Losing a part of me

Category: body

  • Day 102

    I was able to stick to the plan yesterday. I admit thinking at one point that a meal replacement bad – in addition to what I had eaten already – would have been nice. I did not indulge – to whatever extent a meal replacement bar would be considered an indulgence – and I went to bed having eaten precisely what I had set out to eat throughout the day. In addition, I enjoyed a single cigar on the balcony, as well as a pot of coffee (enjoyed throughout the morning and early afternoon). It was, in short, a day that went according to plan.

    I am still unsure what my plans for today are. I will either be seeing Lyle and Dorothy, or Ryan and the gang. In the next hour I will make some calls and decide. It is a rainy day out though, so my thinking is that Ryan’s is the more comfortable option; Lyle’s would be to support him through a difficult situation, and if he asks, I will be there.

    Either way, I have to try to stick to the plan. My weight was down this morning, but only very slightly. I know I am seeing the doctor this Wednesday for my official weigh-in and would like to be a couple of kilograms down from last time. In other words, falling off the program (even for a day) would not bode well for that. Also, in ten days I will be on a beach in Cuba with Leslie, and I want to look as good as I can for her in my swim trunks! Okay, I am mostly kidding… but I did buy six shirts for the trip (along with my two bathing suits), and I want them to fit me as well as possible, and not too tight.

    I mentioned earlier that it is rainy out today. Leslie is thinking that might be the reason my knee has been hurting – that it has, as will happen with older people – turned into a barometer. She might be right, although I hope not. I am hoping that the only reasons my knee has been bothering me is because, thanks to HRF Princess Sophie, I am often required to sleep in less-than-completely-comfortable positions. I will have to pay attention to it over the next few weeks though… if it is true, then I will at least know when to expect it. Yes, my younger lady derives quite a bit of humour out of reminding me that I am getting old!

    It is a lovely and typical spring day, and my allergies are in full force. I have been taking allergy meds every day for the last week or two and will make sure I continue to do so. I have suffered from bad allergies since I was a child, and I am at peace with the fact that I might not be able to completely alleviate them, but at least by taking the proper precautions I can keep the worst of them at bay.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 95

    Sad news of loss is always a potential trigger for bad behaviour. If not outward, then certainly dietary. I was saddened to receive word last night that a friend of mine had passed away. I knew that I could not let my emotions get the better of me, and I stayed the course. I did not indulge. In fact, the only food that I had after hearing the distressing news was my evening shake. I am quite proud of myself for that.

    In short, yesterday I ate what I was meant to eat on my revised program. I had a meal replacement in the morning and in the evening, at lunch I had my main meal, and for dinner I had a salad with salmon. I drank more water than I do most days, but that might be owing to my walk. Five kilometers is a long way to go, and the sweat lost must be replenished!

    While I was feeling the effects of the walk all evening, I am feeling much better for it this morning. I do not feel that my muscles are crying, and given the opportunity, I might happily go for another walk today. Sadly, after spending a couple of hours taking my son for brunch, I will be congregating with friends to mourn Cam’s passing. He was a fellow cigar smoker, and we will spend the afternoon doing just that – smoking cigars in his honour.

    Speaking of breakfast with my son, I will take him, and I will be careful. I know there are too many temptations at a breakfast/brunch table, and I will do my best to stay as true to the program as I can. If on every second Sunday I am going to break my diet routine to spend an enjoyable couple of hours with my boy, then I will do so happily; at the same time, I can focus on good behaviours, and not go nuts. The plan is to have a vegetarian omelet, no potatoes, no toast. It is near to as boring a brunch meal as I can think; my weight did not get so out of hand as to require a year-long extreme weight-loss program to recover by being boring. Knowing that is how I got to where I am (and to where I was three months ago), I will forego the exciting at the restaurant.

    It is a beautiful day out. The sun is shining, and while the forecasted high temperature is 13°c (55°F), it looks like the daytime temps will be a couple of degrees shy of that. I don’t mind… I’ll have my jacket if I need it, and we will sit around sharing stories of our friend. Our friend who never took care of himself. Our friend who five years ago lost his leg to diabetes, and never made any lifestyle changes to prevent the loss of much more. Our friend who has been falling deeper into the depths of despair and depression, who spent so much of his time cloistered in his untidy basement apartment, and who, despite the encouragements of so many of us, did nothing to prevent his senseless and premature passing. In the large group who will be there this afternoon, we will share the wonderful stories of him. When those who were not as intimate are gone, we will lament that we did all that we could, but it was never going to be enough unless he was going to do his part. He stopped doing his part months ago.

