Losing a part of me

Category: body

  • Day 1271

    I do not remember at what point I stopped updating my offline journal – that is, the one large document that included all of the posts from my online blog – but it occurs to me that I should seriously think about going back and updating it. I do not really want to see a lot of the worst of my entries from the deepest times of despair, but I suppose I can just copy-and-paste without reading them. We will see. That will not happen before Thursday – today is my last complete day to study for my exam which is at 1:00pm tomorrow afternoon, so my main focus until after the exam will be that. Wednesday I will be at a provincial Grand Lodge event, which takes us to Thursday.

    I should mention that I did resume updating my weight tracking spreadsheet from my bathroom scale. That is much easier to do, and does not involve going to each individual day to cop-paste. All I needed to do was to expert all data from the scale since the beginning of April and then copy-paste that into my spreadsheet.

    The new shirts and jacket that I ordered are out for delivery according to FedEx, and I will have them in time for my event on Wednesday. That is a relief. While I do have a suit that I can wear, it is tight and I will feel more comfortable wearing something that is tailored to my size. The disturbing truth is that from the day the tailor measured me for these new clothes I gained over ten pounds… that is just over a month ago. Fortunately I have these last five days lost all of that. Phew! As terrible as I feel that I needed to have bigger clothes made, that would have been amplified had they now been tight.

    Yes, today is Day 5, and according to the bathroom scale I have dropped a little over ten pounds. I am pleased but far from satisfied. I have a long way to go, as I said yesterday, until I am anywhere near satisfied. Maybe ‘satisfied with my progress so far’ is a better way to write that.

    I need to start exercising in order to make sure I continue to not only lose weight, but also to ensure I get back into shape. My doctor will tell you that I am in great shape for a man a fucking overweight as I am (she would not use those exact words), but that is not good enough for me. I would like to run a marathon next year. Before I do that, I need to start walking again before I can start jogging again. I am going to wait a couple of weeks before jogging for a number of reasons, but as for walking I might start as early as Thursday, depending on the weather. Yes, I have a treadmill… but if the weather is nice I would much rather begin my journey again in the fresh air.

    My sleep score last night was equal to the previous night. I suspect that if I was not drinking what amounts to a small swimming pool every day it might be a bit higher… but alas, I am going to continue to drink as much water as I can. Water is great for the body, but it is also a big contributor to weight loss… even if it did not help to fill my occasionally hungry stomach. I only woke up three times to pee in the night last night which is a 25% improvement over the two previous nights.

    I did finally move my bowels yesterday which was a relief (no pun intended). I neglected to add fibre to my morning meal replacement, but will make a point of doing so this afternoon.

    Owing to something I needed to get done for a buddy yesterday, I was not as productive as I would have liked to be. I did get some studying done… but not as much as I hoped to. Today there will be no disturbances, and that is what I am going to do.

    There are so many things I probably should do with regard to tracking my renewed weight loss efforts, but I am not ready to do that yet. I know that my Body Mass Index (BMI) is a disgusting 42.6, up twelve points from my best ever in October 2023. I have to assume that means that I would again be classified as morbidly obese, but looking to see at what point I would drop out of that… I am not ready for that. I know that I need to set short, medium, and long-term goals for myself, but for the time being I just want to follow the program like an automaton. I will drink my meal replacements and do nothing more other than journal about my emotions.

    The friend who came over yesterday is one of two who has gone through the same medically supervised program that I did. He understands a lot of what I am going through. He and his wife went through it and they lost a lot of weight. It is good to have people that I can speak with who have been there.

    My only plans to go out today are to go to the store to pick up milk for my coffee. Other than that, I expect I will migrate between my desk and my balcony, studying either inside or outside. I will continue to try stabilizing the timing of my meal replacements, which might be easier today at home than tomorrow (when I have my exam) and Wednesday (when I will likely be in Toronto for the day). Speaking of which, I had better remember to bring my meal replacements with me if I go to Toronto… I do not want to be caught having to break the program as I am still trying to make it a habit… and while I am doing so well.

    While I have felt hunger at times, I suspect that yesterday was the first day that I did not consider the program (which is by any measure extreme) a hardship. I was able to get through it without a great deal of difficulty. There have been times these last few days when cigars have helped to distract me from my hunger, and I will continue to use them as a tool. I was going to use the word crutch but no, it is not a crutch. I am not leaning on them, rather I am using them to bridge the hunger meal replacements, much as a snack might bridge the hunger between meals.

