Losing a part of me

Category: Clothes

  • Day 832

    I did it! Yesterday after I published my article (and did a few other housekeeping items that I needed to get done) I went out for my walk/jog. I walked the first kilometre, jogged the second, and then walked the rest of the way, totaling just over 6.5km in total. I will call that a win indeed!

    After I showered and cleaned up Leslie and I sat down for our last Passover meal. We had the same salad I’ve been making all along, but instead of the balsamic vinegar and olive oil we decided to substitute an Asian dressing. While we both applaud the concept, I think the dressing we chose was too subtle for what we were looking for. Live and learn, right?

    After lunch we completed some paperwork which was hanging over our heads, and then to celebrate we had a cigar on the balcony. Leslie then went back to work, and I had a number of calls and meetings I had to join as well. I then made a reservation for dinner, and then answered a slew of outstanding emails.

    As I might have mentioned, this trip was a last-minute and sudden one, so I packed a bit haphazardly. Had it occurred to me when I was packing that we would be celebrating our anniversary together then I would have packed a jacket and tie. I am glad that I had a button-down shirt and a bow-tie that I had ordered from Amazon. When Leslie emerged from the room in her gown I was breathless, and felt between my weight gain and my lack of a jacket that I had severely married up. I couldn’t help but thinking that I love being married to the most beautiful and radiant woman in the room… wherever we go.

    We headed to Chamberlain’s for dinner and I had already decided that I was not holding back. While I would not violate the dietary laws of my faith, I was not going to be on a diet this night. We had two cigars for each of us (one for before the meal, and one for after). I ordered a very lovely scotch whisky and Leslie ordered a cocktail, and we enjoyed our cigar with those until the appetizer came. We shared a plate of bison meatballs that were delicious. For our main course Leslie ordered a filet mignon and I ordered the bone-in rib steak, only because I knew that Duchess was being elevated today and that she would really enjoy the bone. For our sides Leslie ordered the mushrooms (probably her favourite vegetable) and I ordered the green beans. Everything was delicious, and for possibly the first time in my life I did not finish my steak, opting to take some of it home. Could I have polished it off? Yes. Would that have been the right thing to do, knowing that I was no longer hungry? I think I did right. Also, I will have the leftovers for lunch, making it a win-win!

    I had told Leslie that, as Passover was officially over, we could order an indulgent dessert. Non need… Kelly (our fabulous waitress) brought over an amazing cake for us to share. If the cake had not been among the most deliciously decadent chocolate cakes I have ever had (and it was) then the presentation would have still been award-worthy. It was gorgeous and it was fabulous… and despite knowing I could easily have taken those last few bites, we left some of it over. As it was I knew that I had sinned against my diet, and I felt that having the willpower to not polish it off showed that I am not just paying lip-service to it.

    Following our post-dinner cigar (a fabulous Davidoff Royal Robusto) we were both ready to head home. I took Duchess out for her walk because Leslie’s ball gown was probably not what you want to be wearing when you are traipsing through the grass and bending down to pick up poop. I came home knowing that we had enjoyed a wonderful second first anniversary.

    My weight was, of course, up this morning. In fact, it was slightly above 280 lbs. again. After last night’s dinner, coupled with two days of not being able to move my bowels, I was neither surprised nor upset. Tomorrow it will be better.  have had the last matzah that I need to eat for another year, and my bowels should go back to normal pretty quick. To that end, after my breakfast this morning I was able to finally have a good movement, and am already feeling a couple of pounds lighter.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 807

    Thursday I spent most of the day relaxing. I do not think I even touched my computer, but I did post a quick blurb to my blog. Yesterday I did do some work on the computer (not a lot) but I forgot to post, so this morning I posted a one-liner to retain my streak.

    Saturday morning!

    Yesterday I was disappointed by the weight gain, if not surprised. Yes, Thursday evening I overindulged. Frankly, I did last night too… I ate half of my challah after class. If that is going to be the only cheat I have in a day then at least I should do it before 9:30pm. Nevertheless, this morning I was pleased to see a reversal of the gains from yesterday morning. If I can get through the rest of today with no more cheating then I have a chance to be back on track.

