Day 328

I was good yesterday except I had a bowl of homemade soup in the evening. I do not know what the nutritional values are for my soup, but I know that I did not veer from the program at all aside from that, and I know that I gained weight again. My emotions are killing me these last couple of weeks, so I do not know which way is which.

My new bed was delivered yesterday. I put fresh sheets on it and climbed gingerly into bed around midnight. I did not expect to sleep well, but that had nothing to do with the bed or bedding. I am dealing with a lot of emotions that I am completely uncomfortable with. Nonetheless, once I was able to get to sleep, I was able to sleep through the night. That might mean six hours of sleep, but that is still better than it might have been. My original intention was to have Princess Sophie sleep on the couch, but last night she could tell that I really did need my emotional support animal, and she insisted. Thank you, Princess Sophie, I needed you last night. Actually, what I needed was not available to me. I wanted to climb into a bottle. I wanted to dive into a plate of disgustingly fattening foods. That I did neither of those is a testimony to my dedication to not giving up.

My plans for the day have only changed slightly. In a few minutes I will leave for the gym. I will work out (first alone, then with the trainer). After showering, I will come home, take Her Floofness for a walk. Depending on what time it is at that point, I will either make my lunch, or I will head straight out to Eduardo’s to watch the football. If I do that, I will make sure I have a meal replacement with me, as I do not want to cheat. I just do not know that I will have enough time between working out and the start of the match to prepare and eat lunch, but we will see. After the match, I will come straight home so that I can be ready for my class delivery. In a perfect world, I will be online by 5:00pm, but that will depend on a lot of factors. I mentioned yesterday that if the game goes to extra time and then penalties, as hard as it will be, I will have to leave Eduardo’s at 4:30pm at the latest. Yes, my Argentina squad is playing in the semi-finals. Yes, I am extremely invested in that emotionally. No, I am not willing to compromise my professional integrity and reputation for a football match. Go Argentina! Work must still take priority.

However terrible my weight issues have been, I have to consider it a huge victory that through the emotional turmoil that has been the last couple of weeks I have not slipped. Yes, my weight this morning is still up from yesterday, and I have not made any progress these last two weeks… for someone who is used to emotional eating, the status quo is a huge victory. No, I have not made progress… but I have also not fallen off the wagon (or cliff, as it were).

A project that I have been working on the last few days is nearly done, and it has to do with letting go of the past. I have been cleaning out my e-mail. It started because I realized that on my phone, when I would search for e-mails through subfolders, I had scores of them that were no longer relevant… former contracts, old jobs, and so on. I have always kept them all within my account so that I could access them whenever I would need to… and in truth, I do search old emails regularly. The benefit of being able to do that on my phone was outweighed by the sheer heaviness of the ten gigabytes of stored messages (including myriad attachments) in my active email account. I did not want to delete them outright; as I mentioned, I do need to find things from the past from time to time. Instead, I created an Archive mailbox, and have been offloading messages and sub-folders into that. I did not realize how complicated that would be, but owing to the sheer volume, it has not been a simple ‘press here, dummy’ operation. The project has allowed me to see a lot of old emails (some dating to my previous marriage). One email from three years ago even reminded me that an uncle asked me to try to find a picture of someone. Three years ago, that ask was impossible. This week, I was able to search through old photo albums (many of which had been in storage in Ottawa at the time of the original ask) to find pictures of a long-deceased aunt, which my uncle had wanted to add to the family archive. Cleaning out my Inbox has been cathartic. I did not exactly throw anything out, but I have been putting it into long-term storage, which I can call up when I really need it… but which will not bog down my day-to-day.

Okay, I have put off the inevitable long enough. It is time to head to the gym. My knee was hurting in the night, but it was not the gout (which might or might not be gout), rather the familiar pain I have had these last couple of years when I sleep on the wrong side. To make that issue less simple, the correct side is not a constant. Isn’t getting old fun? Anyhow, I have taken my anti-inflammatories this morning, and I do not feel any pain as I prepare to head out. Nonetheless, I do plan to remind my trainer of two things: 1) We have to take it easy because of the knee; and 2) I am going to stretch before my workouts… but it will not be the stretches she recommended. I will follow the KISS principle. As I mentioned yesterday, any stretching routine that requires me to watch YouTube videos each time I go to the gym to remind me of what they are, and which make me concerned I am going to lose my balance and fall and injure myself, is simply not realistic. I do not want to be Mr. Universe; I simply want to be the best me that I can be.

Have a great day folks!

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