Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 633

    There is an episode of The West Wing in which Toby Ziegler (brilliantly portrayed by Richard Schiff) discusses with Tabitha Fortis (the U.S. Poet Laureate, portrayed by guest star Laura Dern) the satisfaction of crossing things off lists. In actuality it is she who discusses it with him; either way it is an episode worth watching not only for this interaction (which we are called back to at the end of the episode) but simply for the pure genius of the writing and the acting.

    TOBY: What are you doing?

    TABITHA: Crossing off the FDR Memorial, the Atrium, and the Folger Library. I like crossing off lists. It’s very satisfying. You like lists?

    TOBY: Yes.

    TABITHA: You like crossing things off?

    TOBY: I’ll let you know if it happens.

    To know the character of Toby is to understand that he is almost always fighting for the losing cause. His dry wit, along with his beard, smoking cigars, and his love of writing and the English language are just some of his qualities that I see in myself. (The Season 6-7 storyline in which his betrays his country by leaking state secrets to the press is where I get off)

    As does Tabitha, I too enjoy crossing things off. This morning, after a lot of failures that resulted in an extreme and disgusting seven-pound weight gain over Thanksgiving weekend, I was able to cross off another number on the list on my fridge. This morning’s weight not only takes me solidly into Best-Weight-Everland (as well as crossing off the next two-pound marker on my list), but it also allowed me to cross off another decade milestone… I am under 240 lbs. for the first time. I will keep going!

    The weather yesterday cleared up a little bit earlier than expected. When the forecast predicts a 40-50% chance of rain, especially in mid-October, we plan for rain. The rains that were predicted to stop around 5:00pm actually stopped much earlier, and it made for a lovely afternoon. I was hungry earlier than usual, so I prepared my lunch for noon instead of my usual 1:00-2:30pm. Following my lunch (the usual chicken with salad) I had a cigar date with my wife. After that my friend Eduardo came over and we enjoyed another cigar together. When he left, I took Her Floofness out for a walk. When I brought her home, I suited up for my walk. I knew it was going to be chilly, so a long shirt (and layers) and long training pants were the uniform of the day. I was sure that the extra weight and bulkiness of them would slow my stride somewhat.

    Boy was I wrong.

    I do not know if it was because of the chill in the air, or because I had pre-set expectations that the outfit might slow me down, or if I was just in better form than usual… but my pace (walking the whole way) was 8m37s per kilometre over the entire 12.65km of my outing! It is by far the best pace that I have ever recorded for a walk. There have been a few others under 9min/km, but those all involved at least some jogging along the way. I am chalking this up as a huge win, as well as a contributing factor to my remarkable two-pound drop from yesterday.

    This afternoon I am taking my son for lunch, and I have been on the fence about whether I will eat or not. I have asked my ex-wife to try to convince him that we should go for Greek food instead of his usual favourite, but I have not heard back yet. If he does agree to that then I can order a salad and be comfortable with it. If not, then I will not eat anything, and will come home to have a meal replacement afterwards.

    In the late afternoon and evening I am meeting with some people in Toronto, and I suspect there will be food involved. I will do my best to eat well and in moderation, but what will be available is an unknown to me. I will bring a meal replacement with me in the event that there is nothing that I can eat, but if there is something then I will stick to the moderation plan. At least I know that any food offered will be kosher.

    When Eduardo was here yesterday, I put on my Army uniform so that he could take a picture for me. It amazes me that not only does it fit, but it probably fits slightly better than it did the day I last took it off… nearly twenty-seven years ago. My last few months in the Army I let myself go a little, and was probably already starting to get pudgy. Aside from that, the only think that I noticed was that the buttons needed reinforcing… and that the IDF uniform (at least those from my era) were nowhere near the high quality cloth that the US uniforms are.

    As I have dropped below 240 lbs., my goal for this week is to drop a few more pounds to get below 235 lbs., so that when I fly to Dallas a week from today my wife will be able to see me at my absolute best. Of course, if I do not drop another ounce from right now then she will still see me at that – I have no recollection of weighing anything close to this low in the last twenty-five years. Nonetheless I still want to drop another few pounds for her.

    Okay, I am going to call my wife. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 632

    It was a week ago this morning that I woke up to a series of messages telling me that Israel was under attack. It took me about three hours to get off my duff and realize that I had to do something about it… I mean, aside from praying. For the last week I have been completely unsuccessful at what I have been trying to do, but I am not going to stop trying.

    This morning’s .4 lb. drop was a welcome sight. I am going to try to keep going today with no changes to the food plan. I am now only .2 lb. from my best weight ever, and I plan to be there within a day or two.

