Losing a part of me

Category: Success

  • Day 375

    Yesterday was another day which had a lot of opportunities to go wrong, but I was able to stay on track. Leslie is such a wonderful support for that… there were two really bad decisions that I considered, and she talked me down from them both. Those are not good choices! I wanted the cheats… but I did not cheat. For lunch I wanted the same salad as I had yesterday… the seasonal salad that is 500 calories, with 52g of carbohydrates. Instead, I ordered the Greek Salad which has 300 calories and 18g of carbs. We then went to Costco, and as is always the case there on a Saturday, there were plenty of free samples to try. Thanks to my wife, I eschewed them all. This was not because of nagging – far from it! – but rather because she set the example of not having them when offered. Thank you Quetzal!

    We decided to pick up some salmon for dinner, which I prepared with just a bit of lemon juice and a pinch of salt in the air fryer. Leslie cooked some rice, and we put the plates on the table to season as we desire. We both added a little lemon juice, and I decided to put furikake on the rice, and shao kao heat spices on the fish. The flavours were absolutely delicious! I know the rice is a starch, and I know that I ate a little too much of the fatty fish, but I know that I ate healthy, and I was not worried that I would be putting on weight because of it.

    This is the third time that I have done the program in one form or another, and it is the third time I have lost over one hundred pounds. It is the first time that I have a supportive partner to help me, to encourage me, and to kick my butt when I am going to do something stupid. There are two sides of the coin; when I started the program the second time I was living with Liza whose words said she would be supportive, but her actions were absolutely not. Leslie is there for me every step of the way, and when I need help or encouragement, or even that kick in the ass, she is there for me. I am so lucky that my coin landed on the good side.

    Waking up this morning to see another great drop on the bathroom scale felt great. Of the 2.2 lbs. that I gained the first two days I was in Dallas, I have now lost 1.6 lbs. while still eating a salad for lunch and a proper dinner (proper by the definition of healthy and satisfying while not overly indulgent). With that knowledge, I am optimistic that the remainder of my trip will be successful, by the definition of the word that I set down before leaving Canada. My goal then was to gain no more than two pounds on the trip. This morning I weigh 0.6 lb. more than I did on my last morning in Canada… and all of my planned indulgences are behind me. I had my sushi dinner and I had my Chinese meal. We bought enough salmon yesterday to make two meals, which means that most likely tomorrow evening I will make it again. This evening Leslie and I will decide what to eat, but there are plenty of options for us to choose that will not require me to cheat. It is possible that by the time I leave here on Wednesday I might actually have lost weight on the trip! How amazing would that be?

    I realized another non-scale victory yesterday. A year ago I felt pains in my knees walking, but climbing and descending stairs was especially painful. A couple of months ago I realized that walking up stairs was easier, but I was still feeling it going down. Yesterday afternoon as Leslie and I walked to the car I realized going down the stairs that my knees were fine. I remember about a decade ago when I was trying to really get into jogging I was in Montreal and I went for a jog on Mount Royal. That evening I had dinner with friends who are into fitness and I kvelled that I was able to do it. They warned me that I should never jog downhill because it was bad for my knees. I did not understand at the time, but I guess it makes sense. The logic behind that might be the same reason I was able to climb stairs without pain a couple of months before I was able to go down without it. That is something to think about.

    Speaking of jogging, I have been thinking for a few days that I might try going for a jog while I am here. Looking at the weather forecast for the next few days, I would have been much better off doing so these last few days when the temperatures were pretty reasonable. Fortunately for every other aspect of the trip, but not for my plans to jog, I got to spend all of that time with my wife, and when we only have a week together I am not taking any time away from us that I do not have to. The apartment complex has a gym, and I will go down there to see how the treadmill is. I would love to be able to start jogging on a regular basis by the time the weather in Canada warms up. For now, I will go back to the gym Thursday, I will lift some weights, and I will also get onto the treadmill for a bit.

