Losing a part of me

Category: Sleep

  • Day 1049

    I am always pleased when I see good numbers on the bathroom scale. It has dropped seven of the last eight days, for a total loss in that time of 11.8 lbs. Woohoo!

    There are times when numbers are important, and there are times when they can have a deceptive or misleading affect on us. Why is it that I see a difference of two or three points on my sleep score as being relevant? A few days ago I was disappointed that it was only a 79, yet this morning I was thrilled that it was 82. It does not make sense, but there we have it. It is not as if I am taking a test, and the difference between passing and failing is those three points. Yes, my sleep score was 82… and I woke up after eight hours of sleep… at 5:45am. I should mention that I did not change my routine last night, and I did not wake up with a headache. Maybe I am getting used to the new element.

    I got a lot done yesterday, and I still managed to get onto the treadmill for 5km… although I was dragging a bit and decided to slow my pace for the last kilometre. With that, and this morning’s walk with Her Floofness, I am under 4km from reaching the 1024kms goal of the fitness challenge. If I get on the treadmill today, then I will achieve it. If not, then it will be tomorrow morning. Either way, I am glad that I am approaching the finish line on that. I am hoping that I will be able to keep this habit going into the new year and beyond.

    I am meeting friends for dinner this evening and I am going to have to be careful, and possibly even deceitful. They are in from out of town, so I want to see them, but eating out is not a good idea. I am likely going to tell them that I am not feeling well so I will just have a drink as they eat. We’ll see.

    I am actually meeting someone else for coffee this morning, but he is local and that is a business meeting. Still and all, he is going to offer to buy me a muffin or doughnut. That is going to be easy to decline. He is a larger man and likely understands the challenges of taking it off and keeping it off. With him it will be easy to say ‘Sorry, I am on a diet… but you should enjoy one.’

    I realized last night that I had volunteered to make potato latkes for my Lodge’s holiday dinner (which is December 17th). When I discussed it with Leslie she agreed that it was a very bad idea… there is too much temptation for me to make such a dish while I am on a strict diet. I decided that I am going to let them know that I will not be able to deliver on that promise. It is bad enough that I will be eating the turkey dinner that night… deep-fried latkes would not be a smart addition to it.

    As I prepare to close out this article, I am looking at the bottom of the page in my Microsoft Word document. The page number is 999, which means that unless I am very short tomorrow, then I will cross that threshold on Day 1050. I know that over the last 1049 days I have had a lot of good days and too many bad ones, but I think it is this journal that has, more than anything, kept me from falling off the cliff completely. There were days when I was angry and just posted a word or two… and there were a number of days when I forgot to write but got back to it the next day. Each time I open this document I am reminded that I need to try to do better today than I did yesterday. That is my goal.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1048

    I passed my exam yesterday! I was nervous… it was a grueling exam, and I was reasonably certain as I left the examination room that I had failed. When I got to the reception area and the woman at the desk handed me the paper with my results, she handed it to me upside down. I turned it over to see a single word… if the first word says ‘Congratulations’ then it was a pass. I was thrilled about it! Now I have to go through the entire process of getting endorsed so that I can pay my annual dues and advertise the certification. Yes, it is a bit of a pain compared to a lot of the previous certifications that I have earned (pass exam = certification) … but that’s what happens when you move up into the big leagues I suppose!

    With all of the pre-exam cramming and post-exam relief, it was late in the afternoon before I had a meal replacement. I then had a cigar with my wife (video chat is hard, but at least we were able to connect) and then decided to get onto the treadmill for a 5km walk. Following that, I showered and then decided to make myself eggs instead of another meal replacement. As I mentioned to Leslie yesterday, the only thing wrong with that is my cholesterol; she responded (tongue-in-cheek) that this week cholesterol may be bad, but we’ll see what it is next week. Yes, the medical community does seem to change their opinions from time to time.

    My sleep score was only 76, but I still felt pretty good when I woke up… probably because when I woke up at 4:00am thinking I was awake for the day, I was able to fall back asleep until 7:15. I am still waking up with a headache… after four nights of the same I have to think that the added element to my sleep regimen, which certainly does help me to fall asleep, is the cause. I will experiment with dosages and brands to see if I can both get to sleep and wake up without the headache.

