Losing a part of me

Category: Holidays

  • Day 704

    Merry Christmas to all of my friends who celebrate it, and to those who do not, I wish you a wonderful day – many of us are off work, which means that I will be sitting and relaxing for much of the day. I started by sleeping in, and then took Her Royal Floofness for a walk. I did not even sit down for breakfast until nearly 11:00am!

    After going overboard for a few days (up to and including Saturday) I settled down with my eating yesterday. I thought I might be having breakfast with my friends but ended up dropping off the presents and enjoying a cup of coffee with them. I came home and prepared a couple of eggs on a toasted roll. It was quite nice. I met Rami at the pub for lunch and had fish and chips – not healthy, but still not as bad as so many other things I have eaten in the last few weeks. My dinner was mostly in line with what I would have eaten when I was losing weight steadily. I did not eat anything after 6:30pm, which is something I try to do.

    The result of that, and another very generous bowel movement this morning, resulted in a significant drop in weight on the bathroom scale. It is disheartening to think that nearly two months ago my weight dropped below 240 lbs. for a few days, and then at the beginning of the month I was trying to get back down below the 250 lbs. mark… and today I was relieved to drop below 265 lbs. again. I cannot let this throw me though. I have had a terrible setback, and it is time to pick myself back up. Tomorrow will be the last of the bad temptation days – I’ll be at Cam and Amanda’s place, and they always put out so many tempting treats (even before the delicious dinner). I have to do my best to not give in to too much temptation there. After that it will be mostly smooth sailing for the next few weeks – right up to the day I fly down to Dallas. That’s a little under three weeks away, and I would really like to get back below 250 lbs. by then. I am not sure I’ll be able to, but I will do my best. The morning after I returned from my last trip (November 6) I weighed 246.6 lbs. which is 15.6 lbs. lower than I did this morning. If I can get to within a couple of pounds of that I will be thrilled. I fly in nineteen days… that is an optimistic goal, but an achievable one if I stay focused.

    Okay, it is time for a cigar. See you tomorrow.

  • Day 702

    And now, a topic I have not touched on in a while. I had the most productive bowel movement in a long time this morning. While I felt good for it, I also know that it is because I have been overeating – and the wrong foods – these last few weeks. I have to get back on track with my diet. Yes, that will mean smaller and less frequent BMs, but I’ll deal.

    Today has already started out bad with regard to eating. I have to get a grip on myself. I think that I am going to have to put myself back onto the crash-program for a couple of weeks to get myself back on track. Some people might say ‘Hey, today’s the 23rd of December… I’ll wait until January 2. I might not go full-crash yet, but I am also not going to let myself go for another nine days. I am going out for dinner with a friend this evening, and then for lunch tomorrow. After that I will take a couple of days to reset my eating. On the 26th I’ll be with my friends and godchildren which I assume means a delicious turkey dinner but will go back to eating properly the following day. The turkey dinner will also come with all manner of yummy side dishes and desserts; fortunately, most will either have dairy or lard which I cannot touch for religious reasons. On New Year’s Eve I’m visiting with Lyle and his brood and will eat then, but that will also be an exception.

    I have gained twenty-five pounds since my world fell apart, and I need to get back on track. If I need to go back to the extreme diet program for a few days to get back on track, then that is what I am going to do. I just wish these holidays were not interfering with that. I do not wish to be a hermit… but that is how I lost weight the first couple of times.

  • Day 612

    The vacation continues and my plans to stay good have not gone well. Leslie and I will have dinner this evening and then the fast begins. We will spend 26 hours reflecting and disconnecting. We will break the fast tomorrow evening and I suspect that with that my hopes to stay under 250 lbs. on this trip will be realized. Wish me luck!

    For those of you who are of the faith, may you have an easy fast and be inscribed in the Book of Life.

  • Day 604

    Shana Tova uMevurechet! May you be inscribed in the Book of Life. Last night as I lit the candles with my wife (over video unfortunately) I said prayers for so many people as I do every Sabbath. I wonder then why I do not say prayers to give Leslie and me strength to continue to succeed with our weight loss journeys. I know that this week I really could use all the help I can get.

