Losing a part of me

Category: Clothes

  • Day 9

    As I was walking Princess Sophie, I realized that today is one of those ‘holy-crap-degrees-below-zero’ days. Neither of us wanted to spend a lot of time outside, so she did her business quicker than usual, and then we went back inside. There will be no sitting on the patio for a cigar today… not with the wind chill at -25°C.

    I do have to go out, and that is directly related to the program. I am meeting a woman to buy her leftover product, which I will split with Julie. I also have to buy a couple of things at the pharmacy, but for the life of me, I cannot remember what I need. As soon as I do, I will make a note in my phone and that will be that.

    Aha! As soon as I opened the Notes app on my phone, I remembered… and it might have to do with the program. I realized as I was lecturing last night that my lips were dry and chapping. I need lip balm! How is this diet-related, you ask? One of the effects that the clinic told us about (the first time I went through the program) was that many people will experience dry skin. Considering the amount of water I am drinking in a day this seems surprising, but it is true. In fact, as we were chatting last night my girlfriend mentioned that my skin looked dry, and that I should be moisturizing. I am, but obviously not enough… and not consistently.

    Reading back on my previous journal, on Day 9 I was focused on my schedule… I wanted to make sure I had every meal replacement exactly at the right time, else I might dive into a bucket of chicken wings. This time around I am more focused on a smooth day, and fitting my meal replacements around my schedule, rather than planning my day around the meal replacements. While I believe that a well-planned schedule will help me with my food issues, I also have to break this notion that my life revolves around food. Leslie and I were speaking a few nights ago and she told me she forgot to eat dinner. I still have no understanding of how someone can forget to eat. I have made food such a huge priority for so many years, the notion is simply anathema to me. To wit: There was an evening this week when I was teaching, and following the late break we came back, and I realized within a few minutes that I had not eaten my meal replacement (that had been timed for that break). Feeling weak, I took another short break so that I could eat it. I look forward to the day when I can skip it… and laugh it off.

    I have now completed eight days of the diet, and I am feeling quite well. Aside from the fact that I have lost some weight, I am just generally feeling okay. That is important, because it means that my body has adjusted to the drastic change from over 4,000 calories per day, down to 800 calories per day. The human body has a remarkable ability to tell us what it wants and what it needs. People laugh at the strange cravings of pregnant women, when the cravings are their bodies (and their unborn child) telling them what nutrition they need. I do not claim to know why so many crave pickles and ice cream, but there is something there.

    I mention that because while my body did spend a few days lagging for lack of carbohydrates, once the ketosis set in (the process in which the body uses its own fat stores as an energy source, rather than food ingested) my body has not been screaming that it needs anything that it is not getting. I have not truly craved anything… although there have been some foods that I would have liked to have, I have not had this deep need for anything. If I had wanted to cave, there are several food stuffs in the house that would have been attacked. You see, while I surrendered most of my foods to a buddy, I still have a bag of almonds, a bag of white chocolate chips, a brick of aged cheddar cheese, and a chocolate bar in the kitchen. All of these should be gone… whether by giving them away, or by me giving in to temptation. The fact that I have not really been tempted by any of them is a good sign.

    I want to clarify the last bit. Yes, I would love to dive into that cheese, or any of the other goodies that I have on hand. I suspect that the main reason I have not is simple: right now, I want to not be fat anymore. I want that more than I want the cheese or the chocolate. I do not want to be the fat, disgusting guy who has his belly sticking out of his shirt. I want to be slim, if not thin. I want to be wearing the slimmer clothes that I have (which would still not mean I am slim, but slimmer) that look so much better than all of the fat clothes… no matter how much Leslie loves me and is attracted to me as I am. I love that she is attracted to me… but I want to find myself attractive too. I am well over 100lbs away from that being the reality.

    So yes, I want food… but right now I want to not be fat more than I want any food… no matter how delicious it might be.

    Going into the weekend, I will be making the drive to visit my godson and goddaughter tomorrow, which is a schlep… but they are worth it! Cam and Amanda are surprised that I won’t be eating (and knowing Amanda she is a bit disappointed to not be preparing a meal for such an appreciative guest), but I explained that I am on an extreme weight loss program. It is extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Instead of my usual soups, I will bring a couple of protein bars; they are just more portable, and easier to eat in the car if that is how the timing works. In the past, when making long road trips, I have occasionally bought a beef jerky or similar snack when stuck, so if I do have a real need for extra protein (or if I end up staying later and am short of meal replacements) that would be an option. I hope it does not come to that, but if I need to…

    Time to hit the road… Have a great day!