    The bathroom scale this morning has me down 1.6 lbs. from yesterday, which means that after one week on the program I am down just over ten pounds. Yay! I will try to keep on the downward trend for the entire month of December… how wonderful would it be to lose another 15-20 lbs. before New Years Day?

    I am off to see a buddy this afternoon. I will do my best to stay true to my program so that I can continue to lose weight. When I come home, I will get onto the treadmill. I will do my best. The only cheating I plan to do this month is with turkey dinners that I am invited to. Other than that… I will stay true.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1047

    Yesterday I did pretty well on the program… until the evening. It is amazing how badly emotional pain can affect me. I cheated… but not badly. My eating yesterday consisted of:

    • Breakfast omelette
    • Two meal replacement shakes
    • One protein bar
    • Two poached eggs at night.

    Believe me, I wanted to cheat much worse than two poached eggs… but I did not.

    I also managed 5km on the treadmill, and for the second day in a row I hit the steps-goal on my fitness watch. Yesterday’s goal was 9,930, and I took just short of 11,000 steps. Today’s steps-goal is 10,130. I will do my best to get onto the treadmill and hit that goal, but frankly my exam is this afternoon, and that is my number one priority. If I can get some studying in and then hit the treadmill, then I will be thrilled. If not, then I will try to get onto the treadmill after the exam. That, however, might be tight because of a few other things I have going on today.

    There is a site called MapMyFitness.com which I have mentioned a couple of times over the past couple of years. I do not think I have mentioned it this year, but last year they had a challenge to walk/run 1023km in 2023. This year they extended that challenge to 1024km in 2024. This is not about the number of steps we take throughout the day, rather only in actual registered workouts. I hit the ground running early in the year, but then fell off a few times. I have start-stopped my walking so many times that it is hard to keep track of. Of course, on days when I do not do an actual workout, I often register my walks with Princess Sophie for the challenge, so even with nothing else, considering the average distance I walk with the doggo per day is 3km, without any other workouts I should still surpass 1024km handily by mid-December. However, since I do not always register our walks together, and since I spent a lot of time out of town (whether in Cuba or Dallas), I have not walked her about ten weeks this year. Yes, I do a lot of walking when I am in Cuba… but I do not register walking around as exercising. Anyways, I am happy that with yesterday’s treadmill walk I surpassed 1000km on the year, and I am now a scant 18km from reaching the goal. I thought there was a prize drawing for all of the people who completed the challenge, but sometime in the last few months it seems the site was sold by Under Armour to a company called Outside, and they do not seem to be offering any prizes other than the online badge. I am okay with that, since only 2-3 participants who finished the challenge would have been chosen at random for a prize package, and I have a better chance of getting hit by space debris than winning (186,000 participants, and I am in the top 12.51%, which means that a little over 23,200 people have either completed or are within 18km of completing the goal. I’m good with the online badge!

    My sleep score was only 79 last night, but I felt much better rested than I usually do in the morning. That might have something to do with my having gotten up at 4:15am to pee and thinking as I lay there that I might as well get out of bed because I was not falling back a…. and then I was out again. My body battery only got up to a 56, and I really have no idea how to improve on that… other than losing all of the weight that I want to lose, and then figuring out how to get a good night’s sleep.

    My weight dropped for the third day in a row, but only by half a pound. While I would love much bigger losses, I have to understand that going forward I will need to be happy with a 3-4 pound drop per week, and will not be experiencing those huge per-day losses as I did at the outset. I just don’t have that much excess weight to lose that would account for a 10 lbs. drop week after week. If I can lose 3.5 lbs. per week for the next ten weeks then I will still not be at my best weight ever… but I will fit comfortably into all of my custom tailored clothes… except for what might be too large on me.

    I was speaking with my diet buddy yesterday and recognized a pattern in her that I brought up, and we had a good chat about it. Every time she talks about her progress or slipping, she spends fifteen minutes talking about how other people look and what they do and how they must look at her… and at the end she says, ‘and of course I am disappointed with myself.’ I told her that it seems that she equates her own value to how others are or how they look, but because everyone tells her that weight loss should be for ourselves she ends it with ‘oh and me.’ It is like someone going on and on about what is wrong with Jews, and then saying, ‘but of course I don’t have anything against Jews.’ It is obvious they do, but they know it is wrong, so they say that. I asked her if she has ever spoken to a professional about her weight issues. It seems to me that she will never be satisfied with her weight until she is happy with who she is as a person. I think I gave her a lot to think about, and she told me that she is going to try to find a therapist for that. I am always happy when I can help her… or anyone else for that matter.

