Losing a part of me

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  • Day 833

    I knew that eating pizza for dinner was not going to be a good idea for my diet, but I did it anyways. I did not expect to gain quite as much weight overnight as I did, but it is a small price to pay to make a young boy happy on his first night home with us in a week… and his first night back in his previously usurped bedroom in months. I ate too much, I ate too late, but I did not expect to gain three pounds overnight. I will do better today; in the event that we decide to get something else for dinner that is incompatible with my progress then I will have my leftover steak for my meal as Leslie and her son indulge.

    I can blame my eating as much as I want, but something has to be said for the fact that I barely broke 1,000 steps yesterday. Yes, I worked… but I did not walk the dog, I did not do anything… I do not even remember leaving the house at all, owing to a forgotten lunchtime meeting which saw Leslie run to the grocery store to pick up provisions. I will make sure to take Duchess out for a good walk this afternoon, and hopefully tomorrow the bathroom scale will be kinder to me than it was this morning. Tough love hurts.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 832

    I did it! Yesterday after I published my article (and did a few other housekeeping items that I needed to get done) I went out for my walk/jog. I walked the first kilometre, jogged the second, and then walked the rest of the way, totaling just over 6.5km in total. I will call that a win indeed!

    After I showered and cleaned up Leslie and I sat down for our last Passover meal. We had the same salad I’ve been making all along, but instead of the balsamic vinegar and olive oil we decided to substitute an Asian dressing. While we both applaud the concept, I think the dressing we chose was too subtle for what we were looking for. Live and learn, right?

    After lunch we completed some paperwork which was hanging over our heads, and then to celebrate we had a cigar on the balcony. Leslie then went back to work, and I had a number of calls and meetings I had to join as well. I then made a reservation for dinner, and then answered a slew of outstanding emails.

    As I might have mentioned, this trip was a last-minute and sudden one, so I packed a bit haphazardly. Had it occurred to me when I was packing that we would be celebrating our anniversary together then I would have packed a jacket and tie. I am glad that I had a button-down shirt and a bow-tie that I had ordered from Amazon. When Leslie emerged from the room in her gown I was breathless, and felt between my weight gain and my lack of a jacket that I had severely married up. I couldn’t help but thinking that I love being married to the most beautiful and radiant woman in the room… wherever we go.

    We headed to Chamberlain’s for dinner and I had already decided that I was not holding back. While I would not violate the dietary laws of my faith, I was not going to be on a diet this night. We had two cigars for each of us (one for before the meal, and one for after). I ordered a very lovely scotch whisky and Leslie ordered a cocktail, and we enjoyed our cigar with those until the appetizer came. We shared a plate of bison meatballs that were delicious. For our main course Leslie ordered a filet mignon and I ordered the bone-in rib steak, only because I knew that Duchess was being elevated today and that she would really enjoy the bone. For our sides Leslie ordered the mushrooms (probably her favourite vegetable) and I ordered the green beans. Everything was delicious, and for possibly the first time in my life I did not finish my steak, opting to take some of it home. Could I have polished it off? Yes. Would that have been the right thing to do, knowing that I was no longer hungry? I think I did right. Also, I will have the leftovers for lunch, making it a win-win!

    I had told Leslie that, as Passover was officially over, we could order an indulgent dessert. Non need… Kelly (our fabulous waitress) brought over an amazing cake for us to share. If the cake had not been among the most deliciously decadent chocolate cakes I have ever had (and it was) then the presentation would have still been award-worthy. It was gorgeous and it was fabulous… and despite knowing I could easily have taken those last few bites, we left some of it over. As it was I knew that I had sinned against my diet, and I felt that having the willpower to not polish it off showed that I am not just paying lip-service to it.

    Following our post-dinner cigar (a fabulous Davidoff Royal Robusto) we were both ready to head home. I took Duchess out for her walk because Leslie’s ball gown was probably not what you want to be wearing when you are traipsing through the grass and bending down to pick up poop. I came home knowing that we had enjoyed a wonderful second first anniversary.

    My weight was, of course, up this morning. In fact, it was slightly above 280 lbs. again. After last night’s dinner, coupled with two days of not being able to move my bowels, I was neither surprised nor upset. Tomorrow it will be better.  have had the last matzah that I need to eat for another year, and my bowels should go back to normal pretty quick. To that end, after my breakfast this morning I was able to finally have a good movement, and am already feeling a couple of pounds lighter.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 831

    Happy anniversary to my beautiful wife Leslie! A year ago today we were in Westlake Village getting ready to drive over to the synagogue. She was a beautiful bride indeed, and I could not help but realize that I was marrying way up.

