Losing a part of me

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  • Day 1042

    The Microsoft Word document that I keep these entries in is now 993 pages long. That accounts for 1,147 journal entries comprising over 667,000 words over nearly three years. That is a lot of successes and a lot of failures; a lot of ups and downs (in my weight, my life, my emotional state, and more). It includes a lot of travel… but mostly to Dallas and California and Cuba. It includes a lot of great advice to myself (I do not ever want to give anyone else advice), some of which is easier to follow short-term than long.

    As an example of advice I do not seem to follow through on: I have been very clear that I lose weight faster and feel better when I am exercising. I then let work and travel and life get in the way, and I get out of the habit of exercising. It is maddening because I love doing it, but sometimes it is hard to fit in… and then just like that I am out of the habit of exercising.

    On that note, I did get out for a walk yesterday. While my pace was slower than the previous day, the distance was nearly identical. Whether it was because of the weather, or my choice of shoes, or the fact that I had walked the previous day so my muscles needed to recover… whatever it was, my pace was thirteen seconds per kilometre slower than Monday, and the same route (in reverse) took me 1m50s longer. In other words… not a big difference, and I am really just nitpicking.

    I was hoping that the exercise would help me to sleep. That did not happen. I was in bed early but tossed and turned until nearly 2:30am before I finally nodded off. How I achieved even 70 for my sleep score I do not know. My body battery was up to an abysmal (for the morning) 34. I hope that I make it through the day! There has been speculation that from time to time my cigar smoking might keep me awake. If that is true (and the science suggests that it is) then I can assure you that it has not been a contributing factor these last few days. I have not smoked a cigar since the weekend. That will end today. More on that later.

    Another bit of advice that I give myself and do not follow is not to cheat. I broke that yesterday when I bought a couple of rolls (which I am eating with breakfast) as well as a handful of peanuts and trail mix. I should not have done that. What I should have done was sit in the traffic and when I got home had a shake. No, that is not what I did. Instead, I pulled off the highway and stopped in at Fortinos to buy the cheats. How undisciplined am I? I mean, I was on my way home from Costco and I had protein bars in the car! Why didn’t I just eat one of those? I need to control myself.

    While I did not manage to sleep well, and with my slight cheat yesterday, I still managed to drop about 3.5 lbs. from yesterday. The bowel movement helped, but so too did the exercise and mostly good eating. Hopefully I can continue on that trend for a few days. If I do, then by next week I should be back below the terrible mark.

    When I do go back to eating, I need to eat smaller portions. There is no good reason for me to eat a whole chicken in a day. End of story. Yet there it is, that is what I do. While I commend myself for cutting almost to zero how often I eat at restaurants (I do so occasionally with friends, and when I am with my wife), but when I am alone? I can count on one hand the number of times I have done so in the last six months. All this to say that while I have improved my habits somewhat, I am almost completely negating the improved behaviours by ignoring the bad ones. I have to prepare smaller portions if I want to improve long term!

    I followed my plans pretty well yesterday. I went for a good walk; I came home and had a shower and then a meal replacement shake. I studied for a few hours; I went to Costco to return an item and to pick up meal replacement bars. I got to bed early, although I did not fall asleep. I will try to get to bed early again tonight.

    The original plan was for my friend Mitchell and I to drive down to Niagara Falls, NY tomorrow. He needs to pick up a package, and I’m going to go along for the drive. When I told Leslie she reminded me that tomorrow is American Thanksgiving and that everything will be closed. Because of that, we changed the plan and are driving down there today. I suspect that we will stop off to smoke a cigar, which I have not done in a few days. I might bring some home with me, but it would not be very many… I would declare them, and I do not want to be killed on the customs and duties. We should be home by dinner time, and I will do my best to get a good night sleep tonight.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1041

    I suppose it is fitting that as today is my first day of breakfast and meal replacements only that I am back to my highest weight. That said, as I had thought I did pretty well yesterday, I should have dropped at least a few ounces, and not jumped nearly two pounds. The fridge chart starts today, and I am on a mission to first drop below the terrible mark, and then drop another twenty pounds by the end of the year.

    I went out for my first chilly walk in a while yesterday and managed to walk 7.33km with an average pace of 9m18s per kilometre… a very respectable pace for my size. My fastest laps (3rd and 4th) were under 9m10s, and my slowest laps (5th and 7th) were 9m25s. In contrast, when I was walking in Dallas a month ago (November 27th) my fastest lap was 8m44s, but only the first four of eight and a half laps were under 9m30s. In other words, yesterday’s first outing (with much more than just shorts and a t-shirt) was quite respectable. I will probably head out for another go today, but we will see… while there is only a slight chance of rain, the forecast is quite windy so I might dust off the treadmill instead.

    My sleep score last night was only 71. I was in bed early, but I watched TV and played on my tablet until midnight. I will try to do better tonight. I hope that after a couple of days of exercising my body will start needing the sleep. I also had trouble in the bathroom this morning but made up for it after breakfast. I wonder what my weight would have been had I been successful earlier?

    I did not write anything about the certification exam I sat last Wednesday because my mind was elsewhere. It was a very entry-level exam, and I was not at all anxious about it. While they do not tell you the actual grade, I am confident that I achieved at least 90% on it. With that, and with my very open schedule for the next few weeks, I decided to register for my next exam, which is not nearly so entry-level. I booked it for next Monday, which means I have a week to study. I began yesterday and spent several hours on it. I will do the same today. The cost of the exam is $599 plus tax (US Dollars), and the fact that someone else paid for it does not mean that I will give it less import; far from it, I think that when a training company pays for me to take a course and the exam then I have to give it all of the respect that they showed me and make sure that I pass on the first try, and that I am worthy of teaching it as soon as possible. With that, I will be studying hard almost every day this week (I am taking Thursday off to go somewhere with a buddy.