    …now if I could only get my own head in a good place, life would be grand.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1046

    After two days of missing it, I hit my steps goal yesterday. I walked four kilometres on the treadmill, in addition to being out and about quite a bit. I was rewarded with:

    • A sleep score of 80, based on 7h20m of sleep
    • A Body Battery of 56 when I woke up… not great.
    • Another drop on the bathroom scale… down 1.2 lbs.

    My sleep score is still not where I would like for it to be, but it has started to get better this week since I am exercising… as well as the new ‘supplement’ that I am taking to help me fall asleep. Yes, I am still waking up with a slight headache, but it is not nearly as bad today as it was a couple of days ago.

    In speaking with Leslie yesterday, she berated me for stopping in to buy almonds. She is right of course. I have to stop supplementing what I am supposed to be eating. It is not just about losing weight… it is about changing my habits. Staying away from the store is a good step toward doing that.

    My plans for today are to stay on track. In a few minutes I will press ‘Save’ on this journal entry, and I will log off the computer. I will change into my jogging kit and get onto the treadmill. After that, I will shower and enjoy a meal replacement. In the afternoon I am meeting with my diet buddy in Yukon; we have not connected in way too long, and it is time… especially since both of us are trying to get back on track.

    The weather is still too windy for me to walk outside, but the forecast is for the wind to die down somewhat by late afternoon, which means I might actually sit out to enjoy a cigar with my wife on a video chat. We will see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1045

    Yesterday was not an easy day for me. It was the thirty-year anniversary of the day I was conscripted into the Army. There are so many memories, so many friends, so many regrets. Everything came right into my consciousness shortly after I woke up, and there I was right until I fell asleep.

    I actually tried to sleep a few times yesterday. I lay down for a nap at 10:45am, but did not manage to get to sleep. I rested for a while but eventually decided to get up and try to go about my day. I tried a few hours later, once again abandoning hope because sleep just would not come. I did get some rest, as well as cuddle time with a doggie… but no sleep. My sleep last night, following the new element that I added to my evening routine, was a little better… I slept a bit over seven hours, and my sleep score was 78. My body battery was up to 73 this morning, and a few hours after waking up it is back down to 58. Reasonable considering the walk with my dog.

    I am going to spend an hour on the treadmill once this article goes live, and then I have to head out to Grimsby for a meeting. Without traffic that will be about a 30-minute drive. I am excited about what I will be doing, but it is not for publication. My only goal with regard to my plan is to stick with it… I have been doing pretty well this week, and I need to stick to it.

    I told Leslie last night that I had decided that this morning my weight would drop below the terrible mark. Of course, this is a silly thing to say; even when I do everything right in a day, it is impossible to be sure that my weight would drop… let alone so significantly (my weight yesterday morning was 301.4). As I got ready to step onto the bathroom scale, I was silently hoping to see a success… and I did. Of course, the fact that my weight had dropped below the horrible mark does not mean that it will stay there… I have to stay on track today, and even if I do that does not mean that the fluctuations will not bring the numbers up again. I have to remember that weight loss has to be about the downward trend, and not about the individual points on the graph.

    Today is the first cold day. When I was getting dressed to take HRF Princess Sophie out this morning, the weather app on my phone read -3° (Feels like: -13°). Knowing that such a difference between actual temperature and ‘feels like’ means that it is very windy, I eschewed my regular sleeveless vest in lieu of my actual winter jacket. I was pleased that it kept me warm… although my extremities (mostly my hands) were still feeling it; yes, I have a great pair of gloves… but I have to remove them to pick up after doggie, as well as to pause my audio book every time another dog-parent approaches. As for the Princess, she still looks at me some days as if to say ‘Yeah, when we met in California and I agreed to be your doggie… this is not what I signed up for!’ Of course, she still does not like wearing her coat. It is interesting that none of my kids particularly like coats either.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1044

    Weight loss is not linear. Weight loss is not linear. I have to keep repeating that to myself on mornings like these, when I mostly stuck to the program the previous day, and yet the bathroom scale has me up by nearly a pound. What does mostly stuck mean? I had my usual breakfast, then after walking 3km on the treadmill I had a meal replacement shake. Later in the day I had one of the protein bars that I took with me, but I added a small handful of almonds because I was not fully sated. When I got home (after 9:15pm) I had another meal replacement shake.