  • Day 6

    While I did not really have trouble on the program yesterday, I did have to veer slightly. I am teaching classes in the evenings, which has me lecturing five hours straight. By 9:00pm my voice was faltering (a sign of either exhaustion or coming illness). I have a package of lozenges that got me through the evening, even though I know that they are heavy with sugar. I did not look it up last night, but today I see that they have 3g of carbohydrates, with 2g of sugar… each. I do not remember if I had three or four drops, but that means either 6-8g of sugar. I did not have a choice, and it is a very small price to pay for being able to speak. I will not consider it a cheat and will have them ready for this evening.

    My new water bottle arrived, and it is indeed much more comfortable. For one thing it is lighter – the insulation of the old one had it weighing in at over 2lbs. It was also thicker. My new bottle can be easily gripped in one hand. Additionally, as it is not insulated, there are no issues with filling it up in the evening and letting it chill overnight.

    Reading through my previous journal, aside from being stressed at work, I sound pretty positive. I had lost nearly fifteen pounds through the first six days and was excited that I was going to be able to succeed. How right I was… it is the long-term maintenance that I have to work on. It also mentioned that my attitude and mood seemed to be better, which means that the ketosis set in. That is the process by which your body starts to burn its own fat for energy, rather than the sugar (and other starches and carbs) that we eat. I will say this… if my body is going to burn its own fat, there is certainly a lot of fuel for it! Burn baby, burn!

    Today is Robert Burn’s Day. It celebrates the life and poetry of one of the great Scottish poets. My buddy Lyle, a master chef, just told me that were it not for my diet he would have invited me over for the feast. I admit that while I am not crazy for haggis, it would have been great to see him and his wife. I am sure we will have opportunity over the weekend.

    Speaking of the weekend. I am not going anywhere this weekend, but I have been giving some thought to taking a drive to Montreal next weekend. It’s been a while since I’ve seen some of my friends, and I would love to get away for a bit.

    The numbers on the scale this morning were only very slightly down from yesterday. One thing that I will have to account for with the scale, believe it or not, is the quality (and stability) of the floor under which my bathroom scale sits. I remember this was an issue in my apartment in California, and I had to make sure the scale is on the most solid floor possible. This is not only because of my weight (although I suspect that if I weighed less, it would be less of an issue). When I moved in, one of the issues my landlord discussed with me was several areas of the floor that are not completely level/balanced/even. As such, I realized yesterday that I have to move the scale before I weigh myself. While I suspect my weigh-ins from yesterday and today are more accurate, I suspect that my original weigh-in, as well as the next few days, were more inaccurate than I thought.

    First goal:

    In October I bought two pair of pants which did not fit me by mid-December. I am hoping that by next week I will be able to wear them again.

    I am in Facebook Jail for the day, which means that I will be less distracted than I might be. I am going to study for an exam – I want to sit the exam for the class that I am teaching, not to validate that I know it, but to be able to guide my students as to what to expect. Maybe I should ‘violate community standards’ (spoiler alert: I didn’t) more often!

  • Day 5

    I am more than halfway through the first week of my diet. Woohoo!

    Yesterday was a pretty good day, owing partly to the fact that I was able to smoke cigars (which I had not expected). I was also really pleased that my friend came over, as it is nice to spend time with him. When I went on the program the first time around, he was one of very few people who knew about it and knew most of the details. He was supportive then, and I am sure he will be supportive once again.

    I got to the end of the day, and I was a bit hungry, and could have done with another protein bar. I decided against it, making it the fourth day in a row that I was able to make it to the end without cheating. I feel quite accomplished for it, as I know how hard it is… and that I had only given myself about a 30% chance of making it through one week. Knowing that I am now more than halfway through the first week feels good.

    My diet buddy texted me this morning to tell me that she faltered. I talked her through it and told her that the next time she feels week and tempted she should call me. She promised that she will. Unfortunately, as I was told at the bariatric clinic where I first went through the program, the statistics of people sticking to the program, and then keeping the weight off long-term, are not good. If both of us succeed that will mean that in our very small sampling, we have a 100% success rate. I hope we do both succeed… but I know that I am planning on it!

    Let’s review yesterday: I essentially worked all day, save for the 90 minutes Eduardo was here. My work project ended on a positive and successful note, which was certainly not a certainty. I was able to stick to my diet, and I drank in excess of 200oz of water. I definitely wore a path from my desk to the restroom.

    After two discouraging days, the scale this morning was finally down from yesterday… significantly. There are reasons (which I have mentioned) that we are discouraged from weighing ourselves daily. I am relieved that I was able to stay the course so that this morning the numbers would be positive.

    Numbers on the scale aside, I will not really consider myself to be making serious progress on the program until I feel more comfortable in my fat clothes. There is no reason that my belly should be hanging out of a 3XL shirt; when that’s over then I’ll start to smile about my progress.

    My Day 5 entry from 2019 shows that I was stressed at work, and that my ankle was bothering me in a Taekwondo class. I also spent a lot of time discussing how embarrassed I was that my belly was hanging out of a shirt. I suppose that correlation is pretty clear!

