Losing a part of me

Category: Friends

  • Day 33–Monday, February 21, 2022

    I have made no progress in a week… but with all the crap that has happened, I am just glad that I did not lose any ground either.

    Leslie and I went shopping yesterday and we bought two gorgeous dress shirts for me to wear for the next couple of months, until my nicer dress shirts start to fit. I spent more than I was planning to on the second shirt, but Leslie is so good to me, how could I deny her? Also, I thought it was a gorgeous shirt too!

    Yesterday I was good until I was not. Lyle made a fabulous dinner of boeuf bourguignon, which he prepared for me without noodles. I also ended up having a few of Leslie’s noodles when she was done, which means that not only did I go overboard on the portions, I also had the carbs which I have to work so hard to avoid. I will not have any more this week!

    It was a very nice weekend. Leslie and I spend at least an hour on the phone every day, but there are some things that are just easier to talk about (or at least to go into detail about) in person. It has gone both ways, and we have both had things to talk about. We also spent an hour on the patio yesterday smoking a very fine cigar, and I read her my favourite Rudyard Kipling poem from a book of his that I purchased a couple of weeks ago… printed in 1899. The book is delicate, but how much more romantic can it be than to read poetry to your beloved… even if it is a poem about having to choose between a woman and cigars.

    I am working this evening, and Leslie is working during the day. She plans to audit my class tonight, which will be fun. She has heard me present to an audience before, but she has never actually seen me teach. Also, it has been a year since I last had an in-person audience! While she works, I will be sitting on the balcony smoking – it is a beautiful day, the first in a series of days that will be unseasonably warm. Tomorrow afternoon Lyle will come for a cigar or two, which will be nice. Of course, Dorothy is always invited, but she works during the days, so that won’t work out. Hopefully Leslie will have enough of a break between meetings to join us for a bit.

    My goddaughter’s birthday party was supposed to be next Saturday, but her mom messaged me yesterday telling me it is postponed by a week. She (the mom) tested positive for Covid-19 and is isolating for two weeks. I am sending her positive vibes for a full and speedy recovery.

    After a couple of hours of distractions, I am on my way to finish my day. My friend the cleaning lady is here, Leslie is working, I have had a salmon salad for lunch. I do not have to teach for another five hours, and I am going to choose a fine cigar and sit out on the balcony for a few hours.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 32

    It truly feels wonderful having Leslie here. I was so happy that she decided to come, and when her plane arrived nearly 30 minutes early, I was elated! Five minutes after her plane was scheduled to land, she messaged me to say that she had her suitcase and was coming out to the kerb. I was only halfway through the cigar that I had been smoking, which is fine because Leslie loves when I smoke cigars. I finished that cigar on the drive home, rather than lighting a fresh one (which had been the plan).

    I was mostly good on the diet yesterday. I did have a bag of almonds on the way to the airport, but it was a small bag, not the big size I would have bought before the diet. I had my piece of chicken and a bog salad, and then I polished off Leslie’s chicken when she said she was done. None of that is really more than I have been doing on the accepted hybrid program I’ve been on. One last shake in the evening, and I estimate that I might have had 1300 calories yesterday, all healthy ones.

    This morning, I prepared a very nice omelet for Leslie, with all-beef salami, onion, and mushrooms. She loved it, but I did help her to finish it. I did not even have a quarter of it, and with the exception of the salami, it was all very healthy. I do not feel bad about it.

    The plan for today: As long as it is warm enough, Leslie and I are going to spend the evening with our friends Lyle and Dorothy. Lyle will be preparing dinner (he is an award-winning gourmet chef), and I expect that he will make something for me that is within the guidelines of my program. In case he does not, I will have a shake and a shaker bottle with me… just in case. Knowing my friend, I will not need it. He has promised Leslie a gastronomical masterpiece heavy on the mushrooms (Leslie is a fiend for fungi!) and served over a bed of his homemade pasta. While I am sure I will eat well as well, I suspect I might be just a little jealous of what they will be eating!

