Losing a part of me

Category: Recovery

  • Day 571

    Today will be better than yesterday.

    I wrote last night that I was having a very difficult time of it. I was down and depressed with no motivation to do anything other than binge-watch reruns of old television programs. It was weird though; I was not completely out of sorts, I was just… blah. I enjoyed my cigars, but I was just not enjoying life. I thought perhaps it was because I was angry with myself over my failures of the previous day.

    They say that therapists need therapy and that attorneys should never represent themselves. I spend so much time writing about positive attitudes and stratagem that it might make one think that I am some sort of fifties television father who never gets cross, or at least never too much and never for too long. I try to be as positive and upbeat as I can be, even in the face of sadness, disappointment, and failure. Most of the time it works. There are also days like yesterday when it really does not.

    There is a quote from one of my favourite TV shows: “Act as if ye have faith and faith shall be given to you. Put it another way, fake it till you make it.” I sometimes put on a brave and happy face even when I am not feeling brave or happy. I do so in the hope that if I do it enough, the maskirovka will become reality. Last night during our chat Leslie wrote: “If only it was as easy as you giving me some patience and me giving you some of my self discipline…” The funny thing about that is that while I do my best to demonstrate the greatest patience at all times, it is not my normal state. My inner nature is one of instant gratification. That impatience has never served me well and I do my best to suppress it, but I do my best to always maintain that outer calmness… even when my interiors are bursting with ‘I want it now!’

    I think of all of this, and I think of how I fell completely off the wagon on Saturday, and how rather than letting myself go I forced myself to be better yesterday. I think of how it is when I am alone and down when food would really make me feel better… if only for a little while. I think of days like yesterday and how, despite being emotionally miserable, I stayed true to the program. It is because I was able to do this, because I was able to tell myself that my depression was rooted in the higher numbers on the bathroom scale that were caused by the cheating of the previous day that I was able to say to myself: ‘It does not matter that food will make me feel better now… I want to feel better tomorrow, which is exactly why I cannot eat now. Leslie reminded me that however the food might make me feel in the present, it is only a temporary high. In that way it is exactly like an addiction to narcotics, which is a comparison I have often made… although I am not sure I have ever framed it in the context of a food-high. It is nevertheless quite apt a comparison. Foods – and especially unhealthy foods – give us an emotional high that makes us feel better now… even while it is making us fat and unhealthy. I suppose I do not need a twelve-step program; I only need to chat with my wife and then think about what she said as I write in my journal. Wisdom achieved.

    While I did not do so on purpose, I woke up and got ready earlier today than I usually do. I needed a shower – I just felt dingy – and then I took the Floof for her walk. I had my omelette, and as I sit here typing the end of today’s journal entry it is not yet 9:30am. Having had too many days when, knowing I am not working, I might procrastinate and check Facebook and whatever else until I realize that it is time for my midday meal replacement, and then wonder where the day went. Not today. By 9:45am I will be outside on the balcony with my coffee and cigar with my computer in front of me, noise-cancelling earplugs in to block out the distractions, and I will be studying until it actually is time for my midday meal replacement. In the afternoon I am getting together with friends (either one or two, depending on who shows up), and at 5:00pm I will send them on their merry way so that I can enjoy my late-afternoon meal replacement before I begin my class. Following my class I hope my wife will be free to talk, but I understand that when her son (my stepson) is with her she is not always able to do so. I might enjoy another cigar on the patio and, if Leslie is not available, I might watch television for an hour, comfortable in the knowledge that it is a short distraction after a full and productive day. I will try to be asleep at a reasonable hour.

    Okay, so right there was my first distraction. I went to check my calendar to see if I had forgotten anything I need to do today and ended up also checking a few other things. I lost maybe fifteen minutes on it and will still be out and getting things done in the next twenty minutes or so. I would give my ADHD meds credit for my not getting so easily distracted, and for not going down the rabbit hole for quite so long… but then why did I do so several days over the last week? No, I think this morning I am just focused and determined to be productive.

    Before I close, I do want to write a bit about the timing of my meal replacements. I mentioned last week that I suspected one of the reasons I failed a couple of times was that I was pushing my meal replacements too far, and in so doing I was letting my hunger get past the point of being satisfied by a 225-calorie meal replacement. Yesterday I realized at a certain point that I was due (or overdue) for my midday meal replacement, but I wanted to finish my cigar, so I waited even longer. I decided then to be cognizant of that and fight any urges that I might feel. I did feel somewhat peckish in the afternoon, but not so bad that I needed to cheat. The excellent cigar I was smoking (and the glass of iced tea) might have helped. I then forced myself to have my second meal replacement at 5:30pm, even though it was only three hours since my previous one. That way I was well positioned to prepare my final meal replacement at 8:45pm… at the tail end of the worst of my glumness, and early enough that I would feel accomplished in not eating any later in the evening (which is never good on any weight loss program).

