Losing a part of me

Category: Anxiety

  • Day 1105

    My weight is not cooperating, but it seldom does when I am under the weather. At least I got a good night sleep at last. I woke up in the middle of the night once or twice and was afraid I would not be able to fall back asleep, but I did. Here’s hoping that I can stay reasonably true to my game plan today.

    Whatever I may be sick with is still with me, but it is neither better nor worse than it was the last couple of days. If it does not get worse then I’m not worried about getting through the day.

    The weather is not pretty. While the temperature is reasonable, the wind is wild so the windchill is not pleasant. Princess Sophie and I made it almost to the end of the block before turning back. She does not like the howling winds. She hates wet and precipitation as well, so combining the two meant it was going to be a short walk. At least she did all of her business before we turned back.

    Today is Day 3 of my class. I am pretty much on schedule, and I hope the students are enjoying it. I did get a bit of good news from a student I taught last year – he passed one of his exams yesterday and thanked me for the class. That always makes me feel good.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1096

    Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) sucks.

    Yesterday was the first day of the cease fire in Gaza, and the first innocent hostages were traded for 30x their numbers in violent terrorist murdering scum. We do everything we have to in order to bring our people home… at almost any cost.

    That was what was mostly on my mind as I walked up to the bakery counter at Fortino’s yesterday afternoon. It just so happens that as I approached the counter, the kid serving (probably in his mid-teens) was talking about the bagpipes. I made a funny quip about ear plugs. He looked at me and started telling me how they are the only musical instrument specifically designed to be used in war (which I knew). He then started saying: “Can you imagine being in a war, and going into battle to face the enemy…’ I stopped him and said that I really could, but that he couldn’t and hopefully never would.

    I walked away with my bread but felt the need to go back and tell him that I was sorry for being rude. He told me I wasn’t and that he shouldn’t speak about certain things. I told him that he did nothing wrong and that he should not change at all.

    The fact that he did nothing wrong does not change the fact that I freaked out. I pictured it, and I was right back there. My heart was racing and there was nothing I could do to calm it down… none of my usual techniques worked. I sat in my car for fifteen minutes until my phone buzzed reminding me that someone I was meant to meet so that I could give him something was at my door. I told him I was on my way, and I was home in four minutes.

    I overate last night. I also drank. I felt bad doing it, but I did not know what else to do. I was shaking all evening until I finally got to sleep. Yes, I had nightmares. It was not a good night.

    I knew that my weight would be up this morning… I never expected that it would be up slightly over three pounds. I kicked myself for the transgression… but at the same time I know that it was literally a ‘mental health falling off the cliff’ occurrence. I hope to do better today.

    Well somehow I forgot to post this, but it was almost done. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1093

    I had a busy day and nearly forgot to post. Here I am. I started the day upset because I ate well yesterday but still gained a pound this morning. I have to remember… it’s the trend and not points on a graph.

  • Day 1081

    My sleep score last night was an 85, the second highest it has been since my hip started to cause me problems. I should mention that there was one night that I did not wear my fitness watch to bed, which is odd for me, but I just forgot to put it on after I got out of the shower. In any event, I feel well rested this morning. I also feel for the first time in a week that there is marked improvement to my hip; to be clear, the improvement has nothing to do with pain medicines (although they have helped keep me somewhat sane). No, I felt real improvement before I got out of bed, which means before I took my pill. I am relieved that it seems to be on the mend. I have been extremely unhappy these last few days, even snapping at people who did not deserve it. I will apologize to them both. Now let’s hope and pray than my hip and leg continue to improve!

    What has not been improving is my weight. I have gained a tremendous amount of weight this past week, partly due to stress-eating to try to relieve the pain. That never works of course, but gaining weight does. My weight this morning is a disgusting amount over the terrible mark. I need to get back on track. Hopefully the lessening of my pain will help with that. I need to get down to a reasonable weight, and that will need to start with depriving myself of certain things. Hopefully by mid-week I will be able to exercise again, but until that is the case I cannot touch another carbohydrate, starting now.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1075

    I am still trying to get back on track. I will get there, but for now I am about where I have been for the last six months… trying to get back down below that terrible mark. Sigh. The stresses of my life right now are almost beyond my limits, but I will endure. It is just not easy.

  • Day 1069

    My wife had very good advice for me today. She told me that I am stressing so much because of the holidays, and it might not be a bad idea to take a break from my diet (which has not been working anyways) until after New Years. That is not to say that I should go nuts and eat everything, but trying to stick to the severe plan has not only been failing, but it has also been causing me stress and anxiety. Thanks Leslie!

