Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 604

    Shana Tova uMevurechet! May you be inscribed in the Book of Life. Last night as I lit the candles with my wife (over video unfortunately) I said prayers for so many people as I do every Sabbath. I wonder then why I do not say prayers to give Leslie and me strength to continue to succeed with our weight loss journeys. I know that this week I really could use all the help I can get.

    I wrote yesterday that I had a terrible day the previous day. The stress and anxiety of the root cause of it was nearly overwhelming yesterday. I cannot remember any day in my professional life where I felt more anxious, and it took a terrible toll. At the end of my class, after I took Her Floofness out for her walk, I was still shaking. I spoke with Leslie and told her that I was going to do one of two things: I was going to eat, or I was going to drink. I knew that if I started to drink that it would have been very bad… I would not have stopped until I passed out. She agreed that knowing the day that I had I should probably eat.

    I went to the supermarket and bought chicken, broccoli, and (stupidly) a bag of mini crisps. I came home and I prepared my meal (freezing half of the chicken so that I was not tempted to eat it again tonight). I steamed the broccoli. I enjoyed my meal; while I did feel guilty about it afterwards, I also feel that it was a necessary step.

    My body must have agreed… once again, while I did not lose weight this morning, I also did not gain any weight.

    My body and mind are exhausted from the week, even after what I think was a pretty decent night sleep. I am on the fence about going out for a long walk today, but it is probably what I should do. When my diet buddy asked me how I was going to make up for cheating on Thursday I told her that is what I would do. I did not tell her that I would be cheating on Friday as well.

    I do not know why but I walked away from this article for a few minutes… six hours ago. I did not go for a walk, but I also did not spend the entire day watching TV and smoking cigars on the balcony. I have been working on something at my desk. I have not eaten, although I realized that I put the remaining chicken into the Fridge and not the freezer, so I am going to cook it for dinner, so it does not go to waste. I have some broccoli left that I will steam to go with it. For some reason I have gotten to this point (5:45pm) only eating my omelette this morning, so the chicken will be taking the place of all three meal replacements. I can live with that without feeling guilty. I am also glad I realized this early enough so that dinner will be by 6:30pm, and not later.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 603

    I had a terrible day yesterday… and not only because of the bathroom scale. It was professionally a crappy day that was made worse by something that Leslie is going through as well. I cracked. For the first time in more than two weeks I fell off the program. Not only did I have some peanuts, but I also came home from picking up my prescriptions and made another omelette… and it was 9:00pm which means not only did I eat what I should not have, but I also ate when I should not have.

    By the grace of something I did not gain any weight this morning. I did not lose any weight either, but I am quite relieved that is stayed the same. I will try to do better today. I have nearly seven more hours of teaching before this dreaded class is over and I can turn off and prepare to light the candles to welcome the Sabbath… and the New Year. I swear I will not let professional petty garbage prevent me from decompressing and relaxing this evening and this weekend.

    Whether or not I buy a challah, or apples and honey, or anything else that might remind me it is a holy day, and which would help me to forget this dumpster fire… that is still to be determined.

    Have a great day folks… and Shana Tova uMevurechet uMetukah to all my Jewish readers.

  • Day 602

    The fucking bathroom scale can go to Hell.

    Can someone please explain to me how I can gain an entire pound from yesterday? If it is that finicky and dare I say random then what is the point of this deprivation? Why am I mostly starving myself if I am going to gain an entire pound when the only thing I ate outside of the norm was less than an ounce of cheese?

    Fuck this. I’m done.

  • Day 601

    I was relieved this morning to see that my weight dropped back below 250 lbs. on the bathroom scale. While it did not get back to where it had been two days ago, it was close; tomorrow I will be back to my best weight ever… as long as I can stay on track.

    I was not able to say this yesterday, but I think I got a pretty decent night’s sleep last night. I was in bed by 10:30pm and asleep by 11:15pm or so. Most nights I do not fall asleep before midnight, and knowing first that my alarm was set for 6:00am, and second that today would be another 14-hour workday (with twelve hours of lecturing), I really wanted to get some rest. Mission accomplished. I woke up mostly refreshed and was even able to move my bowels before my shower and then shave. I truly feel like a new man. I am ready to face the day!

