I am still where I was yesterday. Emotionally distraught. I am a real mess. I am going to see some friends in Grimsby for dinner and to break my Passover after sundown. I just wish…
Category: Anxiety
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Day 1185
My day today will be consumed with helping my buddy. I can’t do anything else.
I have been thinking these last few days about stopping my daily blogging… at least for now. I am not sure what I am going to do. I need to get right with myself. It is not an easy task.
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Day 1180
It did not occur to me until later that I forgot to weigh myself this morning. That is too bad, as I think I did pretty well yesterday. Well, if I continue that trend today, then I will see a great improvement tomorrow over yesterday.
The soup came out wonderfully. Unfortunately, that, along with everything else that I said or heard or did yesterday, reminded me of the one thing I am trying to keep off my mind. I swear that I must have told Lyle three dozen times yesterday that ‘Oh, that reminds me of…’ The despair continues.
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Day 1179
Last night’s Passover Seder was a delight. I was invited by a group of friends who were all kicked out of a community group because they are Zionists. Not all of them were Jewish, but they were all my people. It was a delight. The company was wonderful, the food was delicious; Passover is truly my favourite of the Jewish holidays.
I was worried about my weight following last night’s meal, but I actually dropped back down to what I weighed before I went to Toronto. Phew.
While I slept marvelously Friday night, last night was not as good. It was not horrible, but it could have been better.
As I write this, I am also making chicken soup. Once I press save I will add the matzah balls into the mix. I cheated a bit this year – I asked my buddy Lyle, a gourmet chef, to prepare the chicken stock. Actually, last weekend I asked him for advice, and he told me that he was already making it this week, and did not mind making extra for me. Now I have it on the stove with carrots, onions, and dill. I am cooking chicken in the air fryer, and in a few minutes that will go into the pot as well. It will be a good few days of soup. Hopefully it will help to get me out of my funk. As the old saying goes… if it doesn’t help, at least it doesn’t hurt. I miss my wife.
Have a great day folks.
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Day 1178
I am going to a Passover Seder this evening. I wish I was feeling more in the holiday spirit but the truth is that my heart is in agony and my spirits are so low that I do not feel like celebrating. Last night at my Lodge gala I plastered a smile on my face and it was all I could do to not cry.
I am back from my three-day stay in Toronto and while I was thrilled to be back in front of a live class, that was only for eight hours per day. The rest of the time I was trying to keep myself out of a deep and dark abyss. The fact that I did not gain more weight – the fact that I did not balloon to my highest weight in two years – was a minor if hollow victory for me.
I hope that as the weather improves, so too will my spirits. Sometimes it is hard to see that things will improve. That’s where I am.
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Day 1176
Yesterday was another emotional rollercoaster. I loved teaching in person, but I am still in all kinds of agony about other things that I do not care to go into. It has been over a week since I got the news, and I am still reeling from it. Despite getting to bed at a reasonable hour last night (I finished teaching, as usual, around 10:15pm, and my lights were off by 11:00pm) I did not fall asleep until nearly 2:00am. For the second night in a row my sleep score was 65. I really have to get that sorted if I am going to be of any use to myself or to anyone.
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Day 1173
My sleep was worse last night than I can remember it being. I finally fell asleep around 12:45am, and my eyes popped open at 3:05am. Thankfully I was able to have a nap in the morning… albeit a short one. Add to that, I was unable to move my bowels, and my weight loss streak came to an ignominious end.
I am still exhausted beyond belief. Hopefully I can take another nap before my class this evening.
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Day 1172
Over a two-week period, I gained ten pounds. I have now lost that weight again, but I have a very long way to go. After four straight days of weight loss, this morning I was expecting to see a bad number on the bathroom scale; instead, my streak extended to five days. It was a relief indeed, but I hope that I can keep it up.
I did not sleep well again last night. Friday night I slept marvelously, and my sleep score was 89. Last night my sleep was quite fitful, and my score was down to 65. How lovely would it be to have a long streak of great sleep? I am not holding my breath. Hopefully when I am able to start exercising again, I will be able to see some improvement.
It was nice to sit with my lodge brother last night for dinner and a cigar. He is a mental health care advocate, and he knows a lot of what I am going through. While he cannot actively help me, at least he can listen. I know that he cares. He told me last night that I am not alone. If I were always among friends then it might feel that way, but as I lie in bed at night, awake, with only my wonderful doggie to keep me company, it is hard to remember that there is anyone in the world who really cares.
Nobody knows what the future will bring, but I am hoping that things will be better. It is hard to see it from where I am… but I must hope.
With Passover starting a week from today, and with the first Passover Seder next Saturday, I am tempted to make a pot of chicken soup with matzah balls for the week. I will decide shortly, but the idea of not having chicken soup with matzah balls during Passover is completely anathema to me. Even last year, when I was helping Leslie with an untenable situation that had us staying in a hotel for safety concerns, I found some to keep things normal. This year… well, I might drive into Hamilton to see if there is a Jewish deli that sells it and if not? Yes, I will make a pot. I suppose that will be one of my tasks for the day. Tracking down soup for Pesach. While it is not terribly fattening, it is very salty, so I will be retaining water for a few days.
Also in advance of the holiday I am having my cleaning lady come in tomorrow to clean the place up. I do a decent job of keeping it neat, but I am woefully inadequate with certain aspects that she just does better. It will be nice to have a clean house for the holiday… even though from Tuesday through Saturday I will be away.
Have a great day folks!
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Day 1171
I am not having an easy time of it emotionally. I am doing my best to stay focused, and I am trying my best to stay on track with my program. It is mostly working, and my weight continues to drop day over day. I am seven pounds lighter than I was on Tuesday, but that still has me at a terrible number. The fact that my world seems to be falling apart around me does not make it easy to stay on track.
I am looking ahead at the week, and I know that I will be in a hotel from Tuesday through Friday, and then Friday evening is my lodge’s banquet, and then Saturday evening is the first Passover seder. While I was hoping to be below 300 lbs. in time for the banquet that is not realistic, but I am hoping to at least continue to lose weight through my three days on the road. I know, it is strange that I will be ‘on the road’ in the same city, but that is the way it is when you live in a city this big.
I have been taking it easy today, but in a couple of hours will head down to Grimsby to see a couple of friends.
Have a great day folks.
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Day 1170
Yesterday was hard for a few reasons, but I still managed to make slight progress with my weight this morning, dropping another few ounces according to the bathroom scale.
My stress and anxiety are nearly crippling me right now but I have to get through. I have too many things I need to do and too many people I do not want to disappoint. If I were to disappear it would leave a heavy burden on those that I love so I am going to keep struggling through.
I am not suicidal. There is a difference in my mind between wishing I was gone versus actively thinking of making myself gone. I will not harm myself. I will not carelessly put myself in harm’s way. I am just really struggling right now, and the only reason I can think of to stick around is to clear up my messes so that they do not become a burden to others. I am hurting, and I feel completely alone.
