I did not gain or lose any weight this morning. I was a little disappointed, but I know that I did not overeat yesterday, and that the weight loss will be reflected… maybe tomorrow.
I am still trying to shake the funk that I’ve been in. At least Leslie and I are good.
Have a great day folks!
I woke up to a very difficult and disturbing phone call from a very close friend this morning. I am saddened by what he told me and will do everything that I can to help him.
My weight was down this morning, but not significantly. I was hoping for more, but down is better than up. Hopefully by the weekend I will be down below the dreaded 290 lbs. mark again.
Have a great day folks!
I was disgusted to see my weight jump nearly three pounds yesterday morning, bringing it above 290 lbs. I spent the day with my godchildren and their parents, and that included some food… but not as much as it might have been. Fortunately, this morning my weight dropped a full two pounds, so not back to what I weighed Saturday, but much better than yesterday. My goal for today is to make it another good day and lose more weight tomorrow.
As I prepared to hit publish on today’s article, I realized that I had completely messed up the numbers. Yesterday, for some reason, I published my three-word article as Day 897, which it was not – that’s today. I did so on my phone, so when I sat at my computer to write today’s article, I opened my Word document and kecked the numbers… instead of Day 896, I typed in Day 869. As I looked at that, I then knew that today was Day 870. No it is not! I corrected both yesterday’s and today’s article, and can now publish the real Day 897.
Over the course of the last three days, my weight has dropped 1.4 lbs. Each day. This morning, it was back down to 285 lbs. from a high just a few days ago of 290.2, which is a relief.
I had hoped just a couple of weeks ago that by the time Leslie arrived, my weight would be at or even under 270 lbs., but then I fell… hard. If the previous weeks had not been bad enough, the three days of fireworks were a total disaster for me.
I have also started to come to terms with just how hard the war in Gaza has hit me. This is a multi-pronged issue, including the fact that I was too old to get called up, the fact that there is nothing I can do to help the hostages who are still being held captive, and the millions of protestors – ranging from useful idiots of Hamas to pure Nazis who hate Jews and hate Israel, but who know it is usually impolitic to express those opinions – who are calling for the annihilation of my country and of my people. It has been killing me, but it was not until Leslie told me that she understands the pain that I am in. Since she got here yesterday afternoon, I have broken down in tears over it a few times… something that I am not comfortable doing in front of anyone else.
We went out for breakfast this morning, and then I prepared a late lunch for us… knowing that I am going to be teaching until 9:00pm, which means that we cannot have dinner until then. I do not expect that my weight will be down tomorrow, but then at no point did I expect that I would be losing weight during Leslie’s visit.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and some friends are throwing a barbecue party for me, and for the other Mitchell who is a member of our Lodge. It should be fun! I look forward to seeing them all (and the wives and girlfriends), and to introducing Leslie to them. Having learned from the previous barbecue that I attended, I volunteered to bring the hotdogs. That way I know that they are all-beef, and that Leslie and I can eat them. We also bought chips and coleslaw, as well as a new lawn/balcony chair (one of my older ones broke last month). We will bring two chairs with us, knowing that there will be a lot of people coming, and not knowing how many chairs Mitchell and his wife have!
Leslie and I had a lovely day together, and while I am now teaching (the students have a lab to do, so I can write as well) until 9:00pm. After that, we will light the candles and say our prayers, and we will enjoy a lovely meal together.
Have a great day folks!
I have gained a ridiculous amount of weight over the past twelve days. Part of that is because of my lack of self-control, but a lot of it is because of psychological issues that I am going through. I am dealing with them, but the three-day weekend of unending explosions from 8:45pm through 11:00pm did nothing to make it better. Those three days were disastrous, with a six-pound increase in my weight. Fortunately, this morning I lost a little over a pound.
Leslie arrives tomorrow and I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to seeing her.
Have a great day folks.
Yesterday went exactly as planned with regards to eating. I had my omelette and some matzah with almond butter and jam for breakfast, and then for lunch I prepared a lovely salad for Leslie and myself: sliced cherry tomatoes, cucumber, and Vidalia onion with a chicken breast chopped into it. I poured a little bit of olive oil and some balsamic vinegar into the bowl and then tossed it. Leslie crumbled some matzah on hers, but I decided not to. It was delicious. For dinner we had our Passover seder (three days late) which consisted of a bowl of chicken soup with matzah balls, a hard-boiled egg, matzah with charoset, and a roasted chicken that I seasoned with zaatar. For dessert we had a couple of macaroons. All of this was (of course) kosher for Passover, and aside from the four glasses of wine (which are required for the service) I think I did well both with content and moderation.
