Losing a part of me

Category: Anxiety

  • Day 655

    I flew back to Canada last night. I probably ate a little more than I should have, what with a (very) late lunch in the Business Class Lounge, and then the kosher dinner on the airplane. I arrived home after midnight dejected and depressed, but also feeling bloated. The last couple of days have not gone well for me at all. I am not going to go into any detail.

    I did not expect to see so significant a weight gain this morning as I did, but I suppose the overeating yesterday, coupled with the stress and anxiety (including the travel) and I should not be surprised to see a 3.5 lb. jump from Saturday morning. I am now 8 lbs. heavier than my best weight ever. I need to get back on track, but this week and next the prospect of exercise is next to none.

    As I had planned I went shopping at lunch and picked up provisions for the week, and because I would not have time to shop and prepare then eat lunch I decided to buy a sushi plate from the prepared food counter. It was good but I was not really into it. I did need the calories though, otherwise there was no way I was going to make it through the day. I will make chicken for dinner that I will eat between classes. It’s going to be two weeks of very long days. We’ll see how I handle it.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 654

    Life is not good. I will continue to pray that I can make the changes that I need to. More tomorrow. Flying back to Canada now.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 629

    I am having a terrible time with what is going on in Israel. I have been trying these last few days to get what is called an ‘Order 8’ which would allow me to get onto an airplane and deploy, but I am having no luck. Most of my friends (and especially my wife) are happy about that. I feel as useless as I ever have. It has caused me to lose sleep, as well as cheat on my program. It is so frustrating that for the first time in twenty-five years my uniform fits… and they will not let me put it on. I just have to keep myself from falling off to the point that I no longer fit into it.

    My weight dropped another pound this morning. I am now 1.6 lbs. heavier than I was Saturday morning before I fell hard for two days. I will continue to try to get back on track with my program; I am flying to Dallas in eleven days and by then I want to be under 240 lbs., which should be achievable by early next week.

    Yesterday I ate only slightly better than the day before, which is to say that I had the same two omelettes and the same bag of chips, but instead of the turkey drumstick I had a shake. Today I will try to do the single omelette and three shakes. I will try my best.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 604

    Shana Tova uMevurechet! May you be inscribed in the Book of Life. Last night as I lit the candles with my wife (over video unfortunately) I said prayers for so many people as I do every Sabbath. I wonder then why I do not say prayers to give Leslie and me strength to continue to succeed with our weight loss journeys. I know that this week I really could use all the help I can get.

    I wrote yesterday that I had a terrible day the previous day. The stress and anxiety of the root cause of it was nearly overwhelming yesterday. I cannot remember any day in my professional life where I felt more anxious, and it took a terrible toll. At the end of my class, after I took Her Floofness out for her walk, I was still shaking. I spoke with Leslie and told her that I was going to do one of two things: I was going to eat, or I was going to drink. I knew that if I started to drink that it would have been very bad… I would not have stopped until I passed out. She agreed that knowing the day that I had I should probably eat.

    I went to the supermarket and bought chicken, broccoli, and (stupidly) a bag of mini crisps. I came home and I prepared my meal (freezing half of the chicken so that I was not tempted to eat it again tonight). I steamed the broccoli. I enjoyed my meal; while I did feel guilty about it afterwards, I also feel that it was a necessary step.

    My body must have agreed… once again, while I did not lose weight this morning, I also did not gain any weight.

    My body and mind are exhausted from the week, even after what I think was a pretty decent night sleep. I am on the fence about going out for a long walk today, but it is probably what I should do. When my diet buddy asked me how I was going to make up for cheating on Thursday I told her that is what I would do. I did not tell her that I would be cheating on Friday as well.

    I do not know why but I walked away from this article for a few minutes… six hours ago. I did not go for a walk, but I also did not spend the entire day watching TV and smoking cigars on the balcony. I have been working on something at my desk. I have not eaten, although I realized that I put the remaining chicken into the Fridge and not the freezer, so I am going to cook it for dinner, so it does not go to waste. I have some broccoli left that I will steam to go with it. For some reason I have gotten to this point (5:45pm) only eating my omelette this morning, so the chicken will be taking the place of all three meal replacements. I can live with that without feeling guilty. I am also glad I realized this early enough so that dinner will be by 6:30pm, and not later.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 603

    I had a terrible day yesterday… and not only because of the bathroom scale. It was professionally a crappy day that was made worse by something that Leslie is going through as well. I cracked. For the first time in more than two weeks I fell off the program. Not only did I have some peanuts, but I also came home from picking up my prescriptions and made another omelette… and it was 9:00pm which means not only did I eat what I should not have, but I also ate when I should not have.

