Losing a part of me

Category: Sleep

  • Day 968

    My sleep score was back in the low 90s from last night. I feel much better throughout the day when I get a good night sleep… but that is not surprising or frankly very insightful. My body battery was an incredible 98 this morning as well.

    My weight was up again – Leslie made a delicious lamb for dinner, and we decided to splurge and pick up pie and ice cream for dessert. I do not mind that I am gaining a few pounds for her last few days here – we are enjoying our way too limited time together, and if that involves splurging then so be it.

    We bought a challah for Shabbat yesterday and I was going to make French toast for breakfast, but when I realized I was missing a couple of key ingredients, we opted instead to eat breakfast out. I will make the French toast tomorrow.

    While I did not exercise yesterday, between walking Princess Sophie and the many errands we ran, I still recorded 11,700 steps. I am happy with that. Because of the amount of exercising I have done of late, I still did not hit my goal according to Garmin… my fitness tracker wanted me to hit 13,950… and so be it.

    We have some errands to run today as well, but nothing on the scale that we needed to do yesterday. We have to go to Walmart and Shoppers Drug Mart, but that’s it. In the evening we will be connecting with some of my lodge brothers for cigars, which is the only social activity that we had planned for the week. We still do not plan to be out too late – I hope that we can be home by 10:00pm.

    Tomorrow is a sad day… I will have to drive my wife to the airport, and we will say goodbye for another month or so. I plan to buy a ticket to go see her next month… I might even do that right now.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 966

    I woke up this morning to see that my sleep score was a 68. This, after two nights in a row of the highest sleep scores I can remember (90 and 94). I don’t know what I did wrong, but I am sure I will feel it throughout the day. My body battery is an abysmal 39 at 9:30am… I have taken Princess Sophie out so I have likely depleted that somewhat, but 39? Yick.

    I did not feel like exercising yesterday. I told Leslie as we sat on the balcony after lunch that I did not want to go out for a walk… and so I did. I jogged the first kilometre (6m46s) and then walked… and while I doubt I broke any personal records, I certainly smashed my best times for this year on a couple of kilometres! Six split kilometres were under 9m32s, and one was even under nine minutes flat! I felt great throughout… but around kilometre number seven I started to feel a blister developing on my right heel. Yes, I wore one of the two pair of running shoes I have that are extremely great for performance… but also cause blisters. By the time I had 9km behind me I was ready to limp home. I didn’t of course… but I did stop at Shopper’s Drug Mart to pick up a bottle of Gatorade and to replenish my water. For the next few days, I will be wearing the other shoes that may not let me perform as well… but they also do not tear up my feet. I will also be bandaging that heel until it is properly healed.

    Here is a tip for all pedestrians: I will gladly give you right of way for a lot of reasons, but not if your eyes are buried in your phone as you walk right at me. Even if I was not 6’2” and 280 pounds, I would still walk like a bulldozer. I am not easy to miss! As I walked up Headon Forest Drive, there were two girls from the Catholic high school who were walking toward me, side by each. One of them was looking up, the other was not. I saw them from 150 feet and assumed that at some point the one girl would look up, or at least her friend would tell her that she should do so. Neither of those happened, so when I was 15 feet from them, I said (in my best Drill Sergeant’s voice) Look Up! This is not something new to me – I remember doing it when I was in Japan a decade ago. The girl freaked out, hiding behind her friend and doing her best to get as far away from me as possible. Am I that scary? I don’t know… but I will not break my stride for you if you do not look up from your phone for that long. In truth, I suspected she might call the police because she was so frightened… but I did not look back at her, and no police cruiser stopped me (From that point I stayed on the same street for over 3km… I was not hiding!) so I guess I’m okay.

    After not wanting to exercise but going out anyways, I was pleased to see another drop on the bathroom scale this morning. I did not get to cross off anything on the chart this morning, but dropping nearly a pound still felt good. I am now at my best weight since June 16! I suspect with what I have planned for today it will be the last day of losing weight… but we will see.