    I have said before that forcing a happy face when one is down can be a way to actually induce the happiness eventually. I am trying to put on that positive and happy air these days, and I hope that after tomorrow’s exam I might start to feel it. Until then? The exam and its implications are all consuming.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1270

    As I had the previous day, I stuck to my program religiously yesterday… with the (again) pinch of grated cheese that I nibbled as I was giving Princess Sophie hers. In fact, owing to a weird schedule and a possibly failing memory, it is possible that I ingested even less than I am supposed to – I might have only had three meal replacements rather than the four that are medically recommended. I have made a note to try to do better both with remembering and with the consistency of timing so that I make sure I do get all of the vitamins and nutrients that I need to be healthy.

    In addition to those, I had my coffee (as usual) and, as I was sitting on the balcony studying (and because it was 36° and sunny) I decided to pour myself a cold iced tea. I sweetened it with aspartame rather than the raw sugar that I use for my coffee, and I do not think that would be considered a cheat.

    I also drank my water. Folks, it is much easier to remember to drink copious amounts of water when the weather is scorching than it is in the winter. I am easily going through at least four litres of water a day, and probably more than that.

    Remember my plan from yesterday morning? I had gotten up to pee however many times the previous night, and so I was going to try to make a note to stop drinking after 8pm? That did not happen… I studied on the balcony until nearly 9:30pm, and then sat there watching TV on my iPad. It was still hot, so I kept drinking water to stay hydrated. When I went into the house to get ready for bed I counted the empty water bottles next to the sink… between the time I finished my evening meal replacement (around 7:30pm) and the time I went to bed I drank a little over 1.5l (54oz) of water. The result? I peed three times between coming into the house and going to sleep, and I got up from sleep another four times. Will I never learn?

    Despite that, my sleep was much better than the previous night. My sleep score was 79, up from 58. I’ll take it.

    Yesterday afternoon I was asked by a couple of friends to go out to a bar for the evening. I politely declined, telling them that I need to study… and in fact that is what I did. What I did not tell them is that I was on Day 3 of my program and I was not ready to spend a night at a bar surrounded by all of the temptations of food and drink. It is much easier for me to keep my resolve if I stay home alone.

    Today is Day 4, and I am remembering some of what I was going through on Day 4 on my previous attempts. It has now been two days since my last bowel movement, and so I added fibre to my meal replacement this morning. I was very sluggish on Day 1 & 2, but I think that is behind me. I remember that I was very cold from within, owing to the sheer volume of water I was drinking. Wouldn’t it be nice for that to happen while it is this hot? It hasn’t kicked in yet if it is going to… I’ll keep waiting.

    My weight has dropped drastically these last three days but that is not unusual for the first few days of the program. Wouldn’t it be nice to see that trend continue? It is unlikely. Yes, if I stick to the program, then my weight will continue to drop… but not at the tremendous rate it has fallen these three days. As it is, I have already dropped all of the weight that I gained this last month.

    This year has been a dumpster fire for so many reasons. My weight dipped below ‘that horrible mark’ only one day this year – back in January. Since then it has skyrocketed and I do not even want to say how bad it got. Suffice it to say, I want to get back below that horrible mark, and if I can do so by the end of September then I will be a happy man. No, that is not entirely true… I will be a relieved man. I will only be truly happy when I have lost every single pound that I gained back since falling off the wagon two years ago.

    Is it a coincidence that I fell off the wagon when my heart was shattered in November of 2023, and then again when it was shattered in April of 2025? I doubt it. I am the only one to blame, but it does not take a genius to recognize that the actions of others is the root cause of these falls.

    A good friend of mine has been asking for help with his computer for a couple of months, but every time we have scheduled to meet he has been called away for work at the last minute. As of this minute he is supposed to come after work today, and unless there is an incident that necessitates his working overtime then I will see him then. He is one of my friends who has gone through the medically supervised program that I did, so he will understand that no, I will not let him take me out to dinner as a thank-you, but we will be able to sit on the balcony with a cigar to chat and catch up. It will be great to talk with him because he knows what I am going through and if he cannot advise me then he can at least listen with a sympathetic ear.

    Other than the visit from my buddy, my plan is to once again study until I cannot read the words on the page for one more minute. My exam is scheduled for precisely 49.75 hours from this minute as I type, and I am nowhere near confident that I will pass. I will do everything in my power to do so, and if nothing else I will walk into the exam room confident that I have done all that I can to prepare.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1237

    Another day, another not-so-great night of sleep. I have to figure out a way to start sleeping, lest I get to the end of the week and fall asleep in the middle of my class. We definitely cannot have that happening – my reputation is at stake!