    While it will turn chilly and rainy tomorrow, today’s forecast high is a cloudy 15°. Leslie and I have a few things we plan to talk about, but I do not think we have any serious plans or errands that need to be done. We will have a mostly relaxing day enjoying each other, and yes that will likely include some time on the patio (unless we decide to go to one of our cigar lounges). We slept in and it felt wonderful to do so, as it was to wake up next to my wife. I could not help but think how much less space I take on the bed than I did a year ago… or the first time I came to Dallas to visit (and marry) her in June. As we snuggled a couple of nights ago she popped her head up with a look of concern and said, ‘What is this bump?’ I felt it and realized that it was the bottom of my sternum. She had never felt it before because it was always covered by a thick layer of fat. This is not the first time she has discovered something on me that had previously been buried under layers of schmaltz, and every time she does we look at each other with a huge smile and chalk up another NSV. One day I will be completely slim, and she will be able to feel every bone and every muscle. I am glad she loves me for who I am, because by the time I am done with this too slow but extreme body transformation, I will look nothing like the man she fell in love with!

    I was not ready to get dressed this morning when we decided to have breakfast so I grabbed a t-shirt and threw it on. Only a few minutes later did I realize it was one of my Army shirts that I had brought for Leslie to wear because they have not fit me in years. Each and every time I put on a piece of clothing that was previously in one of the ‘does not fit’ bins I smile. I can do this!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 374

    This morning was the first since Wednesday that I stepped onto the bathroom scale to find my weight was down. While it is still up from Wednesday, it is the lowest I have weighed since. That is not a significant advancement, but it is huge because of how it happened.

    For those of you who do not read my daily posts in order, I will summarize. I am spending a few days with my wife. Yes, she and I live in different countries, and until we resolve that we visit as often as we can. (If any of you have any influence with the US Department of State to expedite our file to the front of the line, I am not opposed to accepting your influence). I arrived in Dallas Wednesday afternoon. I had decided in advance of the trip that I would be taking a break from the full-fast, meal replacements only program for the week that I am here. Wednesday evening we got dressed to the nines and went to our regular sushi spot. I would not say that I gorged myself on really yummy sushi, but it is certainly fair to say that I indulged. Between the travel (which always messes with my weight a little) and the sushi, my weight the next morning was up by two pounds.

    Thursday I was mostly good… and that is in large part due to Leslie’s reminding me that the Pringles were a really bad idea, so instead of eating the handful, I ate two and then threw the rest in the garbage. I taught in the evening, so while I had a salad for lunch, I only had meal replacements the rest of the day. I was expecting yesterday’s weight to drop at least a little, but it did not… it was up by .2 lb.

    Yesterday I had a rather indulgent salad for lunch, but it was absolutely wonderful. Had I looked at the nutritional information prior to ordering it, I would nave picked something else, but it was delicious… 500 calories, but 52g of carbohydrates. Ouch. We had planned to go for dinner, and I decided to spend some time online looking at options. I spent ninety minutes looking at restaurants, examining food options, checking nutritional values (I had to call a number of the restaurants to see if they had them), and eventually settling on a choice… at which point I spent a full twenty minutes online checking the nutritional values of different options, and planned what I would eat based on that. I felt it was a very responsible and productive use of my time. Had I been working in a full-time job my boss would not have agreed with that statement, but my weight loss supporters will. Throughout the afternoon (a great part of which was spent together at our local cigar lounge) we vacillated… and had almost definitively decided that we would buy fish at the supermarket and bring it home to cook, which would absolutely have been healthier. However, by the time we were ready to leave the lounge, we were both really hungry. The prospect of driving to the market, buying what we needed, then driving home and waiting for me to cook the fish as Leslie cooked the rice… our mutual hunger helped us decide that PF Chang’s was the order of the evening. Despite my hunger, I stuck to my ordering plan… and aside from a couple of bites of Leslie’s yummy veggies (as she took a couple of bites of my yummy fish and spinach) I stuck to it.