    The cigars that Leslie brought me were… well, there is no other word for them – spectacular. She brought me two limited edition boxes of Davidoff cigars, plus ten Padron 1964 Anniversary (the Cigars International Cigar of the Year). They are absolutely drool-worthy! We took the pictures, and then we put them nicely into the humidor. We then affixed the new LED light strips that I bought into the door of the humidor. The result is amazing… unless you press the flashing button, at which point it feels like a 70s discotheque (minus the LSD).

    I will stick to the plan today! Again, the plan does not have to be as strictly regimented as I once thought… I can replace a meal-replacement shake with a piece of chicken, and I can have a few bites of Leslie’s scramble (I called it an omelet before; in truth, when I tried to flip it and failed, it transformed into a scramble) without beating myself up over it. The spirit of the program is more important than the rules… no starches, very minimal carbs, and smaller portions. I failed on the portions a couple of times this week, but not today. I’ll stick to it today as well.

    Tomorrow is a holiday in both Ontario (Family Day) and the USA (Presidents’ Day), although I will be teaching my group in the USA from Ontario in the evenings. No matter, I love what I do… and I certainly love knowing I am earning a full salary while on shortened hours at my day job!

    Have a great day, and enjoy your day off tomorrow!

  • Day 30

    It’s been just about a month, and I am down just under 30 lbs. One pound per day. How could I really be disappointed by that? If I was following the strict program, then it would have been more. I have stated before that I suspect the moderate approach will give me the best chance for long-term success.

    Yesterday I went to prepare a salad with my dinner, only to realize that I had no lettuce… or cucumber, for that matter… but it is the lettuce that is usually the base of the salad. For a minute I considered going shopping, but realized the weather was not quite agreeable to that. Instead, I took the bag of shredded carrots that I had and used them as the base of the salad (rather than an almost-garnish). I chopped tomato and onion onto it, sprinkled some pumpkin seeds, and then a drop of oil and a healthy portion of balsamic vinegar. It was unusual but not unpleasant.

    I think my class is going well. I am enjoying teaching them, although I had a mic blunder yesterday. Prior to class I was speaking with Leslie on the phone. Thinking my computer mic was muted, I told her of two students who I know are phoning it in… they have not done any of their labs, and I do not think they are even sitting through the class. I do not know if they are having their program paid by a government program which mandates they attend… and then I realized my computer mic was hot. I apologized to the group and took the opportunity to remind them that I mark attendance for those who log in, but the school has a record of who is doing the labs and who completes them, and that is out of my hands.

    —

    I was halfway through this morning’s entry when my phone dinged. A buddy was downstairs waiting to come up. I haven’t seen him in a couple of years, and it was great to sit and chat with him. The original purpose of his visit was to bring some cigars that I was buying from him, and we sat outside and enjoyed a beautiful cigar. Despite the chill, it is a beautiful sunny day, and we had the heater going. Once it was too cold to continue, we sat inside with another cup of coffee discussing cigars and golf and dogs and whatever else we wanted to. I really enjoy it when friends come to visit. I do not mind smoking alone, but cigars are a social lubricant best enjoyed with friends – old or new.

    Something that I have to be more mindful of is my water intake. The fact that I have been drinking a lot of coffee does not change the fact that I need to drink a lot of water, and I know that I have been neglectful of that the last week – since driving to Montreal, I suppose. If there is one thing you do not want to do when you have a six hour drive it is to drink so much water that you need to stop to pee every fifty kilometers. Leslie asked me about it Wednesday, and I confessed that I was not drinking as much as I should. I have tried to remedy that, and am so grateful for her help!

    I suppose I do not have a lot to report today. I have to go shopping now – I am woefully short of salad fixings, and I am out of chicken as well. When I come home, I will prepare a meal, and I will likely sit outside to finish the cigar that I left over. I am a firm believer that you finish a cigar in one sitting, and if you let it sit too long it goes bad. The 2-3 hours that this one will have been sitting should not be too rough, but if it is, I will just pick a new stick.