    Yes, I bought a challah yesterday. They did not have any of the small rolls, so I bought the regular sized one. It is not really big, but it is too much for me to eat in two sittings… which I did. Yes, between yesterday evening and this morning’s breakfast the challah is gone. I will try to not buy any more rolls for a few days.

    My new shirts and sports jacket arrived on Thursday, and I was happy to wear them (one shirt with the jacket) last night for class. The jacket might have been a bit tight, and I look forward to losing ten pounds so it will fit better.

    My plans for the day include a haircut at noon, and then after lunch Eduardo is coming over for a cigar. It will be great to sit with him. I think Lyle and I are getting together tomorrow, and it will be good to see him as well. The weather is really picking up, with highs through next Sunday ranging from 9° through 15°… and while the overnight lows are still cooler, they are not scheduled to drop to 0°, so things are really looking up for the end of winter.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 804

    Houston… what a terrible airport. United… what a terrible airline. I am looking forward to getting home, that’s all I can say.

    I was optimistic in my thinking when I said I would arrive in Houston by 5:30, be check into the hotel at 6:15, and would head to Blend Bar for the evening. It never occurred to me that I would not get out of the airport for over two hours, including a ridiculous ordeal trying to get an Uber. By the time I was settled into my room it was 9:00pm and I was hungry. I headed down to the restaurant, where I was planning to redeem both drink vouchers the manager of the hotel gave me.

    I was almost very bad. I almost ordered Buffalo wings… in fact I did, but immediately changed it to a hamburger. While that is not exactly a healthy meal, it could have been much worse. I cannot have Buffalo wings until I am sure that I can have a reasonable amount of them, and only occasionally. I had a beer with dinner, and a glass of red wine after dinner with a cigar outside. I got back to my room around 10:30. I reorganized my luggage (making sure to pack my Duty Free rum into my checked luggage), and then got into bed to wind down for a bit before sleeping.

    I slept well but not enough – I could have added 90 minutes to my total had I not opted for the cigar, but that was my choice. I was out of bed five minutes prior to my 6:00M alarm, and went about my morning bathroom rituals. Today was the first day in ten that I had Internet while sitting in the loo, and I checked my email and social media before taking a lovely shower. I closed my suitcases and took them down so that I would not need to return to the room after breakfast.

    The hotel itself was very comfortable, and the front desk staff last night (as well as the restaurant) were great. Their shuttle service, on the other hand, was lousy. I emailed the GM (with whom I made friends) and he apologized, telling me that yesterday they turned in their 15-seat van for a much smaller one in anticipation of a slower season… so when I got there in time the driver told me ‘too bad, so sad… o room.’ I had to either pay for my own taxi, or wait until the next one (30 minutes later). Grrr.

    Honestly, the hotel room and restaurant were great; everything else since I got to Houston was a shit show, up to and including the rude and dishonest service on the airplane out. I will not bore my readers with the details, but suffice it to say that I will be glad to be back in Canada. I should also mention that the CBP officers were very polite and efficient, and do not EVERYTHING in the Houston airport sucked… only most things.

    I probably had slightly more breakfast that I normally would, but I don’t think it was a real cheat. The only real cheat in Houston was a bag of chips after my cigar. I am hoping that the disgusting g airline actually lets me purchase food on board, but I am not holding my breath. Judging from Little Miss Sunshine who ‘helped’ me before we took off, I rather suspect that I’ll be lucky to get a warm glass of spit. If they do actually have what is listed in the magazine, I will have a chicken wrap and a can of chips.

    It is presently 10:30am CDT, which means 11:30 in Toronto. We are scheduled to land around 2:15pm, and if all goes well I should be home by 4:15. I’ll run out to pick up a quick bite before class, and will be ready at my computer at 5:30pm. As I said to Leslie earlier, I am not expecting to be able to relax and breathe until a little after 9:00pm tonight. I am really hoping to get a good night sleep in my own bed; with Her Royal Floofness snuggled into my back.