    By the grace of something I did not gain any weight this morning. I did not lose any weight either, but I am quite relieved that is stayed the same. I will try to do better today. I have nearly seven more hours of teaching before this dreaded class is over and I can turn off and prepare to light the candles to welcome the Sabbath… and the New Year. I swear I will not let professional petty garbage prevent me from decompressing and relaxing this evening and this weekend.

    Whether or not I buy a challah, or apples and honey, or anything else that might remind me it is a holy day, and which would help me to forget this dumpster fire… that is still to be determined.

    Have a great day folks… and Shana Tova uMevurechet uMetukah to all my Jewish readers.

  • Day 575

    I was terrible yesterday… or at least I cheated and had to pay the price for it this morning. I could not ignore my hunger in the late afternoon, and I went down to my car to get the rest of the peanuts I had purchased the previous day. I left them in the car for precisely the reason that I did not want them around me; they may have been out of sight, but they were not out of mind. They did not satisfy me, so I prepared for myself another omelette.

    I told Leslie later on that I was disgusted with myself. How is it that I can have such utter lack of discipline and control? Yes, there are a number of things in the house that would have been worse for me, but I have to be able to focus and stay on course. She did her best to cheer me up, but I went to bed angry with myself.

    I woke up this morning another .4 lbs. heavier than I was yesterday morning.

    I am going the wrong way. I need to focus, stay mindful, and fight these cravings! I need to remember that the brief satisfaction will lead to emotional distress, not to mention the fact that it is no way to lose weight.

    I will try to do better today. I will do better today.

  • Day 560

    I was not as successful with my plans yesterday evening as I had hoped. I stupidly bought two boxes of breakfast cereal when I went to the supermarket the other day, thinking that it could be a nice occasional morning treat that I could keep around for when I did not feel like preparing an omelette. Over the last few days I have nearly finished both boxes of it, and decided in the middle of this sentence to throw out what was left. Really, I stopped typing where I was, went to the kitchen, and poured the remainder of the box into the garbage bag.

    Other than the cereal, I ate pretty well yesterday. Unfortunately it does not take very much to throw off a good day. While my weight was only up by .2 lb. this morning, I would much rather have seen it drop by that amount (or more). I have to continue remembering that hope is not a strategy.

    For those wondering how or why I fell off yesterday, I had a lot of anxiety over something that happened during my daytime class – right at the end of class too, so it was fresh when I stood up to stretch my legs. I have to stay mindful and vigilant and not let myself go like that! I will try harder today.

    The class that I am sitting was supposed to be a 4-day class, but it was shortened to three days, which means I have tomorrow off (until I teach in the evening). Weather permitting I will go out for a jog and walk and redouble my efforts to get back on track. I will also work on my final presentation for the cigar sommelier course that I have been doing; I will be presenting it Monday, and I want to make sure I do the best job that I can!

    As for today, I am not teaching this evening… but that does not mean I have to eat. I will eat a reasonable dinner, and then after I take Her Royal Floofness for a walk, I will spend the evening on the balcony, chatting with my wife and smoking cigars. I might even pour myself a drink, depending on how I feel.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 559

    I have to remember that when I have a large meal at night it will have a very different effect from having it at lunch. Of course, I did not have the option of a large lunch yesterday because I did not have any food in the house, and my main meal was prepared after class… and after walking the dog… and after shopping. The result? I ended up gaining back 1.6 lbs. of the pounds I had dropped yesterday morning.

    I am still not fully back on track, but I want to keep pushing for it. It did not help that last night I forgot to turn on the dishwasher, which meant that this morning as I was preparing my lunch (which I prepare during the class’s morning break, and then will turn on to cook 30-40 minutes before lunchtime) I had to prepare my chicken in a baking pan instead of my regular (and healthier) air fryer. Drat. I will also forego the potatoes I have been having of late and simply prepare a side salad.

    The class I am attending is now done, and I have a few minutes before the class I am to teach is to begin. I think I will prepare a meal replacement shake and try to calm down. I am wound up and my anxiety is going through the roof. I am not entirely sure why… but I am not turning to food to calm my nerves.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 526

    I saw my doctor this morning and she is a nice woman. We talked about what my situation is and she is extremely proud of my weight loss progress. While I have gained nearly 5kg since my last weigh-in, I was certain that would be higher so I am relieved. I am in a really crappy mood this morning – everyone wants a piece of me, so I have to prioritize. I am also not able to eat because of my schedule. I will eat when my friend goes home.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 461

    I did not enjoy high school drama when I was in high school. I certainly do not enjoy it as an adult. I honestly thought that with no family coming to our wedding there would be none of the bull poop that often comes with it. Yesterday afternoon I was reminded that I was optimistic in that thinking. I am not going to lie and say that it did not cause me to eat something I should not have eaten, but it is done, and I am looking ahead to a better day today.

