Losing a part of me

Category: Wife

  • Day 825

    Ding! Dong! The witch is gone! I do not want to go into any great detail on this here (although it might one day be the subject for a book). Suffice it to say that the woman who has gone out of her way to make my wife’s life unbearable is finally gone… we think, we hope. We suspect that she has now moved on to her next victim and I feel terrible for whoever that may be.

    This morning we dropped Leslie’s son off at school, and then after walking the dog we went back to the hotel to pack up and check out. It will be a relief to sleep in our own place again tonight. As I type this I am sitting at Leslie’s desk waiting for my class to start. I have some lovely chicken breasts marinating in a barbecue sauce that will be our dinner afterwards, along with some charoset (a Jewish dish traditionally served at the Passover seder, made of apples, walnuts, sweet wine, cinnamon, and honey).

    Speaking of the Passover seder, thanks to the issues we were having we were unable to do it the last two nights. Because I have to teaching this evening, we cannot do it this evening either. We are planning to do it tomorrow evening which is late, but it is better thank nothing. Leslie knows that it is an important celebration, and even though it will only be the two of us… we can celebrate it and I will recite to her the story of our exodus from the land of Egypt and the bonds of slavery.

    Of the myriad reasons I am relieved that we are back home, one huge one is that I have had a lot of trouble with my eating this past week. It is just easier to eat well when we are preparing our own meals. This afternoon we had a bowl of chicken soup with matzah balls (store bought but still tasty). This evening is our chicken breasts. Hopefully there will not be a lot of snacking in between. As it is, I am deathly afraid of what the bathroom scale is going to tell me tomorrow morning. I am certain I will weigh more than 290 lbs., which means that I will have gained a full fifty pounds since my best weight ever… just seven short months ago. It is time to get back on track.

    Have a great day folks! It’s time to teach!

  • Day 816

    Today is my first full day in Dallas, after a long travel day yesterday. I was up at 2:30am to be at the airport for a really early flight, but all went well. No, I did not eat particularly well… but I also did not eat particularly badly either. This morning I stepped onto Leslie’s bathroom scale and was delighted to see a drop… and not a small one! I dropped nearly four pounds, so while I am still above the 280 lbs. mark, I am thrilled to be back (significantly) below 285, which really upset me yesterday morning… until I realized that I was weighing myself at 2:45am, that I had hardly slept at all, and that I had not successfully moved my bowels. None of that really tamped that I was so freaking heavy… but at least I got back down today.

    Speaking of today, it has been a mostly good work day… if long. I had my usual breakfast, but for lunch I just made a couple of pieces of toast, as I did not feel like going out to pick anything up. After my daytime class I had a reasonable portion of dried mangos, and then a reasonable helping of crackers. My class will be over in ten minutes, and Leslie has ordered Chinese food for us for dinner: I asked for soup, spring rolls, and the Buddha’s Delight (a vegetarian dish which we quite enjoy). After that we will enjoy a cigar, and it will be another quiet evening… I am still catching up on my sleep and after a 12-hour day of teaching I need it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 815

    Okay, change of plans: I am flying to Dallas this morning and not waiting until next Saturday. Why? My wife is having trouble with something that I can help her with, and nothing else matters. You do not mess with my family. She and I have had our issues, but we are working on them and doing very well with that… but even if we were still having trouble then I invite you to reread the italicised sentence: You do not mess with my family. Someone is about to find out that they have messed with the wrong f.cking Jew.

    Yes, I continued to stress-eat the last few days… there were a lot of moving pieces that I needed to put right before I could actually make that change to just get onto the airplane, including (but definitely not limited to) asking my very good friends who are taking care of Princess Sophie to pick her up yesterday and not Friday. I had a hundred other things that needed to get done as well, none of which I could do while waiting on hold with American Airlines for nearly two hours trying to change my ticket. I then went nuts getting things done, all of which had to be put on hold while two friends came over for a cigar (one of which was picking up the Princess, the other picking up something that I thought I had another week to get to him). I had banking, shopping, paying bills, sending invoices, and all of that before I packed for a three-week trip. Yes, I was stressed. Oh, and it did not help that I felt that I needed to eat more because there was food in the fridge that would spoil otherwise.