    On Thursday Leslie took a picture of me in the same pose as my before picture. There was another picture of me from Day 200 (by which point I had lost seventy pounds) in the same pose. I put the three of them together, ensuring the sizes were the same so that the comparison was as scientifically accurate as possible, and posted the results on my blog (as well as in my journal). The difference between the Day 200 picture and the recent one is astounding… but to look at the picture from January 2022 compared to now is absolutely tremendous. In the words of a friend who read how much I have lost… I have literally lost a supermodel. No matter how stark the progress is to my body, yesterday I realized another change that was truly outstanding for me. It was the first time in my life that I walked into a Chinese restaurant, ate a spring roll, soup, and a full entrée, and consumed under 1,000 calories… and under 150g of carbohydrates. I should also mention that I ordered what I wanted, and not what a host or parent wanted me to have. Not only did I accomplish that, but I walked out of the restaurant fully satisfied… and maybe a little over-satisfied. The difference in what I need to eat now to be fully sated compared to what I needed a year ago is mind blowing. I remember nights when I was eating alone when I would order the soup and the eggrolls, possibly an order of dumplings as well. Not sure if I was in the mood for General Tao Chicken or Crispy Ginger Beef, I would order both of them. There would be no leftovers to speak of. A quick look online shows that meal to have about 2,100 calories with 220g of carbohydrates. The calorie count is more than I eat in two days on my full fast, and still 250 calories more than I ate yesterday. The carbohydrate count is more than three times the indulgent meal that I enjoyed last night. The lesson to be learned from this is that I do not have to gorge myself to be completely satiated. By the way, for those wondering… I really did enjoy the fish, and the Peking Duck Spring Roll was absolutely out of this world!

    So much of losing weight is a mental game. Would I have loved the deep-fried breaded chicken or beef completely drenched in sugary sauce? I would have enjoyed it as I ate it for sure, but I would have been kicking myself later and this morning for the bad decisions. How did I feel about the fish? I was pleasantly surprised to see that is was very tasty; I was satiated, and there is absolutely no feelings of guilt. I have to remember this lesson every time I walk into a restaurant for the rest of my life!! This is great stuff!

    Leslie and I have several errands to run today, one of which will be picking up the ingredients for whatever we decide we will make for dinner. The fact that I was successful on my program yesterday does not mean that we should be tempting fate again today. It is also not written anywhere that we should be eating out in restaurants on a daily basis. Quite the contrary, if I plan to continue losing weight, and eventually maintain it, then restaurants will be an occasional treat, and the order of most days will be cooking for ourselves at home. I know that we will be out and about for a few hours, and I know that if I want to keep the temptations at bay then I have to bring a meal replacement bar with me. That way, I do not have to worry about having to make the choice between grabbing something quick (there is no healthy way to do that in these United States), suffering in my hunger, or coming home early. Planning ahead is the recipe for success. Leslie and I will likely have a couple of cigars on the balcony together – it is not a hot and sunny day, but with a forecast high of 18°, it is orders of magnitude warmer than it is in Burlington, Ontario… and a lovely day to sit outside. We will enjoy each other’s company, and we will have a good mix of productivity and relaxation. I will be able to stay on my program today, partly because I am energized by my success yesterday, and partly because Leslie is my greatest support.

    I said before I left Canada that I would consider any weight gain of two pounds or less on the week a success. I think I can do that. We have eaten out twice, and there might be one more meal out, but I will be good throughout. I will make sure of it… and if I get weak then Leslie’s encouragement will remind me to be strong. It is days like today that I think to myself, ‘you know what, Mitch? This might actually work! You might actually be able to lose all of the weight this time!’ Twice before, I went through it alone. This time I have Leslie to support me.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 329

    As difficult as life is right now, yesterday was a success. I stuck to my eating plan (absolutely no cheating). I worked out with my trainer (which was a bit uncomfortable because I forgot my shorts, which meant I had to work out in my very tight Size 40 jeans). Eduardo threw me a curve when he told me he wanted to watch the football match at a resto-bar, which had me worried. While I briefly considered ordering a bowl of chicken gumbo, the staff was unable to provide me with the nutritional information, so I decided to abstain, and drank coffee all afternoon. Argentina won, so I was extremely happy.

    I came home to a happy puppy (who spent the afternoon at Charlie’s playing) and had a short cigar on the balcony. At about 5:00pm, I came into the apartment, changed my shirt, warmed up my coffee, and started my class. I hope my students feel that it went well. I am confident I am a good instructor, but I am always worried that someone will not like my style. I will ask the students today to let me know if there is anything they want me to change.

