Losing a part of me

Category: Anxiety

  • Day 1169

    I am back on track with my partial program, and am while I am seeing results, two days is not enough to see anything really. I need to go for a few weeks to make it real.

    There is an old saying that if you do not like the weather in Canada… wait a minute. Yesterday the temperatures were hovering around 0°, with the wind chill making it feel like -5°. It snowed and when I looked out around 5:30pm there was probably 3″ of accumulation – not unheard of, but certainly not common for this part of the country on the second day of April. This morning when I took Her Floofness out there was only a hint of snow left, with temperatures hovering around 14°. It is rainy and windy (the wind chill right now has it feeling like 5°) but the actual high temperature is expecting to hit 17°by noon. The wind is not forecast to abate until the evening. Welcome to springtime in Canada.

    Since Princess Sophie did not feel like walking much in the rain, I am thinking about taking her out at lunch. I will, of course, also take her out before I head to Grimsby this evening… but we will see. I might have to answer a bunch of emails at lunch so that might not be feasible.

    I did something today that I have not done in decades: I popped the top button on my shirt from sneezing. It was not because my neck is bigger today than it was the last time I wore the shirt (it is not), but rather because I knew that I had secured it improperly… probably too high on my neck; it felt tight, and I was about to adjust the collar when AHCHOO!!!! pop goes the button. I decided to wear the shirt anyways – my tie was already tied, and I was running late because I slept through my alarm. Looking at myself in the mirror I still look dapper, so I will let it go. With that said, this shirt will go into a pile to go to the tailor.

    Speaking of sleeping in… I must have needed it, because I do not even remember my alarm going off this morning. While it is set for 5:45am, I rolled out of bed around 7am to the slight panic of ‘Crap, I’m late!’ I knew that I was not really late… especially since breakfast is no longer a sit-down meal, but a blended meal-replacement shake. I was still sitting at my computer at 8:05am with my shake and coffee. Had Princess Sophie wanted to go for her full walk that would have extended to 8:30am, which would have still had me logged in for my class thirty minutes early. No problem. My sleep score was 80 for the second night in a row. Owing to some difficult news I received on Tuesday, my sleep the previous night did not feel very good, but I guess the biometric measurements don’t lie. Last night felt better than the previous night, but that could be because I worked the 14-hour day, and was truly exhausted by the end of it.

    My class this week is going very well. I am really engaging with the students, and I feel that they are really enjoying it. What a relief after the class I delivered last week… I felt like a fish out of water and just could not get my footing. It is a relief to be back on terra firma. Next week I am teaching Wednesday through Friday, and I have to travel for it. It will be my first work-related hotel stay in over four years and I am traveling to… Toronto. Yes, Toronto is so big and the commute would be so long that they are putting me up in a hotel for three nights. Without traffic it would be an hour-long drive. In rush-hour that could easily be 2.5 hours each way, which would be fine for Thursday (when I am free in the evening), but Wednesday evening I have to teach and that would not work. I was not going to argue when they suggested I get a hotel.

    Okay, I guess I should get into the headspace for my class. Showtime is in ten minutes. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1167

    I have to get a hold on myself. Today will be better.

  • Day 1166

    As we set out on the final day of March I am still struggling to get back onto my program, and it is hard. The stress and anxieties this weekend were more powerful than my willpower, and I did eat. I have to try harder and am going to redouble my efforts today to get back on track. At least my weight did not go up today… even the ounce or two that I dropped is better than gaining.

    Today begins another crazy long week of classes that have me teaching 14 hours Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I am embracing it, but I know I will be tired.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1165

    It was not until the early evening that I found something online that might ease my stress and anxiety a little… possibly bringing it down from a fourteen to an eleven. I am hoping…

    My weight dropped by nearly a pound this morning. It is progress but only because of how bad I had done the previous two days. I am hoping to do a little better today.

    I have to go to the supermarket today. I need coffee and sugar for said coffee. I will try to be good aside from those items.

    Have a great day.

  • Day 1164

    Yesterday was a disaster. I will not go into it and it might be nothing, but I found something out that put me into a panic and an eating frenzy. I have now regained all of the weight that I dropped just two short days ago. Until I find out otherwise (regarding what I accidentally discovered) then my anxiety levels will be dialed up to a fourteen. I do not know how I will get through it.

  • Day 1162

    When I saw the numbers on the bathroom scale yesterday morning I wanted to vomit. Despite all of the stress and anxiety, and not to mention the travel, I could not believe that I had gained nine pounds in four days. I was not back to where I had started… I was a couple of paces behind that. So when I stepped onto that horrible device this morning I was hoping to see a significant drop… but would I? I was not exactly perfect with my program yesterday. The drop of more than five pounds was a relief. I was back below 310 lbs., and honestly I was about where I thought I would be after the Montreal trip.

    I am going to do my best to curb my eating today, but I was not able to make it through the day yesterday, so I picked up some pasta (I had to go to the supermarket to get milk, so I made a slight detour down that aisle).

