Losing a part of me

Category: Diet

  • Day 69

    After the disaster that was the weekend, I am happy to report that I did not veer from my program at all on Monday. A shake for breakfast and for my evening snack, a salad for lunch, and chicken with a salad for dinner. I went to bed a little peckish, but overall, I am happy with how the day went. I only wish it was not quite so cold, or I might have been able to go out for a walk.

    HRF Princess Sophie came home right about the time I was set to start teaching, and she had eaten and been for her walk. I suspect she was tired from a fun-filled weekend with Natalie… we had a wonderful reunion (as we always do), and then she spent most of the evening in her daybed supervising as I taught, until it was time to move into the real bed for a proper night’s sleep with Daddy. I won’t lie… I have missed having her next to me at night. She gave me a little bit of love, but mostly lay down at the foot of the bed. I think she is a wee bit upset with me that I left her for three days.

    The bathroom scale is heading in the right direction again, but I know it will probably take a week to recover the progress that I lost in just a few days.

    It is not fair. Over the course of three days, I did not eat well but I also did not eat too badly, and yet I still gained something like four pounds. It is now going to take at least a week of assiduous dieting to lose those four pounds. That is simply unfair. The math simply does not work. Let’s be honest: If I had gorged myself on some of my favourite foods – Montreal Smoked Meat, Buffalo Wings, Pizza, and things like that – then I would understand. I just do not see how it is fair that I ate a little bad and have to pay for it for so long. Where’s your manager? I would like to file a complaint!

    Okay, let’s get down to it. I am going to stick to the program again today, and hopefully get back down to where I was… before I can continue to move forward.

    Once again, I am reminded that I just do not understand women. I just don’t get them. I don’t think I ever will. FML.

    I was going to write about some of the non-scale victories I have noticed over the last few days, but all of a sudden, I just don’t feel like writing so screw it.

    Have a great day.

  • Day 68

    How do I fall so far so easily? It is because food is an addiction, and it is a very difficult one to rein in.

    Yesterday I started with a meal replacement before I headed to Stephane’s house. We stopped at the cemetery to pay respects to my father’s grave. We then dropped something off for his daughter and then picked up a friend in Dorval before we drove to St. Jean Sur Richelieu, where we spent the afternoon enjoying cigars with our buddy Sam. Abi decided to bring a bag full of snacks along – nuts, but also chocolates and stuff like that. He offered us some in the car, and while Stephane took a candy bar, I was good.

    At Sam’s house, he had several bottles out, and asked me to take a dram of a local whisky made with maple. I should have refused, knowing how high the sugar content must be. He also put out a tray of what he referred to as moose sausage that his apprentice made for him. Knowing that moose meat is usually lean, I took a couple of pieces. It was only when he explained that the sausage maker uses a lot of pork products in the ‘moose sausage’ that I realized how big a mistake I made. I cannot un-eat the pork products, and I felt horrible about it the rest of the day.

    How did this horrible feeling manifest? Here’s what else I ended up eating, both while we were at Sam’s, and later on my drive back home (yes, I drove back to Burlington last night):

    · A couple of dried apricots

    · A lot of honey roasted almonds

    · Too many peanuts

    · A chocolate chip cookie

    · A mixed shawarma plate (but as before, I did not have the potatoes or rice)

    · Two meal replacement bars

    It was a victory that I did not go for one of the chocolate bars… but I was feeling bad about it… even though it was not at the forefront of my consciousness. In fact, when Leslie asked me during the drive (a few times) how I was doing, I did not once think to say ‘You know what, I accidentally ate pork product, and I feel terrible about it. Trust me, I felt horrible… but it was not top of mind.

    To add insult to the injury, this morning I read my rabbi’s most recent d’var Torah, which was all about eating kosher, and why we do it.

    To pile it on, the bathroom scale had me three pounds up from Friday… no shock there.

    Today I have to get back on track. I have defrosted chicken for dinner, and I will have my salad for lunch. I am hoping that it works out for me. I have to do better!

    Have a great day!

  • Day 53

    Saturday was another good day, if not a great diet day. When Ryan called and asked if I wanted to drive out to Cambridge for a cigar, I packed Her Floofness into the car and we drove out there. Three cigars were no problem; the peanuts were not a good choice, but I forgot to bring meal replacements. Glen (Ryan’s dad) insisted I stay for dinner, and as they were having a chicken Caesar salad, I did not see the harm. There was way more dressing on the salad than was strictly necessary, and I was surprised that the lettuce maintained its structural integrity. I also could not resist the homemade garlic bread. All in all, not the worst cheat day… but I have to remember to bring my meal replacements with me when I go out for more than a couple of hours.