    Yesterday I prepared egg salad sandwiches for lunch. It was my first attempt at egg salad, and while it was not great, it was also not bad. For dinner I made seared tuna with a sesame crust and a side of rice. Leslie and I were joking that with good tuna you just need to show it the pan… but in all seriousness I think I needed to keep them on the heat a little bit longer. Live and learn, right? We had fabulous cigars in the evening, paired with two different Cuban rums that were both smoother than silk. A good time was had by all, but we were both quite inebriated by the time we hit the sack.

    I don’t know if I mentioned it this year, but I know I did last year. One of the apps that I use has a yearly challenge called You Vs. The Year. You have to log 1,024 kilometres of activity to be eligible to win the prizes (which I have no expectation of winning). Considering I was not exercising for a few months I am thrilled that I am currently at 744.89km on the year and am in the top 14.1% of 172,500 participants. Yes, it does log my walks with Sophie, so while I was not exercising at least I was not stagnating. I seem to recall last year hoping that I would complete the challenge by October. If I continue to walk as I have been these last few weeks then that is a real possibility for this year as well.

    I mentioned a few paragraphs ago that I do not expect I will be losing weight today. I am planning on picking up shawarma for a late lunch. More often than not that is a recipe for gaining weight. I will likely not have much for dinner, but it won’t matter… shawarma is both fattening and salty, which means that tomorrow my weight will almost certainly be up. It is also extremely tasty… and a nice occasional treat that my wife and I both love.

    I am not sure if I am going to walk today or not. The only reason why I would not is the blister on my heel. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 963

    Leslie arrived last night! She got in late, but I did not mind waiting. I feel so much happier when she is here (or when I am there). We did not turn off the lights to sleep until after 1:00am, so I may not have slept as long as I would have liked… but I slept much sounder knowing she was next to me.

    Despite eating more than I would have liked to yesterday (I had three meals, plus a protein bar at 11:00pm because I was hungry), the bathroom scale was still kind to me this morning. I have now lost a little more than the four pounds that I gained Friday into Saturday morning. I am still nearly five pounds heavier than I was a week ago, but that will come off soon enough. I have to be patient and remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint.

    I am still feeling the effects of the preparation for my procedure, which is not good news for my bowels. We decided to have pizza for lunch. I am hoping that the carbs will do something to start binding me.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 957

    While I was not pleased to see that my weight was slightly up this morning, I am comforted to know that I did everything right yesterday, and that the slight rise was likely just a blip. How often have I said that it is not about the points on the graph, but rather the downward trend that matters? I had a very good jog/walk yesterday and did the same today. I ate the same thing both days, which is also the same as what I have been eating these last few days. I am not too upset about it and know that tomorrow my weight will be better.

    Yesterday’s workout started with a 1km jog, and then I walked another 7km. I am not sure why my walking time was so slow – over ten minutes per kilometre, except for the first and last two walking kilometres. I am not sure that my choice of footwear is not a factor, and I am not terribly upset by it. This afternoon’s walk (also just over 8km) was walking only, and the slowest kilometre (the first) was the only one slower than 9m30s per kilometre. I was quite pleased with that, and came home, showered, and then made my lunch. It has been cooler these last couple of days than it had been, but I do not think that was a factor because the weather both days was similar.

    I have finally had a successful bowel movement! Ah, the weird things that we share when we are writing about weight loss. It had been several days since I had really succeeded, with minor attempts yesterday morning and today. It was not until nearly 4pm today that I sat down on the potty and really felt good when I got up again. I am hoping that will contribute to a decent number on the bathroom scale tomorrow morning. Here’s hoping!

    I have still not been sleeping wonderfully, but at least I am sleeping. I hope as I continue to exercise and to lose weight that my sleep might improve. We will see. As it stands, at least from Sunday when Leslie arrives, I should be sleeping better for a few nights. I always sleep better when she is next to me.

    My buddy Eduardo came over for a cigar after lunch. We had not seen each other since June, and it was great to catch up with him. I have been remiss in seeing a few of my friends of late. It is not that I do not think about them, but sometimes it is hard, and life just gets in the way. Later this evening another friend is coming over for another cigar. I am glad that I got my exercise in early!