    Tomorrow morning I will step onto the bathroom scale for the first time since March 23. I am hoping for a five-pound drop, but as long as I did not gain weight I will be happy. It is great that I am not expecting to gain weight after a vacation… that is usually when people do. My last weigh-in before leaving Canada was a relief for having dropped back below 280 lbs., and I really want to stay there… and then hopefully get below (and stay below) 270 before my upcoming trip to Dallas. I hope I can make it!

    I got notification yesterday that my new shirts and sports jacket are arriving tomorrow! It usually takes eight weeks from when I order them, and they have never come in 5 weeks. I am excited but also a little scared… on the 23rd I weighed 12 lbs. more than when I was fitted for them. I am hoping they fit well, and that I do not have to lose a few more pounds until I wear them. I am going to do my best.

    With spring coming I might not be using the treadmill very much, only because I want to walk outside. With that said, I have to remember that April in Canada is usually a wet month, and so I have to make sure that if I am not going out then at least I will not be stagnant. I texted my neighbour who is caring for Her Floofness and she told me that it is raining today and tomorrow, so while I might take Floof out for a bit, a power walk is unlikely… not that I would have the time to anyways.

    I will try to do some quick grocery shopping before my class so that I will be have food in the house for tomorrow morning. I think I still have enough eggs and milk, but I do not remember what else I might need. I have spent the last ten days eating in restaurants and i want to get off that cadence starting with dinner tonight. It is unlikely that I will have time to cook, but at least I can pick up something ready to eat from the supermarket deli counter.

    I am wearing long pants for the first time since I checked into my apartment in Havana on the 24th. It feels a bit weird, but in truth I should have put them on before smoking my cigar in Houston. It was a bit nippy out, at least compared to the weather in Havana. I am sure the 51 sunny degrees I experienced this morning will feel like heaven when I land in Toronto, but that’s life. I only wish I had thought to pack a warmer shirt than I did – I do have a long sleeve guayabera that I had I tended to have to change into when I was on the plane, but as I reorganized my bags to lighten my carry-on, I suspect I packed it into one of my suitcases. Oops! I’ll change at the airport in Toronto once I collect my luggage. I do have a sleeveless vest that I packed in my knapsack so even if my luggage is lost I’ll have SOME protection from the elements.

    What else is going on? I have a lot in my mind right now, and am trying to organize my thoughts. When I spoke with the young man from Chabad in Havana he told me they desperately need any Judaica, especially books, and that they do not even have a Torah. I am not sure what I can do about that but I know I am going to look into it and see what I can do to make that right. We will see.

    One week from tomorrow will be a special day for me, and I am looking forward to it. I am not talking about it now, but hopefully after Thursday next I’ll be able to say something. I honestly am not sure what I am getting into with it, but it is all about helping people and charities. How can that be bad, right?

    Okay, it’s 11:00am and I’m going to shut the phone and see if I can get that chicken wrap. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 803

    I got back to my apartment at 2:00am and decided it was better to start packing before I went to sleep, rather than rushing it and trying to do everything in the morning. It was not at all surprising that although I came down with two suitcases that weighed 60 lbs. each and two carry-ons that weighed 25 lbs. each my two suitcases (which included my larger and heavier carry-on) weighed less than 60 lbs. combined, and my knapsack that I am carrying on weighs probably 20 lbs. From the beginning it was my intention to leave a ton of stuff (much of which I collected from my generous friends in Canada) with my buddy in Havana who is a Mason; some of it was for him and his family, most of it will be distributed by his lodge. It feels incredible to be able to help the poor Cuban people who need it; it feels wonderful to be traveling home with a much lighter load than I came with.

    Yesterday was another good day, both with regards to walking and with food intake. Late in the evening I was hungry and thought about enjoying a protein bar, but instead I opted to go to sleep with a slightly empty stomach. According to my phone (which I know is not as accurate at my fitness watch) I walked nearly 18,000 steps and climbed sixteen flights. There is nothing wrong with that!