    I was both hungry and craving yesterday. I decided that if I was going to go to the supermarket to pick up some peanuts then I was going to walk there so that I could at least balance the cheat with exercise. It is a 5km round trip which I did pretty well, averaging 9m03s per kilometre. It was my first power walk in eight days, and nowhere near as long as most of my outings. With that said, it was also the first time I needed to wear long pants and long sleeves for my outing. It was a good reminder that the summer is behind us. My shorts and t-shirts can go away for the season… or at least they can come with me to Dallas for the winter.

    Of course that is not entirely true. I going to start going back to the gym shortly so that I will be able to keep up my progress. I thought about going yesterday and donning my IDF shirt, but my day was busier than I had anticipated and so that did not happen.

    As I walked back from the supermarket yesterday, I passed a group of girls who were probably in their mid- to late-teens. One of them waved and gave me a big thumbs up and I couldn’t figure out what for until I realized I was wearing an IDF t-shirt. It is nice to know that people around here are supporting us. After my walk with Her Floofness yesterday morning I hung the Israeli flag (which I had previously draped over my shoulders) from the balcony. As I sat outside smoking yesterday a couple of people looked up and smiled. So far it has not been vandalized, which is a good sign.

    My plan for today is to stay home for most of it. I have some work to do but not much, and I have chicken and salad to prepare for a late lunch. Yesterday’s peanuts took the place of a meal replacement, and while there are a few peanuts left over, I might leave them where they are and have my first meal replacement in a couple of days in the early evening. There is rain in the forecast until at least 5:00pm, so if I do plan to exercise then it will likely be at the gym. We will see. Maybe I will bundle up and walk outside after the rain stops. I am hoping to continue my weight loss these next few days… there is a decade milestone that is less than a pound away, not to mention that it is nearly two weeks since I crossed off the last number on my refrigerator chart, and it would be nice to be able to do so tomorrow or Monday.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 631

    I did not expect my weight would be down this morning. I certainly did not expect that it would be down 2.4 lbs. from yesterday. Wow! I am now within .6 lb. of my best weight ever from Saturday. I will keep on track as best I can!

    Yesterday I went to the supermarket and bought chicken and vegetables. I cooked the chicken with spices in the air fryer and I prepared an Israeli salad (with balsamic vinegar instead of lemon juice or white vinegar). The meal was finished, and the dishes put away by 5:30pm, and I ate nothing else the rest of the evening. I was not hungry; if I had been then I would have prepared a meal replacement shake. All was good though.

    I am going to enjoy a cigar date with my wife in a few minutes. After that I will prepare an identical meal as the one I ate yesterday. Because I will be eating much earlier today than I did yesterday I fully expect to need a meal replacement sometime either before my class, or else during the break. We will see.

    I am counting down the days until I get onto an airplane to go see my wife. Our time apart keeps getting harder for both of us. It is likely that this time is even harder for us as I try to get orders to deploy overseas. This war is not easy on anyone. My list of prayers for the Sabbath is too much longer today than it was just a week ago.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 630

    The number of calls and texts I am getting from my amazing friends checking up on how I am doing through this war supporting me and telling me that they have me and my family and my country in their prayers continues to bring tears to my eyes. I just wish I could get over there to join the fight… even in a support role.

    My son the elder came over for a drink after my class yesterday evening. He won’t admit it but he is worried that I might get the call. He tried to convince me that once I tried and was denied (twice now) then I have done my duty and I should stay here and get on with my life. It is very sweet of him… even though he knows that I cannot do that. We discussed a lot of other things too, and it was good to catch up. I love him and when he opens up to me it warms my heart.

    That is not to say that his visit did not cause me some level of anxiety. That, coupled with the fact that I had bought a pre-cooked barbecue chicken earlier in the day, resulted in bad things happening on my diet. I am un 1.4 lbs. from yesterday. I will get back on track today and do better.

    I bought the chicken with the intention of trying to integrate a second meal into my day. I originally thought to buy raw chicken to cook, but the timing would not have worked so I bought the cooked one. That was a mistake. It was easy to fall off the program at 11:00pm when the chicken was right there. It would have been a very different story if I had to actually cook it.

    Yes, I am thinking about making that transition from one meal per day to two meals per day. I am going to try again today, which means I will be going to the supermarket shortly. I will not be buying anything prepared. I will buy the provisions to prepare a healthy and tasty lunch. Before I go I should make sure that I have the proper herbs and spices in the pantry… it has been a while since I have needed them!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 629

    I am having a terrible time with what is going on in Israel. I have been trying these last few days to get what is called an ‘Order 8’ which would allow me to get onto an airplane and deploy, but I am having no luck. Most of my friends (and especially my wife) are happy about that. I feel as useless as I ever have. It has caused me to lose sleep, as well as cheat on my program. It is so frustrating that for the first time in twenty-five years my uniform fits… and they will not let me put it on. I just have to keep myself from falling off to the point that I no longer fit into it.

