Losing a part of me

My stress has not really abated from yesterday, but I at least did get a mostly good night’s sleep. Following my morning rituals, Princess Sophie decided to extend our walk to a longer route than usual, which is not a bad thing. I would have thought that I got more than 2,000 steps in it, but that’s life. I don’t mind.

Yesterday’s food intake was somewhat more than usual, but not terrible. I did take my son for lunch, and he did want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. I ordered a salad with chicken (no blue cheese, no bacon). They brought it with bacon, so I sent it back. It eventually did come, as my boy was almost ready to leave. It took us quite some time for them to bring us a box for his leftovers, during which I did eat the two small pieces of chicken and some of the lettuce. I realize they are not known for their salads, but even for a wings joint, this salad had the words half-assed all over it. Whatever.

I dropped him off and then came home and made a proper lunch. So really, the two pieces of breaded chicken on the salad would be fairly considered a cheat. In the evening, I also ate the challah (with peanut butter, which is not strictly part of the religious obligations), and I drank the kiddush wine (less than an ounce). Still and all, I went to bed thinking that these cheats would end me, and that when I woke up, my weight would be at least a pound up. In fact, despite not being able to poop, I was down nearly one full pound… .8lbs is a good one-day loss, especially knowing that I thought I was going to be up.

That whole ‘I had this, so I probably ruined my diet’ routine is due to the psychological damage I have suffered over the years. Some of that was self-inflicted, some external, but a lot of it was parental. I am fifty years old, and it has been thirty years since I lived with my parents. I am not going to blame my parents for anything; I am obese because of myself, and not because my mother was a terrible mother. That does not change the fact that the psychological damage I live with is real. I have to try to understand that I can lose weight without the incessant extremism of the program that I am on. Yes, that program is important to my progress, and no, I do not think it would be a good idea to drop the program now, thinking that I could just eat reasonably and always make good decisions. I know that cheating in moderation is possible and acceptable. I also know that, without placing any blame or pointing any fingers, I developed and continue to have an unhealthy relationship with food. If I am not careful, I will make bad choices. I might go a few days eating well and I might even lose a couple more pounds… but my history is clear that I will start to slide, and I will lose my footing, and will eventually fall back into old habits. No, staying on the program is, for now, the right way to go.

Reading this last paragraph, you might ask yourself if I plan to stay on my program forever? No, that is absolutely not my intention. Right now, I am living alone. Once I am living with my wife, it will be easier. I also hope that by then I am at a more reasonable weight. With all of that said, I know that at some point I will likely need to find a therapist who can help me, because I know I am a food addict, and I will always be… but alcoholics do not need to drink anymore, and I can’t stop eating forever. I need to be able to deal with the addiction, and with the other psychological aspects of my psychosis.

Have a great day folks!