Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 584

    I am happy to be down another .8 lb. from yesterday morning. At the same time I watch my wife who is a lot more religious about following the strict program than even I am about following my modified program and who is not doing nearly as well with sadness. I realize that every body’s metabolism is different and that there are marked differences between men and women, but to see her frustration at her slow rate of progress is heartbreaking.

    Today is our last day together for this trip which always makes me sad. At the same time I know that we will see each other again in 3.5 weeks in California, so it is not so daunting as it has often been. When I left Dallas at the end of July, I thought we would not see each other again until California which was much harder. This trip was too short, but it was wonderful to be together, and it was a good way to break that too-long time apart. I will miss her dearly when I drop her off at the airport today… and that is when the countdown to when I will pick her up at Los Angeles International Airport officially begins. In case anyone thinks I am not counting, as of this minute that is 24 days and fifteen hours from now.

    I am once again below 255 lbs., if only barely. Prior to this morning I had previously registered under that mark fifteen times (between March 31 and June 1st). Looking at the list of those dates I can see that after the first time I achieved that number it was for only one day. The second time as well. It was not until May 20th that I got back there and stayed under that number… until June 1st, the last time I was this weight. I do not have those days to compete with this time, and 250 lbs. is not my goal, it is just my next major milestone that I am eagerly looking forward to, and which I plan to celebrate only with a fist pump and a whoop, and not with a steak dinner. I do not plan to veer from the program again until I am in California with my wife.

    We are spending the afternoon with friends, so I am going to cut this short. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 583

    For the second day in a row I stuck to my modified program perfectly yesterday, and I was rewarded for it. Ed McMahon rang my door with a cheque from Publisher’s Clearinghouse for Ten Million Dollars! Okay, no… but I did get to cross another number off on my fridge-side tracker! I dropped 1.4 lbs. from yesterday morning which is absolutely astonishing. It may not be $10 Million, but it is still a very nice minor victory.

    I was speaking with Leslie last night about a lot of weight-related issues. One of them is that I am going to the doctor next Thursday, and wouldn’t it be nice if I could show a significant drop in weight from my last weigh-in. At the end of May I weighed 116kg; after that I started my slide which I hope was just a plateau. At the end of June I met with my new doctor for the first time, and I had gained 4.7kg – nearly 11 lbs. I was certain that I had done the worst and would be back on track immediately, but July proved to be a harder month than I thought. I did not actually step onto the scale when I was at the doctor’s at the end of July, but I was up about half a kilo in the month. If I were to step onto her scale today, I should weigh a little more than 5kg less than I did then, and it would be my best weigh-in at the doctor’s office ever. With five days left to go I would love to lose another 2-3 lbs., which would take me under 115kg! That would be my best weigh-in at a doctor’s office since before I went into the Army. Yes, I saw plenty of doctors during my service… but never for a regular check-up. I seem to recall weighing over 260 lbs. when I saw my Canadian doctor the first time after returning, which would have been some time in 1997. I am thrilled to be on this path!

    Not only am I thrilled by that, but I am also excited to be able to say something honestly today that I have been dishonest about since May. I have lost 140 lbs. overall. I have not in the last three months amended that when asked, even though at the worst of my sliding I was back to having lost 115 lbs. I am also less than six pounds away from dropping below that monumental milestone: I have not since leaving the Army weighed less than 250 lbs. I achieved that number on May 27 (Day 492)… and then the slipping began. The day that I step onto the bathroom scale and see the number 249.x – it could be 249.999 for all it matters – I will jump for joy. If I am able to stay on track, then I am almost certain to reach that before I fly to California in 3.5 weeks. My wife will see me at the lowest weight that she has ever seen me… and the lowest that anyone has seen me in my post-Army life.

    While writing that paragraph I realized something, and I decided to go back to confirm it. While I was a full 5.6 lbs. lower than I am now (according to my spreadsheet, there are nineteen days when I have weighed less), none of those days coincided with us being together. When she woke up this morning, I weighed less than my wife has ever seen me. When she gets out of the shower, I am going to tell her that… and we will sit on the patio with our coffee and cigars.

    Our plan for the day is to see a movie. We discussed picking up some almonds to munch on but unless she mentions it again, I am not going to. I think I might have been pushing her to do that, and I do not want to impede her progress. She is doing so well, and I will not be the reason she falters… certainly not with all of the love and support she has shown me during this long, strange, and often tumultuous trip. I am thinking of preparing our evening meal replacements as a fine candlelit dinner on the balcony. We’ll see if I can manage it. Otherwise, we will just enjoy our last full day together. She flies home tomorrow, and that is hard for both of us.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 582

    I have no idea why my first reaction when seeing a 1.2 lb. drop on the bathroom scale this morning was disappointment. It allowed me to not only re-cross and re-date my tracker on the fridge and is a great single-day drop. I suppose is a psychological issue that I should be trying to deal with. Woohoo!

    As I had hoped (and written about) I have dropped below 258 lbs., which does make me happy. I am still seven pounds from my best weight ever, but I am definitely going in the right direction. I will get there for sure.