    My weight dropped another pound this morning. I am now 1.6 lbs. heavier than I was Saturday morning before I fell hard for two days. I will continue to try to get back on track with my program; I am flying to Dallas in eleven days and by then I want to be under 240 lbs., which should be achievable by early next week.

    Yesterday I ate only slightly better than the day before, which is to say that I had the same two omelettes and the same bag of chips, but instead of the turkey drumstick I had a shake. Today I will try to do the single omelette and three shakes. I will try my best.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 628

    I was not perfect yesterday on my program by any means. In addition to my morning omelette I had another omelette and a turkey drumstick throughout the day. I also had a bag of chips. Yes, I fell that hard after my class last night. I was just not thinking right. The story:

    Realizing that I had finished the eggs I had in the fridge, at the end of my evening class I looked online to see if any of the supermarkets around might be open until 10:00pm. I knew that three of them closed at 9:00pm, but I decided to take a peek. It turns out that the website for one of them (Longo’s lists them as open until 10:00pm, so after taking Her Royal Floofness for her walk I got into the car to drive up there. The parking lot was empty and the sign on the door let me know that the website (or whatever site I checked) was wrong. 9:00pm closing. Okay, all was not lost. I was only a quick 2km drive to Walmart, so I headed out there. I was nearly at the store when it dawned on me… it’s Thanksgiving Day, and none of the stores will be open. Damn. On the way home I realized that one of the small convenience stores might sell what I was looking for. For maybe the second time since I moved into the apartment (over two years ago) I stepped into one of the smaller mom and pop stores in the neighbourhood. The other time or times I have gone in would have been during a walk/jog when I needed either water or Gatorade. They had eggs… and a bag of chips which I did not need. At least I only bought the one smaller bag, and not the two bags that I indulged in twice over the weekend.

    Despite the chips my weight was way down this morning. From Saturday morning to yesterday my weight jumped a disgusting seven pounds. As I mentioned yesterday, I ate badly and made poor choices… but even with that I knew that a lot of the weight was from salty foods and would fall right off after a day. Sure enough it was down 4.2 lbs. from yesterday. On the one hand, I am 2.6 lbs. up from Saturday morning. On the other hand, that is nowhere near as bad as it was yesterday. I will do my best to stay on track today, and maybe even go out for some exercise in the evening.

    I slept absolutely terribly last night. It was past 1:30am when I realized there was little chance of it happening, and so I went to my computer to do a little bit of work. I mostly did some administrative work on a computer that is usually off (and so had not checked in with my mobile device management solution since July) which needed a check-in, as well as some patch management.

    The warm weather is behind us and if I do plan to go for a walk this evening, I know that I will be wearing long pants as well as a long sleeve shirt. I have what I need, I just long for the warmer weather. I will be in Texas with my wife in a week and a half and will enjoy the warmer weather there. Oh, and I ordered three new golf shirts which should arrive there in time for me to wear. They are a Size Large! I am hoping that they fit immediately… I cannot remember the last time I bought a Size Large in anything.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 627

    I failed miserably yesterday. I will not go into the sordid details, but it started before I got to the Thanksgiving dinner and ended shortly before I went to bed. I looked at yesterday as a cheat day and maybe that was a bad idea… or maybe I needed it with all of what is going on in my head. The result? This morning I experienced the largest ever single-day weight gain I can remember. It was disappointing but predictable and deserved. When I cheat, I gain weight. Big cheats can mean big gains.

    I started writing today’s entry at 8:45am. It is now 5:52pm. Yes, it has been that busy of a day. I spent much of the day with my buddy at his in-laws house. They had a serious cybersecurity breach and I offered to go over to make sure they were safe going forward. I was hoping to be out of there within a couple of hours but honestly did not believe that would be the case. The fact that I got out after 4.5 hours having resolved every issue was a victory.

    I gained more than five pounds overnight. I suspect had I weighed myself after my second bowel movement of the day I would have lost at least two and possibly more pounds of that. I honestly cannot remember the last time I had so productive a movement. The relief was tremendous, and I do not mind that a plunger was required to unclog the toilet.

    I have not been on the program today, but I also have not been cheating like I did yesterday. The only food that I ate that was not part of my regular routine was leftover turkey. I only wish I could have gone out for a good walk today, especially since I will be teaching all day tomorrow. Maybe I will be able to go out after my class… we will see.

    Happy Canadian Thanksgiving folks! Have a great day!

  • Day 626

    Yesterday did not go as planned. I failed. I was fine all day but in the evening… it all went wrong. By ‘It’ of course I mean me. My weight was up this morning and I deserve nothing else. I will try to do better today. Some things are just so hard to deal with. There are days when I wish I had chosen an easier life.

    Happy freaking Thanksgiving.