    And now I’m at the airport waiting to board. I hope to sleep on the plane, but even if I don’t, I slept pretty well last night. I am excited to see Leslie, and I am girding for the fight to defend her. Do not mess with my family.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 725

    I was neither upset nor surprised yesterday morning when I stepped onto the scale to find my weight had jumped three pounds in a day; aside from the fact that Saturday was a travel day, it was also a day replete with flight delays and cancellations which had me sitting in the American Airlines lounge for several hours… before getting onto a flight where the flight attendant was distributing meals and snacks and drinks. I remember writing that I hoped that at least a couple of those pounds would come off before I fly back home Wednesday evening. I was definitely surprised (and not at all upset) this morning to find that I had not only lost all of that weight in a single day, but another pound to boot! We did not eat particularly well yesterday, but we also did not eat particularly much.

    It has been much colder in Dallas than one would expect when thinking of what the weather should be in Texas. We woke up this morning to find it had snowed, and it even continued to snow on and off throughout the morning. I estimate there was nearly a centimetre of snow on the ground. In Canada that would be called Monday. In Dallas, where cars do not have snow tyres and most drivers have little experience and no training in winter driving, it is a day where most people will stay close to home. School and many businesses are not affected as they were last year when I was here for the ice storm because it is a national holiday today, but I suspect many would be closed due to weather. I am going to phone a couple of businesses to see if they are open, but I am not holding my breath. There is enough food in the house for us (I prepared grilled chicken and rice for lunch, and we can find what to eat for dinner), so even if the businesses are open I do not expect we will be leaving the comfort of the apartment… except to walk the dog, which Leslie did alone this morning.

    I suspect many will think me crazy, but I am probably going to sit on the balcony and enjoy a cigar this afternoon. The forecast high is -4°C (25°F), but the sun is out, and the wind seems to have died down. I am not going to do much else aside from that today. Leslie and I have been talking a lot and that is more important. We do not need to be out and about that to talk and spend time together.

    I’ll see you tomorrow.

  • Day 719

    I had a conversation with my wife this weekend about my weight. I realize now that I have to balance what weight I am comfortable being at with what she likes. No, she did not tell me that I need to regain all of my weight. When I told her that I have gained back nearly thirty pounds since my best weight ever she was not upset. I think what I am going to do is find a weight range that I am truly comfortable with and try to stay there. The range that I have in mind is from 235-245 lbs., which is about where I was when I was last in Dallas. I am a ways away from that range and need to get back on track so that I can get back down there. I do not like that some of my new clothes are starting to feel tight on me. I am leaving for Dallas on Saturday (today is Tuesday) and I will be there for only five days. When I get back to Canada, I am going to try to go back on my program for a couple of weeks to kickstart my weight loss again. I am also going to spend more time on the treadmill, which this week is difficult because of my unusually busy schedule.

    See you tomorrow!

  • Day 592

    I wanted to pick the bathroom scale up, throw it through the window, and shoot at it with an assault rifle. I don’t have a rifle, and I do not feel like having to pay for a broken window… and I do not want to be thrown out of my apartment for disruptive and violent behaviour… not to mention that I never want to be disruptive or violent. With that said, where the hell does it get off telling me that after not cheating at all (despite several temptations and opportunities) I actually gained nearly a pound from yesterday?

    Leslie is right though. I am complaining about one negative blip on an otherwise excellent streak. I am sure I will see that turn around tomorrow, especially if I stay true to the program today (as I have the last five days). My last cheat was Tuesday, and I will not cheat again. Today that is an easy promise to make – it is Labour Day, and the stores are closed. That surprised Leslie because in the USA stores are not shuttered today. Of course, I do have provisions in the house, but I will not be eating.

    What will I be doing? I will be studying. I will try to get out for some exercise. I will be smoking a cigar or two, I am sure. I will not be cheating.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 589

    Yesterday I lamented to my wife that I was a bit miffed that the previous day (after having cheated the day before) I lost .6 lb., but yesterday (having stayed on track the day before) I only dropped .2 lb.; she joked that maybe the Peanut Karma lies in wait and takes a couple of days to strike… or something to that effect. I was hoping that it did not stick around too long. I did not cheat at all yesterday; I exercised (1.5km jogging, 10.5km walking). I told Leslie last night that I really hoped – nay, that I was going to be able to cross another number off from the list on the side of my fridge.