    On this, the last day of Passover, my intestinal tract have finally succumbed to the matzah. That’s right, I did not successfully move my bowels this morning. Despite that, I was thrilled to see a drop in my weight from yesterday – nearly a pound! While this evening I will not go nuts, I am happy that I will at least be able to enjoy our anniversary dinner without terrible guilt.

    Today is the final day of Passover which means that at sundown we can resume eating bread… and every other leavened food that contains yeast or any of the other grains we are not allowed to eat. Leslie and I were discussing it this morning, and she mentioned how she is really looking forward to getting back to her normal routine. I thought about it and realized that while I am not looking forward to not having to worry about everything that I eat, I am also not jonesing for bread. I suspect there are two reasons for this. For one thing, I have been Jewish my entire life, which means that for fifty-one years I have been keeping kosher for Passover. Leslie is new to it, and is doing extremely well… but is just not used to the week off from bread. Also, over the last two years of weight management I have cut bread (and all carbs and starch) out of my diet completely for long stretches of time. I prefer the proteins to the carbs, so it is easier for me. With that said, when the server brings the bread or dinner rolls this evening, we will be digging in with gusto!

    Until we head out, my day is open. I am going to go for a walk, my first in some time. After that, I will come home and shower, and will relax. I need it.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 830

    My weight this morning was back up to exactly 280 lbs., and I am not at all sorry for it. Yesterday’s dinner was absolutely delicious. Leslie prepared an amazing piece of lamb with garlic and wine which was to die for. She says that she had never prepared lamb before… Somewhat sus!! In any event, we enjoyed it tremendously, and then shared a bottle of wine with our cigar on the balcony. I have been drinking somewhat more alcohol these past couple of weeks than I normally do but I think I can be forgiven… given all that has happened. I might even write about it one day; it would make an interesting read.

    Other than the wine, I do not think I ate badly yesterday. Yes, we enjoyed a piece of chocolate-covered matzah, and yes, the matzah brei for breakfast is a bit indulgent… but it could have been worse. I know that my five-day streak of losing weight is broken, but I will get back on track today. I will eat smart and in moderation.

    Tomorrow is not only the last day of Passover, but it is also our wedding anniversary! It is actually our second first anniversary, and if that sounds convoluted then let me assure you that it is, but we have planned for it. You see, we got married in a courthouse on June 24, 2022, so our first wedding anniversary for the civil ceremony was last June. We got married in a religious service on April 30, 2023, and so tomorrow is our first wedding anniversary for that one. We decided last year that we were going to celebrate our civil anniversary just one time… and from then on we would commemorate only April 30 as our actual wedding anniversary. To celebrate, we are going to have an indulgent meal, which will also have the benefit of it being our first post-Passover meal so we can have leavened foods. While I always enjoy my Passover foods (maybe more so this year, with the goodies that Leslie bought, and with my finally figuring out how to make a good charoset and matzah brei), I would be lying if I said that I would not mind biting into a nice dinner roll. Tomorrow evening I shall!

    I know… I just wrote a couple of paragraphs ago that I need to stay mindful of what I eat. I will be… but our wedding anniversary is special, especially knowing all that we have survive this past year.

    As for today? I roasted a chicken this morning that will serve to provide meat for our chicken salad, and also we will have a dinner of roasted chicken with sauteed mushrooms. I will probably take the night off from drinking – we shared a bottle of wine Friday, Saturday, and Sunday… in addition to the wine for the Passover seder Thursday evening. Add to that, there was a shot of whisky when I found out that Princess Sophie had gone out for a stroll without telling anyone, and that adds up to a lot of alcohol over a four night period… especially for someone who hardly drinks at all.

    I will be spending the afternoon at the cigar lounge. I am meeting with a friend that I’ve known on Facebook for a couple of years, and every once in a while, we connect in Dallas for a cigar. That will be today! I am teaching from 5-8pm, and then Leslie and I will have our dinner and then a cigar on the balcony. It is so good to be able to spend time with her… especially after all of the hardships that our marriage has faced these past few months. I am comfortable saying that I think we are past all of that, and we are back to being a happily married couple… who have to live in different countries until the paperwork is completed (and boy is there a lot of paperwork!).