    I wrote yesterday that I had a terrible day the previous day. The stress and anxiety of the root cause of it was nearly overwhelming yesterday. I cannot remember any day in my professional life where I felt more anxious, and it took a terrible toll. At the end of my class, after I took Her Floofness out for her walk, I was still shaking. I spoke with Leslie and told her that I was going to do one of two things: I was going to eat, or I was going to drink. I knew that if I started to drink that it would have been very bad… I would not have stopped until I passed out. She agreed that knowing the day that I had I should probably eat.

    I went to the supermarket and bought chicken, broccoli, and (stupidly) a bag of mini crisps. I came home and I prepared my meal (freezing half of the chicken so that I was not tempted to eat it again tonight). I steamed the broccoli. I enjoyed my meal; while I did feel guilty about it afterwards, I also feel that it was a necessary step.

    My body must have agreed… once again, while I did not lose weight this morning, I also did not gain any weight.

    My body and mind are exhausted from the week, even after what I think was a pretty decent night sleep. I am on the fence about going out for a long walk today, but it is probably what I should do. When my diet buddy asked me how I was going to make up for cheating on Thursday I told her that is what I would do. I did not tell her that I would be cheating on Friday as well.

    I do not know why but I walked away from this article for a few minutes… six hours ago. I did not go for a walk, but I also did not spend the entire day watching TV and smoking cigars on the balcony. I have been working on something at my desk. I have not eaten, although I realized that I put the remaining chicken into the Fridge and not the freezer, so I am going to cook it for dinner, so it does not go to waste. I have some broccoli left that I will steam to go with it. For some reason I have gotten to this point (5:45pm) only eating my omelette this morning, so the chicken will be taking the place of all three meal replacements. I can live with that without feeling guilty. I am also glad I realized this early enough so that dinner will be by 6:30pm, and not later.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 598

    I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning with trepidation. I knew that I had not cheated at all yesterday, and that I had gone for a very good walk. I knew all that yesterday morning as well so when the numbers on the scale were up, I was disheartened. After that measure I knew that if I did drop slightly then I would still be at or even above 250 lbs., and that I would need to lose at least .6 lb. to drop below that milestone. It did not help at all that I was not able to move my bowels this morning. I did yesterday after I wrote my article, but that doesn’t mean anything. I looked at the scale and stepped up as if I was taking that last step out of the helicopter. Just like that zipline drop, I waited there unable to move or do anything for several seconds. I then looked down to see where I was.

    249.4 lbs.

    I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought it would be a celebration, an exultation of some sort. There was nothing like that. In fact, I realized a minute later that I needed to repeat the process – not to check that I had not dreamed it, rather to take a picture of the numbers on the scale so that I could send them to my diet buddy who, at that moment, was I am sure lying comfortably in her bed three time zones away. I did not want to send it to my wife – I want to tell her personally so we can celebrate together. Julie has been a wonderful friend and she will be thrilled for me, but Leslie is the woman I want to share my triumph with. Maybe her absence is why I did not jump up and down or pump my fist in the air. I don’t know. Please do not misunderstand me; I am thrilled, elated, overjoyed… I am just toned down about it.

    Next milestone: down 150 lbs… and if I stay on track then that will be in the next ten days or less. I am less than five pounds from that one.

    I am picking up my son the younger at 11:30am and taking him for lunch. I have no doubt that we will be going back to Lone Star Texas Grill, where he will order the queso with chips, and a pound of breaded Buffalo wings with barbecue sauce. I will gird myself to resist the temptation of the free chips with salsa that the waiter will bring before he even takes our orders. I will order nothing but water or possibly coffee. I will sit and watch my thirteen-year-old boy devour his food that will look and smell so delicious and tempting. Now that I think of it, I might order a plate of celery and carrots. My boy always gives me his carrots, and a plate of carrot sticks would not hurt me. I don’t know… it will depend on how I feel when we sit down. If I feel that I am strong enough to make it through his meal, then I will simply eat the ones off his plate. If I am feeling weak, then I will ask for my own. I will not cheat.