    This morning I woke up, did my morning routine (including a minor but nonetheless successful bowel movement), and then walked over to the bathroom scale. With a drop of .8 lb. from yesterday I did indeed drop enough to cross another number off! With that, I am now 1.8 lbs. from tying my best weight ever… and 2 lbs. from surpassing it, dropping below the major milestone of 250 lbs. at the same time. It is not outside the realm of possibility that I will achieve that by early next week, but certainly before next week is out. That is exciting indeed!

    After stepping off the scale I proceeded to get dressed, and when I put my pants on, I pulled the waist up over my hips, just like I said the other day that I wanted to start doing. Two hours later (including a 1.6km walk with a floof) and they are still holding in place. I consider that a very good sign. If it keeps up, then I am going to reconsider my plans for the Hong Kong tailor… I just might add a couple of pair of pants to my order… although that will significantly increase the cost. We shall see… having pants that fit properly is probably an important facet to one’s wardrobe.

    I had my first negative experience with buying and selling of the meal replacements yesterday. When I bought the shakes the other day, I ended up with four boxes of vanilla shakes which are not really to my liking. I had been thinking of selling them, although I had not done anything about it. Out of the blue someone from one of the Facebook groups I am in messaged me and asked if I had any to sell. The short version of the story is that first she tried to haggle with me on the price… even though the price I quoted is quite reasonable. She then told me at 6:00 that she would come to pick them up within half an hour, so I waited at home (even though Her Floofness was asking to go out). At 7:30 I messaged her and told her I would be selling them to someone else. She made every excuse and I feel sorry for her but if she got a message that her child was crying, and she needed to turn around then she could have taken fifteen seconds to message me that she had an emergency and would try to come later. She would not take my NO for an answer. I told her that she disrespected me twice (first by haggling, second by ghosting me) and that I would rather help someone respectful. She persisted, so I told her I was taking my dog for a walk… I would happily deal with my dig’s shit, but not with hers.

    Let me clarify something: I respect that everyone has crap going on in their lives, and I understand hardships and stumbles. If her nine-month-old child was throwing up then that really is too bad, and I feel for her. It is a very good reason to change your plans and it might even be a good reason to get within five minutes of your destination and then turn around to go home. It is not a good reason to ghost someone you made a commitment to. Had she texted me then I might have accommodated her. She only reached out to apologize after she saw on Facebook that I had told people she ghosted her. With all due respect, if she had time to be on Facebook then she could have found the time to text me.

    I have more studying to do today, so after the landscapers are finished outside, I will pick a cigar and sit outside with my laptop. Today’s forecast calls for sunny with a very comfortable high of 23°. Despite the chill that has been in the air the last few mornings, we are not quite done with summer just yet. The forecast high temperatures for the next week range from 27° to 33° and sunny every day… with the overnight lows only dropping below 20° twice. Considering the heat that my wife is enduring in Texas I think it laughable to call it a late-summer heatwave, but for Canada that is just what it is… and I will take full advantage of it, especially since it is a long weekend!

    I have stayed true to the program these last two days… and eight of the last nine. With how hard it has been I consider every day that I stay true to the program a huge victory, and I will do my best to extend that streak today. There may be a thousand opportunities to cheat, but I only have this one opportunity to stay true to my word and to keep on track.

    Speaking of streaks (or at least statistics): With this morning’s weight drop there are now only eight days (including today) when I have weighed at or less than what I do now. From May 23rd through May 28th my weight would drop from 251.8 lbs. to 250 lbs. even… and then bounce back up above 253 on the 29th. I have to figure out how to not let that happen again; I want to see my weight continue to drop, and the only way that I can make sure that happens is to stay disciplined and focused. Even when I am at my ideal weight (whatever that may be) I will have to remember that if I plan to stay there.