    I had a good jog on the treadmill yesterday. I was not wrong, the audiobook I had been listening to had not been holding my interest, and likely contributed to my getting bored and stopping when I did. The new book that I am listening to now is much more gripping (I have been on a Leon Uris and Herman Wouk kick of late, especially the novels about the Holocaust (Mila 18) and the formation of the State of Israel (Mitla Pass, The Haj, Exodus, The Hope). I had never heard of The Hope (and the sequel The Glory), but so far it is very gripping. Whether that was the reason I did so well on the treadmill yesterday, or if it was just because I was energized (which my Body Battery would speak against), I don’t know… but for the first time I set the treadmill’s pace to a 12-minute mile in the first few minutes of my jogging, and I kept it there for the entire workout.

    Jogging (Treadmill)

    • Distance: 8.12km (5.05km)
    • Duration: 54:17 (35:41)
    • pb Average Pace (Min/km): 6m41s (7m15s)
    • Steps: 8,400 (5,712)
    • Calories burned: 1,034 (600)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 154 (160)

    There are a number of issues that I should address about my jogging which might cause a bit of confusion for many if not most of my readers:

    1. I spend a lot of time going back and forth between the imperial system (miles) and the metric system (kilometres). I great up in Canada during the era where we were transitioning from the former system to the latter, so I learned both. I also spent as a child (as I still do today) a lot of time in the United States, a country that never made that transition, which included a lot of road trips during which I had very little to entertain me other than the world around me. I learned at an early age to do the conversion from one to the other in my head (100km=62.5mi, which means that 1km=.625mi, thus 5km=3.125mi). While all of my devices are set to the metric system, the treadmills that I use (both at my gym in Canada, and at the gym at Leslie’s apartment complex in Texas) are set to the imperial system. I have a system in my head for how far I am going to try to push myself which would be difficult to explain, but basically revolves around round numbers… either miles or kilometres.
    2. With regard to temperatures, I also vacillate between Fahrenheit and Celsius. I almost always do this based on which country I am in, so when I am in Canada and I type that it is 10° outside that denotes degrees Celsius; when I am in the USA and I type 60° that denotes degrees Fahrenheit.
    3. I use two devices to measure my running: my iPhone (using an app called MapMyFitness) and my Garmin smartwatch (using the Garmin Connect app). The two apps communicate with each other, and if I look at the MapMyFitness dashboard after logging an activity, it will show up twice. I delete one of them, lest it look like I have run 20km in a day when I only ran 10km. With that said, the two show very different results sometimes, especially on the treadmill. Yesterday’s outing, for example, registered 7km on the fitness watch, but 8.12km on the phone. When running on the street, I almost always trust the watch because Garmin’s origins are GPS. On the treadmill, despite my trying to calibrate the watch, I think I trust the phone more.
    4. Whether stationary or mobile, running or walking, the discrepancy between the two devices for the number of calories burned during a workout is always huge. There are times when I will record the steps and distance from one device, but the calories burned from the other.

    With regard to activity, I am currently on a steps goal streak of fifteen days, and I plan to extend that today. I noticed that Garmin has started increasing my step goal, which had been steady at 8,560 for the longest time. On Sunday my goal adjusted to 8,930, yesterday it jumped to 10,730, and today it is now at 11,490. I suppose this is how it was supposed to be all along, adjusting my goal based on the last few days (or weeks) to make me strive to keep doing better. I will smash through that 11,490 goal for today, but I will also keep an eye on it going forward… we will get to a time when that goal will not be so easy to beat every day. That time is not today though. I am on the fence whether I am going to jog outside or go to the gym today, but I will probably put on my long pants and shirt and run outside. It is sunny but a cool 7° outside, which is comfortable as long as I am dressed properly, and it is not too windy. I think I will chance it! In the evening I will go to Taekwondo, which will be my last class until after I am back from Dallas. I am taking a dobok with me and will try to practice. The good thing about being at my level is that I do not really need to go to the gym to practice my patterns!

    My plan for today is to try to stay on track. While my meal was not cheating yesterday, the snacking was. Yes, it was emotional stress eating, and no, I cannot let that continue. By being mindful of it I can make sure it does not happen again.

    Have a great day folks!