    After I drop him off, I will come home and have my first shake of the day. It will be slightly later than usual, but not terribly so. I will see if I have the energy to go for a long walk, but I know that my body should get some recovery in from time to time. On the other hand, I am teaching this week (Monday and Wednesday from 9am to 9pm) so today is my last opportunity to exercise this year.

    Yes, Friday evening the Jewish People will welcome the New Year. Rosh Hashana is a time of reflection just as New Year’s Eve is on the Gregorian Calendar. This has been a wonderful year of change for me; I married my lovely wife (yes, we were married in a courthouse the previous year, but this year it was under the eyes of G-d). I lost a tremendous amount of weight this year; I actually lost more weight from January 20-December 31 2022 than I have this calendar year, or even from January 20-September 10 2022 than I have this year… but I still started and finished that year morbidly obese (Obese Class 3), whereas today I am 16 lbs. from dropping from Obese Class 1 to Overweight. I have written before about my thoughts about the BMI Scale, but absent more accurate yard sticks, I will take this one. What other changes have I made? I have been exercising (although not as regularly as I should, still pretty well). I have been more conscious of my appearance, and Leslie and I are that much closer to being able to live together. I have helped Leslie to learn more about our beautiful religion, and I have maintained my faith to a level that I am satisfied with… although I know that I can still do better, and I will endeavour to do so going forward.

    I was sitting and talking with a neighbour yesterday. He doggie is old but he’s a good boy and Princess Sophie wanted to spend some time on his patio with him, so his mom and I were talking. I told her how much weight I had lost, and she was absolutely shocked. I pulled out a picture of what I looked like on the day I started this journey, and she was flabbergasted. She started by saying that it had mainly been in my stomach. She then said ‘actually, I guess it was everywhere. You can see a real difference even in your face.’ This is a woman who only sees me fully clothed so she cannot see that my legs, my hips, my chest, my shoulders… every part of me is smaller, more toned, and less flabby. I still have a long way to go, but I am thrilled by the progress I have made so far.

    Here we are again. These last few days I have been writing about how many days I had weighed in lighter… well today that number is zero. I am at my best weight ever. My diet buddy said that there is nowhere to go but down, but when we talk next, I will remind her that thinking like that can lead to disaster. Down is where I want to keep going… but it would not take much for the trend to turn and for my weight to start going up. I cannot do that. Best Weight Ever is a great place to be… and I hope to keep moving that number downward over the next few weeks and months. I might take a pause for my week in California, but I am still not going to go overboard. I am going to do my best to come home on Tuesday, and on Wednesday morning step onto my doctor’s scale and weigh less than 110kg. This morning I weigh 113kg. Later that day I will be measured by the Hong Kong tailor, and I will be smaller than I have been since the Army. I will keep going because I know how easy it would be to lose focus and end up gaining the weight back again. I can never let that happen.

    Okay, it is time to get moving. I am going to sit outside with a very short cigar and my coffee, and in 25 minutes I will go to pick up my son.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 435

    I was so excited that I was going to break all of my distance records yesterday on the treadmill. I was nearly 2km into my jog when I realized I had not pressed the start button on my fitness tracker. Of course, this should make absolutely no difference to my workout; I am not running primarily to track my run, but to get fit. For some reason, that logic did not help me, and I just never got into the run. I will try again today, but not with the intention of setting records, only to get back up on the horse. My schedule is pretty packed, so I am not going to be able to spend hours at the gym. I will go, I will run for an hour, then I’ll pick up Her Floofness and we will go to Eduardo’s for a couple of hours. It would be slightly easier if my ultrasound appointment was at 10:00am, and not 11:00am.

    Jogging (Treadmill)

    · Distance: 8.4km (5.6km)

    · Duration: 1:02:42 (39:09)

    · Average Pace (Min/km): 7m27s (7m01s)

    · Steps: 9,475 (6,075)

    · Calories burned: 1,117 (767)

    · Average cadence (steps per minute): 151 (155)

    I should remember that I should not be pushing myself at the gym today, knowing that I have my Taekwondo class this evening. I did spend ten minutes on the mat stretching before I jogged yesterday, and I will do the same today. In six months, I will be ready to test for my next belt… and I will be in the best shape of my (adult) martial arts life!