    As I write this journal entry I am sitting in the airport in Havana. After passing through all of the checkpoints I purchased a bottle of booze at Duty Free, as well as some crackers and wafers. I gave my buddy the last of my US Dollars this morning, after putting aside enough to get to the airport and $5 extra for a cheese sandwich (which I am slowly savouring as I write). I was hoping that my Canadian credit card would work at Duty Free, but it did not, and I was relieved to have Canadian Dollars. The exchange rate is lousy, but the bottle that I purchased is not available in Canada, and as long as the US does not confiscate it from me, I should not have a problem. I have an hour and a bit before my flight boards, and while I will not be connecting to the Internet (which means it will not publish until I land in Houston), I am happy to have a relaxing time to sit and put down some thoughts.

    I love helping the Cuban people, and am happy to have the ability to do so. What sometimes jades me is how blatantly the people in the street size you up and try to separate tourists from their money. Last night as I was walking home a lady (in the loosest sense of the word) accosted me in a vain attempt to get me into bed (and for her to get into my wallet). This was not the first time that has happened to me, and I was not in the mood to even stop walking. As I kept telling her no, she asked why. I eventually told her that she was not my type. She asked what was my type, because she has a friend. I told her that I only like boys. This shocked and offended her… but after a snide comment it also got her to leave me alone. (For those who are wondering, it was as blatant a lie as I have ever told, as I clearly am quite straight!)

    This morning a guy saw me walking with a couple of bags that I was taking for my buddy. He said ‘Is that for me?’ I told him that it was not. He then started playing upset that I help others and not him, and that he says hello to me every time I pass by ‘his corner.’ I looked at him straight and told him that am happy to say hello to everyone, but with 400 people saying hello to me in Old Havana every day, I do not have the wherewithal nor the desire to help every single one. I say hello because it is the nice thing to do, but if he is doing it solely to get something from me then he should not say hello to me anymore. He got pissed off… but he pissed off.

    I may be exaggerating with the number 400, but not by much. There seems to be an entire brigade of people trying to get you a taxi, sell you cigars, give you a tour in a classic car (or walking), or sex with their sister mother daughter aunt or grandmother. Every single person wants to change your dollars, or wants you to help the me to buy medicines or bread for their children or grandmother. Everyone has a sob story, and every one of them is well trained in sizing up tourists and figuring out an angle. While I joke about it from time to time, it really does get boring in a hurry. When I give something to someone in the street I do not know where it will end up. When I give it to the Freemasons I know that it will be distributed to people who really need it, and not to people whose job it is to con tourists.

    That is not to say that I do not give money to some people in the street. Sunday evening I was sitting at a café when a man walked by wearing a kippa and wearing a Star of David. I stopped him and spoke with him, and gave him some money. Saturday evening I was waiting for a friend outside a restaurant when a man approached me on crutches; he had one leg, and his one foot was obviously in trouble. I gave him some money (and spent time talking with him), but what he wanted I could not give him. He wanted hard currency… dollars and Euros. He said he needs it to buy his medicine. Whether or not that is true, I did not have sufficient money in my pocket… and when he told me I should go back to my apartment to get it for him, I told him that I could not. I feel terrible for him and for all of the Cuban people, but there is only so much I can do. If I gave every person in the streets that needed money for (fill in the blank) only one dollar, I would not have money to eat… let alone take care of my friends who also have their sad stories.

    I feel terrible that I get jaded, but the incessant onslaught of people obviously trying to scam me gets old fast. I feel terrible that I cannot help everyone… but I do not have that kind of money. I try to find a balance between not making eye contact with all of them and not letting my heart harden to their plight. I am reminded of my visit to Mumbai, how sad it was seeing the dichotomy between the opulence of the palatial hotel I would spend my evenings in and the modern and secure office complex in which I spent my days, and the throngs of people living in lean-to hovels along the road who had nothing. It was hard to see that. It’s hard to see the plight of the Cuban people as well… but while none of them live well, I know that none of them are going to starve to death, and they all have somewhere to live. Knowing that the tourist areas are well-manned by these hawkers and such, I have to decide each time I come whether my love for the city is enough to keep me renting the cheap apartment off the beaten path, or if I am better off at a hotel. So far the apartment and the real Havana keeps winning out.