    Realizing that I am heading to California in a few days, and that I have not done so in a while, I am going to collect the majority of my dress clothes tomorrow so that in the evening I can take them to the dry cleaner. I want my wardrobe to be as fresh and proper as I am when I see my wife next week. I would do it today but I know that it is far too busy a day to fit it in. I am also thinking about trying a new dry cleaner that I passed during my walk over the weekend. I just have to remember that decision when I get into the car tomorrow before my autopilot drives me to the same spot.

    It is a lovely day outside which I will get to look at it periodically through the balcony doors during my breaks. I will be at my desk until 9:15pm so it will only be brief glimpses… and hopefully I will get to take Her Floofness out for a walk at lunch.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 600!

    Holy wow! If you told me on January 20, 2022, that I would still be working at this nearly twenty months later I do not know if I would have believed you. If you had told me that twenty months later I would be at my best weight ever – nearly 150 lbs. down – then I would have been thrilled. Had you told me that it would take me 20 months to drop that weight, and that I would still be on the program… well, I do not know what I would have said. This has been a very challenging journey replete with struggles, hardships, and myriad ups and downs… not only with my weight but also my emotions.

    With that said, I was disappointed to see a huge jump on the bathroom scale this morning. I was disappointed to be back to (but not above) 250.0 lbs. after two days below it. Maybe I do need to exercise every single day in order to stay below that. It is also possible that the one cheat that I have been allowing myself during my two weeks of no cheating (a couple of ounces of the shredded cheese that is always on hand to put into my omelette can find their way into my mouth if I am truly struggling later in the day) is something that I can only allow myself when I have exercised.

    One thing that I should mention is that I have once again not moved my bowels for a couple of days, and that is probably a factor as well. I am not saying that if I had been successful this morning that my weight would not have been slightly up from yesterday, but it is possible that instead of a .8 lb. jump it might have been half of that. I have been adding fibre to my meal replacements sparingly because I remember what happened a few months ago; I am going to bite the bullet on that and will add a couple of teaspoons of it every day to try to induce some semblance of regularity. Last night I was feeling that I might have been able to poop successfully, but I was in bed, and I felt that if I might be able to then, I would definitely be able to the next morning. Wrong. Lesson learned: Going forward, go when the urge strikes.

    I mentioned to Leslie a couple of nights ago that I might consider taking my bathroom scale with me to California. Initially the idea was to help her, but as I struggle around these two major milestones (one of which I am still hoping to achieve by the time I get onto the plane a week from today) I am thinking that it would be a good idea for me as well. I have been saying that while we are in SoCal I will be more lax on my program than I have been these last few weeks; if I see the numbers up from the previous day I could adjust my eating accordingly. I have never in my life taken a bathroom scale with me on vacation (although I did take one with me when I moved to Japan, for all the good it did me). I have always been of the mindset that ‘I’m on vacation’ means that you can let yourself go and get back on track when you get home. I know now that I have used my mulligans; sure, I could do that… and then take two weeks to recover from whatever weight I might gain during the week. It would be a smarter plan to try to stay on track. I am not saying that I will stick to the program religiously, but I will also not be using the trip as an excuse to dive into large plates of deep-fried anything. I also know that Leslie does not want to stop her program, and it would be unfair to go nuts in front of her… or for that matter, even behind her back. It is settled then… as long as it can fit into my luggage, I will pack the bathroom scale and take it with me to California.

    The weather this morning was wet but not entirely miserable. It was raining a little but not terribly… not enough that Her Floofness would not go out for a bit of a walk at least. She spent the afternoon yesterday with her friend Charlie at the neighbour’s house, so she likely went out for a couple of extra walks. I am afraid that the neighbour is not working from home today so that will not be an option. In addition to this morning’s abridged walk, I am reasonably sure that we will be stepping out during my lunch hour. That is not a bad thing… it will be good to get some steps in on this, my second of five straight days when exercising will be impossible to fit in.

