Losing a part of me

The last few days have been among the hardest emotionally in recent memory. I am hoping that today I will start to feel a little better. As I keep saying to myself (and to a couple of others), I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. There is really no other way for me to go forward. I am hoping that today will be the day that I do not feel as bad about myself, and that my mood starts to improve.

My weight on the bathroom scale reflects somewhat better than my recent mood and fatalism my dedication to losing weight. To read my journal, to read my Facebook, it would be easy to extrapolate that my weight would be up five pounds this week. In fact, according to my bathroom scale (not the most trustworthy of sources, but mostly a good indicator of progress and trends) my weight is actually down from last Thursday. It has not been a direct line down, but it is in fact down. I have had many reasons to give up this week; the fact that I have not thrown in the towel is not only the greatest indicator that I am serious and dedicated to eventually attaining my goals, but it is also a testament to the fact that I know that whatever external forces or resources or supports I usually rely on, there is only one person and one person only who is responsible for my success, and to whom I am ultimately answerable.

I remember one time, some twenty years ago, when I was trying to lose weight. I would eat things that I should not have, and for reasons that confound reason I figured that if nobody else knew about my cheating then it was okay. Again, whatever external influences I might have, there is no connection between what I tell others and whether I succeed or fail. By that rationale: If I am lying: if I tell people that I am going out to splurge on pizza and wings with a pitcher of beer, when in fact I am going home to have a meal replacement shake and another bottle of water, then I will continue to lose weight. On the other hand, if I tell people that I am sticking to my program, yet I am really splurging on whatever culinary indulgences that I might, then I will continue to gain weight. My body is as illiterate as it is deaf, and it cannot be fooled by words, whether spoken or written down. Put another way: the only factors that my body cares about with regard to my weight loss is my actual food intake and my actual physical activity. ‘Hey, I walked five miles!’ Those words mean nothing to my body. Walking five miles matters.

I had to point out to someone yesterday that I write this journal for myself, and not for anyone else. Why do I write it for myself? I write because it allows me to check in, on a daily basis, what I have done right and what I have done wrong on any given day, which means that I can look back to any given week to see what worked and what did not… as well as how my emotions and other external factors might affect my weight loss. If that is the case, why do I share? I share because when I do well, I can inspire others… and when I fail, I can show people the truth of the old Japanese proverb about falling down and getting up. Yes, I fail… but I do not give up. Am I an inspiration to others? I do not know. Are my successful days an inspiration to myself? I hope so; I also hope that my unsuccessful days are a reminder to myself that I need to work harder and to do better.

The plans for today are simple. I have been asked by a potential customer in Montreal to translate my curriculum vitae into French, and that will take up a few hours. Yes, I speak and write French… but writing it (and especially translating it) is not my strongest skill. I have to continue downloading videos of a class that I sat a few months ago, which I want to re-watch (or continue to re-watch) so that I can pass the exam. That is a much more drawn-out process than you might think… the videos are not shared in a downloadable format. I have to stream them (real time) and record them. In other words, the sixty hours of video will take sixty hours to download… and the ones that I recorded over the last couple of days corrupted, so I have to start from zero today. I have some studying to do for another certification I plan to take, as well as looking into passing an exam that I do not think I will need to study for. I have been told by two training brokers that I will be hearing from two different customers for interviews and to present demo teaches, which is easy for me… but depending on the asks of the customers must be prepared in advance. Okay, that’s long and drawn out, but relatively simple.

In short, I have a lot of things to do today… and while they are all time consuming, none of them are particularly difficult. I am glad for this because the only saying about idle hands and devils are true… the busier I am, the less likely I am to fall off my wagon. Busy days are good. Tomorrow will be a little more challenging – Eduardo and I will be getting together to watch the World Cup and will likely be going to a bar to watch the second match (Argentina vs. Netherlands). The first match (Brazil vs. Croatia) is also an interesting match-up, but the bars around us do not open in time for the start. As a long-time Argentina supporter, the second match is the one I will be cheering, so when Eduardo suggested going to a bar, I agreed. That does not mean that I will be cheating. I have found that it is easier to not cheat when it is obvious – hey, I should not order beer or wings. I am more likely to cheat when it is subtle… there is a bowl of peanuts pretzels or whatever, so having a few won’t matter. My goal: DO NOT CHEAT.

If all goes well, I might go to the gym this afternoon… as long as I get all of my work done. Remember, I do not need to be sitting and watching the video streaming in order to capture it, so it is only the other things that I need to get done. I will work on them… and I will work on trying to get back into the gym today. I also have my check-in call with my diet buddy today… I have

Have a great day folks!