    On Day 564 I wrote about the bet my wife and I made. Last night I told her that I was changing the bet, seeing as it is clear that I have an advantage because of my metabolism. If she drops 25 lbs. before I drop 40 lbs. then she is the winner. She told me that was not fair, but I reminded her that I have already dropped eleven pounds to the six that she has dropped in the same period… and I have cheated several times in there. Frequent readers might remember my wondering if she might have made the bet to encourage me to stay on track; maybe giving her a point spread is my way of incentivizing her to stay true to the program… especially on days when it is so hard that you just want to give up. I’ll let you in on a little secret… I would be extremely happy if we tied on this bet!

    According to the online calculators I have 19 lbs. to go before my Body Mass Index (BMI) drops below 30, which is the threshold between overweight and obese. It is almost laughable that I am working hard to be overweight, but that is how the medical community sees my next goal after dropping below 250 lbs. Although I doubt I knew anything about BMI back then I have no recollection of ever being anything other than obese after the Army… and looking at the calculator I know that even when I was an elite soldier in the best shape of my life I would still have been classified as obese. To fall under the Normal category for my height I would have to weigh 194 lbs. or less. Before Basic Training I weighed 220 lbs. As I have written previously, the BMI scale does not take muscle mass into account. I do not know if I will ever drop to 194 lbs., or even if I want to try. What I do want is for my body weight to be healthy. As I have said before, I lived too many years ‘playing with the house’s money.’ The fact that I stayed healthy all these years despite my obesity… well, how long can I expect that to go on? No… it is time for me to be slim and healthy.

    I have not heard the power mowers and trimmers for a few minutes, so it is likely the landscapers have moved on. As such, so will I. As I am fond of saying, it is now Cigar O’Clock, and time for me to sit on the balcony to study.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 585

    I was surprised that I was able to cross off another number on the fridge this morning. That makes three numbers in four days, and the seventh day straight that my weight has dropped. I once again feel bad for Leslie who was not happy with the number she saw on the scale yesterday morning, even though she is working so much harder at the program than I am. I also owe her a big thank you, and I told her about it yesterday when we were chatting as she waited for her much-delayed flight.

    We left the apartment at 11:00am to drive to Cambridge to see Ryan (and his sister) and smoke cigars. It was a lovely afternoon, except I made a mistake. I left the house without taking meal replacements with me. I had eaten my usual omelette in the morning but that was all. Leslie offered to share one of her remaining American meal replacements with me, which we shared at around 1:00pm. We left Cambridge around 4:30pm which would have me dropping her at the airport by around 5:30pm, so without any traffic I would be getting home by 6:15pm or so.

    I was not going to make it. I was hungry and I was not going to be able to make it until 6:15pm. As we sat in traffic on the Trans Canada Highway, I was thinking to myself that I could drop her off art the airport and then look for a convenience store to buy a bag of peanuts. Leslie would be at the airport, and she wouldn’t need to know. She was gone, and so was her scrutiny which had kept me honest during her visit. I started to salivate as I anticipated with gusto the snack I would be enjoying within a short half-hour!

    We were probably fifteen minutes out from the airport when she turned to me and said, ‘Okay… so what are you not going to do tonight?’ Without hesitation I replied ‘Cheat! I will not cheat!’ That was the answer she was looking for. Satisfied, we spent the rest of the car ride basking in our last few minutes of togetherness before she would walk into the terminal.

    Princess Sophie and I drove straight home making no stops along the way. As soon as we got into the apartment, I prepared my meal replacement. I then texted her to let her know that I owed it to her that I did not fall off the program… even if for a minute. I also told her that I do not know what will happen today or tomorrow… but my success on Sunday I owed entirely to her – first for sharing her meal replacements with me, and then for inspiring me to not cheat in the evening. For as many times as I have credited her support and encouragement for my success, this was one more time that it was a specific incident rather than a general helping.

    Over the last couple of days we also discussed my wardrobe, and I made an appointment with the Hong Kong tailor who will be in Hamilton for two days in September – the day I fly back from California, and the next day. Leslie suggested colours for shirts – navy blue, green, and purple. I am surprised she says I look good in green but that is likely because after the Army I spent so much effort avoiding that colour that I started thinking it was just because I did not look good in it. I trust my wife’s sense of fashion and style better than my own, so I will look for something green! I hope that I can be at my lowest weight ever by then (it is precisely thirty days from today), even though I will just be back from spending a week in California where I will try to eat well, but I will not be sticking to the program.