    My bowel movement this morning was solid, and there were slight indicators from my body that it is safe and prudent to resume my fibre additive in the mornings. I suppose it was simply something that I ate over the weekend that caused me issues, and that is behind me now. Phew! **Written later and before publishing the entry: No, I am still having loose bowel issues. Hold the fibre once again, thank you!

    I am so close. With two days left before I get up early to head to the airport, the reading on the bathroom scale this morning has me at 255.6 pounds. I am less than one pound away from achieving my best post-Army weight ever. As I woke up this morning, I started thinking that it might be today. That would have been a stretch, as it would literally mean I would have lost four pounds in two days. I also knew that it was possible that I would give back some weight this morning, but that did not happen. I was thrilled to see that I am inside one pound, and also know realistically that I might fall outside of that range tomorrow… but staying on track, staying mindful, and staying focused are how I will figure out how to get there. Over the next few days, I will be on the watch for it though. A few months ago, I would have expected that when I do get there, I would let out a loud ‘whoop!’ but now I expect a big smile, a quiet fist pump, and then I will go about my day. I will not be rewarding myself with a big cheat meal… that would defeat the purpose. I will be going off the full-fast program Saturday for the week that I am away, but I will not be starting out with the same wild cheat night that I usually have when I go to Dallas. When I leave town on Saturday I might or might not be at or under my best weight ever; I promise you, dear reader, that when I return to Canada the following Sunday I will be.

    Yesterday’s extreme winds brought a drop in the temperature (along with a couple of hours of wild snow). When Her Floofness and I went out this morning the thermometer read -8°, which in February is pretty seasonal but the last few days of March might be considered less so. As such, I will not even be thinking about running outside today; I will go to the gym where I can be comfortable. When I am out of town next week, I will likely spend a lot more time jogging outside and exploring my environs as I do. Hopefully by the time I get back to Canada we will be done with the below-zero temperatures, and spring (which supposedly started a week ago) will really be ready to kick in.

    Leslie and I made a very exciting decision on Tuesday; I followed that decision up with a long phone call with my rabbi yesterday afternoon. With that, the path is clear, and the date is set. My wife and I are getting married! That might sound weird, so let me explain. We were married by a judge in the State of Texas. There were no witnesses – there were three people in the courtroom – the bride, the groom, the judge. We have set the date for our religious ceremony, which will be at the synagogue. When I fly to Dallas at the end of the month, she and I will then board a flight to California, and that weekend we will be married under the eyes of G-d… and a few friends who will be gathered to witness our happiness. There are so many things that we have to do between now and then, and I am glad that the rabbi (who is also a friend) is guiding us through it. Last night I ordered the ketubah (the marriage contract, a hand-drawn and calligraphed document that will be signed prior to the ceremony, and then framed and mounted on our wall forever). This morning, I decided to order customized kippot (yarmulkas) – the skullcaps that Jewish men wear, which is so often a tradition that a couple shares with their guests. This afternoon, I will have to speak with a couple of people in California regarding the logistics, food, setup, and everything else. It is a frenzy, and it is exciting! The countdown is officially on.

    Wednesday evening (six days from now) is the beginning of Passover. Not realizing that I would be traveling next week, when I was last in Dallas, I purchased a box of Matzahs. That box will be getting onto yet another international flight, making it a very well-traveled box of unleavened bread! With the expectation that by then I will be safely into best-weight-ever territory, I plan to make a very minor feast, including some of the traditional foods that have always made Pesach one of my favourite Jewish festivals. I will prepare the Pesach plate, I will fill a cup of wine for Elijah the Prophet, and with very few people around the table, I will tell the story of our flight from the bonds of slavery into the dessert, where we wandered for forty years before the descendants of the slaves crossed the Jordan River into Eretz Yisrael. While Matzah is completely not good for my weight loss regimen, I am going to celebrate my holiday… and I will do it weighing less than I have in this millennium.