    We are now in the month of September, and you can feel it in the air. While the days are mostly still warm, I have had to don long pants in the morning and the evening. Pretty soon the high temperatures will be in the teens, and autumn will truly be upon us. I will continue to remember that complaining about the weather is not the most effective use of my time… for all the good it will do.

    This Saturday I have to go for a procedure that I am a bit nervous about. As a fifty-two-year-old man, I need to have parts of me checked that I am not looking forward to having checked. I am less excited for all of the preparation that needs to happen, including no solid foods starting Friday morning, plus a regimen of what seems to be to be laxatives… I assume to ensure no unpleasant surprises to the doctor performing the procedure. None of this sounds fun, and I have just made a list of what I need to purchase from the pharmacy this afternoon… including the meds and broth mix (which may take me to a supermarket). Rest assured I will have a proper meal the moment I get home. To make matters worse, I will not be allowed to drive for the rest of the day following the procedure, so I have had to ask a friend to drive me home. I have also been told that I cannot take any more fibre starting today (well, Saturday really… but I only read the instructions this afternoon. I am going to try to reach the clinic to find out if this is a deal breaker requiring me to reschedule, or if we are okay). On the plus side of all of this, I should expect pretty decent weight loss results after not being able to eat solid foods (including my meal replacements) for thirty-six hours.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 943

    I was saying to myself (and possibly to Leslie) last night that sometime in the next few days my weight will finally drop below 290 lbs. Today was not that day, even though it did drop a little from yesterday.  

    My alarm either did not go off or it did but it did not wake me up, and so I was rushing in the morning. I suspect that had I had the time to sit and relax, then I might have been able to successfully move my bowels, thus my weight might have dropped more than the 0.6 lbs. That it did. As it stands, I hope that I will be successful either later today, or else tomorrow morning.  

    I took Princess Sophie out for our walk later than I usually do, and she seemed happy to stay in bed for the extra hour. I would have been too, had I not had work to get to. With that said, my sleep score and body battery both benefited from the extra hour. 

    While I am deliberately not focusing on a comparison to it, my weight yesterday morning dropped below what it was on May 22, when I last tried to restart my weight loss. I remember being disgusted with myself then for having gained 53.2 lbs. Since my best weight; imagine how I felt a little over a week ago when three months on that number had risen to 62.8 lbs.? I have a lot of reasons for having gotten back on track, but first and foremost of those is how terrible I felt about myself. This morning I am 51.8 lbs. From that best weight ever, and I know that I need to continue to work toward it. I still have that goal set for myself to shave my goattee when my weight drops to 240 lbs., and I intend to reach it. I do not know how long it will take… but I will get there. 

    In the meantime, I have other short-term goals to strive for. This morning, I tried to wear a shirt that was a bit tight, and two of my sport coats as well. I want to be able to comfortably wear any outfit in my closet without discomfort… or worry that something might rip. 

    It is another beautiful day in southwest Ontario, and I am stuck inside teaching. No matter, I might take my lunch on the balcony with a meal replacement and a cigar. I know that is what I will be doing after I am finished for the day… and once Her Floofness has been out for her walk. I hope to get through the day without cheating, and if I can do that for a couple more days then I know that before long my weight will drop below 290 lbs… and then hopefully to 285. 

    Have a great day folks! 

  • Day 934

    I am not sure if my adrenaline high from yesterday has quite abated yet. What a day.

    As I wrote yesterday, I was awake at 4:15am yesterday, after getting less than three hours of real sleep. Why? Well, I was awake at that ungodly hour to pick my buddy up from the airport. Why did I sleep poorly? Mostly from the excitement and anticipation of what Saturday held. Jay had flown into town for one day to support me as I was raised to the rank of Master Mason. The ceremony was built up to me as one that I will remember for the rest of my life. There was a lot of preparation involved, and it would all culminate with the rites at the Lodge meeting. Everything involved lived up to (or exceeded) all expectations, and I was riding high until I forced myself to go to bed around 10:00pm… knowing that this morning would be another very early morning.

