Losing a part of me

Blog

  • 2026 Day 14

    I fell head-first off the wagon yesterday. To begin with, and as a very minor issue, I finished the peanuts that were in my car as I drove it to the mechanic. I then came home and slept as much as five hours before my gorgeous bedmate woke me up and told me that she needed to go out for a walk. According to my fitness watch I actually slept from 1:45pm until 6:35pm, most of the time quite deeply.

    Even as I was driven home from the mechanic’s (more on that in a minute) I was thinking about cheating on my diet. I would need to order something in though if I did… I would not have a car, and it was far too cold to even walk to the supermarket or pub on the corner. I came into the house and essentially got right into bed… although I would not sleep for another hour or so. With one brief phone call disturbance I slept until I woke up.

    I did not realize I was in trouble until 8:00pm when I stood up from what I was doing; I felt dizzy and light-headed. and nearly fell. I knew I needed sustenance, and I did something really stupid – I ordered Chinese food. What an utterly stupid thing to do. A large soup, a vegetarian egg roll, and General Tao chicken. Deep fried, fattening as hell, and replete with sodium. Ugh. I did not weigh myself before I got dressed to teach, but I will get back on the scale tonight or tomorrow.

    I took my car in yesterday. He had told me that the diagnosis might take 30 or 90 minutes. As soon as I got there I asked the owner if I could leave it there and he could call me with the diagnosis. He drove me home and promised he would call. I was in bed five minutes after getting in. I tried to stay awake because I thought he would call, but I couldn’t stay awake. He called a few hours later, we spoke, and I went back to sleep. Before I go to sleep today, I will call to see if the car will be ready today. I do not need it, and if he wants to keep it until tomorrow that would be fine. If he wants me to pick it up this afternoon, then I will ask if I can come right before he closes. Yes, I would have to contend with traffic… but as I write this paragraph I know I have four more hours of work, and I would love to go to sleep in four hours and five minutes.

    Fall down seven times, get up eight. My goal for today is to make it through the rest of my class without falling asleep… and then getting back on my diet.

    Have a great day folks.

  • 2026 Day 13

    These last four days my weight has been up or down by less than half a pound, but today’s weigh-in was the lowest since my massive weight gain a few days ago. Not by much. With that said, it – and all of my weigh-ins this week – will be mostly irrelevant. My schedule is just completely off.

    Sunday night I hardly slept, and I did not get any sleep in the afternoon before my Monday evening class. After class I set my alarm for midnight and I did get two hours of sleep. Everything in that sentence points to inaccurate weighings – not nearly enough sleep, waking up at midnight, all of it.

    Following my peanuts and dried mango attack yesterday morning I did not have a meal replacement until just before my class started. My next one was before my class started. All in all, on Monday I had one meal replacement, four slices of dried mango, and some peanuts. Had I slept at all and then weighed myself at a normal time, I suspect I would have lost at least some weight this morning. Oh well.

    I took Sophie for her walk at my lunchtime (6:00am). It was holy-fuck-it’s-cold-out degrees outside, with a windchill reading of you-will-probably-die. It was a blessedly short walk.

    It is time to go back to work. Have a great day.

  • 2026 Day 12

    I was obviously in a terrible frame of mind yesterday after I weighed myself. Nonetheless, I did not cheat. I had some celery, a pinch of grated cheese, and three meal replacements. This morning my weight was slightly up from where it was yesterday… although within the margin of error. That does not make me feel any better about it.

    I did something stupid this morning. I had to leave the house around 7:00am to get to an appointment across town. I took the toll road and was extremely early, but even then the traffic could have been bad, and I could not be late for this one. I took Her Floofness for her walk, and then I fed her, prepared a cup of coffee to go, and headed out. I was just pulling out of the parking lot when I realized I had not prepared a meal replacement. For a brief second I thought about turning back, but decided to venture forward. The appointment and my punctuality were too important. There were maybe fifteen peanuts in the car, and that is what I ate before the appointment. When I left there I decided to stop at Bulk Barn. I bought peanuts and four slices of dried mango. It got me home by 11:15am without needing to stop off and eat something else that would necessarily have been a worse choice. Yes, the mangoes were bad. In my current state of mental health (my weight loss is only one thing weighing on me) I accept that, and will continue to try to do better. In the meantime, I decided to forego my second meal replacement of the day (which would have been my first). I will have one before my class starts this evening… and another between my evening class and my overnight class. Yes, it is going to be one of those weeks!

