Losing a part of me

Category: Weight Loss

  • Day 705

    It felt amazing to get onto the bathroom scale this morning and read that my weight had once again dropped below 260 lbs. … until I remembered that it was over two months ago that I celebrated that I had dropped below 240 lbs. for the first time. Yes, I am happy that I am (very slowly) recovering the progress that I have lost; I am not at all happy that I lost all of that progress in the first place. The fact that I fell so badly and have to recover it… that’s the part that hurts. Then again, how many times have I quoted that Japanese proverb: Fall down seven times, stand up eight. If only the numbers were seven and eight I would likely be less dejected. At least this time I have (hopefully) stopped my decline myself, and after regaining only twenty-five pounds (nearly seven of which I have dropped over the past couple of days). It could have been worse; It has been worse.

    Off to see my godchildren and friends.

  • Day 704

    Merry Christmas to all of my friends who celebrate it, and to those who do not, I wish you a wonderful day – many of us are off work, which means that I will be sitting and relaxing for much of the day. I started by sleeping in, and then took Her Royal Floofness for a walk. I did not even sit down for breakfast until nearly 11:00am!

    After going overboard for a few days (up to and including Saturday) I settled down with my eating yesterday. I thought I might be having breakfast with my friends but ended up dropping off the presents and enjoying a cup of coffee with them. I came home and prepared a couple of eggs on a toasted roll. It was quite nice. I met Rami at the pub for lunch and had fish and chips – not healthy, but still not as bad as so many other things I have eaten in the last few weeks. My dinner was mostly in line with what I would have eaten when I was losing weight steadily. I did not eat anything after 6:30pm, which is something I try to do.

    The result of that, and another very generous bowel movement this morning, resulted in a significant drop in weight on the bathroom scale. It is disheartening to think that nearly two months ago my weight dropped below 240 lbs. for a few days, and then at the beginning of the month I was trying to get back down below the 250 lbs. mark… and today I was relieved to drop below 265 lbs. again. I cannot let this throw me though. I have had a terrible setback, and it is time to pick myself back up. Tomorrow will be the last of the bad temptation days – I’ll be at Cam and Amanda’s place, and they always put out so many tempting treats (even before the delicious dinner). I have to do my best to not give in to too much temptation there. After that it will be mostly smooth sailing for the next few weeks – right up to the day I fly down to Dallas. That’s a little under three weeks away, and I would really like to get back below 250 lbs. by then. I am not sure I’ll be able to, but I will do my best. The morning after I returned from my last trip (November 6) I weighed 246.6 lbs. which is 15.6 lbs. lower than I did this morning. If I can get to within a couple of pounds of that I will be thrilled. I fly in nineteen days… that is an optimistic goal, but an achievable one if I stay focused.

    Okay, it is time for a cigar. See you tomorrow.

  • Day 680

    I was hoping that my weight would be down this morning. I did not expect such a steep drop though. It was once again below 250. If I can stay on track for a few days, then I am hoping that I can make that a permanent thing. I do not know if that delineator has any relevance other than psychological, but the psychology is real. Who knows? Maybe one day I will be able to get below 220, and then make that my point of… whatever it is.

    I am working this afternoon, and while I thought briefly about going out afterwards, but have almost completely talked myself out of that. While it will be raining all day, the forecast predicts it will be drying up around the time my class ends. If that prediction comes true, then my forecast for the evening looks a lot like this:

    • Light the candles and say my prayers;
    • Eat a healthy dinner; and
    • Smoke cigars on the balcony while watching TV on my tablet.

    Of course, at some point I will also take Her Floofness out for a walk. She refused to go this morning, which means that my current step count is 700. It is not that she just wouldn’t walk out the door, but she must have sensed that her best friend Charlie was with our neighbour, and she ran right to her door. That deprived me of the 2,200 steps I would normally take in the morning. She just might get a much longer walk this evening… but we’ll see.

    Take care and Shabbat Shalom!

  • Day 669

    Recording a three-pound drop from yesterday morning was a good way to start my morning. When there is little good in one’s life it is helpful when even the most minor successes are achieved.