    My alarm sounded at 4:00am so that I could get up and get Jay to the airport in time for his very early flight. While he kept telling me he felt guilty for making me get up so early, I assured him that I could come home and go back to sleep. That has not happened so far, but Jay did get to the airport on time; I came home and took Her Royal Floofness for a very early walk; occasionally in the winter months we go out and come back in the dark, but I cannot remember the last time that happened in the summer… I suspect it would have been when we were living in California, and I had to teach an early class in another time zone. In any event, we had a good turn of it, and then came home to enjoy our breakfast.

    It is little surprise that my weight was a bit up this morning. I was pretty moderate in my eating yesterday, but there were some small cheats that were excessive, if not in the quality consumed then in the density of the fat and sugar. Yes, I had a butter tart, a desert treat for which Canada is known (and which were purchased to share with the numerous foreigners who attended my ceremony). This, after a breakfast of French toast, sandwiches for lunch, and sushi for dinner. Not a good choice in the lot… but it was a special day.

    There is nothing special about today, and I will go back to eating much smarter than I did these last two days. I had my regular omelette for breakfast. I will enjoy the sushi leftovers for lunch, but my evening will be a piece of chicken and a salad. That’s it.

    I am glad that my doctor renewed my prescriptions on Friday, but I did not manage my meds properly yesterday. Despite leaving the house before 5:00am and knowing that I would not be returning home until late afternoon or early evening, I should have brought a dose of the anti-inflammatories with me. I did not, and by 1:30pm I was in discomfort and then pain. I was quite relieved to arrive home and take the meds after 6:30pm. I have no idea why I broke my routine this morning, but I did not take any of my meds before leaving for the airport. Of course, I was home by 5:30am, and still took my pills earlier than I would normally. It is now 8:30am and I am feeling much more comfortable than I did three hours ago.

    It is a lovely day, but we can see that the summer is ebbing. I do not mind too much… it will still be a comfortable warm and sunny day, even though I did need a sweater for Floof’s walk. I am sure I will have plenty of time to enjoy the balcony in my regular shorts and golf shirt.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 927

    I did slightly better yesterday than I had the previous couple of days, and while I did not lose weight this morning, I also did not gain weight. I will try to do even better today. It might be a bit difficult, as I am taking my son for his favourite lunch today… or at least I assume that is where he will ask to go. I have proven before that I can get through that meal without doing too badly, but I suspect that today I will refrain from eating anything and will prepare a meal when I get home. I make no promises about that, but I will try.

    MY knee felt better during the day yesterday, and I hoped that I would sleep well for it. What I did not account for was that I had eaten early, which meant that I took my last anti-inflammatory meds around 6:15pm. I slept like a log until I woke up at 3:00am to pee… and my knee was in agony again. I decided to take one pill at 3:45am because I had not been able to get back to sleep. I also rubbed some Voltaren into it. Those helped a little… but not much. I am really hoping that after a few days on the meds I will be better, but I will still be speaking with my doctor about it on Friday; if it is a question of upping my gout meds then let’s do that; if it is not, then we need to explore further what the issue is and find a solution.

    Okay, I am off to pick up my son. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 890

    I did not gain any weight this morning, but I also did not lose any. I have essentially fallen off the wagon these last couple of days (I think I am doing better today), but I am trying to get myself back on track. That is not to say that I want to be back on the program just yet, because I do not. I will take it up again once Leslie’s visit is over. It is just too hard (both emotionally and physically) to get onto the program… and then to only do it for a few days would be agony.

    After several days of nothing, I have finally been able to move my bowels well today… twice. It was a relief to be able to do so before I took Her Floofness for her walk this morning, but to be able to do it again around noon was great relief… literally.

    I slept more last night than I had the previous two nights, but I am not sure how good the sleep was. According to my fitness watch, I slept a full nine hours, but not well enough to bring my stress levels down. At least I won’t be walking around like a zombie all day!

