Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 1158

    Yesterday was not a good day for me.

    I was a bit out of sorts when I woke up, but that was not a big issue. I hit the road around 11am and was all ready for a nice and relaxing drive to Montreal. When my diet buddy texted me I called her so that I did not have to text while driving. With no ill intention she caused my stress and anxiety to shoot through the roof. I pulled off the road and fell off a cliff with regard to my eating. Large bags of potato chips are never a good idea. While it is bad that I turn to eating junk when in emotional crisis, at least I recognize it.

    When I arrived at my friends’ house I got some horrible news about his health, and I am doing my best to be as good a friend to him and his wife as I can be. When he woke up this morning we went for a walk and I talked to him about everything, including his feelings and intentions. He will not know a course of treatment until he speaks to his doctors tomorrow, but he has a very positive attitude which is important.

    To top everything off, my wife called me in a panic after our American puppy (HRF Duchess of Mischief) was viciously attacked by a large dog who had gotten away from his owner. We spent quite some time talking because she was in a state, but she did everything right and handled it perfectly, and I told her how proud I was of her. It is fine to fall apart after dealing with a situation; falling apart during an incident is where we fail.

    I am sure I gained seven pounds yesterday, but it is what it is. I will do better today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1157

    Yesterday was a very hard day, if only because I had to work a fourteen-hour day on about three hours of sleep. I am glad I got through it, and while I did not immediately drop off to sleep after class (I always need time to decompress), I was in bed within fifteen minutes of turning off my computer. My fitness watch registered seven hours and forty-seven minutes of sleep with an incredible sleep score of 92. Whew!

    Princess Sophie went to the neighbour’s yesterday evening, so my morning routine was thrown off this morning. I am not sure when the last time I was this disorganized in the morning! No matter, in a little while I will get into the car and begin the drive to Montreal. I might stop along the way to see a friend along the way, but that is to be decided later. I have a new audio book on how nation-state actors have used malware to wreak havoc, and how it might lead to the destruction of our civilization as we know it. For many this would sound like dystopian fiction, but in my field it is a cross between a bit of light ‘reading’ and research.

    I did not lose weight this morning, but I stayed pretty much where I was yesterday. The combination of having needed another plate of pasta yesterday to make it through my evening class (and the fact that my attempts at moving my bowels this morning were fruitless) makes the status quo a bit of a victory. Now I just hope that I can make it through the trip without losing too much ground, and that I can return home on Tuesday to resume the program Wednesday morning.

    My stress and anxiety levels are again through the roof. My appointments on Monday will determine my future and there are too many factors that are outside of my control for me to be calm and relaxed about it. I have packed sufficient cigars for the next few days… and a bottle of whisky in case I need it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1156

    With another two-pound drop in my weight this morning, the first week of my ‘No Groceries’ plan has me down a little over seven pounds in eight days. I know I could have done better in several ways, but I am not going to gripe about that. On my last day before I leave for Montreal I just need to stay the course, and then hopefully not do too badly over the four-day trip. In preparation for the trip I have purchased and downloaded a new audio book, and will be listening happily to the story of zero-day malware for the duration of the drive to and from the city of my birth. While for many people this would sound like torture, I assure you that it is right up my alley.

    My sleep this week has not been great, but last night it was abysmal. I tossed and I turned and I just could not fall asleep. When I got up to pee around 5am I pushed my wake-up alarm by forty-five minutes, knowing that I had probably only fallen asleep two hours earlier. I am not sure if the sleep score of 31 that my fitness watch recorded was the worst night sleep I’ve had since I started tracking it, but it would have to be close. If I am going to get through today without falling asleep on camera it will be only with large doses of caffeine, which of course will in turn affect my sleep tonight. It may be the last day of the week, but before we celebrate the weekend, I have fourteen hours of teaching to do. I’ll make it… but I likely will not enjoy it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1155

    I briefly considered reweighing myself after I had a second (and more productive) bowel movement after Princess Sophie and I came in from our walk. I decided not to simply because I had a large glass of water, and I am trying to stay focused on the downward trend and not the individual plots on the weight loss graph. As such, we weight this morning remained constant with what it was yesterday. Tomorrow morning it will be lower than it is today… as long as I stay true to my program.

