Losing a part of me

Category: Cuba

  • Day 84

    I regained half a pound from yesterday, but that is not surprising, knowing that I had lost over a pound over the last few days. I am still maintaining below 350 lbs, which is confidence inspiring. It means that what I have been doing is working.

    It is likely that before I finish this article, My Weight Loss Diary 2022 will hit eighty thousand words… not to mention the 120 pages that I am glad are not on paper. It is the third journal I have started over the past five years, which would be filling well over five hundred pages if I were to ever print them all out. I would not be worried about all of that paper if I knew that I could inspire readers with huge success; as it is, with two failed attempts behind me (which is to say, I have lost over one hundred pounds twice and gained them all back twice), I would consider it a waste of paper and dead trees to print them out.

    Yes, I am a little fatalistic this morning. While they do say that the third time is a charm, I also know that I have been addicted to food – primarily, the wrong foods – for far too long. I know that I have to not only succeed at the diet now, but I have to then find a way to maintain the weight loss for the rest of my life. Even if I do not get back to my absolute ideal weight, I cannot slip back into my old ways. In September of 2020 – less than two years ago – I weighed 260 pounds. I was still about sixty pounds overweight, but I was also ninety pounds (more or less) lighter than I am today… and a good one hundred and thirty pounds lighter than I was on Day 1. Okay, I fell off the program… but instead of finding a way to maintain my weight, I slipped back into my old unhealthy ways. Yes, there were all sorts of stresses that can explain why it happened… Yes, I lost my job, and yes, I lost my visa status (although to be fair, I did not realize that at the time). Yes, my father passed away. Yes, I ended up very suddenly and unexpectedly moving back to Canada. All of those were terrible things… but I still should have found a way to not fall back into my old ways.

    A little over a month ago, I had a terrible day. It was not yet noon when I told Leslie that I was off the diet for the day. I went to Wendy’s and got a burger and fries. I can’t remember what else I ate that day, but I ate a lot more that day. I was bad. I was terrible. The next morning, as I had told her I would, I was back on track. I did exactly what I should have done in September, 2020… I had a cheat day, and then I got right back onto the horse. In September 2020 after the Jewish High Holidays, the rabbi gathered his volunteers (of which I was one) and gave us all cookies and tequila. I figured, “What the Hell? It’s only one night!” I then went to the supermarket and picked up fried chicken for dinner. Only the special was however many pieces for five dollars, and that was enough for a few meals. I ate it that night, the following night, and the next night as well… and my diet was done. The downward spiral began and did not stop until January of this year… one hundred and thirty pounds later.

    I cannot let that happen again. I need to stay focused, but if I lose my way for a day, I have to get right back onto the horse… not the next week, rather the next day. I have to keep on track. That is the only way I will ever be able to lose the weight and keep it off permanently. That is my goal.

    I wrote about my food intake for yesterday last night. During the lectures, I went through a bunch of sugar-free lozenges. I suspect that despite them being sugar-free, they will still be bad for my weight loss. No matter, they helped to stave off my hunger until I got over the emotional roller coaster. During the dinner break, as planned, I had my last shake of the evening. At our last break, I was truly hungry, and I had one of the meal-replacement bars (160 calories instead of the 225 in the shakes), but that won’t kill me. I drank more water throughout the evening than I have been doing, and so my rest room breaks were more frequent than they have been.

    I made the decision, and have discussed it with Leslie, that I will be taking a hiatus from my diet while we are in Cuba. More accurately, from the time I pick her up from the airport the night before we leave until the time I drop her off at the airport after we are back, I will be mindful of what I eat, but I will not be dieting. That means that I can eat and drink freely in Cuba… I just want to be careful not to gain too much back. I also need to promise myself that immediately upon after that time period I get back on the wagon, which means the morning of May 18th I will be back on the program. That happens to be the day that HRF Princess Sophie goes to the spa, but that is not important. The diet resumes that morning!