    My new clothes are on a truck out for delivery, which means that sometime today I will get my new shirts and sports jacket. That would have been so exciting just a few weeks ago. Now? Well, at least I will have new shirts to wear next week when I am teaching. I am not nearly as excited as I would have been.

    Speaking of clothes, I went shopping yesterday. I am likely going to return most of what I bought, but it was so exciting to be able to purchase a ski jacket in size XL. The one I purchased two years ago was a 4XL, and the one I was wearing since 2005 (which did not fit when I was at my most extreme weight) is a 3XL. I will be taking both of those to the charity donation bin later this week, even though I will not be wearing either the ski jacket or the coat that I bought (yes, I bought a jacket and a coat… don’t ask). I will take them both back and go looking for a proper long jacket that will serve both purposes. Yes, it will cost a little more, but it will still likely cost less than the two items combined. I am keeping the sweater I bought… it is a size L, in contrast to the size XXL that I purchased two years ago. Actually, Leslie bought it for me. Maybe that’s why I needed a new sweater.

    I noticed something on my body a few nights ago that is a bit worrisome. If I did not have an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow morning, I would have made one. I have a weird sensitivity and a lump in my pelvic area. I am not one for Doctor Google but from everything I know, I suspect it is a hernia. I will not self-diagnose and will ask my doctor in the morning.

    Speaking of my doctor’s visit, my weight this morning was within .2 lb. of what I weighed the morning of my last appointment with her. With a bit of luck (and a lot of effort) I might drop another pound tomorrow morning, but even if I do not, I am both relieved that I do not weigh more, and disappointed that I have not lost more. Of course, that is ignoring the fact that three weeks after that appointment I was down nearly 8 lbs., and that just three days ago I was 3 lbs. up from that. The last month has been a maelstrom of travel, emotion, and some wonderful and some terrible things… all of this putting aside the fact that my country is still at war and that the lies of public opinion make Hamas look like the heroes of the story while my people are seen as the forces of pure evil.

    It is nearly 1:00pm and I have had a slightly productive morning. I also realized that I did not defrost chicken, which means that I can either put it in the microwave, or I can go to the supermarket to pick up a defrosted package. I think that is the option I am going to take, as the packages are too large to rotate in my microwave oven… and I do not have the ‘stay put’ tray for it. In the afternoon I will be studying for the exam that I need to take within the next couple of weeks. Hopefully I will be able to focus and remember what is in my head. I am not placing any bets on that. The exam is paid for and it expires in two weeks so I am going to take it whether or not I am fully prepared… but I really do not want to fail.

  • Day 666

    It continues to creep up. Yes, it is only a couple of ounces at a time, but my weight this morning was still slightly up from yesterday morning. It is frustrating, but at the same time I know that I have a hundred things going on that are much more pressing that that, and that as long as I am staying the course with my eating then I will eventually (tomorrow or Sunday) be able to resume exercising, and I will get back on track.

    It was not because of this that I skipped the rice that I have been eating with my lunch today. I was just not in the mood for it. I might have some potatoes with dinner, but we will see.

    I received a notification this morning that my new clothes will be delivered Monday. They are already in North America. At least I will be able to wear them for myself and for my students. That was not my original plan, but it is very minor consolation.

    My mood is still not great, but I am trying to keep it together. I hope that when I light my Sabbath candles this evening that the peace and happiness that I always pray for others will come into my heart this time.

  • Day 663

    I did absolutely nothing to warrant a 4.6 lbs. jump over the last two days. I had potatoes and rice with my lunch and dinner, but that is all I did differently. How can that possibly account for such a sharp increase? I protest. The only upside is that somehow my body fat percentage is down 1.5% and my muscle mass is up 1.6% in that time, but as I have been sitting on my duff from early morning until late night, I see no real way that could be accurate. Not fair. Way to kick me when I’m down, body.

    While I will still have rice with lunch, there will be no carbs or starches with my dinner this evening.

    Not happy.