    Yesterday the weather was not great, but today we are looking at hot and sunny… at least, it is what we Canadians call hot. Today’s high of 83º (and tomorrow and Wednesday logging 87º each day) means that we will be sleeping with the air conditioner going, in addition to the fans. This weather does not bother me one bit, but I know that when I get to the lounge there will be people complaining about the heat. You can’t please everyone, right?

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 829

    What a relief! This morning I stepped onto the bathroom scale to see that my weight has dropped below 280 lbs. for the fist time in nearly three weeks. This is my fourth day in a row that my weight is down, and I am happy to be back below that horrible number. I hope to be able to stay there forever… and to keep going.

    Yesterday I ate exactly as planned. I had the matzah brei for breakfast, chicken salad (with another small piece of chicken) for lunch, and for dinner Leslie and I bought a couple of pieces of prepared salmon from Whole Foods with a mango glaze, and a side of garlic hummus. It was delicious. We shared a bottle of wine with our cigars, and all was good in the world.

    I slept. Wow, did I sleep yesterday! Firstly, Leslie and I decided to take a nap in the afternoon. What we thought might be thirty minutes of shut-eye turned into a 3.5 hour deep-sleep nap for both of us. We then got up and enjoyed our evening. When it was time for bed though… wow, did we hit it hard! According to my fitness watch my sleep score was an amazing 88, with 9h35 minutes registered. I cannot remember the last time I slept so well! I really needed it… the stress of the last week really took its toll on me, and despite thinking that I was fine, I knew from my yawning that I really was behind on my shut-eye. I woke up this morning refreshed in a way that I have not felt in quite some time.

    We revisited the matzah brei this morning, and then I went to pick up our lattés from Human Bean. We enjoyed them on the balcony with a brunch cigar – a tradition that Leslie and I have going back a couple of years on weekends when we are together and when her son is with his father. We finished that around 1:15pm, but owing to the late breakfast, neither of us was hungry yet. We went to the Japanese store to pick up a couple of things that we needed, and when we got home around 2:30pm we were both ready for lunch, which was the same as yesterday.

    For dinner this evening Leslie is preparing lamb for us with sauteed mushroom and onion which I am looking forward to. We have another bottle of wine to share with our cigar, and if all goes well that will be the extent of our eating… and tomorrow morning wouldn’t it be nice to see another drop in my weight? We’ll see… I know, hope is not a strategy… but if what I have been doing these last four days has worked, then doing the same today might result in a similar result.

    I might have to delay restarting my intense program by a week. I have an engagement for a day in Ottawa, and I will take that opportunity to visit Montreal as well. I have not been there since September 2022, and that is too long for me to not see my friends… not to mention visiting my father’s grave site. I have tried to do the program while traveling and it is never easy, so I am considering starting after my return. With that said, I will be very mindful of what and how much I eat when I go.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 828

    I feel like I am starting to get back on track. I ate well yesterday, almost completely sticking to my plan. Breakfast was the usual, and for lunch we had the rest of my chicken salad, but because there really wasn’t enough we supplemented it with a piece of chicken as well. For dinner Leslie made a lovely steak with sautéed mushrooms. After dinner we shared a bottle of Niagara ice wine which was the recommended pairing with a new cigar we were trying. Both were fabulous on their own, but the pairing was pure magic.

    I stepped onto the scale mid-afternoon yesterday and did not like the number, but I never do when I weigh myself out of cadence. This morning I had lost 1.4 lbs. from yesterday, and my weight was the lowest is has been in nearly three weeks. I smiled.

    Before I came to Dallas Leslie asked if I would make her French toast. Of course, during Passover we cannot eat that, but there is a Passover version called Matzah Brei. I prepared that for our breakfast this morning, topping it with fresh strawberries and blueberries, and then drizzled Quebec maple syrup over it. After two bites Leslie told me that you could not tell that it was not bread, and she ate the whole plate. Those are two compliments that brought joy into my heart! I finished my portion as well, and we both agreed that it was delicious and filling. It is now 11:00am and neither of us will need to snack before lunch.

    As we always do on weekends, we are now enjoying a cigar and a latté, which we would usually do on our balcony, but decided to do at our cigar lounge. When we are done we have some shopping to do, and will then go home for another yummy lunch of my chicken salad… I made another bowl of it yesterday because we agreed that it tasted better the next day. I don’t know what we will do for dinner, but we will both be mindful of my diet.