    I always look forward to the weekend (as does everyone, I suppose), but knowing that tomorrow Leslie is coming I am looking forward to it even more. It is so exciting knowing that my baby will be in my arms in just over 24 hours. I have mentioned before that she is very supportive of my diet, and I have been trying to make her understand that just because I am on this program does not mean that she has to be. As such, I made a date for us to spend the evening with Lyle and Dorothy on Sunday. Lyle is a world class chef, and Dorothy is an amazing baker. When we were last there, Lyle discovered that Leslie loves mushrooms, and promised to make her something special on her next visit. The fact that I will not be able to enjoy that something special does not mean that we should not go and spend time with our friends, and yes Leslie should enjoy her mushrooms and homemade pasta and all of that wonderful stuff. Lyle is aware of my dietary restrictions and will likely make me a fabulous piece of chicken or fish to enjoy while they are indulging. I am really looking forward to it… but I saw Lyle last week and Dorothy a couple of weeks ago, and I have not seen my girlfriend since December. I am really looking forward to her visit!

    Wherever you are and whatever you have planned, you enjoy your weekend, and I will see you all soon!

  • Day 29–February 17, 2022

    Weight: Down 1.4 lbs, 28.4lbs overall

    The last few days have not been great on the diet, but I daresay that yesterday was at least a little bit better than the three previous days. I woke up and had my breakfast shake, and then did not actually have a second meal replacement midday. Instead, I went shopping (which I will need to do again either today or tomorrow), and when I arrived home I prepared my evening meal, which was really a mid-afternoon meal. Two pieces of chicken and a large salad. I suspect that in a few weeks I am going to want to cut down to a single piece of chicken, but for now it is working, I am still losing weight, and am seldom feeling deprived. In the evening, rather than preparing another shake, I made a big salad… and added a half tin of canned salmon to it. It was very tasty… and while it was not strictly speaking part of my diet, it was not the worst possible cheat.

    My weight loss this past week was abysmal if we take out the dire psychological factors, not to mention the trip to Montreal. If we take all of those factors into consideration, the fact that I lost any weight at all is a success. While I would like to be down 40 lbs by now, I’ll satisfy myself with just under 30 lbs in four weeks I know that had I stuck with the program religiously I would be down much more, but I also know that this program is hard, and the lenience is making it just a little bit easier.

    I got several pieces of excellent news yesterday, all from my girlfriend. She knows that I have been extremely down this past week, with all of the emotional baggage that have opened up in me. She asked has asked me every day since the revelation what she could do to support me, and I have not had a real answer, other than ‘just be there for me.’ That’s how I am. She asked Monday if she should come to visit me this weekend, and I told her that it was an expensive trip, and that I would be okay. When I realized that she is really trying to support me, and that however brave a face I might be putting on, the diet cheat of the last few days has been proof that maybe I am not coping as well as I might. Yesterday when we were speaking in the afternoon, I told her that I would like for her to come if it was not too expensive. Within the hour she sent me confirmation of her flight, and I will pick her up from the airport Saturday afternoon. YAY!

    Leslie likes to bring me cigars when she comes to visit. It is not only that she knows how much I enjoy cigars… she loves enjoying them with me, possibly to the point of being a fetish! She already has two boxes of cigars that she was planning to bring to me, but her plan was to visit the Cigars International Superstore near her house to top up her allotment of what she is allowed to bring into Canada. We will get back to that in a moment.

    My girlfriend knows that I start teaching at 6:30pm, so it was a bit of a surprise to see my phone ringing at 6:32pm, with her name on the call display. Fortunately, I was waiting for the last stragglers to come into the class, so I muted my mic to answer the phone. “I GOT THE JOB!” She had applied for a full-time position with Microsoft, and has been pretty down on herself, figuring she did not get it. I kept telling her that she was absolutely the best candidate for the job (I know a lot of the other probably candidates), and that they would be crazy to not offer it to her. They did!

    Now, instead of picking up some okay cigars, she wanted to get celebratory sticks. She went a bit overboard, but I completely understand – she has something to celebrate, and she wants to celebrate with me, and she wants to celebrate with me smoking very high-end cigars. Saturday afternoon will see several new and wonderful vitolas added to my humidor, none of which I currently own, and only two of which I have ever smoked. Two of them are limited-edition cigars too… very collectible, but I do not collect cigars, I smoke them!

