Losing a part of me

Category: Anxiety

  • Day 1155

    I briefly considered reweighing myself after I had a second (and more productive) bowel movement after Princess Sophie and I came in from our walk. I decided not to simply because I had a large glass of water, and I am trying to stay focused on the downward trend and not the individual plots on the weight loss graph. As such, we weight this morning remained constant with what it was yesterday. Tomorrow morning it will be lower than it is today… as long as I stay true to my program.

    I have been feeling hunger in the afternoon and evening, and am trying to remind myself that there is a difference between actual hunger and my stomach reminding me that I am not giving it as much food as it is accustomed to. I am having a small plate of pasta with olive oil and some cheese at lunch, but in the morning, and then after my class I am only having shakes. I knew yesterday that if I did not prepare a meal replacement shake during my mid-evening break I would likely not have been able to make it through the class, and that would not be good for anyone.

    I know I am impatient and that the weight will continue to come off, but I am really hoping it happens sooner rather than later. I am sick of wearing the one vest that fits me and I am tired of having to select the shirts that are not too tight. I realize that if I am going to continue eating pasta in the afternoon I will not experience extreme drops every day, but I need to make it through this week and next… and the boxes of spaghetti that were in my pantry are not cheating on the no groceries plan. I remember every truism that I have told myself over the last three years and am going to continue to try… and I will get there. Eventually.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1153

    The long day yesterday was good for me, despite the fact that my weight was up this morning. There was a little more pasta and sauce left over than I thought so I ended up having some for lunch and for dinner. I will be more careful today.

    When I get off of work this afternoon, I will take Her Floofness for a walk, and then I will likely relax on the balcony with a cigar. I do have some prep work to do for my class next week, but I am confident that I will be able to get through it.

    The class I am teaching this week is among the largest I have ever taught online, and it requires a little more work and concentration. Well, I should say that as far as advanced classes it is one of the largest, because my evening class ‘Entry-Level Network Technician’ is actually larger. I will get through it without problems, but I am not lying when I say that I am relieved that I do not have to teach another class this evening as well.

    My meeting in Montreal is now less than a week away, and I am stressed and anxious about it… again. At least this time the likelihood of a debilitating snowstorm is less likely to paralyze my travel plans than was the case in early February.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1151

    One habit I am going to try to get back into, as I embark on this ‘No Groceries’ diet, is writing my journal article first thing in the morning (after my morning rituals, washroom, dog walking, and making coffee and my meal replacement). There have been too many days when I have forgotten, and it is meant to be a way for me to record my thoughts, emotions, and feelings to keep me honest. Not doing so every morning has led to where I ended up… and doing it half-assed is why I have spent most of the last four months hovering between 298 and 313 pounds. It is time for a reset, and I am going to give it my all.

    This morning, following my walk with Her Floofness, I had my first meal replacement shake. Okay, that is a lie; after I finished typing that sentence, I looked to my right and realized that I have taken three sips of it and am actually currently drinking my first meal replacement shake of the new regimen. I have some food that I will make for lunch, but I finished the eggs yesterday and am not going grocery shopping. Today is effectively Day 1 again.

    In the spirit of what I wrote in the first paragraph, I am feeling apprehensive. I do not know if I have the willpower to do it, and while I hope that I do, we all know that hope is not a strategy. I want to be able to fit into every shirt and jacket and suit and tuxedo and vest in my closet, and right now I do not. There is one suit that fits very tightly, and a few shirts that are still comfortable. None of my sports jackets fit, and only one of my vests fits. I have been wearing that vest over the few shirts that fit for every single class I have taught, and I am done with that. By next week I want to be able to wear the largest of my sports jackets. **Okay, I was wrong… kinda. The first of the sports jackets that I had made for me when I was first losing weight fits decently. I forgot about it because I had put it into a bag to donate in Cuba and forgot about it. I have not been back to Cuba for a year, so it has been sitting in my closet. Midway through writing this paragraph I pulled it out, tried it on, and then hung it up in the washroom. I also plugged in my hand steamer. When the steamer is heated up, I will steam the wrinkles out of it and will thus be able to wear it this week. I do not consider that any sort of victory, but at least I can give my vest a break.

    There are a couple of things that I need to remember to do while I am on the program. The first is to drink a lot of water; it is harder to remember to do that during the cold winter months, but as we slide into spring, I hope to be able to remember. The second is that I should be taking fibre. I had the jar of fibre powder on the counter this morning, but I still forgot to mix it into my meal replacement shake. I killed two birds with one stone by mixing a teaspoon of fibre into a glass of water and I downed it. Now I just have to remember to keep with it. Drinking a lot of water is one of the ways my body will flush some of the waste from my body. The fibre is important because as I curb and then cut out solid foods I want my bowels to stay regular. It is bad enough that there will be days when I do not move my bowels successfully; I remember how painful some of those movements can be, and I do not want to relive that!