    As I told Leslie, I am happy to be out of the hotel. It is so hard to eat well when you have to order food in.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 827

    Yesterday went exactly as planned with regards to eating. I had my omelette and some matzah with almond butter and jam for breakfast, and then for lunch I prepared a lovely salad for Leslie and myself: sliced cherry tomatoes, cucumber, and Vidalia onion with a chicken breast chopped into it. I poured a little bit of olive oil and some balsamic vinegar into the bowl and then tossed it. Leslie crumbled some matzah on hers, but I decided not to. It was delicious. For dinner we had our Passover seder (three days late) which consisted of a bowl of chicken soup with matzah balls, a hard-boiled egg, matzah with charoset, and a roasted chicken that I seasoned with zaatar. For dessert we had a couple of macaroons. All of this was (of course) kosher for Passover, and aside from the four glasses of wine (which are required for the service) I think I did well both with content and moderation.

    Around 4pm I got a call from an unknown number in Hamilton, Ontario. A young lady had found Her Royal Floofness and called the number on her necklace. It seems my buddy had let her and his (much larger) dog out into the backyard, and when she discovered a hole that a rabbit had dug under the fence, she decided to go exploring. I immediately called my buddy who went and got her (she had not gone far), and Princess Sophie was home safe and sound within a few minutes. With my heart racing a mile a minute, I decided to take a dram of scotch. I doubt anyone would fault me for that. Leslie saw me doing it and approved.

    Due to my recent travel issues and other stressors, my finances are not in a good place right now. I decided yesterday afternoon to email one of my vendors who had an outstanding balance, and he apologized for the tardiness… he had been on vacation with his family, so everything was a few days late. The money was in my account this morning, and I was able to pay down my credit cards so I have a little breathing room, as well as transferring money to my Canadian bank so that I will be able to pay my rent and child support on or before May 1. Phew! I may not be the best father to my children, but I have never missed a child support payment and I never will. My policy is that I will not buy food or drink or cigars before paying that particular obligation.

    On that same topic (my children) I just had a very upsetting phone call with my ex-wife. My son the younger is having a lot of issues, and we are working to get through them. I am hoping and praying that he will be okay, and I am going to do everything I can to help. I thank G-d that Theresa is such a good mother.

    Okay, it is time for me to get working. Have a great day!

  • Day 826

    This morning was the first day in a week that I woke up in our apartment and not in a hotel room. I was thrilled for the good night sleep that I got, and for being able to sleep in our own bed without having to lock the door for fear of being intruded upon. I was excited that we did not have to drive back to the apartment to take Duchess for her walk and to feed her and to give her attention. Last night was thrilled to be able to teach my class in peace from the comfort of my wife’s desk. The only negative emotion that I could not shake was the horror that I would be stepping onto the bathroom scale this morning.

    I did not eat well this past week, and I have not been dishonest about it. Most of my meals were decent enough, but I just snacked way too much… and in terrible quantities. I was horrified that I was going to step onto the bathroom scale this morning to see that I had gained ten pounds in a week. I also knew that if I did, then I would a) now weigh over 290 lbs. (and close enough to 295 to be worried); b) I would have gained a full 50 lbs. from my best weight ever; and c) I would be within a bad day or two of that dreaded 300 lbs. mark… the mark that I said that I would never even flirt with again. If there was one reason why I did not sleep better than I did last night, then it was that.

    At the end of my bathroom rituals I stepped onto the scale with trepidation. The app was open on my phone, and I was dreading where the numbers would stop. When they did, I was shocked. Since my last weigh-in on Wednesday, my weight was down 2.8 lbs. Yes, you read that correctly. With all of the chips, nuts, fruit, and other goodies that I had overindulged on, not to mention the bagels (before Passover) for breakfast and over the past three days a lot of matzah with peanut butter and jam, and with no exercise to speak of (save for walking Duchess)… my weight had dropped nearly three pounds in the week. I weighed less this morning than I have since I got here… and for three days before that

    I cannot see this as a sign that I can be complacent. Everything that I have said over the last few days will stand. When Ryan starts on his program in May I am going to do it with him… at least for a few weeks. I am going to try to be more mindful than I have been. I am going to do my best to not let stress and anxiety make me drop my guard and eat more than I should. I am going to continue to weigh myself daily and journal daily and make sure that when I do have a bad day that I make things right over the next few days.