    The timing of meal replacements on a program as extreme as this is so important to plan. Begin too early in the day and you can find yourself near the end of the day with no more allotment of calories, but still hungry. Begin too late in the day and you might find yourself eating or drinking the last one way too late to promote good sleep and healthy weight loss. When I was on the extreme program – remember, I am having my morning omelette so it is a modified program – I remember each time I began doing the math to see how far apart I should space them, as well as what time I should have the first one. There are other factors at play here… if you are commuting or taking care of a child or in meetings then it might be necessary to plan around those. That is why each person’s program will look a little bit different… but the stratagem are equally important to all of us.

    After an extremely good one yesterday I was hoping that I would be able to successfully move my bowels again today, but despite adding fibre to at least one and often two shakes every day, it seems the dry spell was only briefly interrupted by one good storm, and my efforts today have again thus far been to no avail. I would have thought that following the cheat day I would have at least gotten a couple of days of crap out of it, but so far that is not to be. The weird things we think of when dieting and trying to change our bodies. In any event, while my efforts in the W.C. provided none, I did get good news from the bathroom scale: I dropped the weight I had gained from Saturday’s cheat and my weight is once again below 260 lbs.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 256

    I slept very well last night, after yesterday’s monster walk. Leslie and I agree, however, that I pushed myself too far yesterday, and that I should dial it back a little bit. The way my legs are feeling (more last night than today, but still…) are a good indication that we are right about that. I should also mention that for the first time in my fitness walking journey, the insides of my thighs were chaffed last night, and required the application of baby powder. While that is not an indication of anything musculature, it is a reminder that when I plan a walk over 11km I should also take some precautionary measures.

    The numbers on the bathroom scale this morning were spectacular. Since the morning after I arrived in Dallas (ten days ago) I have lost ten pounds. I am thrilled by that, and even though I did not drop into the 310lbs range (I actually weigh 311lbs this morning), I am happy with another two-pound drop from yesterday. I know that type of progress will not be constant, but when it does happen, I am always going to celebrate it.

    This morning I prepared chocolate French toast for the family, but the boy decided he did not want any… likely as a passive aggressive protest against the man he sees as usurping his father’s place by his mother’s side. It is too bad, for too reasons. First, it was really tasty. Second, I ate what he did not. Rather than having a meal replacement, I had two and a half slices of French toast. Fortunately, I did not add syrup. That does not change the fact that the meal was not a smart one. I will do better the rest of the day. Of course, that will be contingent partly on Leslie’s son, who may decide that he wants us to bathe in deep-fried chicken shmaltz.

    I will not be fitness-walking today. I am taking the day off, and I will spend the entire day with the family. While the kid is mostly a good kid, he does his best to test the limits of his mother’s love. I understand better now why she often calls me with frayed nerves during her weeks with him. While it is easy for me to let his crap slide, I have been exposed to it for three days… she deals with it without any backup every other week. In short, this is just another reason why we need the State Department to let me move here sooner rather than later. His mother needs reinforcements!

    It is another beautiful day in Dallas, and looking at the forecast for Dallas and California it will be quite some time before I see another cloud or cold day. I am back in Canada two weeks today, and that might be it. The evenings are more comfortable than they were during the summer, but the daytime highs are still in the mid-eighties… and in California, the forecasted high temperatures from Tuesday through Friday range from 89° to 93° Fahrenheit. I am packing a couple pair of long pants and long-sleeve shirts (and a jacket) … but only because I have to go to synagogue for the holiday.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Further and Further!

    I set out on my walk today to see if I could come close to Thursday’s record-breaking walk. I have been happy that I have been able to not only crack the 7km ceiling that I seem to have had in Dallas, but do it a few times, and with gusto. In fact, breaking my distance record Thursday was a real milestone for me. Would I be able to match it?