    I have been feeling hunger in the afternoon and evening, and am trying to remind myself that there is a difference between actual hunger and my stomach reminding me that I am not giving it as much food as it is accustomed to. I am having a small plate of pasta with olive oil and some cheese at lunch, but in the morning, and then after my class I am only having shakes. I knew yesterday that if I did not prepare a meal replacement shake during my mid-evening break I would likely not have been able to make it through the class, and that would not be good for anyone.

    I know I am impatient and that the weight will continue to come off, but I am really hoping it happens sooner rather than later. I am sick of wearing the one vest that fits me and I am tired of having to select the shirts that are not too tight. I realize that if I am going to continue eating pasta in the afternoon I will not experience extreme drops every day, but I need to make it through this week and next… and the boxes of spaghetti that were in my pantry are not cheating on the no groceries plan. I remember every truism that I have told myself over the last three years and am going to continue to try… and I will get there. Eventually.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1154

    I did better yesterday than I had the previous day, but I still have work to do before I am in top form on my program. My weight, which was up a pound yesterday, is now down two pounds this morning. I am reminded that it is not the points on the graph, but rather the trend that matters. With that said, I have to keep the trend going or else it is a huge failure.

    The meal replacements that I ordered Monday are due to arrive today, and I am stocked up to hit the ground running upon my return from Montreal Tuesday afternoon. While I am still planning to work at it until I leave, I know that on my trip (Saturday through Tuesday) I will be a giant ball of anxiety and stress, and expecting to stay true to the program is not reasonable. I set that expectation before I posted my ‘No Groceries’ calendar on the inside of my door. While I am not going to go crazy with eating and snacking, I am also not going to try to consume only meal replacements. Yes, I will take some with me. No, I am not planning on sticking to the program. That will begin in earnest Wednesday.

    Spring is in the air, and my walk with Her Floofness this morning was quite pleasant. That being said, every year Canadians experience their first warm days in March and are then shocked to find out that we are not quite done with winter weather until mid-April. With today’s forecast high temperatures of 18°, some may think that it is time to store their coats in the cellar and to change out their winter tyres. They do not notice that tomorrow’s forecast low is the freezing point, and by Saturday and Sunday that drops further to -6°. The forecast for Montreal for the duration of my stay predicts a maximum high of 7° and a low of -9°. I am not even making the appointment to change my tyres until that is in my rearview mirror.

    With all that, it was still nice to walk through the park this morning unmolested by ice and snow and slush. What were extremely hazardous walking paths a few short days ago are now mostly dry with the occasional puddle or wet patch. It is a relief to not worry about injuring oneself due to slipping and falling as a price for walking my dog through the park. While I am sad that I will be stuck behind my computer for most of the day and evening, I do plan to spend my lunch break on the balcony… and that door will be open to allow Princess Sophie to sit out and bask in the sun as she watches over her subjects walking through her realm.

    My weight is still way too far above the terrible mark, but I have a plan. That is important. My first short-term goals are to drop below that permanently, and to hopefully drop below 290 lbs. by April 11th – the night of my Lodge’s banquet.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1153

    The long day yesterday was good for me, despite the fact that my weight was up this morning. There was a little more pasta and sauce left over than I thought so I ended up having some for lunch and for dinner. I will be more careful today.

    When I get off of work this afternoon, I will take Her Floofness for a walk, and then I will likely relax on the balcony with a cigar. I do have some prep work to do for my class next week, but I am confident that I will be able to get through it.

    The class I am teaching this week is among the largest I have ever taught online, and it requires a little more work and concentration. Well, I should say that as far as advanced classes it is one of the largest, because my evening class ‘Entry-Level Network Technician’ is actually larger. I will get through it without problems, but I am not lying when I say that I am relieved that I do not have to teach another class this evening as well.