    Despite my terrible state of mind yesterday, or possibly even because of it, I got a lot of work done on a project that I have been quite delinquent on. In fact, I would venture to say that it was the most productive weekend day I’ve had on a work project in years.

    Knowing that it was going to be a very early morning (my alarm was set for 5:15am) I was in bed at a very reasonable hour. I turned off the lights and all devices a few minutes after 10:00pm… and then proceeded to toss and turn until 1:30am. No wonder my sleep score was in the toilet.

    I am going to do a little bit of work on that project now, and then will try to sleep for a few hours. I am crossing my fingers that I can.

    Have a great day folks.

  • 2026 Day 11

    Fuck this diet. Fuck it all. I just do not care anymore.

  • 2026 Day 10

    I fell off the wagon today.

    This weekend was supposed to be a quiet one, relaxing at home and such. When a Lodge brother texted me yesterday afternoon asking if I would be able to come to help his sister with her computer, I said I would be delighted to. This morning I took that opportunity to book a haircut as I really needed it, and my barber is near his sister.

    The list of things that I did wrong is long, but it all started with my bathroom scale. I was good yesterday, following the program as I should. How then, please tell me, could I have gained five pounds from yesterday morning? I swore, I cursed, and the fact that a couple of my attempts had be only about two pounds up from yesterday did not change that my weight is so severely up from yesterday. I know, it is a bad idea to weigh myself every day; I also know that weight loss is about the overall trend, and not about individual plots on the graph. None of that changed the fact that I was in a shitty mood and ready to throw it all in and dive into a plate of chicken wings.

    After leaving my buddy’s sister’s house (with an appreciation bottle of scotch in hand) I realized how hungry I was. I had my morning meal replacement around 8:30am, and it was now… 3:00pm. Had it been a normal day I would have stopped and picked up some peanuts. As I weighed as much as an elephant this morning despite my best efforts, I also picked up four slices of dried mango. I only ate three of them (more on that in a minute). I was really in a bad mood, and I was close to giving up.

    As I walked from Bulk Barn to Dollarama (to buy sugar free chewing gum) I had a loud altercation with a driver. After I yelled at him he rolled down his window and said ‘Didn’t you see me enter the intersection? Why did you continue crossing?’ I replied: ‘Do you mean did I see you blow through the stop sign ignoring everyone else’s right of way because you think you are more important than the rest of us?’ He replied with a comment that I will not repeat here… and as he pulled away he found himself slapped on the cheek by a flying slice of dried mango. Four slices became three.

    I am still down about the weight, even though I know that tomorrow things will be back to normal… or at least I hope they will be, but the mango and peanuts might impede that. I might be going out with someone this evening, and if I do then I will try to not eat… and if I do, it will be a very light cheat. Tomorrow, rain or shine, up or down, I will be back on track with my program.

    Have a great day.

  • 2026 Day 9

    There have been many days that I have disagreed with my fitness watch over the quality of my sleep (based on the reported sleep score). This morning is the first time that I can remember that I disagree on the other side – that is, I thought I slept terribly, but my sleep score was high.

    • Sleep score: 90 (Excellent)
    • Duration: 7h18m (Excellent)
    • Stress: 13 avg (Excellent)
    • Deep: 1h34m (Excellent)
    • Light: 4h41m (Good)
    • REM: 1h4m (Fair)
    • Awake/Restlessness: –, 46 Restless Moments (Excellent)

    There were at least three and as many as five times that I remember waking up thinking that it was probably morning, only to look at the clock and see that it was 1:15am… 3:00am… 4:45am… and so on. Each time I felt like it took me a while to get back to sleep, and each time I remember thinking that there was no way that things would end well for a restful night. Was I dreaming each of those times? I wish I could ask Her Floofness… when I wake up in the night I almost always shift positions slightly, and because I know this disturbs her a bit, I try to reach over and pet her with a few strokes. Alas, she is much wiser than I am, living for the moment and not dwelling on the past. (Excepting for a couple of things that I have done for which she holds a grudge, including moving her from Southern California to the cold climes of Canada, and then later on giving away her couch).