    My plans for today, starting with earlier:

    • Take HRF Princess Sophie for her walk.
    • Breakfast
    • E-mail, other correspondence, and writing this journal entry
    • Suiting up for a long walk
    • Come back home, shower, then have a meal replacement shake
    • Run to Costco to return an item, and to buy protein bars
    • Study for a few hours
    • Another meal replacement shake
    • Early to bed.

    Oh, and somewhere in there I need to drive out to Hamilton to pick something up.

    Will I succeed? I do not know, but that is what I am hoping for. Will my weight be down tomorrow? It will have to be!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1040

    I was a bit surprised to see that my weight was up slightly this morning, but not terribly so. Today I will be eating the last of the chicken that I have in the house, and starting tomorrow I will be eating breakfast and then only meal replacements for the rest of the day. If my knee holds out I will also start walking. In fact, It looks to be a pretty nice day out today (albeit chilly), so I may go for a walk after my appointment.

    I do not know if this is the time that I will start and get all the way to my goal weight, but I am going to try. To that end, I printed a new fridge chart to encourage me. I have to do more than print papers though; I need to redouble my efforts and make it happen. I have to stop eating but more than that I need to stop cheating. I need to change my attitude toward food, and I need to once and for all break the unhealthy relationship that I have with food.

    While I am planning to walk outside today (with high temperatures of 7°C (41°F), I just went into my bedroom and cleaned everything off the treadmill. If it is my intention to use it this winter to keep active, then I have to as of right now stop using it to hang clothes. Yes, that stereotype is real… except in my case it will be temporary.

    Yes, I went to the supermarket yesterday. Knowing that I have a meal or two left, I purchased vegetables so that I can have a salad with them. I also bought a handful of trail mix which I should not have done… but I also thought about buying breakfast cereal and stopped myself. A smaller transgression is better than a larger one.

    I finally got a good night’s sleep. I woke up feeling refreshed, and while my body battery was low from the time I woke up, the 80 on my sleep score was a relief to see. I will try to sleep well again tonight and am hoping that if I do exercise then it will contribute to that.

    When I picked up my prescription meds yesterday, I also took the opportunity to get my Covid-19 and Flu vaccines. I have still had no ill effects and hope this proactive measure will help to keep me healthy.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1039

    I am two pounds closer to the terrible mark this morning than I was yesterday. I was disgusted with myself that I weighed over 305 the last three days, and am really glad that starting tomorrow I am going back to eating breakfast and then meal replacements only.

    I am still not sleeping very well… I took the pill last night but it still took a while to fall asleep. Once I did, I had very weird and disturbing dreams. I will likely be tired today, but I will do my best to not nap so that I will be able to fall asleep at night without medicinal help.

  • Day 1038

    I took a nap yesterday afternoon, and paid for it at night… I could not fall asleep. So this afternoon, after I came back from my busy morning, I did the same thing. I know… that was stupid. I told Leslie that I will probably take a sleeping pill this evening (despite how much I hate doing that) in order to try to get back on track.

    I did not write much yesterday, so I did not write about the previous day; on Thursday when I brought my car in to change my tyres I went for a walk. I walked 5km, thinking I was not making very good time. In fact, I was making very good time, despite the lack of athletic shoes. I am not unhappy that I was doing about 9.5 minutes per kilometre wearing my Blundstones!

    I am still not back on track… but I am working on it. Hopefully today was better than the previous few days, and the numbers on the bathroom scale will reflect as much tomorrow. I also mentioned to Leslie earlier today that for the first time in my memory I am getting bored with chicken. While there are a lot of ways I could address that, I decided that once the chicken I have in my fridge is done, I will go back to two meal replacements per day (plus my usual breakfast). I would like to get down not only under the terrible mark, but much lower. I may not be able to do it over the holidays, but if I can get down to 280 lbs. before Hanukkah they I will be quite happy with myself.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1037

    I do not remember a night when I got worse sleep than I did last night. My sleep score was an abysmal 30, and when I got up to pee at 4:15am I was not able to get back to sleep. I have been dragging arse all day but that is to be expected.

    My weight did not improve from yesterday. It did not move at all. Hopefully tomorrow.

    Have a great day.

  • Day 1036

    Okay, I can try to get back on track now…

  • Dqy 1035

    I did not do very well yesterday again. I just need to get through today and then try to get back on track. In the meantime, I twisted my ankle as Princess and Sophie and I were out this morning. I do not think it is bad, but it is something I need to pay attention to.

  • Day 1034

    Did terrible yesterday. Emotional pain. Paid for it on the scale this morning.

  • Day 1033

    I was disappointed this morning when there was no drop on the bathroom scale. I suppose that when I cannot move my bowels that is more likely to happen. As usual, I took Princess Sophie for her walk, then as I was preparing breakfast I felt the need to go. I had not eaten yet so I was still within my own self-set guidelines, so I stripped down and weighed myself again. I did not recover all of the weight I had gained yesterday morning, but at least I was down half a pound.

    I did not sleep very well and have a packed day today. I will at least try to eat well.

    Have a great day folks!