    Weight loss is never easy… I am going to get back on track. While I am not getting onto the complete program again, I would like to just get through the next few days without cheating too badly. If I do, then hopefully I can drop back to 280 lbs. by the morning Leslie arrives.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 884

    I was not feeling better at all yesterday, even though the start of the day was promising. I was happy to get through the day (although I did need to take a nap before class and thank G-d that I did!), and even got 7,300 steps in. That included a trip to the supermarket and dry cleaners. While my trip to the supermarket was for a specific reason, I did not get out entirely unscathed; I stopped at the bakery and bought a single roll, and when I got home, I toasted it and enjoyed it with avocado oil (a non-margarine spread) on one side, and grated cheese on the other. I ate this in place of one meal replacement. I am not sure, but I suspect that the carbs helped to settle the evil serotonin receptors in my stomach which have been wreaking havoc on my system these last few days.

    This morning’s bowel movement was no better than any of the myriad BMs of the last couple of days. Nevertheless, I do feel that I am doing better today than I was Thursday or Friday. I am cautiously optimistic that I just might be on the other side of the worst of things. We’ll see.

    Leslie and I had a lovely cigar date over the last three hours. What started out as a beautiful day turned, within the last fifteen minutes, into an extremely rainy storm. I was not expecting it, although the forecast did call for rain today. That rain is really coming down now.

    It is now 1:20pm. I have had to sit on the potty once in the interim, but despite that I am feeling much better today than I did yesterday. My stomach is still feeling a little weak, but overall, I am feeling good. Yay! I think I can now say with confidence that while I might possibly not be completely better, I am certainly over the worst of it.

    My weight was up by .4 lb. this morning. It is possible that is because of the roll that I broke down and purchased yesterday, but it is more likely due to the large quantity of Gatorade that I have ingested these past few days. While the drink is not high in calories, the sodium content is pretty high (270mg per bottle), and I remember Leslie telling me a few months ago that she was not losing weight when she drank it. If it is the sodium, then tomorrow or Monday I should see a significant loss as that is flushed from my system. I was not terribly put off by the slight gain, but it helps psychologically to know why it happened… and that the effects should only be temporary.

    Yes, I bought an ate a roll yesterday. I am reasonably sure that the ill-effects of my withdrawal symptoms were exacerbated by the fact that there was no solid food in my stomach. Leslie told me that there are serotonin receptors in the stomach, and the food (especially the carbohydrates) would have mitigated at least some of those issues. I remember as a child my mother would always give me dry toast when I had stomach issues (especially diarrhea). Maybe there was something to that. No, I did not have the roll dry, but that’s another story. The fact that I only had a single roll with how I was feeling, and not more and worse foods, is a minor win.

    I slept much better last night than I did the previous two, both because I did not have to get up several times to visit the bathroom and because the discomfort was much less. According to my fitness watch my sleep score was 82 (both with good balance, and a full 7h54 minutes), and my body battery was 43 when I woke up… which is still lousy, but it is still much higher than the 16 that I had yesterday morning. I am still going to take it easy today, but I might get onto the treadmill when I get home… I know that had I tried to exercise yesterday it would have been a total disaster.

    I am nearly finished with my second meal replacement of the day. I am still feeling at least some need to sit on the toilet before I go out, but it is not as pressing as it was so many times yesterday. As I taught last night, I had to keep a ten-minute timer on standby so that if I needed to (as I did twice during my class) I could give the students a break without them not knowing when I would return. Were I teaching today I would be doing the same thing, but if things continue as they have, I doubt I will need to by the time Monday’s class starts.

    I am going to drive to Grimsby this afternoon to pick up a shirt that I ordered. I am excited to see it – while I have a few items with Masonic logos on them, this will be the first that I have with my Lodge’s logo. It is very exciting! Yes, for someone who spent so many years essentially branded by Microsoft, and who later vowed to not be ‘logoed’ anymore, that is weird… but Freemasonry is different. I am not advertising a corporation but am instead proudly sporting the logo of a fraternal organization of which I am proud to be a member.