    The shirt I changed into is a button-down shirt that I bought fifteen years ago that has a Microsoft Certified Trainer logo on it. I do not think I have worn it in thirteen years and know that for much of that time it did not fit… save for the two brief periods when I had lost weight. I consider being able to comfortably wear a shirt that did not fit be before a non-scale victory, and this week I need to look for those to keep myself on track.

    Yesterday was a very good day for achievements. I worked out, I resisted all temptation at the sports bar, and I stuck to my meal plan religiously. What do I get for that? The opportunity to do it all over again today, except today I’ll be going to Eduardo’s to watch the second semi-final match between France and Morocco. I should be able to resist the temptation to eat whatever he tries to put in front of me, as long as I eat my lunch at home before I go over there. If I do that, then I can get there, light a cigar, and tell him ‘Sorry, I’ve already eaten.’ That is my plan.

    I hope I can follow through. The days left in 2022 are dwindling, and with every cheat, so are my chances of achieving those two milestones that are so close and yet so far: The 300-pound mark, and the 100-pounds-lost mark. There is an old saying: Aim for the stars, and if you miss you can still hit the moon. Would it be so bad to lose only 95 pounds in the calendar year? Maybe not… as long as I can finish off that hundred by the 1-year anniversary of my embarking on the journey.

    I should mention that while I seem despondent for not getting a reward for my weight management success, I did lose a significant amount of weight on the bathroom scale as of this morning. With a three-pound drop from yesterday, I am once again within spitting distance of best-weight-yet territory. I am also back to needing to drop less than four pounds of hitting the 300-pound milestone, and within nine pounds of hitting the 100-pounds-lost milestone. I am beginning to think that all of these might be doable again; I also know that if I do not stay focused and true to my weight management program, I will not be achieving my goals. That is key. Stay focused, stay true. That will be my mantra for the rest of the year.

    While I did stay true to the program yesterday, I will mention that I had my last meal replacement shake much later than I am comfortable with. Following the end of my class, I sat outside and tried to smoke a cigar. I knew exactly how many cups of coffee I drank yesterday, and doubted I would be able to fall asleep quickly, so why not? I selected a cigar that turned out to not be enjoyable, so I put it down after fifteen minutes. I came into the apartment and made that last shake after 10:00pm, which is much later than usual for me. While it seems to have had no effect on my weight loss this morning (it is hard to imagine I would have lost even more weight for skipping it), I did wake up in the morning and was immediately hungry. For as long as I can remember, eating late at night has had that effect on me. It was not a debilitating, must eat now hunger, but it was a noticeable pang as I went through my morning ritual. More than anything, that is why I try to not eat after 8:30pm.

    My plans for the day are simple: I am going to Eduardo’s condo to watch the football, and I do not want to go there hungry. I will prepare and eat my lunch (my only meal of the day) a little earlier than usual so that I know I will be fine for the afternoon. After the match, I have my next (and I think my last) session with my personal trainer at 5:00pm, which means that I will have to skip out from Eduardo’s pretty quickly to get there. Again, if the game goes to extra time, I will have to be mindful of the clock. Getting to the gym a few minutes late might not have the professional implications of arriving to class late, but it is disrespectful, and I try to be on time. Unlike with the Argentina match, if I have to leave early, it will not pain me.

    If I can stay on the path for another few days, there is a good chance that I can get back into best-weight-ever territory by the weekend… and that is being very conservative. Really, I am less than a pound from that, and it is not uncommon for me to lose that in a day or two when I stick to the plan religiously. That is my goal… if I can actually get there in a day or two, then by Monday or Tuesday next week, I might be at the 300-pound milestone, which would give me just under two more weeks to get to that magical 100-pounds lost before New Years goal. As they say, hope is not a strategy. If I stick to my program for both food intake and exercise, then I can do it. If I do not, then I likely will not. I just have to keep going in the right direction and do my best.

    I am still not sleeping as well as I would like. I have things going through my mind that I keep analyzing and over-analyzing and trying to keep them from overwhelming my mind is exhausting. The new mattress is comfortable, but it is not the bedding that is the problem. The problem is my life, and some parts of that are harder to keep controlled than others.