    Depending on which measure we accept, I was anywhere from half a pound up to 2 lbs. down from yesterday. Had I cheated in any significant way, I would have picked a higher reading than I did; as the only ‘cheat’ was a pinch of shredded cheese when I was giving some to Her Floofness. The trade-off for that was that I only had three meal replacements (rather than the proscribed four). I was a bit peckish as I lay in bed at night, but it was not so severe that I needed to sate that hunger.

    On that topic, I am going to give my diet buddy credit for the recommendation about adding celery to my program (as needed). There have been a number of times throughout the past few days that I have felt the need for more, and rather than picking something else (which would be potentially detrimental to my progress), I munched on a couple of pieces of celery. I am at the point where I do not feel the slightest guilt for eating celery, and at the same time I do not feel that I need to gorge myself on it. I do not think I have had more than 2-3 stalks in any day, but if I had then what of it? Five entire stalks (which is double the maximum I have had) would be a whopping 30 calories… nothing to worry about, especially since it adds fibre and no negative nutrients to my intake.

    It is time for me to get to work, or else I would talk about my concerns about my sleep next week, and a few other things I have on my mind. They can wait until tomorrow, when I have no current obligations and will have time to write and relax. Right now I am about to start thirteen hours of teaching, so I’ll close.

    Have a great day folks!

  • 2026 Day 8

    I did not expect to sleep nearly as well last night as I did the previous night. I never sleep as well when I teach into the late evening. The fact that my sleep score was a 66 (Fair) is a minor victory.

    I cheated far too badly yesterday to expect a decent reading on the bathroom scale this morning. My weight edged down ever so slightly (.2 lb.), which kept me just short of the fifteen-pound mark for the week. With that said, I lost 14.8 lbs. in my first week, and I know that I ate far too many peanuts to even expect that. I am satisfied with my weight loss, and will try to cut the peanuts out completely this week.

    Her Royal Floofness had her spa appointment yesterday and she looks absolutely stunning (and everyone agrees). She asked to go out after my class last night, and of course I indulged her. She was not at all pleased by the cold and blowing snow, and she decided it was going to be a very short walk. At one point, she initiated the PDS (Poop-Dance Sequence), but when the wind gusted and howled she looked at me and said ‘Nope… I’ll hold it until the morning.’ We went back inside, and she cozied up into her bed waiting for me to climb in. This morning the weather was equally unpleasant, except seeing as the blowing snow had not let up, there was now nearly a foot of accumulation. She was going to call it off… until she saw her friend Winston, and ran out to play with him (and to show off her new hairdo). She found a section of a neighbour’s lawn that was nearly bare because of the wind, and did her business there… and then said ‘TAKE ME TO SUE’S COUCH NOW!’ It might be a couple of days before she goes out for her complete long walk again.

    I had already told my Lodge that I would not be trekking out to Grimsby for this evening’s meeting; I am not sure if it has been decided officially, but I suspect that we might cancel tonight’s meeting for weather. Whether we do or not, I will not be digging my car out today. I will take Princess Sophie out for another walk this evening, but that is as far as I plan to go. The peanuts that are left in my car will sit there for another day… or two or three, because tomorrow is another very long day for me.

    I suddenly have two classes scheduled for Europe over the next few weeks. Next week, I will be teaching Tuesday through Friday ‘in Germany,’ and the second week of February I will be teaching a week-long class ‘in the United Kingdom.’ As nice as it would be to travel to those places, I will be doing it from home… which means teaching overnight and trying to sleep during the day. How fun. At least I am earning a decent living these days. I know that these contracts will be great, but they will severely affect my sleep schedule. My bigger concern is staying true to my weight loss program, which is harder to do when my schedule is off like that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • 2026 Day 7

    I have been wearing a Garmin fitness watch since 2019, and it has been measuring my sleep the whole time. In nearly seven years I have never seen this!