    With regard to my progress: I am now four pounds from my best weight ever, and as that number shrinks so too does the number of days when I weighed less. My spreadsheet shows thirteen days when my weight was lower than this morning’s; with the exception of a single day in April, all of those were between May 20 and May 31. It took me eight days to drop from 256.2 (what I weighed on May 19) down to 250 lbs…. and then just five days for my weight to jump back to 254.6 lbs… my weight on June 1. My plan is to not fall off this time, and to lose as much as I can between now and October.

    There is nothing particular about October 1… other than it is the beginning of a month. With that said, now that I might be back on track, it is not a bad time to try to set some new short-term goals.

    • This week: Stay on track! I am seeing my doctor on Thursday, and I would love to see my best ever medical weigh-in. I could, in theory, stay put where I am now and achieve that… as long as I stripped naked and stepped onto her scale the same way I do my own every morning. To be safe, I would love to continue with my current pace of .8 lb. per day, but assuming that unrealistic I would be thrilled if I could lose another 1-2 lbs. in these next few days.
    • Within the next ten days (that is, by September 7) I would like to drop below 250 lbs. for the first time in my post-Army life.
    • If I can maintain a weight-loss pace of 3.5 lbs. per week (or .5 lb. per day) between now and Rosh Hashana (the evening of September 15) then I would weigh just under 245 lbs. by then!
    • Maintaining that pace, the day I pick my wife up from Los Angeles International Airport I would weigh 242 lbs.!
    • Even if my pace were to abate somewhat, at a .3 lb. per day average drop (2.1 lbs. per week) then I would still weigh 246.8 lbs. when I pick Leslie up at the airport on the 20th. Even that would be a success!
    • Knowing that the week in California will be a difficult one to stay on track, I am nevertheless hoping that my weight the morning of September 27 – that is, the day of my appointment with the tailors – I should weigh between 245-250 lbs., which would be as much as a twenty-seven pound loss from my last visit at the beginning of March.

    How can I achieve these short-term weight loss goals? It is simple, but not easy. I just have to stay on track and not veer from the path.

    Sometimes it is fun to dream, imagining what I could achieve if I never veered from the program. I plugged some numbers into my spreadsheet to see when I would drop to 220 lbs. losing an average of .3, .4, and .5 lb. per day. At .3 lb. per day I would weigh 219.8 on December 20. At .4 lb. per day I would weigh 220.0 on November 21. At .5 lb. per day I would weigh 220 lbs. on November 4. All it would take is dedication without faltering, and no matter which way it goes by the end of this calendar year I would be a very reasonable 220 lbs. Not a bad dream, huh? How about we try to get through the next week or two without faltering… then we can look past that.

    I have a lot of studying to do this week so most of the days I will spend either watching videos of classes or else reading. If the weather forecast for the week holds up, then a lot of that studying will be done on the balcony. It would not bother me one bit if I could smoke a couple of cigars while advancing my mind… all the while preparing for a few exams I have to take and then a couple of classes I need to be ready to teach. It should all be good fun!

    My plan is to do just that… stay on track, studying on the balcony and smoking my cigars, preparing my meal replacements as needed (and properly timed). Tomorrow, I have to go out as I have a haircut scheduled, but there is no reason for me to leave the apartment today except for taking Her Floofness for a walk. I was able to stay on track yesterday, so there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to do so again today. If I can stay on track today, then there is no reason why I cannot stay on track tomorrow. That is how I have to continue to think.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 584

    I am happy to be down another .8 lb. from yesterday morning. At the same time I watch my wife who is a lot more religious about following the strict program than even I am about following my modified program and who is not doing nearly as well with sadness. I realize that every body’s metabolism is different and that there are marked differences between men and women, but to see her frustration at her slow rate of progress is heartbreaking.