    The bathroom scale was once again generous this morning; if it can be trusted, I have lost ten pounds since last Saturday… although how accurate that is I do not know. Still and all, I am feeling a little better than I was. There is one last pair of pants that I have not fit into yet; I think I will try them on this afternoon to see if I am any closer to success with them. They are the last pair in Size 44 that did not fit; once they do, my next goal will be the Size 42 bin! Both of those will be tremendous non-scale victories.

    My sons asked me to take them for brunch today, and so in a few minutes they will arrive here, and we will head out to the restaurant. They generally like a particular chain that is originally from Quebec, but I have grown tired of it over the years. I recommended my regular (pre-diet) breakfast establishment, and after they perused the menu, they both agreed that it would do. I only hope the wait is not too long. The weather is supposed to warm up today, but as we are now (10:00am Sunday morning) my face felt like it was freezing off on the last few minutes of the walk with HRF. Because of the pandemic, when you arrive at the restaurant you give your name, and then you wait outside for them to call you. We would obviously wait in the car, but I am hoping we don’t have to that for too long.

    Leslie and I had another conversation about Cuba last night. She told me originally that she was not going to get too excited about the trip; I suspect she is losing that fight with herself. It probably does not hurt that I keep talking to her about how relaxing the trip will be!

    I am hoping that the weather will warm up enough so that this afternoon I will be able to comfortably sit outside with a cigar, and if it is I have some reading to do to prepare for a conversation I have to have this week. If not, then I will sit inside and do the same reading… it just won’t be quite as enjoyable.

    The kids just walked in so we are heading out. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 43

    The beginning of Week 7, and I am not sure that I am on the right track. I know, I should not be expecting the meteoric weight loss that I experienced when I did the program religiously, but I wonder if I have taken too many liberties with it. I will spend another week or so trying to follow my hybrid program fully, and if I do not resume my weight loss, then it is time to re-think things.

    Don’t get me wrong… I am still about 30 lbs down from where I started. However, as I have been doing the program without much direct supervision, I have to wonder if the slow (or sometimes stalled) weight loss progress is because I am trying to follow the program half-assed, or if it is just normal to not be seeing the weight completely melt away the way it does when I am on the full program.

    If my foot was terrible yesterday, it is better (but not healed) today. I am going to stick with the Naproxen and hope that the pain abates completely over the next couple of days. Either way, I am going to speak with my doctor next week (I am seeing him anyways) about getting a prescription for Colchicine, which unlike the Naproxen is specifically made for this. Of course, it also means that I am going to have to take it for the rest of my life, just like my father did.

    In addition to my thoughts, I think I have to start tracking everything that I eat. I do not want to get to the point where I am ingesting too many calories to lose weight, but do not realize it because I am not paying attention. I’ll use the MyFitnessPal app for that and see what it looks like at the end. I also need to be drinking more water… I am not going through nearly enough, and that is probably another reason for both the stagnating weight loss and the gout.

    The weather today is colder than the last couple of days. In fact, it is the only day on the 10-day forecast that the high temperature will not reach above the freezing point. Nonetheless, if the wind dies down, I will try to enjoy a cigar on the balcony in the afternoon. If not, I guess I am home bound. With HRF Princess Sophie to keep me company, there are worse fates

    My plans for the day: Stay the course. Salad for lunch, chicken for dinner. Meal replacement bars in the mid-afternoon and mid-evening. Drink a lot of water. Lose weight.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 40

    Today is the fortieth day of my diet. I am feeling better, my clothes are fitting better. I do not feel like a new person, but I do seem to have more energy than I did at my heaviest. I have a long way to go.

    Yesterday was not a good day for my diet. While I passed the greatest challenge (not eating any of my son’s pizza or cheesy bread), I did have a lot of chicken for dinner, and a bag of popcorn. I do not know if it was simply because I miss Leslie (who I drove to the airport yesterday afternoon), or if I just slipped. It is likely the former. Today I have to do better.