    My plane leaves in an hour, and I am going to make my way upstairs to my gate. I was disappointed to learn that I will need to collect my luggage in Houston, but that’s life in the fast lane. I only wish I did not have the overnight layover. I miss my dog and I miss my bed. The hotel bed tonight will be much more luxuriant than the one I have been sleeping in this trip, but Princess Sophie will not be in it. I look forward to seeing her tomorrow afternoon when I finally do get home.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 800

    I had a great day yesterday but for whatever reason I did not sit down to write. Oops.

    I continue to sleep very little but am not at all tired throughout the day. That might have something to do with how much coffee I drink when I am here… or it might just be because of the air. Either way, I am relaxed and happy on four or five hours per night.

    My fitness watch battery is at 5% and I will be happy if it makes it through one more day. If not, then I will have a couple of days without measurements in the app… but I will still be walking and aiming for 15,000 steps per day. I will continue to eat smartly. I am still hoping to be very happy with my weight when I step onto the bathroom scale Wednesday morning. As it is, the Hawaiian shirt that I could not wear Monday seems to be a bit more comfortable today. I promised someone I would send them a picture of myself in it, which I was able to do this morning, so I see that as an indicator that I’m doing well. The scale will tell the numbers, but more importantly the way my shirts and sports jackets fit is more important.

    I am meeting my steps goal every day without a problem. As was the case on my last visit here, the only vehicles I have been in are taxis to and from the Hotel Nacional with friends. To be honest, I did take a cab back alone that night, but it was late and I wanted to see a friend before their shift ended. I made up for it by walking another few thousand steps before turning in.

    It is amazing how many Jews I have met on this trip, which is to say that I have met at least six of them… including one native Cubans who is with the local Chabad house. I confess it never occurred to me that there would be one! Last night at dinner the guys at the next table were from Tel Aviv and we had a great conversation. They asked me why I wear my kippa here instead of a hat. I told them that had I been wearing a hat then I would never have met most of the Jews that I have met. Havana is a very safe city and Cuba is very accepting of all religions (while not condoning any one of them), but if someone does not like the fact that I am Jewish (and Israeli) then I like knowing… and if they confront me then I’ll happily handle that situation. In the meantime, I was able to light my Shabbat candles in my apartment last night. I was alone, but as I lit them I know that I was with all of the people I pray for, and with the whole Jewish nation. There is n irony to being able to do this freely in a country that is so poor and the people are oppressed… just like we have been so many times.

    It is another gorgeous day and I am enjoying my second day cup of coffee at my buddy‘s bistro. In a little while I will head out for my day. I have to stop by my apartment because I took my laptop bag to bring him some things, and do not want to have to carry it all day. I will then set out to enjoy the rest of my day. It is the Sabbath, and I will take it easy… but if that were the only definition of the day then this entire week has been Sabbath!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 796

    Yesterday was a wonderful day from beginning to end. IY”H every day should be as good.

    After the ridiculously long, stressful, and expensive two-day span that was Saturday into Sunday, I landed in Cuba only one hour later than I had originally planned for, and was at my apartment by 4:30pm. I did not unpack, but I did go into my suitcase to find a pair of shorts and my sandals (I had changed into a short-sleeve shirt on the plane from Toronto to Houston) and I went out to meet my buddy only a few minutes later than expected. He and I spent the evening together, enjoying a coffee and then dinner… followed by another snack a little later. I was back in my apartment by 11:00pm, and while I was quickly running out of juice, I had to unpack and organize my kit before turning in. I turned on the water heater so that I would be able to shower before getting into bed, which I was finally able to do by 12:30am. I slept like the dead.

    I seldom eat well on travel days, and what with all of the stress and anxiety of the entire ordeal Sunday was no exception. After everything, I should have turned it off… but as we sat in the cafe-bar toward the end of the evening, as Johnny devoured his desert I compounded it by indulging in a plate of French fries. I knew it was wrong… and I did not and do not and will not feel bad or apologize for it. My step count for the day was 14,000, and my stress count was through the roof. I deserved every morsel and every calorie that I ate Sunday.