    Over the last few days, I have been fitting things into my schedule for today, and every time I did, I kept trying to remember what it was that I have scheduled for the evening. I have long said that if it is not in my Outlook, it will not be remembered. This morning, I finally created a recurring event for Tuesdays and Thursdays… my Taekwondo classes! I have a lot of learning to do, or rather relearning. Before I am ready to test for my next belt, I have to relearn every pattern that I had to learn for all of my previous belts… or at least, all of the official patterns. That means I need to relearn eight Taeguk patterns, Koryo, Keumgang, and Taebek. I will also have to learn a pattern called Pyongwon, which I have seen but have never learned. Of course, the patterns are one thing… I also want to vastly improve my form. The major takeaway from my first class on Tuesday is that my kicks are garbage, and I have to work on them… a lot.

    My plans for today are to stay mindful, to stay on track, and to try to stay focused. I have a lot of things I need to get done, starting with my ultrasound. I’ll pack my gym kit so that I can go straight there from the clinic. After that, I will come home, have my meal replacement, and then Princess Sophie and I will head up to see Eduardo and Gladys. I hope to also stop into see Ryan at his job before coming home to teach this evening. Staying on track means that my Saturday I might be there… but I must stay on track!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 339

    It is Christmas Eve, and, as usual, I have received a couple of notes from friends asking if I was okay. They know that with Leslie in Texas, I am alone for the holiday. What they do not understand is that it is not my holiday. I respect that with all the hype around it, people naturally think that everyone celebrates Christmas. I do not. I will not sit about the house sulking the next two days. I will go about my business as I normally would on a day off. Why? Because that is what it is. I am not sad or morose being alone… at least, no more so than I usually am when Leslie and I are apart. I wish all of my Christian friends a very merry Christmas, as I look forward to lighting the candles for the seventh night of Chanukah this evening.

    HRF Princess Sophie is not a fan of weather. She does not like extreme cold or wind and is truly opposed to any form of precipitation. She is my true California Girl. I was not surprised, knowing that she was out late in the afternoon yesterday, that she was not setting foot out the front door last night… but I knew that sometimes comes with consequences. No, she did NOT have an accident, but at 4:20am she told me that it was time to go out. The snow was still coming down lightly, the winds were howling, and the thermometer read -17°. We got to the threshold, and she took one look outside and thought better of it. We went back upstairs, but she looked at me with those expressive eyes and said ‘Daddy, I HATE the weather… but I am a princess, and this princess will NOT do her business inside her castle. Let’s go back downstairs… but it’s going to be FAST!’

    All of this to say that between the storm and my dog, I am not getting a lot of steps in these few days. While the storm seems to have passed, I am staying true to my plan to stay home unless I get an unexpected last-minute invitation from someone that I cannot turn down. The snow may be over but that does not mean that all of the roads are properly cleared and salted. Yes, I drive a Subaru, and yes, it is not only equipped with all-wheel drive, but also with four snow tyres. As I reminded a friend yesterday, you can have all of the right equipment to stay safe, and you can drive as cautiously as you will; that will not protect you from the dunderhead coming down the road who is neither equipped for winter driving nor smart enough to drive slowly and cautiously who will crash into you because they cannot control their car on the icy roads. I would rather stay safe than embark out in possibly dangerous driving conditions if I can avoid it. Of course, the fact that it is seventeen degrees below zero with howling winds does not increase my desire to risk it!

    I have not slept well these last couple of nights. I should probably amend that to I have had trouble falling asleep, because really, once I fall asleep, I am fine. I tried to sleep without taking a melatonin gummy last night, but at 1:00am I relented and downed one. The fact that I had to wake up in the middle of the night, get dressed (for very cold and snowy conditions), go outside (twice), and then come back upstairs, get undressed, and try to fall asleep again did not contribute to my good night’s sleep… but it did contribute to my deciding to sleep in again this morning.

    Last night, for reasons I cannot figure, I indulged in a large bowl of Corn Flakes. Added to the challah rolls that I ate for Shabbat, and we have yet another failed day. My weight stayed where it was the previous day, but that is not a success. Today will be better. That seems to be another theme these days. I need to get through today and tomorrow, knowing that Monday I will be driving to Strathroy to see my godchildren, and knowing what their mother is likely to serve (and how powerless I am to decline her oh so yummy kryptonite). My goal is to be two pounds lighter by then, which I can only achieve if I do not cheat on my program the next couple of days.