    My meeting in Montreal is now less than a week away, and I am stressed and anxious about it… again. At least this time the likelihood of a debilitating snowstorm is less likely to paralyze my travel plans than was the case in early February.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1152

    Day One of my renewed efforts saw slight but not total fails. I found myself away from home for longer than I expected, and I bought a bag of potato chips. I was certain that when I weighed myself this morning I would be back up to 212 lbs.; what a relief that my weight was in fact down by a pound from yesterday, making for a total drop since Thursday morning of 4.4 pounds. Considering how disgustingly heavy I was then I am not calling this a resounding success, but at least I know that I am trying to regain my footing and begin to make progress.

    I was sitting with a Lodge brother yesterday and I told him, without going into the details of how, that I decided to drop twenty pounds before the banquet. He told me that he would encourage me and discussed his weight loss goals as well. I was glad that he did not try to discuss his strategy and did not ask me about mine. I really do not feel like discussing my plans for how I will do it but am happy to have the support of people who are encouraging me to do it.

    I also had a lovely video chat with my wife yesterday. It is hard living so far apart, and I am glad that technology allows us to not only talk but to see each other as well. I cannot imagine how much more difficult a long-distance relationship would have been before the era of video chats, let alone reasonable phone calls. I dated a girl when I was in the Army, and she lived in the United States. I cannot imagine how much money we wasted on long-distance calls… before she came to Israel to see me, and we both realized that it was a mistake. My marriage to Leslie is absolutely the right thing, but I am still glad that we do not have to pay thousands of dollars on phone bills!

    I did not sleep very well last night, and it was in large part because of my shoulder which has been bothering me. I spoke with a Lodge brother who is a chiropractor, and he is going to help me out, but first I have to have a day when I can go to his office. That will not be for a couple of weeks yet, and so I am thinking about taking a couple of pain killers in the evening before I go to sleep. I am hoping that helps, but we will see. If not, then I will stop taking them and I will try something else. In the meantime, my sleep score of 63 from last night does not bode well for how this day will go; I will be teaching from 8:30am until 5:00pm, and then from 6:30pm until 10:30pm. It is going to be a very long day… and I have three of those this week, while Tuesday and Thursday I am only teaching the daytime class.

    I said last week that I was hoping the packed schedule would help me with my eating, but it did not… if one can go to the grocery store to buy provisions, one can eat; also, once one is at the grocery store already then it is easy to just buy a couple of things that are counterproductive to weight loss. Knowing that I will not be shopping this week, but will be relying solely on meal replacements, is going to be most helpful. I am still weaning myself off food and will likely have my last plate of pasta for lunch today. Okay, I actually have plenty of pasta in the house, but only one meal worth of pasta sauce, so that should do it. I am giving myself this option because I know that the first few days of the program are extremely difficult, both emotionally and physically, and so if I find myself lagging in class this morning then I will give myself the option. I will not absolutely eat, but if I need it then I shall. I also know that if I do not eat it for lunch, but after a long day of teaching I feel I might need it to make it through the evening of teaching then I will have it between classes. It is a safety net if nothing else.

    So far this morning I am doing well on water and coffee, and I did remember to add fibre to my morning meal replacement. Also, in anticipation of a resounding success getting back onto the program, I have ordered more shakes.

    Wish me luck folks… and have a great day!

  • Day 1151

    One habit I am going to try to get back into, as I embark on this ‘No Groceries’ diet, is writing my journal article first thing in the morning (after my morning rituals, washroom, dog walking, and making coffee and my meal replacement). There have been too many days when I have forgotten, and it is meant to be a way for me to record my thoughts, emotions, and feelings to keep me honest. Not doing so every morning has led to where I ended up… and doing it half-assed is why I have spent most of the last four months hovering between 298 and 313 pounds. It is time for a reset, and I am going to give it my all.

    This morning, following my walk with Her Floofness, I had my first meal replacement shake. Okay, that is a lie; after I finished typing that sentence, I looked to my right and realized that I have taken three sips of it and am actually currently drinking my first meal replacement shake of the new regimen. I have some food that I will make for lunch, but I finished the eggs yesterday and am not going grocery shopping. Today is effectively Day 1 again.