    Yesterday would have to be better… and it was. I did not eat breakfast, partially because the restaurant I had planned to eat at was not open yet, but also because I met a few guys from Kentucky at my buddy’s cafe and nibbled on a piece of their toast. For lunch I had a plate of pasta (which in Cuba is a reasonable size, and not what one might get in a restaurant in North America). Dinner was a plate of fried plantains and a chicken dish that likely had the nutritional value (or lack thereof) of an order of General Tao’s chicken… but again it was a reasonable size. I walked 17,000 steps throughout the day, enjoyed many cigars and cups of coffee, and the company of a few friends I always see when I’m here. In the balance, yesterday was a weight-plan success.

    After dinner I went back to Johnny’s bistro for another cigar and a video call, and I ran into the guys from Kentucky who joined me for a cigar… and pulled out a bottle of very fine bourbon. I relaxed until closing and then walked with Johnny as far as my apartment, where I picked up another cigar and then went to see my friend Gloria at her work. She and I chatted until nearly 3:00am, at which point I headed back to my place and had a very good (if short) sleep.

    This morning I ordered a plate of fried eggs and toast, and a couple of cups of coffee. Depending on whether or not people I met show up or not, I will either be leading a tour today, or I will just do my own thing in Habana Viella. While it would be great if they do show up, my day will likely be no better or worse if they do or not… it will just be different.

    My goal is to register 15,000 steps or more every day in Havana. That should not be a difficult goal to achieve, and will likely do much more than that some days. The only thing I need to be aware of is the state of my feet, remembering the problems I had with them on my last trip. Those problems started with a lot of steps in a pair of sandals that were probably well past their expected lifespan (measured in steps, not in age). I gave that pair away, and am wearing another pair that I had… which are older, but not nearly as well worn. After a day and a half in them (and over 30,000 steps) my feet seem fine, so I am optimistic. I brought running shoes just in case, but so far so good. If I need to then I will switch out for runners, but if I can manage it then my other goal is to return to Canada without having worn a single pair of socks the whole trip. We’ll see…

    If the group does not show up then I am planning to have a pizza for either lunch or dinner. The other meal will likely be fish or pasta. We’ll see. I did not feel the need to snack yesterday and while I was peckish by about 12:30am, I did nothing about it and went to bed a little hungry. I would have had to be much hungrier to decide to eat after 11pm. If I can make it through today without snacking then it will absolutely be another good food day.

    It has been some time since I wrote about my bowel movements, but this morning was so good that I feel I should mention that my system is working well, and I suspect that it was ridding my body of all the garbage I ate Sunday. As I walked toward my buddy’s bistro for breakfast I felt five pounds lighter.

    On the negative side, I was extremely disappointed with myself yesterday morning when I put on one of my new shirts and it was tight. I could have gotten away with it, but decided against it and changed into something looser. Hopefully within a few days I will try it on again with better results. While I am well aware that hope is not a strategy, I am truly hoping I can make that happen.

    It is now approaching 10:00am and my group is not here. As I said, either they will show up… or they will not. Either way…

    …have a great day!

  • Day 769

    After yesterday’s horrible 2.4 lbs. gain, it was a relief to drop most of a pound this morning. I understand that I am not as active this week as I would like – what with the class that I am teaching, but also with my recovering from a terrible head cold (in addition to nearly a week of diarrhea), I have not been in the right headspace (or I suppose body space) to work out. I am still not feeling great, and do not expect to be back on the treadmill before the weekend.

    I made a pretty spontaneous decision yesterday… I booked another trip to Havana for the last week of March. Yes, that is scarcely a month after I got back from my last trip… but it might also be my last opportunity to go away for a few months, as I am starting a teaching contract April 1 that will have me teaching three evenings per week until the end of July. That is good news for my ability to earn a living and pay my bills but does not bode quite so well for my ability to go away… at least not to destinations where reliable Internet is a myth.

    I am skipping dinner tonight… sort of. I have a couple of errands I need to run, and then I am going to Hamilton to pick out a couple of new shirts to have tailored for me. Yes, it is that time again… the Hong Kong tailor is here for a couple of days, and while I have been in the dumps lately, I am going to get a couple of new shirts, and maybe a new sports jacket. I don’t know… something new to brighten my wardrobe for the summer. We’ll see. In any event, I know that I will be out of the house from 5:30 until 9:15 or so, and I am not going to eat that late; I will take a protein bar with me in case I get hungry though… and maybe I’ll pick up some peanuts.