    Leslie also loves HRF Princess Sophie, which does not surprise me, as she (HRF) is absolutely adorable. Someone asked me the other day what HRF is short for, so here it is: Her Royal Floofness.

    Another thing that I am thrilled with is that Leslie has made it clear that she is going to continue to support me on my diet, which means that she does not want me ‘taking a break’ while she is here and does not want me taking her to restaurants and the like. Considering that there was a time when I felt that the best social experience between a couple was to sit together at a restaurant, this is a big change. The first time I was on the program (back in 2017) I remember going on a date with a woman the first week (or possibly second) that I was on it, and she had her lunch while I… watched her eat her lunch. There was no second date. I get that… it is uncomfortable to sit at a table eating while the other person just watches you. Fortunately, Leslie and I enjoy each other’s company quite a lot, and we are very familiar with each other. We can be just as happy sitting on the couch or at the table and not saying a word, or sitting on the balcony, sharing a cigar, and solving all of the world’s problems. I am so excited that she is coming in two days!!

    I have a dentist appointment this afternoon (I lost a crown), and after that Lyle might come over for a cigar. He is still unsure, due to the potential for the weather to change for the worse sometime this afternoon. If he feels the driving will be treacherous, he will likely stay home. I hope he comes… I have a nice birthday gift for him, plus a lot to talk about. After that, class… Thursday is my last teaching day of the week, and I’m looking forward to it… as much as I am looking forward to the weekend!

    Have a great day folks! I’ll see you all tomorrow.

  • The Case of the Missing Package

    As I drove into the east side of Toronto yesterday afternoon, I got a notification that Canada Post had delivered a package. Actually, I got the notification from the US Postal Service, through which the package was sent. I was excited, knowing that Leslie had shipped me a few things that I needed… including meal replacement bars!

    I arrived at the front door to my building, and there was an envelope for me, but no box. Hmph. I took my bags upstairs, and indeed there was a box for me on my doorstep! It was an Amazon box, and not a USPS one. Okay, still not right, but at least the new lighting for my humidor arrived.

    It has happened a couple of times that the Amazon delivery guy would leave a package for me at the next building over, so before doing anything else, I took a walk over there to check. Nothing. I went upstairs and knocked on the door of the condo association president and asked if he could check the video footage for the past couple of hours. He went to look, discovering that the monitor was broken so he could not check. I started to think that there was a problem but hoped that the mailman pressed ‘Delivered’ when she meant to press ‘Held at Post Office’ which meant I would get a notification.

    It was at this point that I started to think the box was lost. Speaking with Leslie last night, we lamented that it was fortuitous that she had listened to me and not included the very expensive box of sexy cigars that she bought me for Valentine’s Day, opting to hold on to them until our next visit together.

    IMG_2005This morning, I got a cautious text from Leslie. ‘Okay are you ready for the f-up of the century? What is your address?’ When I told her last night that the package was marked as delivered, but was not here, she decided to go back and check… it seems she fat-fingered my address and typed a 3 when it should have been a 6.

    I was in the middle of my morning shake but told her that as soon as I was done with it, I would bundle up and take a walk across the street. I did just that, and sure enough the package was in front of the door of the apartment with the same number as mine. Interestingly, there was no security to get into the building… I could have walked up, taken the package, and been on my merry way. As I did not want to appear to be a mail thief, I rang the bell, and had a quick chat with the resident (who I had quite obviously roused out of bed). Once he understood me (English was not his first language) he wished me well.

    As I rode the elevator back down to street level, I took a picture of the package and sent it to Leslie. I did not open the box until we were on a video call together, and she could see my reactions.