  • Day 662

    I made it through the weekend relatively unscathed. I am not going to say that I did not cheat a little – I absolutely did, but not terribly. I had some mini crisps (essentially flavoured rice crackers in chip form), and I had some peanuts. If that was the worst cheating that I did during one of the worst weekends of my life, then I am absolutely not going to complain. Not being able to see a light at the end of a very long tunnel does not mean that there isn’t one. Things will get better… one day.

    I was completely shocked by my weight gain this morning. I cannot think of anything that I did that would account for a two-pound increase. I know, it is just a blip… but it sucks. Either the scale was telling me that it had made a mistake the last few days, and was just correcting for that, or it wanted to tell me to keep myself in check today, and it would correct things tomorrow (or at least over the next few days).

    We begin my second week of fourteen-hour-days. I had a good chat with a very close friend this morning and it gave me a little bit of a boost. Hopefully that will carry through for a few days. Next week I am off work, and I will take that opportunity to prepare for an exam that I need to take sooner rather than later. In the meantime, I did my shopping for the week yesterday and I was pretty good on buying only what I should be buying. I will keep my head up and keep trying to look forward to a better day.

    In a couple of weeks, I am expecting my newly tailored clothes to come in, and I am looking forward to that. I wish… ah, what does it matter. They will be great.

    Thanks for reading.

  • Day 650

    My friend and rabbi sent out an email this morning suggesting, as we as a people are enduring these terrible times, that we write two things that we are grateful for in a journal every day this month. As this is my journal, I should start with that. I am grateful that. I am grateful that I have the friends and loved ones that I do. My life is not perfect but I am sitting ten feet from my wife whom I love dearly. When we consider the odds of us meeting were truly amazing, I am grateful that we found each other. I am grateful that despite the hardships that we are living with (separated by geography most of the time until we can finally get approval to live together) we can afford to visit each other often and spend time together. I am grateful that despite the growing pains of our relationship that we are able to work out our differences and continue to grow as a couple.

    I am back on track with my weight loss. While I am still 5 lbs. heavier than my best weight ever, I am 2 lbs. lighter than I was yesterday, and 1 lb. lighter than I have been any day since I arrived in Texas. I am happy with that. I am especially happy knowing what I ate yesterday. Breakfast was mostly the same omelette, although since I did not have the right amount of eggs, I added a couple of slices of toast. I spent several hours helping a buddy’s mother with her computer issues, and while I was there her daughter brought us lunch – hamburgers and French fries from Wendy’s. This meal alone might have put an end to any hopes I might have had of happy news from the bathroom scale. It was our last night together alone before Leslie’s son comes home, so I offered to prepare dinner – I bought us salmon (which I prepared with Corn Flakes breadcrumbs) and two potatoes (which I sliced up and tossed with a very little bit of sesame oil and served as air-fried potatoes). After dinner we also indulged in a small sweetie (a pastry straw filled with hazelnut. Yum!) We shared a bottle of wine. All in all, I might have expected my weight to be up from yesterday but it was not. Perhaps that is another thing that I am grateful for.

    I had my regular omelette for breakfast this morning, and I will spend a few hours at the cigar lounge doing some work. I have a bunch of emails I need to answer. I also need to try to make sure that everything I had on my old phone is transferred to the new one (which arrived yesterday) so that I can bring the old phone to Verizon (we traded in). I might have a salad for lunch. We’ll see. I am teaching this evening and will trust Leslie to pick up whatever she and our boy are going to eat for me as well.

    It would be nice if I can stay on track, and tomorrow I can see another decent drop from the bathroom scale. I suspected from the beginning that I would gain a few pounds during this trip. My hopes and goal is that I do not gain too much. I currently weigh two pounds more than my weigh-in from the day before I left Canada. I am painfully aware that I have weighed as much as five pounds more than that since arriving. If I could stay around where I am this morning then it will be a success.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 644

    We arrived at our hotel safe and sound, and despite some minor issues (mostly to do with the Internet) there were no real hassles, and we were asleep before 1:00am. That may sound reasonable, but the 6:05am alarm I had set tells another story. Fortunately I am used to that life (even though I don’t really live it anymore) and am able to function quite well on five hours of sleep.

