Losing a part of me

I regained half a pound from yesterday, but that is not surprising, knowing that I had lost over a pound over the last few days. I am still maintaining below 350 lbs, which is confidence inspiring. It means that what I have been doing is working.

It is likely that before I finish this article, My Weight Loss Diary 2022 will hit eighty thousand words… not to mention the 120 pages that I am glad are not on paper. It is the third journal I have started over the past five years, which would be filling well over five hundred pages if I were to ever print them all out. I would not be worried about all of that paper if I knew that I could inspire readers with huge success; as it is, with two failed attempts behind me (which is to say, I have lost over one hundred pounds twice and gained them all back twice), I would consider it a waste of paper and dead trees to print them out.

Yes, I am a little fatalistic this morning. While they do say that the third time is a charm, I also know that I have been addicted to food – primarily, the wrong foods – for far too long. I know that I have to not only succeed at the diet now, but I have to then find a way to maintain the weight loss for the rest of my life. Even if I do not get back to my absolute ideal weight, I cannot slip back into my old ways. In September of 2020 – less than two years ago – I weighed 260 pounds. I was still about sixty pounds overweight, but I was also ninety pounds (more or less) lighter than I am today… and a good one hundred and thirty pounds lighter than I was on Day 1. Okay, I fell off the program… but instead of finding a way to maintain my weight, I slipped back into my old unhealthy ways. Yes, there were all sorts of stresses that can explain why it happened… Yes, I lost my job, and yes, I lost my visa status (although to be fair, I did not realize that at the time). Yes, my father passed away. Yes, I ended up very suddenly and unexpectedly moving back to Canada. All of those were terrible things… but I still should have found a way to not fall back into my old ways.

A little over a month ago, I had a terrible day. It was not yet noon when I told Leslie that I was off the diet for the day. I went to Wendy’s and got a burger and fries. I can’t remember what else I ate that day, but I ate a lot more that day. I was bad. I was terrible. The next morning, as I had told her I would, I was back on track. I did exactly what I should have done in September, 2020… I had a cheat day, and then I got right back onto the horse. In September 2020 after the Jewish High Holidays, the rabbi gathered his volunteers (of which I was one) and gave us all cookies and tequila. I figured, “What the Hell? It’s only one night!” I then went to the supermarket and picked up fried chicken for dinner. Only the special was however many pieces for five dollars, and that was enough for a few meals. I ate it that night, the following night, and the next night as well… and my diet was done. The downward spiral began and did not stop until January of this year… one hundred and thirty pounds later.

I cannot let that happen again. I need to stay focused, but if I lose my way for a day, I have to get right back onto the horse… not the next week, rather the next day. I have to keep on track. That is the only way I will ever be able to lose the weight and keep it off permanently. That is my goal.

I wrote about my food intake for yesterday last night. During the lectures, I went through a bunch of sugar-free lozenges. I suspect that despite them being sugar-free, they will still be bad for my weight loss. No matter, they helped to stave off my hunger until I got over the emotional roller coaster. During the dinner break, as planned, I had my last shake of the evening. At our last break, I was truly hungry, and I had one of the meal-replacement bars (160 calories instead of the 225 in the shakes), but that won’t kill me. I drank more water throughout the evening than I have been doing, and so my rest room breaks were more frequent than they have been.

I made the decision, and have discussed it with Leslie, that I will be taking a hiatus from my diet while we are in Cuba. More accurately, from the time I pick her up from the airport the night before we leave until the time I drop her off at the airport after we are back, I will be mindful of what I eat, but I will not be dieting. That means that I can eat and drink freely in Cuba… I just want to be careful not to gain too much back. I also need to promise myself that immediately upon after that time period I get back on the wagon, which means the morning of May 18^th I will be back on the program. That happens to be the day that HRF Princess Sophie goes to the spa, but that is not important. The diet resumes that morning!