Losing a part of me

As of this morning I am once again at my best weight ever. It is a tie – I did not break it yet, but I have officially recovered from the terrible slide that began right at the end of May. This morning the bathroom scale reported that I weigh exactly what I weighed the morning of May 27^th… after which is all went downhill. On July 11 I weighed just under 25 lbs. heavier than I did… and than I do. What do I do now? I make sure to keep going. Like any good addict I will not say that I will never cheat; I will say that I am not going to cheat today.

I did not exercise yesterday because of my class, after which I was so exhausted, I could hardly believe it. I also really felt like cheating. I spent an hour sitting at the kitchen table chewing gum and watching TV for an hour before I got hold of myself and called Leslie. We had a wonderful video date during which she could not help but notice how tired I was. I suppose we all have days like that, don’t we?

My diet buddy and I had our check-in call last night. It is always good to talk with her and to remember that we have come so far. We help each other with a lot of the psychological issues that we face; last night we discussed how it is likely that we will spend the rest of our lives being offended by things people say… and traumatized by things people have said to us as far back as high school. I am really looking forward to not being overweight, but I will always have a fat man inside me who is ashamed of it… even now, knowing I am not usually the most overweight person in the room.

I wore my dress pants around my hips yesterday and they fit fine. I am so happy about that, not only because it means that I do not need to spend the extra money on pants when I go to the clothiers next month, but also because it means that I am actually able to use my hips! I did not mention that the previous day I had worn my jogging belt above my hips, and it fit just fine… although the bottle that I brought was not very comfortable in it. I ordered two new ones which arrived yesterday, and I will take them out for a spin later today. Yet another non-scale victory that I can be proud of!

I have given a lot of thought recently to eating disorders. I do not know when mine developed, although I suppose there are a lot of signs that could point me in the right direction. I am a food addict. Is it healthy? No. Is it something I can overcome? I have been working so hard these last 596 days to do so… and several years before that. What of people with other eating disorders? What about someone who gains weight because of a combination of psychological trauma and medication, who finally finds a program that might work for them, and is then afraid that if they veer from the program even a little that they will be a failure? I have spoken with so many people who have done this program over the past few years and I know people who have real psychological traumas that might make such an extreme program a bad idea. I did not fully understand when I first went through the program in 2017, why the team at the clinic consisted of not only doctors and nurses, but also psychologists and other mental health workers. Having spoken with so many people whose experiences have been so different from mine I understand now why… and why some people were not successful. Looking back, I wonder if it doesn’t make sense that the company that makes the meal replacements only sells them through medical facilities. I consider myself to be pretty psychologically sound, and I have had real difficulties with the program. How much more challenging might it be for someone whose demons are fresh and strong? I think it makes sense, looking at it after having spoken with some other people, to not let people do the program without close supervision from a team of professionals who know and understand the program. I am happy that my doctor agrees to see me every month, but does she really understand my program? My older doctor did, but I do not think I have ever explained to the new one what the program is. I see her when I get back from California. I should probably talk to her more about it.

It is time to get moving. I am torn about what to do first but will chat with Leslie and ask her thoughts. I am supposed to see a friend this afternoon. The last time I saw him I cheated on the program. That will not happen today.

The topic of conversation with every fur-parent we met on our morning walk this morning was how much more comfortable the weather is today, and how they are all glad that the heatwave is behind us. I reminded them all that we live in Canada and that winter is coming. With that said, I am going to try to fit an exercise outing in today. Hopefully my buddy won’t mind my not coming as early as he wanted.

Have a great day folks!