    By the way, when I do get home from all of those errands, I will have a meeting with my diet buddy. We have not spoken since before I left for Cuba… it will be great to chat with her again!

    Tomorrow morning, I have to go to get a document notarized. I would give anything to change that… but that’s life. Not all of life is pleasant, and not all of it is in our control. We can only control ourselves, and sometimes the whims, perceptions, and mental issues of others can crash down on us. The best that we can do is survive and try to recover. That is what I will do.

    I’ll see you tomorrow.

  • Day 673

    Wow, did I fall off the wagon yesterday. I fell hard, and I paid for it this morning. Not only was my weight up a whopping five pounds from yesterday morning, but it also shot over that 250 lbs. mark that I have been trying to avoid. I know, it is a bump in the road, and I will be back on track tomorrow; that does not make me feel a whole lot better now. The important thing to remember is that I can either redouble my efforts to do better today (and over the next few days) so that I can get back on track (and below the terrible 250), or I can wallow in my guilt and sorrow and not only stay above it, but most likely keep gaining. My plan is to get back on track starting right now.

    There were two critical factors that caused my lapse yesterday. The first is the debilitating emotional pain that I have been living with these last few weeks. There was nothing that was going to happen yesterday that was going to make that better. The second was my religious dietary restrictions which, and the fact that my friends do not observe the same. I’ll explain:

    I went to my buddy’s house for the day yesterday. When I suggested we get together I did not realize it wad American Thanksgiving, let alone that he and his family prepared an authentic Thanksgiving dinner. When I found that out, I was excited because I love turkey, and I know that they would likely prepare it very well. Of course, I agreed to stay for dinner! In the hours leading up to dinner they were asking me all sorts of questions about what I could and could not eat. The turkey was the central problem because every side dish that contained dairy was out. That included the mashed potatoes, the broccoli casserole, and a couple of other dishes. It would never have occurred to me had Ryan’s mom not checked, but the turkey itself was prepared with butter.

    Any Jew who observes the rules of kashrut will agree that it is much easier to be a vegetarian when eating with others. The moment I realized that I could not eat the turkey I realized I was now free to eat all of the other dishes. When presented with the smorgasbord of broccoli casserole, mashed potatoes, and stuffing (which was not prepared inside the turkey – I checked) I piled my plate high. Had I done that with turkey then I would have been just as full, but it would have been protein, and it would not have been nearly as bad. By indulging (dare I say gorging myself) on the starches and carbs, I was absolutely setting myself up for a disaster.

    I had done my best, but I had not quite eaten my sadness away by the time I left. When I stopped to fill my gas tank, I also picked up a bag of chips. In the past few months when I have done this, I have at least done the smart thing and chose the single-portion bag. Yesterday I was hurting so bad that I bought the family-sized bag. Yes, I know exactly how stupid that was. Yes, I polished off the entire bag. Yes, I regret it. No, I will not do that again.

    I have a friend in Montreal who has been showing that she cares. Yesterday she reached out, and when I told her I was still doing badly she tried to put a positive spin on it. She reminded me how exciting it is that I got my new clothes. She is right about a couple of things: firstly, it is important to look for the good in life… even when almost everything is going terrible. Secondly, it is nice that I will be able to wear my new shirts and jacket next week for my class. I am just having so much trouble seeing anything positive, but yes, they are nice and yes, new clothes are always nice. I am trying my friend… I promise I am trying.

    My plan for today is to run a few errands, none of which are food related. I will try to find a winter jacket that I like, and once I do then I will also return the two that I bought over the weekend. I know I went shopping without a clear plan, settling on what I found at the first two stores that I went into… rather than doing my due-diligence and trying to find the right coat for me. In truth, I am going to go try them on, but that is more for the size than for the purchase. If the stores have very good sales, then I will gladly buy from them; I have already checked the Internet and see the Black Friday sale prices, and if I do not find something comparable then I will buy online. Frankly I hope that will not be the case, as I would much rather purchase from a store… but I have to get the best bang for my buck.