    I received in the mail today the bi-yearly advert from my Hong Kong tailors. I am currently only fifteen pounds lower than I was when I was measured for my last shirts and suits, and they are still fitting pretty nicely. With that said, the older shirts that I had made in 2017 are very loose (especially the neck) and I am seriously thinking of getting a few more made. We will see.

    It’s been a long week but a good one. I am thrilled that Leslie is here. The class that I was auditing is now over and I have a couple of hours before I start to teach. In six hours my weekend with my wife begins.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 581

    While yesterday did not go as well as planned (there were a number of impediments to my well planned timing of my meal replacements), the bathroom scale did once again show a lower number than yesterday. It was not a severe drop, but it was a drop. Speaking of drops, I am now on my third day of not moving my bowels on the current streak. Sigh.

    It is so wonderful to have my wife here; she is only here for a short visit, but I am so thrilled to see her. As soon as she texted me that she was through Customs I left the Cell Phone Waiting Lot and zipped over to the terminal… and twenty minutes later she was in the car. It is truly amazing how badly people drive at and around the airport. We then hit the highway and were on a beeline to get home quickly when we the highway, clear as one would expect at 11:30pm, came to a stop. We are not 100% certain of what the incident on the road was, but we sat there for at least half an hour before we were turned around and forced to get onto the toll road. If I think of it I will try to figure out what happened… when they close a 400-series highway in Toronto/Mississauga there must be something on the news about it.

    Over the last few days I have realized that I want to start wearing my pants differently. In 1998 I acted in a play, and I remember a conversation with the costumer who told me, as I secured my belt beneath my stomach, that normal people secure their belt right around their bellybutton while fat people wore it under their fat. That is where I have worn my belt for decades; yesterday and today I realized that I was having trouble with that, but I still cannot secure it properly higher up… at least, not consistently. I am able to do it for a bit, then find myself having to pull my pants up.

    I stand corrected. During my class’s morning break I was able to take care of business in the restroom… and very productively and to great relief. I feel much better! I only wish I had been able to do it prior to weighing myself this morning. Oh well… that’s life!

    I will be in class all day but that in the afternoon there will be a section that I need to pay less attention to so that Leslie and I can enjoy a cigar together on the balcony. I do not mind listening to the class with half an ear, but I do not get nearly enough time with my wife as I would like, so hopefully we will be able to bask in each others’ company for a few extra hours. While the wind will be picking up this afternoon, there is no rain in the forecast until the middle of the night. Hopefully the wind is not too bad…

    It is great to have my wife here, and that makes my day better! It also gives me a much better chance of being successful with my modified weight loss program. I am extremely unlikely to cheat on my program while my wife is here; she is not responsible for keeping me accountable… but as she is on a similar program to mine (the American program, unmodified) then the least I can do is to not try to not entice her by breaking my stride. Yes, I made my omelette this morning… but that is my modified program, and I will not be eating anything else other than my meal replacements.

    I decided that with the minor slide that I had these last few days I am going to re-cross and re-date the 258 lbs. threshold on my sheet again when I drop below it, which will almost certainly be tomorrow morning. I did not do the same when I dropped back below 260 lbs., but I was only above that threshold for two days. I spent over a week above that last best threshold that I had previously reached, and I am happy to re-date it to show my progress forward from here, and not from last week.

    Okay, I am going to start focusing on my class.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 580

    Just a few days ago I was counselling Leslie about how to handle something; I told her that one of the dangers of cheating is getting onto the scale the next morning and realizing that cheating did not impede your progress. Seeing that it becomes easy to justify those little cheats in your mind… and little cheats have a tendency to morph into large cheats. I was reminded of the conversation this morning when I stepped onto the bathroom scale. I know that I cheated yesterday, eating more peanuts than even my regular cheats might have allowed for. I was disgusted with myself all evening and was resigned to the fact that my weight would be up this morning. In fact it was down nearly a full pound. I am not going to let this become a habit of indulging in large cheats. I am going to take it as a reprieve only.

    I reached out to someone I have not spoken to in a few years this morning. During the conversation he told me that he is a regular reader of my weight loss blog and congratulated me on my hard work and success. I was shocked. I did not realize that anyone read it on a regular basis. It warmed my heart and brought a tear to my eye. Hopefully one day I can inspire others on the same path.

    Leslie is flying in this evening! I am so excited, but I have to get through the class I am sitting through during the day, and the class I am teaching this evening. Once that is done, I can head out to the airport. Yay! We are both so excited! This will be our least expensive visit to date only because we are both on our very strict diet programs and so we will not be eating out. That is not a concern of mine, it is just something I thought about.

    While the forecast this morning called for rain only until 9:00am it is still raining outside my window. That forecast has been amended predicting rain through 1:00pm or so. Of course I am not sure how accurate that is as meteorologists were put on this earth to make psychics look good. Still and all, if it is not windy, I might take my afternoon class on the balcony, nonetheless. The definite advantage is that the sun will not make it difficult to see the screen. We will see how I feel after the lunch break, which is now. On that subject, I am going to try to make it through to 12:30pm before preparing my meal replacement, which would then position me well to have my next one at 5:00pm and then at 9:15pm – one before my class, and the other after my class and before I drive to the airport to pick up my wife. The best laid plans of mice, right?