  • How Am I?

    It is important when embarking on a weight-loss journey to remember that while numbers on a scale are a sign of weight loss, they are only one of many signs of real improvement. As such, I want to take a few moments to discuss my current state of wellness, fitness, and being so that, over time, I can measure the real successes I hope to achieve.

    In November (two months ago yesterday, to be precise) I broke my ankle, and at the same time I wrenched my knee. While I do not know to what extent my weight caused the actual injury, I am certain that the healing time – especially of my knee – has taken much longer than it might have had I been slimmer. The injury also prevented me from walking (even walking my dog) for six weeks, and so whatever momentum I might have had was lost. In short, I feel like a lump. More on that in a bit.

    I do not remember how it was before my injury, but right now it is hard to stand up. I don’t mean that once I am up I have issues, but getting up – whether it be from bed or from a chair – is quite difficult. Sometimes it is painful on my knee, sometimes it is just that I feel like I am lifting a weight that is too heavy. How appropriate, right? I am indeed too heavy.

    I feel sluggish all the time. I never have enough energy to get through the day. I am always tired, but at the same time I never sleep well. I find I am taking more naps during the day than I ever did before.

    Clothes

    My clothes are disgusting. I don’t mean they are not stylish or torn or anything… they are just too big, and at that, even some of my fattest clothes do not fit properly.

    When I relocated from California back to Canada, I had friends pack up and ship everything from my apartment. Fortunately, they did not use the discretion I gave them to throw out the huge bag of ‘fat clothes’ that I had put aside to donate but never had. They literally shipped all of the clothes that I had gone through ranging from my fattest to my slimmest – at the time a range of 105lbs. That means that, with regard to pants (as an example), I have pants ranging in size from 44 to 36. That is a huge range! I also have Size 44 pants that I cannot wear – different pants are cut differently of course, and the pants with either a slightly slimmer cut, or those that do not have any give/stretch in the waist do not currently fit me.

    When I was my heaviest before, I was usually wearing shirts that were a size 3XL. As I lost most of the weight the last time, I was so excited that I was wearing XL shirts. None of those XL shirts come close to fitting right now… and I even have some 3XL shirts that do not fit. I refuse to order anything larger. The result is that a lot of the time my belly is hanging out of my shirt – the number one sign that someone is fat and has probably given up. I have in fact not given up… I just refuse to buy larger clothes for fear that if I get comfortable in them, I won’t start to diet.

    Yes, every day that I get dressed I am not only uncomfortable with my clothes, I am outright disgusted by them. I suppose I was hoping that having to wear shirts that made my belly hang out would help force me to diet. It took a couple of months, but that was certainly a big contributing factor to it.

    As the weather in Canada got cooler as winter approached, I was more than a little distraught to realize that my 3XL winter jacket was too tight to zip up. I had to order a new 4XL jacket. And yes, when I say ‘had to order’ I mean that I went to the Columbia outlet shop in Niagara to try on jackets, only to discover that the largest size they carried was a 3XL… which did not fit me. Let’s put aside for the moment that I had to buy a 4XL anything, it also cost me over $300… and if you have never endured a Canadian winter let me assure you that it was not a luxury.

    General Well-Being

    I am out of breath nearly constantly. I don’t mean that I am sitting at my desk wheezing… but if I get up to go do something, I am breathing hard, and would need a few minutes at rest for my breathing (and I suppose my heart rate) to return to normal. I would assume that my heartrate is higher, even at rest.

    I do not remember it being this difficult before my ankle and knee injury, but it is difficult to put my shoes and socks on. Additionally, it is much more difficult to pick up after Princess Sophie – I suppose before my injury I wouldn’t have had as much of a problem, but now that I am favouring a knee that is in nearly constant pain, I know that bending down (around an overly large belly, and on one bad and two stiff knees) is difficult. Yes, I am still picking up after her… I’m just saying that it is much harder than it used to be.

    It is hard to get comfortable to go to sleep. That is a combination of the extremely obese upper body, and a knee that is painful (and for some reason in more pain when lying down than when sitting or standing up… or even than walking).

    Embarrassing Stuff

    I wrote a whole section on this, but have decided that I will not share it with the world. While I am sure some of you are saddened that you are not getting the juicy details, let me reassure you that the 450 words cut from here are none of your business!

    Conclusion

    As I go through the next few days, I have no doubt that I will think of other things that I should add to this list, and I will do so. Really, it is not much more complicated than this: I feel neither healthy nor good being morbidly obese. I am embarrassed, I am uncomfortable. I have trouble walking as I used to, I have trouble lifting my legs to get in and out of the shower. I hate that my clothes do not fit and am more than mildly embarrassed to have huge tubs filled with clothes that will not fit at all until I have lost weight. Carrying the weight around – even in a sitting position – tires me out.

    It is time to lose the weight – all of it. Let’s go.