    My plan for the day is to not cheat at all. There will be no cheese. There was my omelette this morning, and there will be three meal replacements… as well as a pot of coffee and a lot of water. I do not mind running to the bathroom twelve times throughout the day; what I do mind is the thought that I might not drop back to my best weight ever over the next couple of days. At least I will have a relaxed evening on the balcony where I can video chat with my wife.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 599

    I got out of the restaurant unscathed yesterday, which I considered quite an accomplishment. The fact that the service was abysmal only aided that a very little bit. I had a nice lunch with my son the younger (or rather I watched him eat). I then went to get my car washed (it was long overdue), and then came home, had my meal replacement, and then went for a long walk/jog. I completed thirteen kilometres, which made it the fifth walk/jog of over 9km of the week, and the fourth of 12.5km or longer. All in all I am proud both of my day (insofar as I did not cheat, and I exercised) and my week (likewise).

    I am teaching a new class to a new audience for a new training provider beginning today. I am doing it on the recommendation of an old friend. In other words I cannot screw this up lest I let down my buddy and darken my name with a new potential source of income. No pressure, right? Add to that I will be working fourteen hour days Monday and Wednesday and I can tell you that this last week of the waning Jewish calendar year will not be an easy one. Then again, I suppose anything worth having is worth working hard for. I believe I am up to the task.

    Because of my work schedule this week I know that I will not be getting much exercise. All I can do is stay true to the diet end of the program and make sure I do not cheat, and hopefully I will continue to lose a couple of ounces every day. I do not expect any dramatic drops anymore, but I do loathe the possibility of possible gains… even though I know them to be simple blips on the overall downward trend of my weight loss graph… that is, as long as I stay true to the program. There is just no way that I can ingest what I have been ingesting on a daily basis and actually gain weight… that would be absurd.

    Okay, it is time to get to work. In truth, I started an hour ago, but the students are doing a quick evaluation right now, so I have a moment to close up.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 598

    I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning with trepidation. I knew that I had not cheated at all yesterday, and that I had gone for a very good walk. I knew all that yesterday morning as well so when the numbers on the scale were up, I was disheartened. After that measure I knew that if I did drop slightly then I would still be at or even above 250 lbs., and that I would need to lose at least .6 lb. to drop below that milestone. It did not help at all that I was not able to move my bowels this morning. I did yesterday after I wrote my article, but that doesn’t mean anything. I looked at the scale and stepped up as if I was taking that last step out of the helicopter. Just like that zipline drop, I waited there unable to move or do anything for several seconds. I then looked down to see where I was.

    249.4 lbs.

    I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought it would be a celebration, an exultation of some sort. There was nothing like that. In fact, I realized a minute later that I needed to repeat the process – not to check that I had not dreamed it, rather to take a picture of the numbers on the scale so that I could send them to my diet buddy who, at that moment, was I am sure lying comfortably in her bed three time zones away. I did not want to send it to my wife – I want to tell her personally so we can celebrate together. Julie has been a wonderful friend and she will be thrilled for me, but Leslie is the woman I want to share my triumph with. Maybe her absence is why I did not jump up and down or pump my fist in the air. I don’t know. Please do not misunderstand me; I am thrilled, elated, overjoyed… I am just toned down about it.

    Next milestone: down 150 lbs… and if I stay on track then that will be in the next ten days or less. I am less than five pounds from that one.

    I am picking up my son the younger at 11:30am and taking him for lunch. I have no doubt that we will be going back to Lone Star Texas Grill, where he will order the queso with chips, and a pound of breaded Buffalo wings with barbecue sauce. I will gird myself to resist the temptation of the free chips with salsa that the waiter will bring before he even takes our orders. I will order nothing but water or possibly coffee. I will sit and watch my thirteen-year-old boy devour his food that will look and smell so delicious and tempting. Now that I think of it, I might order a plate of celery and carrots. My boy always gives me his carrots, and a plate of carrot sticks would not hurt me. I don’t know… it will depend on how I feel when we sit down. If I feel that I am strong enough to make it through his meal, then I will simply eat the ones off his plate. If I am feeling weak, then I will ask for my own. I will not cheat.