    Today was the first time in three days that I was able to move my bowels. It was not great, but at least it was something. I am sure that throughout the course of the day and possibly into tomorrow it will get a bit easier… Lord knows I have been eating enough.

    Life still sucks but I am trying to cope.

  • Day 1147

    A 500kg weight was lifted off my chest yesterday morning. The interview that I have been stressing over was for my U.S. Green Card. When the Consular Officer told me that she was approving my visa I remained calm. I thanked her and I asked the list of questions I needed to ask, and then without showing any outward emotion I walked out, collected my smart phone and watch from the locker (they make you stow any electronics before entering) and I walked out into the snowy Montreal streets.

    Considering my lack of sleep I was feeling pretty awake. I sat in my car for twenty minutes calling first my wife (she was always going to be my first call whether I was approved or not), and then one Lodge brother who I have been sharing my struggles and anxieties with. I then texted a local friend who I was hoping to have a coffee with while I was in town. I picked up bagels and then drove to his office. By noon I was driving back to where I was staying, stopping along the way to pick up a Montreal smoked meat sandwich for lunch. Yes, I ate poorly yesterday, and there is a good chance that I will not do a lot better today. Tomorrow is Wednesday and my program resumes in earnest.

    I wrote most of what is above in the morning before I hit the road, but I was not able to concentrate and so I packed up and hit the road. It was a long drive with a lot of stops, but I am now home. As I expected (and predicted in the previous paragraph) I did not eat very well today. Driving days are never good for my program. I stopped for lunch, but I then stopped for an early dinner with a friend just north of Toronto. I then made another stop to have coffee with a close friend who has been very supportive of my immigration struggles, and I wanted to tell him in person before just about anyone else.

    I do not know if it was related to the stress and anxiety of it all, but I had not had a proper bowel movement in several days. This morning that changed… and how! I was relieved (both literally and figuratively). When I arrived back home, I had another extremely successful movement, so while I know my weight will still be up tomorrow morning, it is possible that it will not be as bad as I expected it might be. I was expecting to see a five-pound jump. What will it be? Who knows. We will see in the morning.

    Speaking of tomorrow: I will be right back into the thick of it. Tomorrow and Friday I am teaching once again from 8:30am until 10:30pm, and Thursday from 8:30pm until 5:30pm. No rest for the wicked, as they say. As such, I am going to go collect my doggie, and then I am going to try to get some sleep.

    Have a great evening folks!

  • Day 1152

    Day One of my renewed efforts saw slight but not total fails. I found myself away from home for longer than I expected, and I bought a bag of potato chips. I was certain that when I weighed myself this morning I would be back up to 212 lbs.; what a relief that my weight was in fact down by a pound from yesterday, making for a total drop since Thursday morning of 4.4 pounds. Considering how disgustingly heavy I was then I am not calling this a resounding success, but at least I know that I am trying to regain my footing and begin to make progress.

    I was sitting with a Lodge brother yesterday and I told him, without going into the details of how, that I decided to drop twenty pounds before the banquet. He told me that he would encourage me and discussed his weight loss goals as well. I was glad that he did not try to discuss his strategy and did not ask me about mine. I really do not feel like discussing my plans for how I will do it but am happy to have the support of people who are encouraging me to do it.

    I also had a lovely video chat with my wife yesterday. It is hard living so far apart, and I am glad that technology allows us to not only talk but to see each other as well. I cannot imagine how much more difficult a long-distance relationship would have been before the era of video chats, let alone reasonable phone calls. I dated a girl when I was in the Army, and she lived in the United States. I cannot imagine how much money we wasted on long-distance calls… before she came to Israel to see me, and we both realized that it was a mistake. My marriage to Leslie is absolutely the right thing, but I am still glad that we do not have to pay thousands of dollars on phone bills!

    I did not sleep very well last night, and it was in large part because of my shoulder which has been bothering me. I spoke with a Lodge brother who is a chiropractor, and he is going to help me out, but first I have to have a day when I can go to his office. That will not be for a couple of weeks yet, and so I am thinking about taking a couple of pain killers in the evening before I go to sleep. I am hoping that helps, but we will see. If not, then I will stop taking them and I will try something else. In the meantime, my sleep score of 63 from last night does not bode well for how this day will go; I will be teaching from 8:30am until 5:00pm, and then from 6:30pm until 10:30pm. It is going to be a very long day… and I have three of those this week, while Tuesday and Thursday I am only teaching the daytime class.