    In the spirit of what I wrote in the first paragraph, I am feeling apprehensive. I do not know if I have the willpower to do it, and while I hope that I do, we all know that hope is not a strategy. I want to be able to fit into every shirt and jacket and suit and tuxedo and vest in my closet, and right now I do not. There is one suit that fits very tightly, and a few shirts that are still comfortable. None of my sports jackets fit, and only one of my vests fits. I have been wearing that vest over the few shirts that fit for every single class I have taught, and I am done with that. By next week I want to be able to wear the largest of my sports jackets. **Okay, I was wrong… kinda. The first of the sports jackets that I had made for me when I was first losing weight fits decently. I forgot about it because I had put it into a bag to donate in Cuba and forgot about it. I have not been back to Cuba for a year, so it has been sitting in my closet. Midway through writing this paragraph I pulled it out, tried it on, and then hung it up in the washroom. I also plugged in my hand steamer. When the steamer is heated up, I will steam the wrinkles out of it and will thus be able to wear it this week. I do not consider that any sort of victory, but at least I can give my vest a break.

    There are a couple of things that I need to remember to do while I am on the program. The first is to drink a lot of water; it is harder to remember to do that during the cold winter months, but as we slide into spring, I hope to be able to remember. The second is that I should be taking fibre. I had the jar of fibre powder on the counter this morning, but I still forgot to mix it into my meal replacement shake. I killed two birds with one stone by mixing a teaspoon of fibre into a glass of water and I downed it. Now I just have to remember to keep with it. Drinking a lot of water is one of the ways my body will flush some of the waste from my body. The fibre is important because as I curb and then cut out solid foods I want my bowels to stay regular. It is bad enough that there will be days when I do not move my bowels successfully; I remember how painful some of those movements can be, and I do not want to relive that!

    I do not know how long I will go. I know that next weekend I am driving to Montreal and do not plan to stick to the program during my four-day trip; the reason for my trip is too stress- and anxiety-ridden for me to even try. The next ‘break’ after that will be the weekend of April 11-12 because of the banquet and subsequent breakfast that I am obligated to attend, followed by that evening (Saturday) being the first Passover seder, and I will try to find one to attend. My hope is that after that I will have a box of matzah which I will enjoy for breakfast, but the rest of my meals will be replacements. I will decide closer to the actual date what I am going to do. This might be a 30-day sprint to drop 20-pounds, or it might turn into another push for my ultimate goal. We will see.

    This afternoon and evening I will be in Grimsby seeing friends, but before that I will be doing some work and having a video date with my wife. Aside from that, I have some work to do to prepare for some upcoming classes. That should be fun.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1150

    I did not buy groceries yesterday or today, but that is not really saying a lot. When I spoke with my wife yesterday afternoon I discussed my plan with her. Doing that gave me the opportunity to solidify my plan in my own mind. I will continue to eat what is in the house, but as it depletes, I will be replacing meals with protein shakes. That will begin tomorrow morning, as I finished the last of my eggs this morning.

    I do not know if this plan will get me down under the terrible mark before my trip to Montreal, but it will at least be a start. What I am really hoping is that by the time my banquet comes around (in just under four weeks’ time) I will be able to wear either of my tailored suits without worrying that the jacket is too tight. I wore one of them to Lodge Thursday evening and yes, I could have buttoned it… barely. I have four weeks to go from barely to comfortably. Wish me luck.

    I met a few of my Lodge brethren this afternoon for a number of discussions that had to happen. I left both meetings happy to have seen them and satisfied with the outcomes of the conversations.

    Today was also the first day I was able to leave the house without a jacket. Spring is definitely around the corner. Looking at the long-range forecast the high temperatures will be 7°, with the remaining days all hitting double-digits. The nights will still be chilly, with low temperatures ranging from -2° to 4° over the next ten days. Chilly, but improving.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1149

    I am invited to an Orthodox Sabbath dinner this evening and while I am looking forward to the evening and traditions, I wish my weight was in a better place where I would not feel guilty about the foods.

    This morning I printed a one-month calendar that I taped to the inside of my door. It reads (in bit bold letters): NO GROCERIES. I have decided to finish the food that I have on hand, but go back onto protein shakes for much of the next month. Yes, there are going to be times when that will not work – a four-day trip to Montreal starting next Saturday, and then a banquet I am obligated to attend April 11. Other than that, I am easing myself back onto my full extreme program as the food on hand runs out.

    Have a great day folks.