  • Day 625

    This morning was an extremely bittersweet one. It was nice to see my weight was down from yesterday of course, and I am now within .6 lb. from dropping below 240. That is great, but for the moment not relevant.

    On Day 2 of my journey I wrote an entry called ‘My Weight Loss Goals.’ The last item on that list was this: “When I have lost 170lbs I want to take pictures of myself… wearing my Army uniform!” It was copied word for word from my original weight loss journal that I wrote during my first go at it in 2017… and again from my second journal from 2019-20.

    In April 2020 I moved to Westlake Village. This was the very height of the pandemic where almost everything was shut down. A group of us would sit in the park smoking cigars and we had a great time. During my recent trip a few of us were sitting around chatting and one of them said that the group was the best thing that happened because of the pandemic. I resumed my weight loss program at this time, and I made a bet with one of the boys that by New Years’ Day I would be able to fit into my uniform. Of course that did not happen.

    My phone started dinging earlier than it normally would on a Saturday. Israel was at war with Gaza. The Hamas-led government launched the largest ground and air assault into Israel that we have ever seen. Of course my first thought was that I wish I could be there and join the fight. I went about my morning bathroom routine, after which I stepped onto the bathroom scale (and was pleased to see a slight drop from the status quo of the last few days). I was about to get dressed but I decided to take a slight detour. I opened the bottom drawer of my armoire and pulled out my Army uniform. I decided to give it a shot.

    It fit.

    I do not mean that I as able to squeeze into it… I mean I was able to comfortably put on the shirt and pants! I took a picture – I did not tuck in or put on the belt, but I went to the bathroom and took a picture so that I can send it to my wife… and probably to The Westlake Cigar Boys (and especially Orrin).

    This is going to be a challenging weekend for my program. This evening I am going to a birthday party at a restaurant. I wish I could say no to the invitation, but I cannot. I will do my level best to be good. Tomorrow I am going to Thanksgiving dinner at my buddy’s house… or rather at his parents’ house. It has been a longstanding tradition that I join them for both Thanksgiving and Christmas (when I am in town), and it gives me the opportunity to see my godson and goddaughter. I plan for both days to go for a long walk/jog before the festivities and only hope that will negate the effects. I am going to do my best.

    Autumn is upon us and so is the autumn weather. The forecast high temperatures for the week to come are steady between 12-14°, which means that t-shirt weather is behind us… as is the certainty of being able to comfortably sit outside with a cigar. I have sweatpants and long sleeved t-shirts so I am not concerned that I will need to abate my outdoor exercises just yet, but in anticipation of that time I am glad I did not cancel my gym membership. I am going to take a drive down to The Running Room to see if I can replace the running gloves that I bought there twenty years ago… and which are ready to fall apart.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 624

    Yesterday was another stressful day of teaching, but I did not try to relax by eating. In fact, at the end of the day I had originally planned to go to a friend’s house for a cigar but decided instead to go for a long walk to clear my head (and to get some exercise). How did it go? Well, when combined with the evening cigar I smoked after showering I think it turned out fairly well.

    My weight this morning was up from yesterday. It was not a significant increase – .2 lb. – so I am not concerned. When I was first gaining the weight in early adulthood, I would make the excuse that muscle was heavier than fat. Looking at the stats from my bathroom scale app it might be, for the first time ever, that might have something to do with it. There are only three stats that increased from yesterday to today: weight, BMI, and muscle mass. Maybe the 12km walk did build my leg muscles somewhat… and increased my weight ever so slightly.

    The measures on the scale yesterday were all over the place. After my walk I weighed less than I did in the morning. Before bed it was four pounds up from the morning. That worried me because I usually drop as much as 2-2.5 lbs. overnight, but seldom more. What I did not take into account was how much water I must have consumed and been retaining. I was feeling a discomfort in my bladder all day, but I couldn’t figure out why. If you want to know why I did not sleep well last night it is probably because I got up to pee seven times, each of which was a long and steady stream. While my weight was up this morning, it was not up enough to worry about… but the excess water is what caused my concern (and the discomfort).

    I should mention that I have once again not moved my bowels for four days. As I promised my doctor I am not going to wait until it gets painful and will take a laxative. I do not want to take it until my teaching is done because I do not know how my body will react. I will say that I have been feeling the sensations that I would like to go the last hour but will have to wait until lunch. I know that it will likely be more than a 2-minute pain-free experience. In my life I never thought I would be in the market for stool softeners and things like that. Not fun.

    My class lectures are done for the week! My students now have a few hours to work on their labs and of course I am happy to help them with those, but the lecture portion is done. I will take my lunch break in a few minutes during which I have some calls to make and will try to do those from the balcony. It is a beautiful day out, and in the Great White North we should never take those for granted.

    Have a great day folks!