    • Distance: 15.56km (13.02km)
    • Duration: 2:40:02 (2:08:09)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:17 (9:50)
    • Best Split-Pace Kilometre: 9m34 (9m40)
    • Steps: 19.3k (16.3k)
    • Calories burned: 1,871 (1,571)
    • Elevation gain: 76.5 (66.6)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 120 (126)

    I certainly was not breaking any speed records today, but I shattered all my previous distance-related marks. I was only able to break the 10m00s mark for three separate kilometres, which was disappointing. For the first couple of 10+ minute kilometres I made the excuse that because there was no sidewalk, I was walking on grass. Leslie has a better theory though, that I am essentially starving my body, and she is probably right.

    We had lunch at Panera Bread Company, and I had a salad with chicken. I also ate the roll that they gave me with it, which I probably should not have done, but which also probably fueled the last five kilometres of my walk. For dinner, Leslie and the boy are preparing a pasta salad, which Leslie knows is not on my diet, but it is something that he helps to prepare, and he is excited to ‘cook’ for me. I am not depriving him of that. No, I should not be eating pasta, but I should also not be disappointing a seven-year-old boy who wants to show off for his new step-father. I expect that the near-1900 calories I burned during the walk will more than make up for whatever I eat this evening.

    Once again, I know it doesn’t count… but I got onto the bathroom scale after my shower, and was down more than two pounds from this morning. It was nice to see 310.8lbs on the scale… even though I never count weigh-ins at 6:00pm! Hopefully tomorrow morning the scale will be equally nice… but it is a lot to expect a weight loss of two pounds in a day… even with the monster walks!

    I will not be walking tomorrow, for several reasons… not the least of which is that I need a day or two to recover from today. Monday I am flying to California, so while I started October with a bang, I do not expect the next three days to be nearly as impressive.

  • Day 202

    I had a harder time yesterday than I have in quite a few weeks, and I am not sure where it came from. To start with, I had a bowl of popcorn in the afternoon. Thankfully it is the last of the popcorn that I had in the house, so that will not become a habit. In the early evening, after my second shake, I was still hungry. I knew there were bagels in the freezer, and I was so tempted to pull one out, defrost it, and really ruin my diet. To curb that temptation, I decided instead to make a salad. I did not add tuna or salmon to it, only vegetables, salad dressing, and pumpkin seeds. There was nothing satisfying or even enjoyable about the salad… but it did the job of distracting me from the evil bagel, which was the point of the exercise.

    I will also mention that, once again, I forewent my evening shake because of the ‘cheating,’ which is probably why my weight this morning is exactly what it was yesterday, and not up.

    I took a break from walking yesterday, giving my legs a chance to recover somewhat. When I woke up this morning, my legs were achier than they have been in the last few weeks. Sometime last week I realized how nice it was that I was not having the next-day leg cramps that I had at the beginning. I wonder if it is because I had not been giving myself any chance to recover. Either way, the aches are not a bad thing. They are a reminder that my muscles are being used and strengthened, and that is all part of getting back into shape.

    Speaking of getting into shape, I need to have a conversation with my friend who owns the Taekwondo school this week. I do not know how that conversation will go, but I do want to speak with him. My plan right now is to start practicing and re-teaching myself at the park… but we will see how that goes.

    My goal for today is to get through today. I was weak on food yesterday, and I did not exercise. I will try to be stronger today, and if my legs are okay, I will go for a walk. I have other things I need to take care of though… and I do not want to injure myself by not recovering fully. We’ll see at the end of my class.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 154

    I did not sleep well last night, and so after I had breakfast, I went back to sleep. I got up and showered, and while I am staying awake, I am wondering if I will ever regain my energy levels. It is seldom that I am this tired for having done nothing.

    My weight this morning was excellent… I dropped to my lowest weight of the year. I did not trust it, so I got onto the scale again, and sure enough… same number. Yay.

    For lunch today we had the rest of the chicken soup with matza ball, and we each had half a deli sandwich. They were wonderful… but I will not be rushing to pick up more of them. We may assume that I have been losing weight in part due to my illness, and the fact that I am eating smaller portions because of it. Even eating the terribly unhealthy sandwich, as I am only eating half of it, is not terribly bad. When I am healthy, I would be devouring the entire sandwich. Bad idea.

    There is another school of thought to consider. While I am eating with Leslie, I am moderating my portions. While I should be doing that even when I am not with her, having her with me forces it. Before anyone asks no, Leslie is not forcing me or guilting me into smaller portions. I know that the smaller portions are what I should be eating, and so I am trying to eat that while I am with her. Maybe being with Leslie is not only good for my soul, but is also good for weight loss?