    Okay, I am going to head out… after a quick (hopefully) stop on the potty. I look forward to no longer needing to plan every trip out of the house around unpredictable bowel movements. I hope that by the time I am back the rain will be in the rearview mirror and that I can once again enjoy relaxing on the balcony with a good book.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 883

    It was late in the morning yesterday that I first realized that I not only had frequent diarrhea, but I was also experiencing bouts of stomach pains that were more than just a bit uncomfortable. These would increase and decrease throughout the day, but at no point yesterday was I just feeling fine. In fact, I did something yesterday that I have never done before. I have been using the meal replacement shakes on and off since the end of March 2017. In those seven years I have never discarded half a shake because I just could not stomach it. I was in bed by 6:30, and while I did not really sleep until 2:00am, I did my best to stay put.

    I felt bad that I had not taken Princess Sophie out for a second walk yesterday, so when she asked me to at 1:00am I got dressed and took her outside. This was not going to be a long walk because I did not have the energy, but it is not fair to make her pay for my illness. As we walked out of the building, we saw about thirty feet to our left a skunk, so we paid special attention to give her a lot of space. If I hardly had the energy to walk her, I doubt I would have had the strength to de-skunk her. From a distance, skunks are actually very cute animals. I will always make a point to observe them only from a good distance.

    I wrote yesterday that these digestive tract issues were related to my taking too much fibre the previous days. I no longer believe that, and I have Leslie to thank for helping me to realize it. She suggested that it might be due to illness (such as norovirus), or withdrawal. Last week I stopped taking my antidepressants. Among the possible symptoms of withdrawal from Escitalopram are chills (had those), Digestive issues (incl. nausea, cramps, diarrhea, and appetite loss – yep), and sleep problems (definitely). Before you say, ‘but you stopped taking the pills over a week ago!’ I would also point to one article which reads: ‘…withdrawal symptoms typically begin one to three days after the last dose. Although, rarely they can start sooner (within hours) or later (more than a week).’

    Knowing that these issues are not because of something I ate, and that despite not eating any solid food in two days I am still having terrible diarrhea, there were several times during the day yesterday (and into the night) that I thought to myself that by not eating solid food, I was making things harder on my bowels. It would have been easy to say ‘I need to eat for a day or two or three to have something in my system so that my system can expel something’ but so far, I have not. I did replace my evening meal replacement shake with a protein bar (which I ate much later than I should have), so I guess there is at least something solid in my system to expel.

    I also suspected yesterday that despite all of the water I was drinking, I might be getting dehydrated (which is not uncommon with diarrhea). As such, I ran to the supermarket and picked up a couple of six-packs of Gatorade Zero. I was happy that they had my favourite flavour (grape). I had three of them before the night was over, and I had another one this morning. I may have been imagining it, but I might have seen a slight purple coloration in the toilet before I flushed… or that could have been my mind playing tricks on me (in turn, a common symptom of severe dehydration).

    I admit that we the extreme pooping I did yesterday, I was slightly disappointed to see a drop in my weight of only 1.4 lbs. from yesterday. Given what I endured, I thought it might have been more extreme, but alas it was not. I still was able to, for the third time in as many days, cross off another number on the chart on my fridge. I restarted the program on May 22, when I was 53.2 lbs. higher than my best weight ever. There have been several stops in the last month but despite all of them I have lost 20.2 lbs. in that time, and I am extremely happy with that. I am now 33 lbs. from my best weight ever, and I will get back there by the fall.

    According to my fitness watch, my sleep score was an abysmal 33. Despite being in bed from 6:30pm until 7:30am, it measured less than five hours of actual sleep (and even that I feel is optimistic). My body battery recharged to a laughable 13. Needless to say I am going to take today very easy, although I will absolutely be taking her Floofness out for another walk so that I do not have to do so in the middle of the night.

    I woke up this morning thinking that I was feeling much better than yesterday… despite another very loose experience on the toilet, my head seemed clearer, and I was not chilled. By the time Princess Sophie and I were on the last leg of our morning walk, all of those symptoms were back… albeit not (yet) as severe as they were yesterday. I am hoping that I am getting better, and that these issues will be behind me by the time I have to teach this evening.

    Have a great day folks!