Around 4pm I got a call from an unknown number in Hamilton, Ontario. A young lady had found Her Royal Floofness and called the number on her necklace. It seems my buddy had let her and his (much larger) dog out into the backyard, and when she discovered a hole that a rabbit had dug under the fence, she decided to go exploring. I immediately called my buddy who went and got her (she had not gone far), and Princess Sophie was home safe and sound within a few minutes. With my heart racing a mile a minute, I decided to take a dram of scotch. I doubt anyone would fault me for that. Leslie saw me doing it and approved.
Due to my recent travel issues and other stressors, my finances are not in a good place right now. I decided yesterday afternoon to email one of my vendors who had an outstanding balance, and he apologized for the tardiness… he had been on vacation with his family, so everything was a few days late. The money was in my account this morning, and I was able to pay down my credit cards so I have a little breathing room, as well as transferring money to my Canadian bank so that I will be able to pay my rent and child support on or before May 1. Phew! I may not be the best father to my children, but I have never missed a child support payment and I never will. My policy is that I will not buy food or drink or cigars before paying that particular obligation.
On that same topic (my children) I just had a very upsetting phone call with my ex-wife. My son the younger is having a lot of issues, and we are working to get through them. I am hoping and praying that he will be okay, and I am going to do everything I can to help. I thank G-d that Theresa is such a good mother.
Okay, it is time for me to get working. Have a great day!
This morning was the first day in a week that I woke up in our apartment and not in a hotel room. I was thrilled for the good night sleep that I got, and for being able to sleep in our own bed without having to lock the door for fear of being intruded upon. I was excited that we did not have to drive back to the apartment to take Duchess for her walk and to feed her and to give her attention. Last night was thrilled to be able to teach my class in peace from the comfort of my wife’s desk. The only negative emotion that I could not shake was the horror that I would be stepping onto the bathroom scale this morning.
I did not eat well this past week, and I have not been dishonest about it. Most of my meals were decent enough, but I just snacked way too much… and in terrible quantities. I was horrified that I was going to step onto the bathroom scale this morning to see that I had gained ten pounds in a week. I also knew that if I did, then I would a) now weigh over 290 lbs. (and close enough to 295 to be worried); b) I would have gained a full 50 lbs. from my best weight ever; and c) I would be within a bad day or two of that dreaded 300 lbs. mark… the mark that I said that I would never even flirt with again. If there was one reason why I did not sleep better than I did last night, then it was that.
At the end of my bathroom rituals I stepped onto the scale with trepidation. The app was open on my phone, and I was dreading where the numbers would stop. When they did, I was shocked. Since my last weigh-in on Wednesday, my weight was down 2.8 lbs. Yes, you read that correctly. With all of the chips, nuts, fruit, and other goodies that I had overindulged on, not to mention the bagels (before Passover) for breakfast and over the past three days a lot of matzah with peanut butter and jam, and with no exercise to speak of (save for walking Duchess)… my weight had dropped nearly three pounds in the week. I weighed less this morning than I have since I got here… and for three days before that
I cannot see this as a sign that I can be complacent. Everything that I have said over the last few days will stand. When Ryan starts on his program in May I am going to do it with him… at least for a few weeks. I am going to try to be more mindful than I have been. I am going to do my best to not let stress and anxiety make me drop my guard and eat more than I should. I am going to continue to weigh myself daily and journal daily and make sure that when I do have a bad day that I make things right over the next few days.
I may have gotten a reprieve this past week (which my wife says is probably due to the enormous amount of stress), but that does not mean that I am happy with where I am. Most of my pants do not fit, and when I look at myself in the mirror, I can see that I am a fat man. I do not mean this based on the psychological perception… I mean that I see that I am fat and too damned big. At my absolute lowest weight I was just under 240 lbs. and now I am 282, which means I am nearly 45 lbs. heavier than I was seven months ago. It is time to be done with that and to get back to where I was then. I will continue to journal, but not just about ‘this is what I did yesterday’ or ‘I don’t have anything to write.’ I will use this journal to do what it was meant to from the very beginning… to hold myself accountable.
Have a great day folks!