    I am glad to see that my potential for contract work has gone up recently. I have another interview today, and I am hoping it goes well. There are a few contracts that I am still waiting on but should confirm shortly. If they do not, then I will be going into the holiday break with a great deal of uncertainty weighing on my mind. I am hoping that does not happen.

    Okay, it is time to get back into a positive frame of mind so that I can go into that interview and wow them. After that, I will prepare my lunch so that I can then head over to Eduardo’s without worrying about being tempted.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 324

    Yesterday was the first day that I remember that I did not eat or drink anything off my program. I had a meal replacement shake for breakfast, my usual lunch, a meal replacement shake in the afternoon and that was it. It was my intention to have another shake in the evening, but I got distracted; by the time I realized I was allowed one more, it was 11:15pm, and I have never been happy the following morning when I had something to eat late at night. Princess Sophie spent the evening at Charlie’s next door, so she had a good time. I am still very down but trying to get focused.

    I started the day yesterday optimistic. That did not last. I had a lot of work to do, so it was three o’clock by the time I got up and went out. I had to go back to the lab to get more blood drawn. I was going to get an x-ray of my knee, but by the time I was done at the lab, the radiologist was not taking any more patients for the day. I guess I have another trip to make down there before my next doctor’s visit, which is in two weeks. I did drop my prescription for the anti-inflammatories off at the pharmacy, for when I am going to run out.

    When I came home, I realized that the video I had been downloading for my learning was complete, but I had accidentally recorded it (and the last two) without sound, which means that I have to start over from the beginning. Crap. I started it again and will be done in a few more days. Just one more thing that went wrong this week.

    I got an interesting offer for a contract today, which would have been a great opportunity. It would actually have been a full-time job with a company that would in turn have been contracting me to another company. The problem is that the opportunity started with ‘Are you willing to relocate to New York City?’ While I would be for the short term, I am hoping that once my visa comes through, I will be relocating to Texas to live with my wife. The search continues.

    I did accomplish all of the goals I set out for myself today. It took longer than I thought to properly translate my CV into French. Once it was done, I sent it off… or at least I thought I did. A couple of hours later, my contact responded that there was no attachment. Sigh, how often have we done that? Okay, it is sent.

    Today’s plan is to stick to the program again. Eduardo and I had discussed going to the sports bar to watch the World Cup, but when we talked in the evening, I think I convinced him that watching it at his apartment with cigars was a better plan. The real method to my madness is that at his apartment, I am less likely to cheat. I will bring a meal replacement shake with me, and a few cigars. If Eduardo does entice me with food, I know that it will be relatively healthy, and that I can control the portions.

    I have given some thought these last few days to revising my program to be orthodox – five meal replacements per day, no other food. If I cannot get through the next few days without cheating, then I am going to drop the hammer on myself and do that. I hope it does not come to that. If I can get back on the downward weight trend, losing weight consistently, then I will not have to do that… yet. It is a tool that I have in my arsenal in case I cannot get back on track. I know that if I want to force myself back on track at some point, it will be there.

    The bathroom scale was, once again, quite kind to me. I know that is because I was strict on my program, but I also know that there have been days when I have been good, and still unhappy the following day. As it stands, I am now .2 lb. from tying my best-weight-yet, and I am now 8.2 lbs. from achieving my goal of losing one hundred pounds in the year 2022. With three weeks left to go, I am hoping and praying that I will be able to stay true to the program, and actually achieve that goal.

    Speaking of goals, I am going to add a second one to my short-term list. While the New Year is three weeks away, the one-year anniversary of my embarking on this journey is forty-two days away. I would like to be able to claim a 50 kg loss in that time. The difference between 100 lbs. and 50 kg is little over 10 lbs… or 4.7 kg. That means that I have 12 kg to lose in just over 40 days… 26.5 lbs. Can I do it? Maybe… but it will be a challenge. I am going to try for it, but if I do not succeed, then I will at least not be a total failure; to lose 47kg in a year is still no mean feat!

    I am off to watch the football. Have a great day folks!