    I may have gotten a reprieve this past week (which my wife says is probably due to the enormous amount of stress), but that does not mean that I am happy with where I am. Most of my pants do not fit, and when I look at myself in the mirror, I can see that I am a fat man. I do not mean this based on the psychological perception… I mean that I see that I am fat and too damned big. At my absolute lowest weight I was just under 240 lbs. and now I am 282, which means I am nearly 45 lbs. heavier than I was seven months ago. It is time to be done with that and to get back to where I was then. I will continue to journal, but not just about ‘this is what I did yesterday’ or ‘I don’t have anything to write.’ I will use this journal to do what it was meant to from the very beginning… to hold myself accountable.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 825

    Ding! Dong! The witch is gone! I do not want to go into any great detail on this here (although it might one day be the subject for a book). Suffice it to say that the woman who has gone out of her way to make my wife’s life unbearable is finally gone… we think, we hope. We suspect that she has now moved on to her next victim and I feel terrible for whoever that may be.

    This morning we dropped Leslie’s son off at school, and then after walking the dog we went back to the hotel to pack up and check out. It will be a relief to sleep in our own place again tonight. As I type this I am sitting at Leslie’s desk waiting for my class to start. I have some lovely chicken breasts marinating in a barbecue sauce that will be our dinner afterwards, along with some charoset (a Jewish dish traditionally served at the Passover seder, made of apples, walnuts, sweet wine, cinnamon, and honey).

    Speaking of the Passover seder, thanks to the issues we were having we were unable to do it the last two nights. Because I have to teaching this evening, we cannot do it this evening either. We are planning to do it tomorrow evening which is late, but it is better thank nothing. Leslie knows that it is an important celebration, and even though it will only be the two of us… we can celebrate it and I will recite to her the story of our exodus from the land of Egypt and the bonds of slavery.

    Of the myriad reasons I am relieved that we are back home, one huge one is that I have had a lot of trouble with my eating this past week. It is just easier to eat well when we are preparing our own meals. This afternoon we had a bowl of chicken soup with matzah balls (store bought but still tasty). This evening is our chicken breasts. Hopefully there will not be a lot of snacking in between. As it is, I am deathly afraid of what the bathroom scale is going to tell me tomorrow morning. I am certain I will weigh more than 290 lbs., which means that I will have gained a full fifty pounds since my best weight ever… just seven short months ago. It is time to get back on track.

    Have a great day folks! It’s time to teach!

  • Day 824

    My wife and I are dealing with a situation that is extremely stressful for us, and it is all that I can do to not dive into all sorts of really bad foods. I am staying strong because she needs me to be strong, and we are getting through it together. In the meantime, there is someone going out of her way to make our lives miserable. It is disgusting that some people just take and take and take some more, and when you are not willing to do everything in their power to make your life difficult. We will get through it, but until it is behind us, we will likely not sleep very well. I have to continue to remind myself that my pants are far too tight as it is, and I do not want to slip any further after the last six months.

    This evening we will have our very small and abridged Passover seder, and I am looking forward to it. We have Chicken soup with matza balls, I made a batch of charoset, and for the main course I will make air-fried chicken breasts. We will tell the story of the exodus from Egypt and I will remember that while we escaped slavery, we have been an oppressed people for most of our existence. We will read the line ‘B’chol dor vador chayav adam lir’ot et atzmo k’ilu hu hatza mimitzrayim. “In all generations it is the duty of man to consider himself as if he had come forth from Egypt.”’ We will also read the line that ‘In every generation, they rise up to destroy us.’ How fitting is it as we are in the seventh month of our war in Gaza we are still fighting the Amalek – the evil enemy hellbent on our destruction. They have realized that they cannot only do it with weapons, so they have engaged in a misinformation campaign of lies that too many people are ready to believe… partly because the deep fake is so good but mostly because so many of them hate Jews… either consciously or not. I have spent the last seven months combatting the lies online but it is like swimming against the tide. I will not give up, and I will remind my wife and my son that we are wonderful people just trying to survive… tonight and always.

    There are so many problems in this world, and it is easy to forget that eating right is my best way to get slim and to stay that way. I have written a thousand times in this journal that I have to remain mindful. I will continue to remind myself.

    Chag Sameach… and have a great day!