I lost nearly a pound from yesterday, despite some stresses that I will not go into. Yes, I ate more than I should have. I even had a glass of wine with my friend in the evening. Still and all, yesterday was not nearly as bad as the previous day… except for one thing which I will not go into. I am doing my level best to put that stress and anxiety aside until the weekend. I will try to deal with it either Friday evening or Saturday, but I do not want to take it with me to Cuba.
My weight drop this morning took me back below that abhorrent 280 lbs. mark that I peaked above yesterday. I cannot believe that after all of the work that I did over two years, one terrible, horrible, disastrous occurrence in my life has thus far caused me to gain back forty pounds. I have to get back on track. Ten days in Havana will be the beginning of that; the week that I am back I am going to try to get back onto my extreme program for at least a few days. We’ll see if I can do it. In the meantime, I have to just stop eating so much, and I have to stop making such bad choices. I hope that can stop right now.
If you are wondering how screwed up I am… I accidentally (and irretrievably) wiped out two hard drives in one of my main systems, which means that when I am back from Cuba, I will have a lot of work to do to recover from. I am trying to start now… but wow, did this screw me up.
Have a great day folks!
My life is no better today than it was yesterday. It is still a complete and total disaster from which I see no way out and no way forward. Still, I have to go forward. Aside from the fact that my religion forbids any form of self-harm, there are people who love me and care for me. I have to remember that. There are people who know that I would never hurt the people that I love, and that I would in fact go to the furthest extremes to protect them. So I move forward, and I try to continue to do my best to not give up the progress that I have made through nearly two years of hard work… even as I see that I am losing those which are most dear to me.
One of the ways I encourage myself to keep going is with numbers. I have been trying to weight for six hundred and sixty-one days, and when I need the push, I look at the numbers. I am in the worst place I have been emotionally in many years, and so I decided to turn to my numbers for at least some encouragement.
![clip_image002[8]](https://losingapartof.me/wp-content/uploads/2023/11/clip_image0028.jpg "clip_image002[8]")
This graph represents my weight every day since September 30 (excepting the 26-29 of October, and November 5). The yellow line represents my lowest weight ever – 238.6 lbs. on October 18. The red line is my highest weight in the forty-three-day period that I selected (249.4 lbs., this past Wednesday). The green line represents my weight today (243.4 lbs.). The vertical black line is the day my world fell apart. I had a bad slip for a few days… what with the pizza dinner splurge Friday night, my life crashing down on me destroying everything on Saturday, and then the travel day on Sunday. With all of that, knowing even that I had gained a full eleven pounds from my best weight by Wednesday, but have been able to reign that back in and get back on track. This morning my weight is less than half a pound up from that terrible day… even though every day since has been even worse. I am now less than 5 lbs. from getting back to my best weight ever.
I am still not sleeping well. Admittedly, I did do a little better last night than any of the previous seven, but that is probably owing to the sheer physical and emotional exhaustion finally catching up to me. According to my fitness watch, my sleep score was only a 49/100. My body battery was an abysmal 31/100 when I woke up, and at 11:15am it is down to a 26. There were a number of times that Leslie offered to give me a few of the pills she has to help her sleep, but I refused. I know I was right to, but I am still kicking myself that I do not have anything in the house (aside from copious amounts of scotch) that would help me to rest.
It was good to see my friends yesterday. They are the first to know what is going on and how I feel. I do not know if or when I am going to start talking about it… but it is not today. Today will be spent trying to help a friend with his computer that seems to have died so I will go over and try to salvage everything he has lost. In the evening I am tutoring one of my students who needs extra help, and who seems to have started my class behind the eight ball because her instructor for the previous class (which is a pre-requisite for this class) seems to have taught way too fast and using way too much jargon for anyone, but especially for a non-native English speaker to understand. I promised I would help, and I will help. Hopefully in doing so I will be able to keep my mind off the fact that I really have no interest in living anymore.
One day at a time.
My weight dropped another few ounces this morning. I can assure you that it is not because I did much different yesterday. It is certainly not because I am feeling any better about myself, and I know that I did not get any significant exercise in yesterday. I am as emotionally down as I could be, and I have not fallen off the wagon, I have not crawled into a bottle, and I have not harmed myself. I have not only taken care of my responsibilities, and my students seem to be happy and do not notice anything wrong. It is emotionally exhausting to put on the happy face, but I am getting through the day. What will happen tomorrow when I am not working? I don’t know.