  • The Weight Loss Success / Failure Star

    A couple of years ago, while I was doing very well on my program (and before my total collapse and backward slide into total failure) I came up with this logo – the Weight Loss Success/Failure Star. Please believe me that I did not design it to look like the Star of David with the Palestinian colours, but yes, that is what it looks like. Ooops.

    I still think the message behind the star is correct. There are many ways to fail, but three main keys to success are solid: Caloric/Nutritional Intake, Water Intake, and Physical Activity. Without these three, success is unlikely.

    The three ways to fail that I enumerated are absolutely true, with Attitude, Stress/Lifestyle, and Work being three big factors to failure. Of course, there are plenty others… but these three are key.

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    As I looked at the star today, with its two interlocking triangles, I had a bit of an epiphany. By inverting the red triangle, we would be left with only a triangle. If that sounds simplistic and obvious, let me explain why I felt this important:

    Attitude: The wrong attitude is a surefire way to fail, in weight loss as in so many aspects of life. By flipping our attitude, we can turn it to green, and make it a success factor. Attitude.

    Stress/Lifestyle: There are so many different ways to deal with stress. Most people who have obesity issues often deal with stress by turning to food, and bad foods at that. When we look at the habits of myriad people who stay in shape, we learn that a lot of them deal with stress by integrating physical activity into their life. I have met many people who look at exercise as a way to destress. In fact, any medical professional will tell you that exercise is an antidepressant. By changing our habit of turning to food into turning to exercise, we can turn our stresses and lifestyles into another success factor. Stress/Lifestyle.

    Work: It is easier for people with jobs requiring physical labour to be healthy, but those of us who work in office environments – sitting at desks staring at computer screens – are prone to the ill-effects of eight to ten hours of sitting on our bums. Every company is different, every office. If you go into an office or you work from home, or if you are on the road visiting different sites, every work environment and schedule will have different requirements. With that said, if you are able to find a time – either during your lunch or during your breaks, or whenever it will be, it is possible to integrate physical activity into your routine. I have worked at companies with great gym facilities, which allowed employees to work out during their breaks, and even shower before returning to their desks. Others have simply had staircases that employees could use to exercise – up three floors, down three floors, repeat. Some have nothing but leaving the building during the day to go for a walk is always an option.

    A lot of companies provide snacks to their employees, and these can be a real stopper. Yes, many of the unhealthy snacks are a good way to test your willpower, but you only have to falter occasionally to fail at your diet. A friend on a similar journey as mine cried to me this week that one of her coworkers has been bringing in cookies from Tim Hortons every day. I told her how proud I was that she did not succumb to the temptation, but on one of these days she might. The good side of this is that a lot of companies recognize the value of healthy snacks, ranging from fresh fruit and granola bars to yogurts and salads. Even if you only make the decision to stick to water in lieu of diet soda (which is deceivingly un-weight-loss-friendly, you have chosen positive over negative. There are choices that we can all make to turn the negative work experience green and make it a success factor. Work.

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    All of a sudden, we see that all of our points are green, and failure, while still present, is a lot lighter than our success factors. If we are able to flip our downward (red) triangle, our star (upward and downward) now looks more like two forward-facing arrows. If we are able to take control over all of these points, then we can move in that direction (forward) to losing weight, and to better health.

    These are simple concepts that are not easy to implement. If they were, all of us would be slim and in great shape. The psychology behind all of this is far beyond my basic understanding, but I know that every time I have failed at losing weight and keeping it off, it has always come down to psychological factors. With that said, we can all benefit from getting help. I don’t mean speaking to a psychologist on a regular basis, but a weight loss buddy – either someone who has gone through the sort of weight loss you are working toward, or someone who is currently on the same journey.

    The advantages of someone who has been there before are that they know the pitfalls, they know what you are going through, and they have been there… and succeeded. The advantage of someone who is on the same journey is that there is no judgement, only encouragement. Of course, the downside is that if they fall off, you are left alone.

    Asking for help is hard, but the benefits of the help are tremendous. If you think you don’t know anyone, then let me assure you that social media is replete with support groups for anyone who looks. You may have to look, but you likely won’t have to look too far.

    Do not rush it, but do not dawdle. If you follow the arrows, pretty soon you will be the star of your new, slimmer life.