    With regard to food: I ate my omelette this morning… along with a piece of bread that was leftover from yesterday’s ridiculous indulgence. For the rest of the day, I am going to stick with proteins only – I will prepare my chicken; there will be no potatoes or rice, only protein. I have had my fill of carbs for the day.

    Aside from that, I will be studying. It would be nice to sit outside with my laptop and a cigar for a couple of hours, but that will largely depend on what the weather does. Yes, I have my heater ready, but this morning was the first day of the season that I saw snow flurries. I suppose the deciding factor will be the winds. My exam is tomorrow though, so whether it will be indoors or out… I will be studying. Wish me luck!

  • Day 669

    Recording a three-pound drop from yesterday morning was a good way to start my morning. When there is little good in one’s life it is helpful when even the most minor successes are achieved.

    My new clothes are on a truck out for delivery, which means that sometime today I will get my new shirts and sports jacket. That would have been so exciting just a few weeks ago. Now? Well, at least I will have new shirts to wear next week when I am teaching. I am not nearly as excited as I would have been.

    Speaking of clothes, I went shopping yesterday. I am likely going to return most of what I bought, but it was so exciting to be able to purchase a ski jacket in size XL. The one I purchased two years ago was a 4XL, and the one I was wearing since 2005 (which did not fit when I was at my most extreme weight) is a 3XL. I will be taking both of those to the charity donation bin later this week, even though I will not be wearing either the ski jacket or the coat that I bought (yes, I bought a jacket and a coat… don’t ask). I will take them both back and go looking for a proper long jacket that will serve both purposes. Yes, it will cost a little more, but it will still likely cost less than the two items combined. I am keeping the sweater I bought… it is a size L, in contrast to the size XXL that I purchased two years ago. Actually, Leslie bought it for me. Maybe that’s why I needed a new sweater.

    I noticed something on my body a few nights ago that is a bit worrisome. If I did not have an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow morning, I would have made one. I have a weird sensitivity and a lump in my pelvic area. I am not one for Doctor Google but from everything I know, I suspect it is a hernia. I will not self-diagnose and will ask my doctor in the morning.

    Speaking of my doctor’s visit, my weight this morning was within .2 lb. of what I weighed the morning of my last appointment with her. With a bit of luck (and a lot of effort) I might drop another pound tomorrow morning, but even if I do not, I am both relieved that I do not weigh more, and disappointed that I have not lost more. Of course, that is ignoring the fact that three weeks after that appointment I was down nearly 8 lbs., and that just three days ago I was 3 lbs. up from that. The last month has been a maelstrom of travel, emotion, and some wonderful and some terrible things… all of this putting aside the fact that my country is still at war and that the lies of public opinion make Hamas look like the heroes of the story while my people are seen as the forces of pure evil.

    It is nearly 1:00pm and I have had a slightly productive morning. I also realized that I did not defrost chicken, which means that I can either put it in the microwave, or I can go to the supermarket to pick up a defrosted package. I think that is the option I am going to take, as the packages are too large to rotate in my microwave oven… and I do not have the ‘stay put’ tray for it. In the afternoon I will be studying for the exam that I need to take within the next couple of weeks. Hopefully I will be able to focus and remember what is in my head. I am not placing any bets on that. The exam is paid for and it expires in two weeks so I am going to take it whether or not I am fully prepared… but I really do not want to fail.

  • Day 666

    It continues to creep up. Yes, it is only a couple of ounces at a time, but my weight this morning was still slightly up from yesterday morning. It is frustrating, but at the same time I know that I have a hundred things going on that are much more pressing that that, and that as long as I am staying the course with my eating then I will eventually (tomorrow or Sunday) be able to resume exercising, and I will get back on track.

    It was not because of this that I skipped the rice that I have been eating with my lunch today. I was just not in the mood for it. I might have some potatoes with dinner, but we will see.

    I received a notification this morning that my new clothes will be delivered Monday. They are already in North America. At least I will be able to wear them for myself and for my students. That was not my original plan, but it is very minor consolation.

    My mood is still not great, but I am trying to keep it together. I hope that when I light my Sabbath candles this evening that the peace and happiness that I always pray for others will come into my heart this time.