    There are two ways of looking at my short treadmill walk from yesterday. Yes, I only walked 3km. On the other hand, on a day when I did not want to walk at all, I walked 3km. I did not extend my steps-goal streak as I hoped to, but I still did something.

    I added a new element into my evening routine last night that I am hoping will help me to fall asleep on nights when I cannot. I know that I fell asleep very quickly last night, but I wonder about the long-term efficacy of this new element. I was up twice to pee (that is not unheard of) and I had a bit of a headache from it. Also, according to my fitness watch, my sleep score was only 67… not very good. My body batter did not get higher than a 37 and is now down to 29 (four hours after waking up). I am not blaming this new element for any of this… it could all be a coincidence. I will try it a few more times before deciding if falling asleep faster is worth the down sides.

    I have to pick up a few things from the supermarket today, as well as collecting my dry cleaning. Other than that, I do not have much planned for the day. I will exercise – most likely on the treadmill, as the high temperature is forecast to be around 2°… a bit chilly. With that said, if it is not too windy then I will have a cigar on the balcony later on… hopefully with my wife on video.

    I have been getting very stressed lately when people ask me about my immigration process. People do not seem to understand that I will tell them when there is news, but until there is then every single time they ask me is like stabbing at me, and I am no longer staying calm and patient about it. I am swearing at them and am going to start cutting people out of my life. Unfriending them on Facebook is easy… I am also going to stop seeing people in real life who don’t stop asking. From now on they will get one warning and that’s it.

    Oh, and I also plan to do some studying for the exam that I am taking on Monday. I am stressed about that as well, but I am starting to feel more confident that I might pass.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1042

    The Microsoft Word document that I keep these entries in is now 993 pages long. That accounts for 1,147 journal entries comprising over 667,000 words over nearly three years. That is a lot of successes and a lot of failures; a lot of ups and downs (in my weight, my life, my emotional state, and more). It includes a lot of travel… but mostly to Dallas and California and Cuba. It includes a lot of great advice to myself (I do not ever want to give anyone else advice), some of which is easier to follow short-term than long.

    As an example of advice I do not seem to follow through on: I have been very clear that I lose weight faster and feel better when I am exercising. I then let work and travel and life get in the way, and I get out of the habit of exercising. It is maddening because I love doing it, but sometimes it is hard to fit in… and then just like that I am out of the habit of exercising.

    On that note, I did get out for a walk yesterday. While my pace was slower than the previous day, the distance was nearly identical. Whether it was because of the weather, or my choice of shoes, or the fact that I had walked the previous day so my muscles needed to recover… whatever it was, my pace was thirteen seconds per kilometre slower than Monday, and the same route (in reverse) took me 1m50s longer. In other words… not a big difference, and I am really just nitpicking.

    I was hoping that the exercise would help me to sleep. That did not happen. I was in bed early but tossed and turned until nearly 2:30am before I finally nodded off. How I achieved even 70 for my sleep score I do not know. My body battery was up to an abysmal (for the morning) 34. I hope that I make it through the day! There has been speculation that from time to time my cigar smoking might keep me awake. If that is true (and the science suggests that it is) then I can assure you that it has not been a contributing factor these last few days. I have not smoked a cigar since the weekend. That will end today. More on that later.

    Another bit of advice that I give myself and do not follow is not to cheat. I broke that yesterday when I bought a couple of rolls (which I am eating with breakfast) as well as a handful of peanuts and trail mix. I should not have done that. What I should have done was sit in the traffic and when I got home had a shake. No, that is not what I did. Instead, I pulled off the highway and stopped in at Fortinos to buy the cheats. How undisciplined am I? I mean, I was on my way home from Costco and I had protein bars in the car! Why didn’t I just eat one of those? I need to control myself.

    While I did not manage to sleep well, and with my slight cheat yesterday, I still managed to drop about 3.5 lbs. from yesterday. The bowel movement helped, but so too did the exercise and mostly good eating. Hopefully I can continue on that trend for a few days. If I do, then by next week I should be back below the terrible mark.

    When I do go back to eating, I need to eat smaller portions. There is no good reason for me to eat a whole chicken in a day. End of story. Yet there it is, that is what I do. While I commend myself for cutting almost to zero how often I eat at restaurants (I do so occasionally with friends, and when I am with my wife), but when I am alone? I can count on one hand the number of times I have done so in the last six months. All this to say that while I have improved my habits somewhat, I am almost completely negating the improved behaviours by ignoring the bad ones. I have to prepare smaller portions if I want to improve long term!