    I have not had a cigar since Saturday. I am thinking I might try to have one today, but I will see. I will not be pulling out a very good cigar, rather I would smoke something that is less expensive, just to see if I can taste it properly, and if my lungs are okay with it.

    Speaking of that, I am disappointed that I did not lose my sense of taste. Leslie did, and that is a very common symptom of Covid. I would have been happy to lose it… it is easier to lose weight when you do not get any pleasure out of food!

    This evening I am going to prepare breaded chicken breasts with a salad. Tomorrow I will have to do some shopping, as we will be out of a few of the vegetables. For today, we have everything we need.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 84

    I regained half a pound from yesterday, but that is not surprising, knowing that I had lost over a pound over the last few days. I am still maintaining below 350 lbs, which is confidence inspiring. It means that what I have been doing is working.

    It is likely that before I finish this article, My Weight Loss Diary 2022 will hit eighty thousand words… not to mention the 120 pages that I am glad are not on paper. It is the third journal I have started over the past five years, which would be filling well over five hundred pages if I were to ever print them all out. I would not be worried about all of that paper if I knew that I could inspire readers with huge success; as it is, with two failed attempts behind me (which is to say, I have lost over one hundred pounds twice and gained them all back twice), I would consider it a waste of paper and dead trees to print them out.

    Yes, I am a little fatalistic this morning. While they do say that the third time is a charm, I also know that I have been addicted to food – primarily, the wrong foods – for far too long. I know that I have to not only succeed at the diet now, but I have to then find a way to maintain the weight loss for the rest of my life. Even if I do not get back to my absolute ideal weight, I cannot slip back into my old ways. In September of 2020 – less than two years ago – I weighed 260 pounds. I was still about sixty pounds overweight, but I was also ninety pounds (more or less) lighter than I am today… and a good one hundred and thirty pounds lighter than I was on Day 1. Okay, I fell off the program… but instead of finding a way to maintain my weight, I slipped back into my old unhealthy ways. Yes, there were all sorts of stresses that can explain why it happened… Yes, I lost my job, and yes, I lost my visa status (although to be fair, I did not realize that at the time). Yes, my father passed away. Yes, I ended up very suddenly and unexpectedly moving back to Canada. All of those were terrible things… but I still should have found a way to not fall back into my old ways.

    A little over a month ago, I had a terrible day. It was not yet noon when I told Leslie that I was off the diet for the day. I went to Wendy’s and got a burger and fries. I can’t remember what else I ate that day, but I ate a lot more that day. I was bad. I was terrible. The next morning, as I had told her I would, I was back on track. I did exactly what I should have done in September, 2020… I had a cheat day, and then I got right back onto the horse. In September 2020 after the Jewish High Holidays, the rabbi gathered his volunteers (of which I was one) and gave us all cookies and tequila. I figured, “What the Hell? It’s only one night!” I then went to the supermarket and picked up fried chicken for dinner. Only the special was however many pieces for five dollars, and that was enough for a few meals. I ate it that night, the following night, and the next night as well… and my diet was done. The downward spiral began and did not stop until January of this year… one hundred and thirty pounds later.

    I cannot let that happen again. I need to stay focused, but if I lose my way for a day, I have to get right back onto the horse… not the next week, rather the next day. I have to keep on track. That is the only way I will ever be able to lose the weight and keep it off permanently. That is my goal.

    I wrote about my food intake for yesterday last night. During the lectures, I went through a bunch of sugar-free lozenges. I suspect that despite them being sugar-free, they will still be bad for my weight loss. No matter, they helped to stave off my hunger until I got over the emotional roller coaster. During the dinner break, as planned, I had my last shake of the evening. At our last break, I was truly hungry, and I had one of the meal-replacement bars (160 calories instead of the 225 in the shakes), but that won’t kill me. I drank more water throughout the evening than I have been doing, and so my rest room breaks were more frequent than they have been.

    I made the decision, and have discussed it with Leslie, that I will be taking a hiatus from my diet while we are in Cuba. More accurately, from the time I pick her up from the airport the night before we leave until the time I drop her off at the airport after we are back, I will be mindful of what I eat, but I will not be dieting. That means that I can eat and drink freely in Cuba… I just want to be careful not to gain too much back. I also need to promise myself that immediately upon after that time period I get back on the wagon, which means the morning of May 18th I will be back on the program. That happens to be the day that HRF Princess Sophie goes to the spa, but that is not important. The diet resumes that morning!