  • Day 64

    Another day of following the prescribed regimen, and once again the bathroom scale is down. I am quite pleased with that, but more important, I am feeling lighter today. The shirt that I am wearing, which a month ago had my belly hanging out, is now much more comfortable. It is a good day to be going to the tailor to be fitted for a few custom dress shirts and pants, and possibly a vest and even a sport jacket. I will not be buying a suit at this time, but the rest I am ready for. I will not spend thousands of dollars at the tailor… but it is likely that I will spend more than $1000. I’ll be sure to take my American credit cards!

    Something that has been weighing on my mind is an issue that I only realized fully the last time I had lost most of my weight. At a certain point, if I do lose all of the weight, I am going to have a lot of excess skin and might need cosmetic surgery to remove it. If I am ever going to have the body that I really want to have, then that is a reality that I am going to have to face. I have been obese since very shortly after I got out of the Army, which is now over twenty-five years ago. It was a nice thought that my skin would bounce back because I was young… I am not so young anymore. I have never liked the idea of cosmetic surgery, but I remember how much of that skin was left – in my belly, in my chest – and I will not want to spend the rest of my life with it. Also, if I do go through that, then maybe I can look at the surgery as a delineation point – WAS fat, AM slim. Maybe that will be the daily reminder of why I cannot eat like I once did.

    I have my check-in meeting with my diet buddy this afternoon. It will be our first meeting in three weeks – she was off traipsing around Yukon… if traipsing is something that one does in the Great White North. According to her words, she needs to debrief. I suspect that while my last couple of weeks have seen me down, she will not have been so successful. That is not uncommon when one is on vacation. I have already decided that when Leslie and I are in Cuba, I will be suspending my diet program. That does not mean that I will not try to eat sensibly, but I will not be taking meal replacements with me. I rather suspect that eating sensibly in the tropics, where fresh fruits and salads make up a good part of the diet, will be easier than eating sensibly north of 60°, where a head of lettuce can cost $20.

    For those of you who are wondering if it would even be possible to stay on my meal-replacements-only program at an all-inclusive resort in Cuba, the answer is yes… and I know that because I have done it. In 2017, when I first went through the program, Eduardo and I spent a week at the Be Live Turquesas resort in Varadero, which is only a couple of kilometres from the resort Leslie and I will be at. I had four meal replacement shakes per day, and whenever someone asked if I wanted a drink, or if I wanted to join them for a snack, I just told them I was recovering from a bit of a stomach bug, and I was taking it easy. I remember the fear when we went into Havana, and I thought that I had forgotten my shakes at the hotel (in Varadero). I was so relieved when I discovered at the restaurant that I had not in fact forgotten them. I do not plan to subject myself – or Leslie – to that stress. I will be eating in Cuba, and when I come back, I will continue from where I left off.

    It is interesting… when I started this journey (again), I was reading my old journals from 2017 and 2019 nearly every day. I stopped doing that after maybe ten days or so… but thinking back on that trip, I decided to open up my first journal. Days 26-34 were spent in Cuba, and I got through it. It is amazing to look back on a trip like that and realize that I lost 3-4 pounds during that week. Okay, it is hard to be precise, because I had only registered my weigh-in six days prior to the trip. The first time I went through the program, I did it through a hospital bariatric clinic, and was not getting onto a bathroom scale. I was only registering my weight when they weighed me. On Day 21 I had lost 33 pounds, and by Day 35 I had lost 41 pounds. For those of you keeping track, I am currently on Day 64, and have not yet lost the full 40 pounds… but I am not on the same strict program that I was on, and I cannot expect to see the same drastic results. Yes, I plan to achieve the same results (minus the long, slow descent back into obesity), but it will take longer.

    Tomorrow morning, I am driving to Montreal for the weekend. I am looking forward to seeing my friends, but I am also looking forward to the relaxing alone time in the car. I will switch off between podcasts and the audiobook that I am listening to (remember when they were called books on tape? I am getting old!) and podcasts, and I will be smoking cigars as I like. I will do my best to not cheat on the program, which means that I will be taking a good number of meal replacement bars with me. Still and all, I know that I cannot follow the program the way I normally would, and I am hoping that when I weigh myself on Tuesday, I will not be more than a pound off from what I weigh tomorrow. Here’s hoping!