    I said last week that I was hoping the packed schedule would help me with my eating, but it did not… if one can go to the grocery store to buy provisions, one can eat; also, once one is at the grocery store already then it is easy to just buy a couple of things that are counterproductive to weight loss. Knowing that I will not be shopping this week, but will be relying solely on meal replacements, is going to be most helpful. I am still weaning myself off food and will likely have my last plate of pasta for lunch today. Okay, I actually have plenty of pasta in the house, but only one meal worth of pasta sauce, so that should do it. I am giving myself this option because I know that the first few days of the program are extremely difficult, both emotionally and physically, and so if I find myself lagging in class this morning then I will give myself the option. I will not absolutely eat, but if I need it then I shall. I also know that if I do not eat it for lunch, but after a long day of teaching I feel I might need it to make it through the evening of teaching then I will have it between classes. It is a safety net if nothing else.

    So far this morning I am doing well on water and coffee, and I did remember to add fibre to my morning meal replacement. Also, in anticipation of a resounding success getting back onto the program, I have ordered more shakes.

    Wish me luck folks… and have a great day!

  • Day 1103

    Had I written this entry earlier in the day I am sure I would have been down on myself about my weight rebounding back to where it was Saturday. After a long day of lecturing with a sore throat I am just glad I made it through the day. I really hope I am not coming down with anything. See you all tomorrow.

  • Day 1090

    I lost another small fraction of a pound this morning. I am hoping it will be easier for me to lose more this morning, seeing as I am nauseous from the vaccines I got yesterday. No, it was not a Covid-19 vaccine or flu… I have never had any adverse reaction to either of those.

    Despite not feeling well and getting to bed early, I did not fall asleep until 5:00am. I spent a lot of the day in bed trying to rest, but did not shut my eyes. I truly hope I sleep better this evening. I know, vaccinations can knock you on your butt for a day or two… but I don’t have to like it!

    I went out for fifteen minutes, but other than that I am staying close to home today. Feeling yucky.

  • Day 1083

    The cold front continues. The temperatures have been cold but bearable. The wind, on the other hand, has been quite unpleasant on the exposed parts of my body… which in this weather means only my face and ears. My hands get cold too, despite my gloves. Fortunately, I can stick them in my pocket and I’m fine. I wish I did not have to go out again today, but I do… first to a meeting, then to walk Her Floofness again. Sigh.

    I had trouble falling asleep last night, but at least my sleep score was 70 and not worse. Tonight will be better… I hope.

    My weight dropped again this morning, so over a two-day period it is down 4.6 lbs., which is tremendous… but it is also just regulating the ridiculous gains from the previous days. The holidays are over, and it is time to get back on track. I wish my knee were back in form so that I could actually exercise… but that will be in a day or two. I want to get my weight back below that terrible mark!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1081

    My sleep score last night was an 85, the second highest it has been since my hip started to cause me problems. I should mention that there was one night that I did not wear my fitness watch to bed, which is odd for me, but I just forgot to put it on after I got out of the shower. In any event, I feel well rested this morning. I also feel for the first time in a week that there is marked improvement to my hip; to be clear, the improvement has nothing to do with pain medicines (although they have helped keep me somewhat sane). No, I felt real improvement before I got out of bed, which means before I took my pill. I am relieved that it seems to be on the mend. I have been extremely unhappy these last few days, even snapping at people who did not deserve it. I will apologize to them both. Now let’s hope and pray than my hip and leg continue to improve!

    What has not been improving is my weight. I have gained a tremendous amount of weight this past week, partly due to stress-eating to try to relieve the pain. That never works of course, but gaining weight does. My weight this morning is a disgusting amount over the terrible mark. I need to get back on track. Hopefully the lessening of my pain will help with that. I need to get down to a reasonable weight, and that will need to start with depriving myself of certain things. Hopefully by mid-week I will be able to exercise again, but until that is the case I cannot touch another carbohydrate, starting now.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1080

    My day yesterday did not go as I had planned. I did not drive to Niagara Falls (we will go one day this week) and I spent several hours waiting to see a doctor and then to get an x-ray of my hip. Hopefully it starts to feel better. I also slept a ridiculous amount – I was in bed shortly after 6:00pm, and while I did not fall asleep right away (nor stay asleep right through) I did not get out of bed until 7:30am. My sleep score was only a 78, but that is better than it might have been.

    I did not eat terribly yesterday, but my weight continues to creep up. I hope that in a few days my hip is back to normal so that I can resume my exercise routine.

    I am meeting a couple of people for coffee today. Hopefully I will stay on track.