    Tonight is Christmas Eve, and it is not a holiday for me, but I miss being with my family. I bought a nice veal steak for dinner which I will prepare later on.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1066

    The last couple of days I have not been doing very well, but I am trying to pick myself up and get back on track. It is hard… especially around the holidays. I wish I was with my wife. She and I got amazing news this week, but that is for the future, and we are still apart this holiday season.

    I am going to see a buddy early this afternoon for a cigar and a chat. Hopefully that will cheer me up some.

  • Day 1059

    It was a much earlier morning than I would usually experience on a Saturday. I got up to pee at 5:30am and could not fall back asleep. I had a couple of things on my mind, one of which was the welfare of a friend who is quite elderly who I usually get a response from pretty quickly but who failed to reply to my messages yesterday. When I finally decided that I was going to get out of bed, I found a message from him on my phone which was a relief. That did not change the fact that I was up and at ‘em much earlier than I necessarily needed to be. I took this as a sign that I should go down to the USA this morning to mail my stuff… and I am going to try to meet a couple of friends for breakfast in Grimsby.

    My steps-goal streak was extended to fourteen days yesterday. I hopped onto the treadmill mid-afternoon and jogged 3km then slowed to a brisk walk for another 3km. There were a few distractions I was facing – all in my head – that had me stop between kilometres, but never for more than 30 seconds or so. I would prefer to be able to go right through (as I did earlier in the week) but 6km with a few short breaks is better than nothing. After I came in to get ready for bed, I realized that I was still short about 1200 steps for the day, and so I got onto the treadmill and walked at a reasonable non-exercise pace and knocked off the last bit. With my strategic planning I knew I needed to hit 11,070 steps on the day. As I ended up getting up to check on something before I fell asleep, I ended the day with 11,132 steps. The goal for today is 11,090. When I get back from my daytrip I will get onto the treadmill and get as near to that goal as possible so that when I go out to the brewery this evening I will not be pressured.

    My sleep score was lower than it likely would have been had I fallen back asleep, but knowing that I only slept six hours I am pleased with the 76. My body battery was up to 93 this morning which is also quite a success. My weight, after two days up (a combined 1.6 lbs.), is down again this morning (by 1.2 lbs.) so I am still under the terrible mark, but I have to be vigilant to put more distance between me and that point before the Christmas dinners start. Of course, I do not know what is on the menu for this evening – whether it is finger foods or an actual meal – so I will plan for it by bringing a meal replacement bar… just in case whatever is served should be incompatible with either my weight loss or religious dietary needs.

    It is another very cold morning in Burlington, Ontario. While the temperature should rise briefly to 0° this afternoon, when I took Princess Sophie out this morning the mercury read -12°… not taking the dreaded windchill into account. Looking at the long-range forecast, today is the last bone-chillingly cold day for the week, with high temperatures ranging from 1° to 9° until it finally drops back below freezing next Saturday. Keeping in mind that it is mid-December in Canada, I am not going to complain!

    I guess I should hit the road so that I can get there and back in a reasonable timeframe. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1052

    I had a very difficult day yesterday. I broke down and bought chicken and vegetables and ate a late lunch (or early dinner). To be clear, I do not believe that I overate. I am also proud of myself that despite my intense desire to do so, I did not buy any bread. As bad as the day was, it could have been a lot worse. I also ran on the treadmill for 3.5km – the first run in nearly a year. I slept poorly, and did gain a bit of weight this morning. Stress and anxiety are real killers for weight loss.

    This morning I am going for breakfast with some of the people from the lodge. As the lodge is currently the primary source of my stress and anxiety, I am not sure how breakfast will go. We will see. After breakfast I will be meeting a couple of friends for cigars, and then I will come home. Eduardo is coming over in the afternoon.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 930

    Thank G-d my weight dropped below that horrible number this morning. I will eat as I did yesterday, which is to say that I will have lunch, and then in the evening I will have a meal replacement.

    My knee is feeling somewhat better than it was a couple of days ago. I am still in pain, but not the debilitating pain that I was in a couple of days ago. I have cut the meds to one pill three times per day instead of two pills. I am also using the Voltaren cream pretty liberally, but not as often as it was. I will ice it this evening as well.

    I am stressed about the class I am delivering tomorrow. I think I am as prepared as I am ever going to be… but I really wish I had not agreed to teach it. My goal for today is to not eat my stress and anxiety.

    Have a great day folks!