    Someone responded to a post of mine on Facebook telling me not to diet, that moderation is the key. She wrote:

    “Don’t diet. I always eat pizza fries ice cream chocolate etc. It’s the portion that matters not the food. A diet isn’t sustainable and why people gain everything back and some. Eat enjoy move on. Now that’s self-love and life.”

    I wanted to say something much harsher, but opted for the following response:

    “The preceding message works fine for people who are 10-15lbs overweight. If (as I am) you are morbidly obese, please consult medical professionals (as I have), and not people who do not understand what REAL weight issues are.”

    Believe me, the first three responses that I typed were much ruder.

    I cannot stand people trying to give me weight loss advice. Everyone seems to think they know the secret. Let me let you in on a little secret: If there was one magic bullet to lose a lot of weight and keep it off, the entire world would be slim. Hey friend, I know your heart is in the right place, but kindly keep your extremely unwelcome unsolicited advice to yourself.

    That, incidentally, is good advice for anyone who is tempted to give weight-loss advice to anyone who is overweight, and who did not ask for it. If we wanted your advice, we would have asked for it. Yes, there is the extremely small percentage of people who do not know how to ask for help, and there might even be people who will be grateful for it… although I doubt it. To help you understand, this is the conversation:

    You: “Oh, I see you are having trouble losing weight. What you should do is this. I promise it will just melt off!”

    Fat Guy/Girl: “Thank you. I will consider that.”

    But here’s the thing: What Fat Guy/Girl is thinking is: “You know what, you sanctimonious prick? I did not ask for your advice, I do not want your advice, and any implication that there is a simple way to lose this much weight implies you think that I am weak and a failure, and without your help I cannot succeed. Do you think I like being morbidly obese? Do you think I do it because it is fun, or because of how attractive it makes me to the opposite sex? You asshole, I am fat because of either psychological or physiological reasons that are none of your damned business… and if they were, I would have shared them with you long since. Also, Ass: Do you think you are the first person to tell me the secret to weight loss? You are not in the top 20. Guess what? Most of you are giving me different advice. You know what the only thing all of you have in common? I did not ask for your advice, I do not want your advice, and it is a shame that it is illegal for me to punch you in the face for giving me your advice.

    Let me make this clear. While there may be others, these are the most obvious categories of overweight people:

    1. People who are happy being overweight. While this is probably the rarest of them, it is a thing.

    2. People who are unhappy being overweight but have not started trying to lose weight.

    3. People who are unhappy being overweight and who have tried and failed to lose weight.

    4. People who are unhappy being overweight and who have lost the weight then regained the weight, often several times.

    There are others, I am sure. Unless someone from any of these categories says to you “Hey, friend… I know you are slim, and I am not, and I would like your advice on how I can become more like you” then they do not want your advice.

    As a bonus, talking about their weight issues is always counterproductive. Guess what? They will know… and it will discourage them more. Your gossiping about their weight problems is just mean and makes you sound like you are still in high school.

    You might know what the psychological trauma they faced is, you may not. Yes, everyone knows I was in the Army, and some people know (or have an idea of) what I went through. Fewer people know about my childhood. You might know it all, you might know none of it. It doesn’t matter. Unless I ask you for your advice, mind your own damned business.

    For the record: Every time you tell an overweight person that the key to life is moderation and portion control, most of them want to reach for a large all-dressed pizza, a double-cheeseburger with a side of fries, or a large plate of deep-fried breaded wings dripping with sauce. If we don’t do that, it is not because of you… any more than if we do that it is because of you. Our weight gain may have many causes, but as adults, we are responsible for it; nobody forced me to make a huge plate of extra-creamy pasta with meats and cheeses and a large plate of garlic bread. I am fat because of me.

    Now please understand the corollary of that: If we eat healthy, successfully practice the self-control that we all need, and we do lose weight, we get the credit… not you.

    Have a great day. I’m going to have my lunch, and then I need a cigar before class starts.

  • Day 34

    I am going to the doctor’s office to get weighed today. I do not think that it will be a successful attempt, as I still think my weight is over the upper limit of the scale. However, knowing that my bathroom floor will not allow me to take an accurate reading (and that it might be up or down fifteen pounds!) I decided to go anyways and see.

    My evening class is going well, and with the exception of IPv6 I am extremely comfortable with the material I am teaching now. DHCP and DNS are two topics that I have been lecturing on for over fifteen years, and frankly the changes to them over the years have been minor.