    Not only did I receive my meal replacements (which had the cutest Valentine’s Day stickers all over them!), I received a great little drawing of a cartoon dog and a kiss (not drawn!). I also got a shirt that I ordered to her from Amazon in October, and which was reported delivered October 30. It had not arrived, and a couple of weeks later Amazon refunded my money (saying that if I did receive it eventually, to keep it). The shirt arrived earlier this month (February, so over three months later) with no explanation. It has now gotten lost in the mail twice; to avoid a potential third time, I will wear it tomorrow.

    Interestingly enough, this was not the only package to be marked as ‘delivered’ yesterday, that was not. A delivery for Princess Sophie (that had also been feared lost in transit) was reported as delivered… but is nowhere to be found. I hope that it turns up, but I am not holding my breath. While there are a couple of extras in it, the most important contents have been replaced. We’ll see what happens today… and I will ask the mailman if I see her.

  • Day 25

    Yesterday was an emotionally difficult day. I came to a realization that was extremely difficult, and it is a wonder that I did not do worse on my diet than I did. I had always planned to have the rotisserie chicken for lunch (although I should have had a smaller portion); the salad that went with it was very tasty, but it had what I suspect was not a low-cal dressing. In the evening I got back to my friends’ house, and she made me have a bowl of chicken soup (with tomato? What heathen puts tomato into chicken soup?). All of this was in addition to three shakes, so it really wasn’t too bad… but I will try to do better today. I still believe that accountability is the key to my potential success, and so I am not going to blow smoke up my own ass and make excuses for myself. Yes, I had a crappy day. No, I should not have gone straight for the food.

    Wonder of wonders, I smoked a few cigars yesterday. It was not my entire day, but it was a portion of it. I started by visiting with my father’s widow… that’s where the emotionally draining revelations came to me. After that, I met with an old friend and her husband for a coffee. It is always good to see them. Once I was through there, I drove over to my buddy Stephane’s house, where we smoked cigars in the garage. He is an amazing woodworker, with a passion for ‘turning wood’. I never knew that was a thing until I involved myself with a broad community of cigar smokers. I now have several pens, ashtrays, and cigar stands that were made by him over the course of the last five years. During the course of the day, I bought a pen stand that he made, and he made me a pen. The pen that he made for me is gorgeous, but it is an everyday pen, as opposed to some of the other pens I have from him, one of which is a $200 work of art. So yes, the day was not cheap for me, but it was worth every penny.

    I came in from his place at about 9:00pm, and Rick and Isolina listened to my issues for a few minutes. She made me a bowl of soup (she was quite insistent about it, so I stopped arguing). We then watched the UFC fights, which I also rather enjoy. I lit a very good cigar (I know that she is not fond of my cigars, and I smoke cigars that I know she will enjoy more than the cheaper ones), and by the second fight I had forgotten most of my issues. Fortunately, I was able to remember most of them as I was trying to fall asleep later on.

    Today is a new day. I am going to visit my father’s grave, and then have a few other friends to visit with before I return to Stephane’s for another cigar. I’ll be back here in time to watch the Super Bowl with my friends, especially knowing that Stephane is not a sports lover. (He also does not have a television in the garage, which means that we wouldn’t be able to smoke cigars during the game anyways).

    It is bone-chillingly cold out today; yesterday morning when I left Rick’s place it was 5° Celsius outside. By the time I left Stephane’s it was -14°, and this morning the wind chill is reading -29°. In short, it will be a relatively brief visit with my father. Standing outside in an unsheltered field when it feels like nearly -30° is not my definition of fun… but I cannot think of an enjoyable reason to visit a cemetery, even in the nicest climes. I need to speak to my Dad about the realizations I came to yesterday… and even if I did not, it is a son’s duty to say a prayer at his father’s grave. (If anyone is wondering, I have not once visited my mother’s grave since the day of her funeral, and while I know the cemetery she is in, I would not easily be able to find her grave. She caused me more that enough pain and discomfort while she was alive; I will not suffer the cold for a minute to go looking for her now. Maybe in the summer I will find her grave and say a prayer over it.

    One thing that can be said for extremely cold days in Canada, they are usually sunny and clear. It will at least be a pretty day to be driving about. Wherever you are, enjoy it! I’ll see you tomorrow.