    On the app it reinforces this as such:

    • Duration: 8h25m (Excellent)
    • Stress: 9 avg (Excellent)
    • Deep: 1h46m (Excellent)
    • Light: 4h36m (Excellent)
    • REM: 2h3m (Excellent)
    • Awake/Restlessness: –, 38 Restless Moments (Excellent)

    I turned off the lights at around 10:15pm, and must have been asleep within fifteen minutes. I did not wake up once, not even to pee! I hit the snooze button a couple of times, so rather than getting out of bed at 6:15am I was down until 6:52am (which led to a bit of a scramble, owing to the fact that I needed to walk Her Floofness and then drive her to her spa appointment). I do not know what else I could have done, but a sleep score of 100 is a completely new experience for me. I hope I can repeat it… although that will not be this evening, as I am teaching until 9:30pm.

    Once again, my weight fluctuated this morning with three pounds separating the lowest and highest registers. I settled on one that was neither the highest nor lowest, and with that I am 14.6 lbs. down from Day 1. Tomorrow morning will be the telling ‘first week’ total loss, but unless I go off the rails, I am doing pretty well.

    I have already cheated this morning. On my way home from driving Princess Sophie to her appointment, I ate some of the peanuts that are in the car. I considered opting to not have my meal replacement because of this, but rejected the idea. I am trying to get used to them as my only stable source of calories. There are more in the car, and my goal is to not eat them when I go to pick her up. Wish me luck.

    Despite the wind, I did enjoy a cigar on the balcony last night. I doubt I will be able to do so again this evening, as I am teaching so late. My next one might not be until the weekend.

    Next week my sleep is going to be a disaster. I am teaching a class in Central Europe Standard Time, which means that my class will be from 1am – 11am local time. I am not looking forward to that, but I am glad that I am earning a decent wage this month.

    Have a great day folks!

  • 2026 Day 6

    I did not sleep as well last night as I did the previous two nights, but that is par for the course. I am not used to sleeping well, so when I do I appreciate it. I also know that the evenings that I work until 9:00pm (and in fact last night it was until 9:45pm) I am not going to get to sleep much before midnight, so the fact that my sleep score was still 71 (with 6h31m of actual sleep) is actually pretty good. I will not enumerate all of the specific measures today as I have the last previous days.

    My weight continues to drop nicely. I am not surprised that, following the program almost completely since Day One, to be on track to lose as much as fifteen pounds in the first week. Were it only possible to maintain that rate, I would be at my goal by mid-March! Alas, that is not going to happen. Yes, the first week is always extreme… and I know that the rate of loss will taper severely by the middle of Week Two. With that said, it is satisfying to see nearly another pound drop off from yesterday.

    I only had my three meal replacements yesterday. From the time I sat down at my computer (around 8:30am) until the time I finished my evening class (a little over thirteen hours later) I was on camera and lecturing nearly the whole time with very little break. Today will be easier, as I do not have an evening class. I was going to say that I was happy that the weather forecast predicted temperatures above 0° through the evening, but only now realized that the wind has picked up since Princess Sophie and I came in from our walk. Depending on how that continues, I might or might not be able to enjoy a cigar on the balcony this evening. Otherwise, I will likely not smoke. Although my friends do have a cigar night this evening, until I have had my car checked out (which will be Thursday) I do not feel like driving too much if I do not have to. That means I am likely not going anywhere today, and tomorrow morning I will drive Her Floofness to her spa appointment (and then will pick her up a bit later). I cannot think of any other reason I would need to drive until Thursday morning.

    Day Six of the program, and I should be beyond the hardest mental roadblocks for now. As for physical roadblocks, I decided from the beginning to proactively add fibre to my morning shakes because I remember the painful stoppages I have experienced in previous attempts. As such, I am still having somewhat successful bowel movements every morning… although they are not quite so easy as they were before Day 1.