    I was mostly good on the program yesterday… I had a salad with canned salmon for lunch, but for the evening meal I bought and prepared salmon tails for Leslie and I (as well as making a large salad). I put them into the air fryer with lemon juice, a little salt, pepper, oregano, and dill. I air-fried them at 400°F for 11 minutes and plated them alone (opting to serve the salad in separate bowls. I brought the lemon juice to the table to allow for extra flavours, and the result was fabulous. I daresay, I seldom choose to prepare fish for dinner, but it really is an easy dish to prepare. The only cheat that I had yesterday was a slice of all-beef salami.

    For this evening Leslie is marinating chicken, and I know that if she is making it then I will love it. She is a really good cook. She asked me last night over dinner where I had learned to cook, and I gave her a bit of a rundown… yes, the genesis was in my mother’s house, but I cooked for myself ever since the Army, and on several occasions have even cooked for others. My repertoire is not too extensive, but I have a base that I can go to pretty easily. She told me that she asked because her ex was none too handy in the kitchen, and she does not want her son to get to the age of thirty without knowing how to make a sandwich. I told her about my grandfather, who after my grandmother went into the home would eat cans of anchovies for dinner because he did not know how to make anything else. I told her about my father, who I was certain would never leave my mother because he did not know how to make toast. I told her that I do not want to be that guy, and that I want to be able to eat well without having to eat out or order in every meal. I may not be able to make a lot of things, and what I do make is not complicated… but everything tastes good, and there is enough that I could make a different meal for every day of the week if I had to.

    —

    I am back from the doctor, and I am still several pounds above what their primary scale can measure… but they have a secondary scale that measured me at about what my bathroom scale has me at, if we take into account the weight of my clothes. I am unhappy to be this heavy, and I am certainly unhappy with the slower rate of progress (over my two previous attempts at this program); with that said, it is firstly possible that because of the floor/scale issues at the apartment I started out heavier that I recorded, and secondly, I need to remember that I have not been as religious with the program as I was the first two times. I might have already lost 40 lbs, who knows?

    I have a few hours to kill before I teach this evening, and I am going to spend most of that time on the balcony smoking cigars. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 32

    It truly feels wonderful having Leslie here. I was so happy that she decided to come, and when her plane arrived nearly 30 minutes early, I was elated! Five minutes after her plane was scheduled to land, she messaged me to say that she had her suitcase and was coming out to the kerb. I was only halfway through the cigar that I had been smoking, which is fine because Leslie loves when I smoke cigars. I finished that cigar on the drive home, rather than lighting a fresh one (which had been the plan).

    I was mostly good on the diet yesterday. I did have a bag of almonds on the way to the airport, but it was a small bag, not the big size I would have bought before the diet. I had my piece of chicken and a bog salad, and then I polished off Leslie’s chicken when she said she was done. None of that is really more than I have been doing on the accepted hybrid program I’ve been on. One last shake in the evening, and I estimate that I might have had 1300 calories yesterday, all healthy ones.

    This morning, I prepared a very nice omelet for Leslie, with all-beef salami, onion, and mushrooms. She loved it, but I did help her to finish it. I did not even have a quarter of it, and with the exception of the salami, it was all very healthy. I do not feel bad about it.

    The plan for today: As long as it is warm enough, Leslie and I are going to spend the evening with our friends Lyle and Dorothy. Lyle will be preparing dinner (he is an award-winning gourmet chef), and I expect that he will make something for me that is within the guidelines of my program. In case he does not, I will have a shake and a shaker bottle with me… just in case. Knowing my friend, I will not need it. He has promised Leslie a gastronomical masterpiece heavy on the mushrooms (Leslie is a fiend for fungi!) and served over a bed of his homemade pasta. While I am sure I will eat well as well, I suspect I might be just a little jealous of what they will be eating!

    The cigars that Leslie brought me were… well, there is no other word for them – spectacular. She brought me two limited edition boxes of Davidoff cigars, plus ten Padron 1964 Anniversary (the Cigars International Cigar of the Year). They are absolutely drool-worthy! We took the pictures, and then we put them nicely into the humidor. We then affixed the new LED light strips that I bought into the door of the humidor. The result is amazing… unless you press the flashing button, at which point it feels like a 70s discotheque (minus the LSD).