    Today is a short work day… which is to say I am only working from 8:30am to 5:00pm, and will not have to teach in the evening as well. That is tomorrow. I was also booked last-minute for another class next week, which means that I’ll have the crazy Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule again. How fun.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1161

    Holy crap, my first instinct was right. Despite a number of successful bowel movements these past few days, I gained a ridiculous amount of weight since leaving for Montreal. It is time to get back on track.

    I do have to go to the supermarket today… the milk in my fridge turned, and I do need it for coffee. Actually, it is more likely that I will go tomorrow, as I am teaching from morning until night.

  • Day 1147

    A 500kg weight was lifted off my chest yesterday morning. The interview that I have been stressing over was for my U.S. Green Card. When the Consular Officer told me that she was approving my visa I remained calm. I thanked her and I asked the list of questions I needed to ask, and then without showing any outward emotion I walked out, collected my smart phone and watch from the locker (they make you stow any electronics before entering) and I walked out into the snowy Montreal streets.

    Considering my lack of sleep I was feeling pretty awake. I sat in my car for twenty minutes calling first my wife (she was always going to be my first call whether I was approved or not), and then one Lodge brother who I have been sharing my struggles and anxieties with. I then texted a local friend who I was hoping to have a coffee with while I was in town. I picked up bagels and then drove to his office. By noon I was driving back to where I was staying, stopping along the way to pick up a Montreal smoked meat sandwich for lunch. Yes, I ate poorly yesterday, and there is a good chance that I will not do a lot better today. Tomorrow is Wednesday and my program resumes in earnest.

    I wrote most of what is above in the morning before I hit the road, but I was not able to concentrate and so I packed up and hit the road. It was a long drive with a lot of stops, but I am now home. As I expected (and predicted in the previous paragraph) I did not eat very well today. Driving days are never good for my program. I stopped for lunch, but I then stopped for an early dinner with a friend just north of Toronto. I then made another stop to have coffee with a close friend who has been very supportive of my immigration struggles, and I wanted to tell him in person before just about anyone else.

    I do not know if it was related to the stress and anxiety of it all, but I had not had a proper bowel movement in several days. This morning that changed… and how! I was relieved (both literally and figuratively). When I arrived back home, I had another extremely successful movement, so while I know my weight will still be up tomorrow morning, it is possible that it will not be as bad as I expected it might be. I was expecting to see a five-pound jump. What will it be? Who knows. We will see in the morning.

    Speaking of tomorrow: I will be right back into the thick of it. Tomorrow and Friday I am teaching once again from 8:30am until 10:30pm, and Thursday from 8:30pm until 5:30pm. No rest for the wicked, as they say. As such, I am going to go collect my doggie, and then I am going to try to get some sleep.

    Have a great evening folks!

  • Day 1159

    It is today.

    Despite two large pours of whisky last night I was not able to sleep. I might have closed my eyes for two hours despite being in bed at 9:30pm. It will be an interesting day indeed. I only hope that I can keep my eyes open and alert through my interview.

    I did not make any good choices yesterday. I suppose it is excusable and understandable, but that does not make me feel any better about it.

    It is now 5:40am and I am already parked and waiting for the breakfast restaurant around the corner from my appointment to open. I have to wait another 20 minutes for them to let me in, but at least I can sit in the lobby of the hotel in which the restaurant is located. It is currently a balmy -5 degrees Celsius so the comfortable and warm couch is better than standing outside.

    In the next few hours I will know… or at least I will know more than I do now. The anxiety is killing me.

    The newly crowned prime minister of Canada called an election yesterday which means that the next six weeks will see the mud slinging between the parties. I am relieved that the election system in Canada is much more condensed than the American election cycle that never really stops; I only hope that we can be more respectful of those we disagree with than our American neighbours.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1158

    Yesterday was not a good day for me.

    I was a bit out of sorts when I woke up, but that was not a big issue. I hit the road around 11am and was all ready for a nice and relaxing drive to Montreal. When my diet buddy texted me I called her so that I did not have to text while driving. With no ill intention she caused my stress and anxiety to shoot through the roof. I pulled off the road and fell off a cliff with regard to my eating. Large bags of potato chips are never a good idea. While it is bad that I turn to eating junk when in emotional crisis, at least I recognize it.

    When I arrived at my friends’ house I got some horrible news about his health, and I am doing my best to be as good a friend to him and his wife as I can be. When he woke up this morning we went for a walk and I talked to him about everything, including his feelings and intentions. He will not know a course of treatment until he speaks to his doctors tomorrow, but he has a very positive attitude which is important.

    To top everything off, my wife called me in a panic after our American puppy (HRF Duchess of Mischief) was viciously attacked by a large dog who had gotten away from his owner. We spent quite some time talking because she was in a state, but she did everything right and handled it perfectly, and I told her how proud I was of her. It is fine to fall apart after dealing with a situation; falling apart during an incident is where we fail.

    I am sure I gained seven pounds yesterday, but it is what it is. I will do better today.

    Have a great day folks!