    I followed my plans pretty well yesterday. I went for a good walk; I came home and had a shower and then a meal replacement shake. I studied for a few hours; I went to Costco to return an item and to pick up meal replacement bars. I got to bed early, although I did not fall asleep. I will try to get to bed early again tonight.

    The original plan was for my friend Mitchell and I to drive down to Niagara Falls, NY tomorrow. He needs to pick up a package, and I’m going to go along for the drive. When I told Leslie she reminded me that tomorrow is American Thanksgiving and that everything will be closed. Because of that, we changed the plan and are driving down there today. I suspect that we will stop off to smoke a cigar, which I have not done in a few days. I might bring some home with me, but it would not be very many… I would declare them, and I do not want to be killed on the customs and duties. We should be home by dinner time, and I will do my best to get a good night sleep tonight.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1040

    I was a bit surprised to see that my weight was up slightly this morning, but not terribly so. Today I will be eating the last of the chicken that I have in the house, and starting tomorrow I will be eating breakfast and then only meal replacements for the rest of the day. If my knee holds out I will also start walking. In fact, It looks to be a pretty nice day out today (albeit chilly), so I may go for a walk after my appointment.

    I do not know if this is the time that I will start and get all the way to my goal weight, but I am going to try. To that end, I printed a new fridge chart to encourage me. I have to do more than print papers though; I need to redouble my efforts and make it happen. I have to stop eating but more than that I need to stop cheating. I need to change my attitude toward food, and I need to once and for all break the unhealthy relationship that I have with food.

    While I am planning to walk outside today (with high temperatures of 7°C (41°F), I just went into my bedroom and cleaned everything off the treadmill. If it is my intention to use it this winter to keep active, then I have to as of right now stop using it to hang clothes. Yes, that stereotype is real… except in my case it will be temporary.

    Yes, I went to the supermarket yesterday. Knowing that I have a meal or two left, I purchased vegetables so that I can have a salad with them. I also bought a handful of trail mix which I should not have done… but I also thought about buying breakfast cereal and stopped myself. A smaller transgression is better than a larger one.

    I finally got a good night’s sleep. I woke up feeling refreshed, and while my body battery was low from the time I woke up, the 80 on my sleep score was a relief to see. I will try to sleep well again tonight and am hoping that if I do exercise then it will contribute to that.

    When I picked up my prescription meds yesterday, I also took the opportunity to get my Covid-19 and Flu vaccines. I have still had no ill effects and hope this proactive measure will help to keep me healthy.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1039

    I am two pounds closer to the terrible mark this morning than I was yesterday. I was disgusted with myself that I weighed over 305 the last three days, and am really glad that starting tomorrow I am going back to eating breakfast and then meal replacements only.

    I am still not sleeping very well… I took the pill last night but it still took a while to fall asleep. Once I did, I had very weird and disturbing dreams. I will likely be tired today, but I will do my best to not nap so that I will be able to fall asleep at night without medicinal help.

  • Day 1038

    I took a nap yesterday afternoon, and paid for it at night… I could not fall asleep. So this afternoon, after I came back from my busy morning, I did the same thing. I know… that was stupid. I told Leslie that I will probably take a sleeping pill this evening (despite how much I hate doing that) in order to try to get back on track.

    I did not write much yesterday, so I did not write about the previous day; on Thursday when I brought my car in to change my tyres I went for a walk. I walked 5km, thinking I was not making very good time. In fact, I was making very good time, despite the lack of athletic shoes. I am not unhappy that I was doing about 9.5 minutes per kilometre wearing my Blundstones!

    I am still not back on track… but I am working on it. Hopefully today was better than the previous few days, and the numbers on the bathroom scale will reflect as much tomorrow. I also mentioned to Leslie earlier today that for the first time in my memory I am getting bored with chicken. While there are a lot of ways I could address that, I decided that once the chicken I have in my fridge is done, I will go back to two meal replacements per day (plus my usual breakfast). I would like to get down not only under the terrible mark, but much lower. I may not be able to do it over the holidays, but if I can get down to 280 lbs. before Hanukkah they I will be quite happy with myself.

    Have a great day folks!