    I will stick to the plan today! Again, the plan does not have to be as strictly regimented as I once thought… I can replace a meal-replacement shake with a piece of chicken, and I can have a few bites of Leslie’s scramble (I called it an omelet before; in truth, when I tried to flip it and failed, it transformed into a scramble) without beating myself up over it. The spirit of the program is more important than the rules… no starches, very minimal carbs, and smaller portions. I failed on the portions a couple of times this week, but not today. I’ll stick to it today as well.

    Tomorrow is a holiday in both Ontario (Family Day) and the USA (Presidents’ Day), although I will be teaching my group in the USA from Ontario in the evenings. No matter, I love what I do… and I certainly love knowing I am earning a full salary while on shortened hours at my day job!

    Have a great day, and enjoy your day off tomorrow!

  • Day 31

    As Princess Sophie and I stepped out of the front doors this morning, she was in a way. There was a pile of snow, and she did her business. It took her five seconds. I am unsure if this is because she had been holding it in, or because she realized that this morning might have been the blusteriest morning we have had since she arrived in Canada. For a girl who had spent her first four-plus years living in Southern California… the worst ever. Really, it was not too bad, with the temperatures hovering around -8°c, but with the wind chill it was ten degrees colder than that, and the wind was howling indeed. While the temperatures won’t bother me, I do hope the wind will die down over the next few hours.

    Yesterday was not a good day on the diet. A mix of anxiety and sadness, tinged with the happiness of knowing that today Leslie will be arriving. I just got off the phone with her. She is at the airport waiting to board her plane. I have a few things to do today, but at about 2:30pm I will be in the cell phone waiting lot for her to call me and tell me she has her bag and is meeting me outside. We are both jumping out of our skin! I wish she was coming to better weather; maybe she will bring it with her from Texas.

    I drank more water yesterday, which is important. I have to pay attention to that today, although I will balance it with the fact that from the time I leave home until the time I return will probably be three hours, and I do not want to be looking for a public washroom if I can avoid it. I will take a cup of coffee in the car, which I know will be rather small (I know how big my travel coffee cups are). Before parking in the cell phone lot, I will stop at the nearby Tim Hortons to refill it and will use the washroom there. Hopefully that will be fine until I get home with Leslie.

    Oh, right… I also have to replace one of my propane tanks! I’ll do that before heading to the airport.

    My goal for today is to not cheat on the diet. Yesterday was another bad day, and the only good thing I can say about it is that I have now finished the aged cheddar that was in the house and will not be tempted to buy more. I will be preparing food for Leslie – I love making her breakfast, and I found out recently how meaningful it is to her. She keeps telling me that she does not want me to do anything for her food-wise that I would not be doing for myself, but I am going to do it anyways. Besides… if I take a bite of her omelet, it will not harm my diet.

    For a while this morning, I thought I was coming down with a cold. I realized a while ago that my eyes are dry and itchy, which is usually a symptom of allergies, and not of a cold. I do not know if that is better or worse, but I have taken an allergy pill, and will try to pay attention throughout the day to see if they helped. I know that I will be rather preoccupied later in the day… Leslie’s presence (after nearly two months) will be quite distracting, and I might not pay attention to things like itchy eyes!

    My goal for today: do not break my diet. I want to stay the course, and to get back on track. I know that Leslie’s support will be a big help for me!

    Have a great day folks! Enjoy your weekend!

  • Day 30

    It’s been just about a month, and I am down just under 30 lbs. One pound per day. How could I really be disappointed by that? If I was following the strict program, then it would have been more. I have stated before that I suspect the moderate approach will give me the best chance for long-term success.

    Yesterday I went to prepare a salad with my dinner, only to realize that I had no lettuce… or cucumber, for that matter… but it is the lettuce that is usually the base of the salad. For a minute I considered going shopping, but realized the weather was not quite agreeable to that. Instead, I took the bag of shredded carrots that I had and used them as the base of the salad (rather than an almost-garnish). I chopped tomato and onion onto it, sprinkled some pumpkin seeds, and then a drop of oil and a healthy portion of balsamic vinegar. It was unusual but not unpleasant.

    I think my class is going well. I am enjoying teaching them, although I had a mic blunder yesterday. Prior to class I was speaking with Leslie on the phone. Thinking my computer mic was muted, I told her of two students who I know are phoning it in… they have not done any of their labs, and I do not think they are even sitting through the class. I do not know if they are having their program paid by a government program which mandates they attend… and then I realized my computer mic was hot. I apologized to the group and took the opportunity to remind them that I mark attendance for those who log in, but the school has a record of who is doing the labs and who completes them, and that is out of my hands.