    Today is our last day together for this trip which always makes me sad. At the same time I know that we will see each other again in 3.5 weeks in California, so it is not so daunting as it has often been. When I left Dallas at the end of July, I thought we would not see each other again until California which was much harder. This trip was too short, but it was wonderful to be together, and it was a good way to break that too-long time apart. I will miss her dearly when I drop her off at the airport today… and that is when the countdown to when I will pick her up at Los Angeles International Airport officially begins. In case anyone thinks I am not counting, as of this minute that is 24 days and fifteen hours from now.

    I am once again below 255 lbs., if only barely. Prior to this morning I had previously registered under that mark fifteen times (between March 31 and June 1st). Looking at the list of those dates I can see that after the first time I achieved that number it was for only one day. The second time as well. It was not until May 20th that I got back there and stayed under that number… until June 1st, the last time I was this weight. I do not have those days to compete with this time, and 250 lbs. is not my goal, it is just my next major milestone that I am eagerly looking forward to, and which I plan to celebrate only with a fist pump and a whoop, and not with a steak dinner. I do not plan to veer from the program again until I am in California with my wife.

    We are spending the afternoon with friends, so I am going to cut this short. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 583

    For the second day in a row I stuck to my modified program perfectly yesterday, and I was rewarded for it. Ed McMahon rang my door with a cheque from Publisher’s Clearinghouse for Ten Million Dollars! Okay, no… but I did get to cross another number off on my fridge-side tracker! I dropped 1.4 lbs. from yesterday morning which is absolutely astonishing. It may not be $10 Million, but it is still a very nice minor victory.

    I was speaking with Leslie last night about a lot of weight-related issues. One of them is that I am going to the doctor next Thursday, and wouldn’t it be nice if I could show a significant drop in weight from my last weigh-in. At the end of May I weighed 116kg; after that I started my slide which I hope was just a plateau. At the end of June I met with my new doctor for the first time, and I had gained 4.7kg – nearly 11 lbs. I was certain that I had done the worst and would be back on track immediately, but July proved to be a harder month than I thought. I did not actually step onto the scale when I was at the doctor’s at the end of July, but I was up about half a kilo in the month. If I were to step onto her scale today, I should weigh a little more than 5kg less than I did then, and it would be my best weigh-in at the doctor’s office ever. With five days left to go I would love to lose another 2-3 lbs., which would take me under 115kg! That would be my best weigh-in at a doctor’s office since before I went into the Army. Yes, I saw plenty of doctors during my service… but never for a regular check-up. I seem to recall weighing over 260 lbs. when I saw my Canadian doctor the first time after returning, which would have been some time in 1997. I am thrilled to be on this path!

    Not only am I thrilled by that, but I am also excited to be able to say something honestly today that I have been dishonest about since May. I have lost 140 lbs. overall. I have not in the last three months amended that when asked, even though at the worst of my sliding I was back to having lost 115 lbs. I am also less than six pounds away from dropping below that monumental milestone: I have not since leaving the Army weighed less than 250 lbs. I achieved that number on May 27 (Day 492)… and then the slipping began. The day that I step onto the bathroom scale and see the number 249.x – it could be 249.999 for all it matters – I will jump for joy. If I am able to stay on track, then I am almost certain to reach that before I fly to California in 3.5 weeks. My wife will see me at the lowest weight that she has ever seen me… and the lowest that anyone has seen me in my post-Army life.

    While writing that paragraph I realized something, and I decided to go back to confirm it. While I was a full 5.6 lbs. lower than I am now (according to my spreadsheet, there are nineteen days when I have weighed less), none of those days coincided with us being together. When she woke up this morning, I weighed less than my wife has ever seen me. When she gets out of the shower, I am going to tell her that… and we will sit on the patio with our coffee and cigars.

    Our plan for the day is to see a movie. We discussed picking up some almonds to munch on but unless she mentions it again, I am not going to. I think I might have been pushing her to do that, and I do not want to impede her progress. She is doing so well, and I will not be the reason she falters… certainly not with all of the love and support she has shown me during this long, strange, and often tumultuous trip. I am thinking of preparing our evening meal replacements as a fine candlelit dinner on the balcony. We’ll see if I can manage it. Otherwise, we will just enjoy our last full day together. She flies home tomorrow, and that is hard for both of us.

    Have a great day folks!