    I do not know how long I will go. I know that next weekend I am driving to Montreal and do not plan to stick to the program during my four-day trip; the reason for my trip is too stress- and anxiety-ridden for me to even try. The next ‘break’ after that will be the weekend of April 11-12 because of the banquet and subsequent breakfast that I am obligated to attend, followed by that evening (Saturday) being the first Passover seder, and I will try to find one to attend. My hope is that after that I will have a box of matzah which I will enjoy for breakfast, but the rest of my meals will be replacements. I will decide closer to the actual date what I am going to do. This might be a 30-day sprint to drop 20-pounds, or it might turn into another push for my ultimate goal. We will see.

    This afternoon and evening I will be in Grimsby seeing friends, but before that I will be doing some work and having a video date with my wife. Aside from that, I have some work to do to prepare for some upcoming classes. That should be fun.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1149

    I am invited to an Orthodox Sabbath dinner this evening and while I am looking forward to the evening and traditions, I wish my weight was in a better place where I would not feel guilty about the foods.

    This morning I printed a one-month calendar that I taped to the inside of my door. It reads (in bit bold letters): NO GROCERIES. I have decided to finish the food that I have on hand, but go back onto protein shakes for much of the next month. Yes, there are going to be times when that will not work – a four-day trip to Montreal starting next Saturday, and then a banquet I am obligated to attend April 11. Other than that, I am easing myself back onto my full extreme program as the food on hand runs out.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1146

    I got through the day yesterday, but I made the mistake of eating a fruit in the evening. Note to self: Stop buying fruit and stop buying bread.

  • Day 1145

    My anxiety kept me up last night… and then woke me up early this morning. In two weeks I will have my appointment and hopefully things will go well and very hopefully that will make things a bit easier. We will see. In the meantime, this is going to be a very long week of working… and I am thrilled by that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1144

    I don’t know how well I did yesterday… but I am doing a bit better today. So far…

    I am teaching all week starting tomorrow… I have a class from 8:30-5:00, which is a very reasonable day. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I still have my evening courses from 6:15-10:15pm, which is also reasonable… until you take the two of them together, which makes for three very long days this weekI am hoping I will be able to use the busy days to lose some weight!

    Oh by the way…next week will be the same!

    Have a great day, folks.

  • Day 1142

    I had a very difficult conversation with my wife yesterday. I think she now has a better understanding of the depth of my troubles these last few months. I hated having to put so much weight on her, but I will not lie to her.

    My weight loss has been a complete and total failure these last few months, and every attempt I have made to make it better has been a failure. The fact that it is not worse is nothing more than luck. I am going to have to figure out some changes.

    I woke up this morning in pain. It is not a serious pain, but it is in my foot and it is an outbreak of gout. Fortunately, and for the first time in a couple of years, I have the medicine that is meant to take ‘in the event of outbreaks’ and I took it right away. I will take it thrice daily until I am no longer in pain. I hope that is not very long.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1140 (2)

    I have been fooling myself to think that I have not been in a funk. The stress over waiting for that piece of paper to come in, and then of having to reschedule the appointment (as I wrote about recently) have masked the fact that, now that I have the paper, and now that I have been able to reschedule the appointment, the same stresses and anxieties that crippled me leading up to the original appointment (a month ago) are now once again very real. They were, and are again, debilitating. I am going to figure a way to work through them, but the bottom line is that the next three weeks will not be that different from the month of January and the first week of February.

    Sigh. And through this I need to lose weight. I’ll be happy if I keep my weight steady where it is.

  • Day 1139

    My weight was down this morning, but not as much as it might have been had I been able to successfully move my bowels before breakfast. When I finally did, I was certain that my weight might have dropped a bit more significantly. As it stands, I have another 8 lbs. to lose to get below the terrible mark before March 10. Is it achievable? I do not know.

    The last few days I have been spending hours trying to get onto the page that will let me reschedule my appointment in Montreal. I have hit the Refresh button so many times that I am surprised my IP address was not flagged for a potential DDoS attack. Well ladies and gentlemen, this morning I was finally successful, and in just under three weeks I will have my second kick at that can. Yes, I have to head back to Montreal for a few more days… but maybe just maybe this time will be the one, and we will all live happily ever after.