    —

    I was halfway through this morning’s entry when my phone dinged. A buddy was downstairs waiting to come up. I haven’t seen him in a couple of years, and it was great to sit and chat with him. The original purpose of his visit was to bring some cigars that I was buying from him, and we sat outside and enjoyed a beautiful cigar. Despite the chill, it is a beautiful sunny day, and we had the heater going. Once it was too cold to continue, we sat inside with another cup of coffee discussing cigars and golf and dogs and whatever else we wanted to. I really enjoy it when friends come to visit. I do not mind smoking alone, but cigars are a social lubricant best enjoyed with friends – old or new.

    Something that I have to be more mindful of is my water intake. The fact that I have been drinking a lot of coffee does not change the fact that I need to drink a lot of water, and I know that I have been neglectful of that the last week – since driving to Montreal, I suppose. If there is one thing you do not want to do when you have a six hour drive it is to drink so much water that you need to stop to pee every fifty kilometers. Leslie asked me about it Wednesday, and I confessed that I was not drinking as much as I should. I have tried to remedy that, and am so grateful for her help!

    I suppose I do not have a lot to report today. I have to go shopping now – I am woefully short of salad fixings, and I am out of chicken as well. When I come home, I will prepare a meal, and I will likely sit outside to finish the cigar that I left over. I am a firm believer that you finish a cigar in one sitting, and if you let it sit too long it goes bad. The 2-3 hours that this one will have been sitting should not be too rough, but if it is, I will just pick a new stick.

    I always look forward to the weekend (as does everyone, I suppose), but knowing that tomorrow Leslie is coming I am looking forward to it even more. It is so exciting knowing that my baby will be in my arms in just over 24 hours. I have mentioned before that she is very supportive of my diet, and I have been trying to make her understand that just because I am on this program does not mean that she has to be. As such, I made a date for us to spend the evening with Lyle and Dorothy on Sunday. Lyle is a world class chef, and Dorothy is an amazing baker. When we were last there, Lyle discovered that Leslie loves mushrooms, and promised to make her something special on her next visit. The fact that I will not be able to enjoy that something special does not mean that we should not go and spend time with our friends, and yes Leslie should enjoy her mushrooms and homemade pasta and all of that wonderful stuff. Lyle is aware of my dietary restrictions and will likely make me a fabulous piece of chicken or fish to enjoy while they are indulging. I am really looking forward to it… but I saw Lyle last week and Dorothy a couple of weeks ago, and I have not seen my girlfriend since December. I am really looking forward to her visit!

    Wherever you are and whatever you have planned, you enjoy your weekend, and I will see you all soon!

  • Day 27

    Either the weekend’s cheating was too much and prevented any weight loss whatsoever, or the bathroom scale (on the uneven bathroom floor) is not reporting properly. I know that I cheated in Montreal, but I did not think it would be so bad that I would not be at all down from Friday morning. A week from today I will drive to the doctor’s office to get weighed, and we will see if I have made any progress whatsoever. In the meantime, I plan to stay the course. If, however, by next Tuesday my weight has not dropped below 350 lbs, I am abandoning the hybrid approach and going back to the regimented plan.

    On the drive home from Montreal, I did buy an all-beef pepperoni stick. I am not even sure that I was that hungry, and I do not know why I did it. The emotional turmoil from the last few days, matched with the anticipation of my evening meal of chicken and salad. I broke down, and I shouldn’t have. I should have just lit another cigar and waited until I arrived home to eat. I wonder how much of my weight-stasis is owing to the high salt content of that treat. I know that I should not be touching any processed foods, but I did, and now I have to move forward.

    I am not sure how I will be able to move past the emotional and psychological realizations I made this weekend. They were hard and painful, and I do not know what I am going to do. I know that there are people who are concerned about me, but I do not know if I can overcome them. My parents, my sister… when I went off to the Army I should never have come back. I should have changed my name and disappeared from their lives, and screw them all for whatever hurt it might have caused them. Lord knows that my mother and my sister never gave a damn about causing me hurt, and my father’s failure to protect me… I would not have wanted to intentionally hurt him, but I should have protected myself whatever the consequences to him and to them.