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 579

    After several days of sliding (which I suppose is a nice word for cheating) I finally had a day of sticking to the program on Monday. I did go to bed slightly hungry, but not terribly so. I woke up this morning after not sleeping very well (which had nothing to do with hunger which was forgotten very quickly) I was once again not successful in the restroom (which does get frustrating after a while) I was happy to see a significant drop on the bathroom scale. I lost nearly two pounds, putting me back to where I was a couple of days ago. I am still 1.4 lbs. from my best recent weight (it was six days ago when I crossed off the number 258.0 on the side of my fridge), so I am at least going in the right direction.

    It was not a very difficult day for me. I was sitting in a class throughout the day, and I taught in the evening. I took Her Royal Floofness for a walk in the morning and then another one in the evening – even though she spent the day playing with her friends Charlie (doggo) and Sue (human). They likely went out for a few walks, but when she asks so nicely to go outside, and the weather is agreeable then it is not at all a hardship for me.

    I did get a little hungry in the afternoon yesterday, and decided the best way to address that hunger was not to give in to it, rather to find a way to put it out of my mind. I decided to take my mobile office onto the balcony and sit through the last couple of hours of my class with a cigar. It worked, and I was able to get through the rest of the day by having a shake at 5:15pm and then another when I came in from Sophie’s walk at 9:45pm.

    My plan for today is to stay on track and do exactly what I did yesterday. I am not teaching in the evening, but I will make sure I can stay busy and keep my mind occupied. I suspect there might be a cigar or two in that plan. I just want to get back to my best recent weight so that when I pick Leslie up from the airport I will look as good as I can, in addition to feeling as good about myself as I can. I never feel good in the knowledge that I have failed in something.

    I have had this text open for a while and have been half writing, half listening to my class for the last hour. I am going to try to do my best today as I can… I did it yesterday so I can do it today, right?

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 578

    Today is the day that I am going to get back on track. I have been asked to audit a class this week (one that I have taught many times before) which means that I will be sitting at my desk all week during the day, in addition to teaching Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings. As well, my gorgeous wife arrives Wednesday evening and will be my encouragement on the program… as I will be hers. I expect that this week I shall be able to record at least some weight loss.

  • Day 577

    I had an epiphany last night. Wednesday my buddy came over. We talked about food… and I started falling off the program day after day. I went to his house yesterday and we once again talked about food. I fell off the program worse. I think the first thing I have to do is stop talking to people about food. I am going to try that for the next few days.

  • Day 576

    I cannot seem to get back on track. At least it is not as bad as it could be, but I am still unable to get through the afternoon without preparing a second omelette for myself. I will try to do better today, but it is Saturday… weekends tend to be challenging because I do not have a lot going on. I am going to try even harder. In fact, I do have something going on today… my buddy invited me over for a cigar in the afternoon. It is a lovely day outside and I am looking forward to seeing him and his wife. I saw him earlier in the week, but I have not seen her since June.

    My wife surprised me last night. She is coming to see me this coming week! It was a surprise, but a very welcome one. I had not been doing a lot of smiling the previous few days; since she told me I have hardly stopped smiling! We had a great chat last night, and while I was concerned that I might not be able to sleep from the excitement I was truly exhausted and got six hours of very deep sleep. Yes, only six hours… My eyes popped open early, and I was not getting back to sleep no matter how I tried.

    While I had a second omelette yesterday, my weight was still down slightly this morning. Hopefully I can continue to lose weight over the next few days. I had said just a few days ago how exciting it would be if I could be at my best weight ever when I next saw Leslie. There is no good way for me to lose nine pounds in five days but at least I have not completely fallen off the program. Indeed, if my weight stays exactly where it was this morning then I will be ten pounds lighter than the last time she saw me!

    I got up early this morning and so while I have spent a bit of time futzing about, I am nevertheless ready to go… and it is only 10:45am. I invited the neighbour doggo for a playdate with her Royal Floofness, and they are having a grand old time. I am not going to head out to my friends’ place until 1:00pm or so I think I will sit on the balcony with a breakfast cigar and the last of my coffee. It will be a relaxing morning. I have no plans to veer from the program today… but then, I never do. I just have to stay strong and get through it without anything extra.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 575

    I was terrible yesterday… or at least I cheated and had to pay the price for it this morning. I could not ignore my hunger in the late afternoon, and I went down to my car to get the rest of the peanuts I had purchased the previous day. I left them in the car for precisely the reason that I did not want them around me; they may have been out of sight, but they were not out of mind. They did not satisfy me, so I prepared for myself another omelette.

    I told Leslie later on that I was disgusted with myself. How is it that I can have such utter lack of discipline and control? Yes, there are a number of things in the house that would have been worse for me, but I have to be able to focus and stay on course. She did her best to cheer me up, but I went to bed angry with myself.

    I woke up this morning another .4 lbs. heavier than I was yesterday morning.

    I am going the wrong way. I need to focus, stay mindful, and fight these cravings! I need to remember that the brief satisfaction will lead to emotional distress, not to mention the fact that it is no way to lose weight.

    I will try to do better today. I will do better today.