    If ever there was a sign from the universe that I am on the right track, and that I need to get myself healthy and into shape, it is this. So yes, I will raise a single dram to his honour today… but I shall neither eat nor drink my sadness away. Unlike Cam, I have way too much to live for.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 94

    Today’s article could just as easily be titled ‘Perception of Progress: Do not trust your memory!’ I suspect I will have a lot of people who know exactly what I am talking about.

    I am in the phase where I feel like I have lost a lot of weight, and that I haven’t lost anything.

    Anyone who has ever had a huge belly will know that you can put your hands under it and lift it and see just how fat you are. The same goes for man-boobs. You lift them and bam, they are huge. I will not discuss the obesity of a woman’s chest for two reasons. First, having no first-hand experience having them, I cannot speak to it, and secondly, I expect that this is the one area where many women do not necessarily wish to shrink.

    I put my hands under my belly this morning and lifted, and it is truly large. It is easy to get discouraged by the sheer size of my belly. It is hard to remember that three months ago it was that much bigger… and while it is easy to say, ‘I’ve gotten nowhere,’ in truth I know that is it much smaller than it was.

    In fact, when Leslie was here a couple of weeks ago, I remember saying that I noticed that my man-boobs were much smaller than they had once been.

    With regard to weight loss and the shrinking of our body, perception is not in fact reality. That is why we need to measure ourselves. While I weigh myself on a daily basis, I only measure myself very occasionally, and I mark those numbers down even less frequently. My reasoning is simple: Every time I measure myself, I am disappointed. It disheartens me to see that I have only lost half an inch, or whatever it might be, after a month or two or three. It is interesting that I get excited by a 2kg weight loss over a fortnight, but not over losing 2” around my belly in eight weeks.

    After I wrote that last paragraph, I decided to measure myself. I have actually lost about 3” around my belly and a little over 3” around my chest. That is pretty huge, even if I have so far to go. What I have to remember though is that three months ago, my Size-44 pants were all tight, and there wasn’t a single size-42 pair that I could hope to wear. I had shirts that would not even come close to buttoning up, and I had to buy a larger winter jacket because neither my ski jacket nor my spring/fall jacket came close to doing up. Today, some of my size-44 pants are too loose to wear, and the ones that are not are getting there. I am wearing size-42 blue jeans. Most (but certainly not all) of my larger shirts fit or are close to fitting. Both of the jackets that I had set aside are a little tight, but certainly wearable.

    Okay, all of that is great, and hugely meaningful. Some of the other things I have to remember though are that it is not strictly about size. As I walked HRF Princess Sophie this morning, I realized how much more comfortable I am walking her, and how much easier it is to bend down to pick up after her. I am not even referring to the fact that earlier in the week I was able to go for a five-kilometer walk, which is huge… but the everyday things that need to get done are easier to do than they were. I am finding it easier to put on my socks and my shoes. I am not having the same difficulties walking. My knees still hurt when I walk up or down stairs, but that is in part due to injuries. I have an easier time getting out of bed, standing up (either from a chair or from the porcelain throne). I still do not find my low couch to be very comfortable, but I have no problem sitting or lying on it, because I can much more easily stand up from it. All of the activities that were (and still might be) more difficult with all of the weight are getting easier. It is a gradual process, but it is progress.

    A month or so ago, my doctor asked me what exercise I am doing. I told him that I am walking HRF a couple of times per day. He told me that unless I had a larger and more energetic dog, it was unlikely that the start-stop pace of dog-walking was going to get my cardio going. He was right, but now I can go out for those much longer walks when I want to. I will try to do it more often as the weather gets nicer. I know that in a couple of weeks I will be in Cuba, and I will try to get some good walks in there (no excuses on the weather, other than some might find it to be too hot).

    I have a long way to go; in truth, I am probably under one third of the way to the total weight loss I want to achieve. Every journey starts with a single step, and every diet starts with a single day. Today is the ninety-fourth day of my journey, and while there have been bumps and even severe bumps along the way, I am confident that I can continue to lose weight so that in time, hopefully within a year, I can have the slamming body that I always wished I could have.