    They say that when it rains, it pours. In October, I had a major career setback, which I thought might put an end to my career as a technical trainer. These last few weeks I have made some new contacts, and reconnected with a couple of old ones, and have some great prospects (not to mention actual training contracts) coming in the new year. I remember how despondent I was when I realized where I was at just two months ago. Now it seems like I have a bright future in my preferred field… if we put aside that I’d rather spend my life as a cigar-smoking sommelier and raconteur!

    While we only stepped outside for a brief moment this morning, Princess Sophie is happy to have her friend Charlie here for a playdate. While the pair of them combine to be one hell of a distraction to my writing (between begging for treats, jumping on my lap, and whatnot), they are happy, which makes me happy. I admitted to Leslie earlier in the year that Princess Sophie is not really an emotional support animal. With the emotional turmoil I have gone through these last weeks, I am beginning to think that what started as a farce to bring her into my office at Sony Pictures might not be a real benefit to me. I have been terribly down at times in the last month, and she has made life a little more bearable for me. I will speak with my therapist about that when she and I begin meeting mid-January.

    Yes, I have been distracted while writing this journal entry, and not only by dogs. But hey, it is Saturday, it is Christmas Eve, and it is holy-crap-degrees-below-zero outside, so I am in no rush to be done with it. I hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday, and the best for a great new year!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 335

    Yes, my weight is down from yesterday according to the bathroom scale. Does that mean that I was true to my weight loss program yesterday? It does not. I was very not good. Aside from the single portion of dried mangoes that Leslie gave me for my Chanukah gift, I did not eat anything that was not prescribed on the program. I did have an extra piece of chicken with another salad in the evening. I am not supposed to do that!

    There have been numerous times when I have told Leslie that I am going to eat something that is not on the program (or have already done so), and she asks a very good question: Am I hungry, depressed, or bored. While I am not sure that bored is the exact right word, I think it is certainly in the ballpark. It might be something like idle hands are the devil’s workshop sort of thing. When I have nothing else to do – or more specifically, nothing occupying my mind – I often default to eating. I have to figure out a way to deal with that. I am hoping that – along with several other issues that I have, most pertaining to focus and concentration, will be addressed and start to improve once I have seen my doctor tomorrow, assuming that he agrees with my recent diagnosis and prescribes meds to deal with it.

    I am going to try to go to the gym today, but I have to find some sort of motivation. I am not feeling well – light-headed, despite having just finished my morning meal replacement and my third cup of coffee. I know my blood pressure is often quite low, and I am wondering if that might not be the start of an actual problem. I know, it is much better than the opposite; nonetheless, it is something I will speak with the doctor about tomorrow… in addition to the ADHD thing. Additionally, tomorrow I know I have to go out… twice, in fact. I will endeavour to go to the gym after the doctor’s appointment, or if not then, right before going to see my sons to light the Channukah candles (which I get to do tomorrow).

    Speaking of children: I have five children who I get to spoil for Christmas and Channukah. I have my own two children (although at twenty-four years old, my son the elder wants nothing this year). I have Leslie’s son, and I have my two godchildren. Last night, Leslie, her son, and I lit the candles, and he opened the first of his tangible (non-edible) presents over video call, which was fun. He has one more present to open, and we agreed that he would get to do so on Night Six, which is Friday. Today I will be ordering presents for my godchildren, who I will be seeing Christmas Day. I am waiting for confirmation from mom and dad about my choices, but I think I am good. Of course, I am not writing here to say what they are, but trust me, they should both be happy.

    This is a perfect example of my need to focus. While I really have nothing else going on this morning, it is more than two hours since I typed the first line of this journal entry. I have to figure out a way to concentrate, and if that requires me to go on medication, that is what I am going to do. I am looking forward to speaking with my doctor about that tomorrow… I really do want to get better. I will say that I am still feeling light-headed, so I am not going to go overboard today. I will take it easy, and if I need to take a nap at some point, I will. I thought I slept pretty well last night, but I might still be overtired from the last couple of weeks of not sleeping well.

    Have a great day folks!