy to let my girl take me out for regular walks. And so we bundled up, nice and warm. Princess Sophie eschewed her coat, but I put on a sweater, a scarf, a ski jacket, an ear-band, and my hat. Off we went.

    Sophie seldom wants to go very far when it is cold and dark, and when you add snowy to the mix she knows to do her business right quick and then come home to the warmth. We went across the street and down the block, and we had just crossed back to ‘our’ side of the street to head home when we hit a patch of ice on the sidewalk.

    Daddy went ass over teakettle.

    To be fair, that is not entirely true. I completely lost my footing, but there was a point where I felt that I could have recovered. I also strongly suspected in the moment that if I did try that, I might stay on my feet, but I would almost surely tear something; if my recovery attempts failed, I might fall on my head and really do myself an injury. I decided to go down on my own terms. Yes, all of that went through my head in that split second; welcome to the mind of a trained fighter.

    I went down on the hard sidewalk. I did my best to contain my fall and minimize any damage I might have done myself… and I was quite successful. Yes, I likely exacerbated the existing pain to my knee, but I threw the leash out of the way, and as I fell I bent my knees and body so that my two hands could break the fall, rather than the fall break one of my two hands.

    I did an excellent job of it, considering the circumstances. As both soldiers and martial artists are taught, when there is no further immediate danger, stay put. Take a moment to evaluate your body. Head was fine, my knees both hurt a little, but it was pain and not injury. My very recently broken ankle was somehow unhurt, as was my other foot. My face and torso were untouched, and my bum was cold on the hard ice-covered sidewalk, but there wouldn’t even be a bruise. I was, from all indications, fine. Nothing was broken. Not bones, not my phones, nothing. My eyeglasses, which in the scheme of things may cost less but would be more difficult to replace than the phones (as well as harder to live without for a few days), were also intact. I checked to see that Princess Sophie was okay, and she was… although you could tell she was worried about what happened to her Daddy. The pup-poop-bag-dispenser came open, but I recovered the pieces (as well as the bags, neither of which would have been the greatest loss).

    Okay, everything is in order. Step 1, I took my earbuds out of my ears and put them in a pocket. We had not seen any fellow dog parents on our excursion yet, but it would not be unusual for one to happen along and ask if I needed help. It would not do to not hear them because of noise-canceling earbuds. Step 2, stand up.

    I am a morbidly obese man lying on a sheet of ice. This step would not be an easy one. There was just no way to get a footing on a sheet of solid ice.

    I realized that the best solution would be to roll off the sidewalk. It has been decades since I rolled around and played in snow, but any Canadian (or anyone who has ever lived in snowy climes) will know that when you have to get a footing, you are far better off on snow covered grass than you are on ice covered sidewalk. I did just that – I rolled over onto the nearly pristine snow. As I started to do that, a fellow doggie daddy came along and asked if I was okay and if I needed help. I decided to not be a hero and explain that I was fine but I was having trouble standing because of the ice. He offered me a hand, and once again I was upright. I did a second complete inventory of my body and, determining that I would be okay, thanked him and walked the rest of the way home.

    I don’t know how different this would have one had I been 100lbs slimmer, but I do know that I am not as young as I once was, and I have to be careful. I do suspect that if I was slimmer, and if I was not still recovering from a broken ankle and wrenched knee, I would have likely had an easier time standing up than I did.

    Unlike so many of my other experiences, I have no intention of trying this again when I have lost all of the weight. Once was enough, thank you very much… I am going to do my best to stay upright, whether fat or slim.

    (This article will be referenced on my main blog page, http://www.garvis.ca)

  • Water Water Everywhere…

    Yes, drinking water (and a lot of it) is a crucial part of my new weight loss program. Yesterday morning I went to the kitchen and pulled out a very solid glass beer stein that holds 4 cups (33⅓ oz) of water. It would be perfect for me! Yesterday I filled (and drained) it five times. Today (at 4:30pm) I have already finished four steins and expect to go through a few more before bedtime.

    While the stein is great, it is extremely heavy. It is not surprising, as a vessel engineered and built with the sole purpose of being wielded and clanked together by intoxicated Germans would need to have some heft to it.

    My original thinking was that I was going to buy a plastic water bottle to take with me. I then remembered that I have a few of those, and do not really need another one. However, for sitting around the house (whether I am working or not), I would really like to have something large but more practical. After all, getting up from my desk fifteen times per day to refill a 16oz cup would be distracting… especially knowing that, drinking as much as 160oz in a day, I will already be up to the toilet many more times than usual.

    clip_image002As I have done each time I started the program in the past, I decided to buy something that would be large (64oz) and durable, but also comfortable and practical. I opted for the Under Armour Playmaker 64oz Water Bottle Jug (in Breeze Blue). I like the look of it, and it looks like it will work nicely.

    I did not want something that I needed to unscrew to drink from. As well, I have had a few water bottles that had smaller drink holes, which made it hard to get a good chug (which is how I prefer to drink water, especially when it is mandated that I have to drink as much of it as I do.

    It may sound silly but when you have to focus on drinking a lot of water throughout every day, having an appropriate and comfortable vessel for it is important. I do not want to have to be doing dishes twice a day, I don’t want to be uncomfortable or unhappy with it, and I do not want to be inconvenienced by it. For the next few months, this will be the container that I consume from the most, and while I did not want to spend so much that it would be a luxury item, I also did not just want to buy something that I would be uncomfortable with… or have to settle for.