    My diet program is going to be on hold for a few days. That is not to say that I am going to go overboard splurging, but I am not going to pay attention to everything I put into my mouth. This morning I did not have as much time as I would have liked, and the options for breakfast were not great. I splurged on the buffet, which included an omelette, a bagel, and some fruit. I will try not to do the buffet again while we are here. It is just to tempting to ‘try to get my money’s worth.’ I cannot think like that anymore!

    We did not bring the bathroom scale with us so my next morning weigh-in will be Monday morning. If I can stay under 248 lbs. (which would mean a 3-pound gain over the next four) then I will call it a victory.

    (For my Facebook support group)

    I grew! I am two inches taller because of my weight loss! Okay, that is not exactly true… but it could be! The story:

    A couple of years after I got out of the Army, when I was gaining huge amounts of weight unchecked, I acted in a play. The wardrobe guy (I have been trying to remember the proper term) was fitting me for pants and he said ‘Oh right… fat people wear their pants under the belly. Normal people wear them up around their waists.’ Screw you, buddy. I never forgot that…

    After losing 150 pounds (and twenty-five years after that hurtful comment) I decided to try it… I have been buying pants with a 30” length for all these years. When I pulled them up to fasten my belt around my waist, they fit… but my ankles were cold. At least people could see my fun socks!

    I ordered a new pair of pants last week – with a 36” waist – and decided to try an experiment. I ordered 36×32. I put them on yesterday morning and… they fit perfectly! I was equally worried that the 36” waist would not fit comfortably as the 32” length, but both were perfect. I am so excited and am going to order a couple more pair… and when I get back to Canada, I am going to do another purge to deliver more clothes that no longer fit me to the charity drop-off!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 643

    After speaking with my wife last night I made a decision. I have adjusted my weight goal on the app that ties to my scale. I am feeling so much better about myself than I have in so many years, and while I think I still have a little way to go, I also recognize that I want to be slim, but not sickly thin. With that, my new weight loss goal is 210 lbs., both for my well-being and for a number of other reasons.

    I had a stressful day yesterday and I did eat (and snack) a little more than I should have. I was a bit concerned about the numbers, but sure enough (after a half decent bowel movement) I had lost .6 lb. from yesterday morning. I am not back to where I was before my stumble began, but I have always said that down is better than up. I will call it a win!

    I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that now that I am wearing my pants around my waist and not around my belly there is a significant difference in the length. For decades I have bought pants in a 30” length. Since changing to the waist I have been showing off a lot more sock than I used to. Late last week I ordered my first pair of pants that were a 36×32… the smaller waist and the longer leg. They arrived at Leslie’s mailbox on Friday and were here when I arrived. I was afraid to try them on – not because of the length, but because of the 36” waist. I know I have a couple of pair in that waist that do fit, but I have several others that do not. This morning I tried them on. Lo and behold… they fit perfectly! I was (and am) so excited about that!

    One more thing that I realized a while ago was that my underwear has been much looser than it could be. I ordered several new pair, some of which arrived Monday. For the first time in I don’t know how long I am wearing Size Large! It has been so many years since I have worn anything that was not XL (or XXL or XXXL…) and it really feels great to be able to order some things in regular sizes. I am not going to say that I am over the moon about underwear, but it is a nice feeling to know that I can wear normal sizes.

    Today will be a very long day. I am teaching from 8:00am to 8:00pm, and then we are driving to Houston (probably a 4-hour drive). When we get to the hotel, I am sure we will both be ready to collapse into bed immediately! My workday tomorrow begins at 8:00am again, although it is mercifully much shorter. In the evening we are going to the Davidoff event at the Blend Bar – the entire purpose for our trip to Houston, and the reason behind the timing of this trip. Yes, there will be fatigue, and the anxiety of working from a hotel room, but it will be worth it. We will look like a million bucks together as we enjoy our event… and our weekend away together.

    Have a great day folks!