    Have a great day folks!

  • 2026 Day 5

    After reading my journal entry yesterday, my diet buddy told me that I should trust my scale, and that I should accept the tremendous weight loss as to be expected in the first week – especially for men. When we spoke later in the day, I explained to her that the reason I did not trust it was not because I did not think it possible that I have lost so much weight in four days, but rather because my floor is not as solid as it could be, coupled with the fact that the bathroom scale (which don’t get me wrong, I have been using since 2020 and I love it) is a cheap one. I have noticed over my weight loss ups and downs that when I weigh over a certain weight (not an exact measure, but a general area) it is less consistent than it will be when I am… say, below 280 lbs.

    As if the scale wanted to prove my point this morning: At 8:01:09 this morning I stepped onto it and it registered my weight at .4 lb. heavier than it was yesterday morning. I stepped off, waited for it to clear, and stepped back onto it. At 8:01:39 it registered my weight at 1.4 lbs. lighter than it was yesterday. I did not move it, I did not nudge it, I did not even stand on it any differently. Two measurements thirty seconds apart were nearly two pounds off. For good measure, I did take a third reading, and that one was consistent with the second (the one that was down). Hence the reason I do not trust my bathroom scale. I will be seeing a doctor next week, and I am sure he will weigh me. Whether he does or does not, the following week I will be seeing my regular doctor, and I know that she will be doing so. Their scales should be much more accurate.

    With that said: down is good!

    Yesterday was the first day since I started the program that I consumed my four meal replacements. The only ‘cheating’ that I did was the two stalks of celery that I ate to abate my hunger throughout the day. If that sounds non-specific, it is because yes… I ate two stalks of celery. However, you may recall that I wrote yesterday that I had cut them up and put them into a not-really-Tupperware container. I cut them into thirds; I ate two pieces three times, totaling two stalks.

    I did not end up using the treadmill yesterday, but I did sit my exam (which I passed). I then decided that maybe it was not quite as windy as the forecast had predicted, so I prepared myself to sit outside with a cigar. I cut it but had not even picked up my torch when a gust blew cold, and I realized that sitting outside was not a good idea. I have always said that I do not mind the cold, but the wind makes it unpleasant. That is true in the summer, but that truth is amplified when the wind chill brings the temperatures down to minus double-digits.

    I have noticed (and not only recently) that despite my old habits of staying up late, my sleep score is consistently higher when I go to sleep earlier. It took me a bit of time to fall asleep last night, but according to the fitness watch, I was asleep at 11:07pm. These nights when I teach until 9:00pm will be difficult, but I am going to endeavour to be ready for sleep earlier than my usual. I would like to get into that habit if indeed I sleep better if I go to sleep earlier.

    My sleep score last night was identical to the previous night, which is not a bad thing. I slept 30 minutes less than the previous night, but most of the measurements were similar – some a bit up, some a bit down.

    • Duration: 7h15m (Excellent)
    • Stress: 20 avg (Fair)
    • Deep: 1h17m (Good)
    • Light: 5h08m (Fair)
    • REM: 51m (Fair)
    • Awake/Restlessness: 13m, 34 Restless Moments (Good)

    Two of the ‘good’ measurements from the previous night were now only fair, and one of the ‘fair’ measurements was now good. Hey, as long as I am able to get through the day without falling asleep in class I will be happy.

    Speaking of class, I got my evaluations from last week’s class this morning. The Overall Instructor score was perfect. Yay! I always strive for this, but there is usually one or two students who give me a 4 out of 5. Not last week. Phew! This week I am teaching two classes… one during the day (advanced cybersecurity), and my evening cohort for basic IT skills begins today as well. I will be delivering that over the next four months every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evening. It is the fifth such cohort that I will have delivered to the same company’s employees since 2023, and while it makes for a lot of long days when I also teach during the day, it is a nice infusion of extra income that will really help.

    Princess Sophie and I went out for our usual walk this morning, and I will not lie… that wind makes it really cold! Someone asked me recently why I would ever have moved back from sunny California to live in this climate. That is a story for another day.

    Have a great day folks!