    While it is cloudy out, the temperatures are going to 11°c, and the wind does not seem so bad. When I get back from the tailor, I will be enjoying a cigar on the balcony.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 52

    Yesterday was a day of positives all around. As expected, I worked for a few hours before starting my weekend a bit early. I had a nice salad, and then I went to pick up a couple of boxes of shakes from someone in Hamilton who was selling them off. I then stopped into Costco to pick up some cans of salmon… and ended up with $200 worth of stuff that I mostly need but some that I do not… I am not sure, for example, what I will ever do with 1000 packets of sweetener. I did buy chicken thighs, and when I returned home, I immediately separated the 27 thighs into Ziplock bags (3 per bag) and put them into the freezer. I bought some vegetables (onions, cucumbers, and tomatoes… and yes, I know they are actually a fruit but shaddup), and a few other things. While the quantities are a bit silly, I won’t have to worry about not being able to sweeten my coffee through the year 2025.

    When I got home, I realized that the two boxes of shakes that I bought (at a slightly inflated price) were actually four boxes of shakes. I texted the woman I bought them from and told her it was an honest mistake, and that I would transfer her the money immediately. She thanked me and refused and told me they were a gift. That was very sweet of her! We had a great conversation while I was there, and it was never my intention to short her. What was originally an inflated price turned out to be a bargain! Suddenly the drive was really worth it, despite the stupid price of gasoline.

    It was a beautiful afternoon. While it snowed all day, it was still reasonably mild. I sat out on the patio and enjoyed two cigars – one in the afternoon (a Partagas Serie D No. 4 from 2019) which was fabulous, and one later in the evening (a Davidoff Robusto Supremo that Leslie brought me in November). I do not remember the order, but during that time I had great video conversations with a couple of friends, with my girlfriend, and with my cousins in Florida. It was mostly positive, except to find out that my buddy and his wife will not be joining Leslie and me on vacation in May.

    Speaking of which, the trip is booked! We are flying out of Toronto the afternoon of May 10, and under four hours later we will be in sunny Varadero, Cuba. Leslie has never been on a truly relaxing, no-obligations, no-stress vacation before, and as I told her last night, I am on a mission from G-d to ensure that she has the greatest week of her life. We will take a daytrip into Habana to see friends and whatnot, but aside from that we will have no obligations beyond relaxation, enjoyment, and fun in the sun. fifty-nine days and counting!

    I got to speak with a buddy in Havana last night, which was also very nice. We will spend a day with him and his girlfriend. He told me that we can send the girlfriends off to shop while we go hunting for cigars. I laughed and told him that if he thinks that then he does not know my girlfriend, who will be every bit as excited hunting cigars as I will be; more, in fact… I’ve done the rounds of Habana cigar shops myriad times, and this will be her first time! You never forget your first time…

    The weather today is not as nice as yesterday, so I do not expect to spend much time on the patio. I might see if a friend wants to smoke in his garage, just to give me something to do today. Otherwise, I will be sitting at home and watching TV on my iPad, which still does not sound like a bad way to spend a lazy day!

    On the weight loss front, I am down a couple of pounds from yesterday! I am excited about that. A buddy asked if I wanted to drive to Niagara for Brazilian Rodizio or Buffalo wings, and I told him that they are both against my diet, and that I need to preserve my figure to fit into my bikini in Cuba. Good for a laugh, but in all seriousness, be mentioned two of my favourite food groups and I turned him down flat. I must be serious about this weight loss thing.

    Tomorrow I am taking my kids for brunch, and I will be eating. I plan to be good – breakfast and brunch are very dangerous meals because of all of the carbs and starches… I will have something good (maybe an omelet or a salad) while my kids eat their hearts out. It is not often that my older son calls me and wants to get together, so I am excited about that.

    There isn’t much else to say… I’m going to take it easy, catch up on my TV, and enjoy the day. I hope you enjoy it too!