    After I drop him off, I will come home and have my first shake of the day. It will be slightly later than usual, but not terribly so. I will see if I have the energy to go for a long walk, but I know that my body should get some recovery in from time to time. On the other hand, I am teaching this week (Monday and Wednesday from 9am to 9pm) so today is my last opportunity to exercise this year.

    Yes, Friday evening the Jewish People will welcome the New Year. Rosh Hashana is a time of reflection just as New Year’s Eve is on the Gregorian Calendar. This has been a wonderful year of change for me; I married my lovely wife (yes, we were married in a courthouse the previous year, but this year it was under the eyes of G-d). I lost a tremendous amount of weight this year; I actually lost more weight from January 20-December 31 2022 than I have this calendar year, or even from January 20-September 10 2022 than I have this year… but I still started and finished that year morbidly obese (Obese Class 3), whereas today I am 16 lbs. from dropping from Obese Class 1 to Overweight. I have written before about my thoughts about the BMI Scale, but absent more accurate yard sticks, I will take this one. What other changes have I made? I have been exercising (although not as regularly as I should, still pretty well). I have been more conscious of my appearance, and Leslie and I are that much closer to being able to live together. I have helped Leslie to learn more about our beautiful religion, and I have maintained my faith to a level that I am satisfied with… although I know that I can still do better, and I will endeavour to do so going forward.

    I was sitting and talking with a neighbour yesterday. He doggie is old but he’s a good boy and Princess Sophie wanted to spend some time on his patio with him, so his mom and I were talking. I told her how much weight I had lost, and she was absolutely shocked. I pulled out a picture of what I looked like on the day I started this journey, and she was flabbergasted. She started by saying that it had mainly been in my stomach. She then said ‘actually, I guess it was everywhere. You can see a real difference even in your face.’ This is a woman who only sees me fully clothed so she cannot see that my legs, my hips, my chest, my shoulders… every part of me is smaller, more toned, and less flabby. I still have a long way to go, but I am thrilled by the progress I have made so far.

    Here we are again. These last few days I have been writing about how many days I had weighed in lighter… well today that number is zero. I am at my best weight ever. My diet buddy said that there is nowhere to go but down, but when we talk next, I will remind her that thinking like that can lead to disaster. Down is where I want to keep going… but it would not take much for the trend to turn and for my weight to start going up. I cannot do that. Best Weight Ever is a great place to be… and I hope to keep moving that number downward over the next few weeks and months. I might take a pause for my week in California, but I am still not going to go overboard. I am going to do my best to come home on Tuesday, and on Wednesday morning step onto my doctor’s scale and weigh less than 110kg. This morning I weigh 113kg. Later that day I will be measured by the Hong Kong tailor, and I will be smaller than I have been since the Army. I will keep going because I know how easy it would be to lose focus and end up gaining the weight back again. I can never let that happen.

    Okay, it is time to get moving. I am going to sit outside with a very short cigar and my coffee, and in 25 minutes I will go to pick up my son.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 597

    I had a feeling last night that I was not going to break the 250 lbs. milestone today. In fact I told Leslie that I was pretty sure I was going to lose ground… that somehow, I was going to gain weight this morning. Whether that was because of the timing of my meal replacements or whatever else it might have been, I had a bad feeling. I was right. I stepped onto the bathroom scale and was up nearly half a pound. Sigh. Weight loss can be a frustrating endeavour sometimes.

    Look, I know that I have not been nearly so regimented throughout as I might have been. I know that had I not faltered, cheated, fallen off, taken breaks, and so on… well, it would not have taken me so long to lose what I have. I just see the day – Day Five Hundred and Ninety-Seven. I want to achieve that next major milestone – under Two Hundred and Fifty Pounds – before Day Six Hundred. That gives me three more days to do it, and I am going to do everything that I can to do it. What does that consist of? Frankly, there is nothing I can do that I have not already been doing. I will make sure I get good exercise outings in today and tomorrow because I know that this coming week that will not be possible. I will continue to not cheat on the program. I am going to try to sleep well and live healthy, and hopefully in the next two or three days I will reach it.

    For those of you who think that once I hit this milestone I might slack off, you should know one more thing. At 250 lbs. I have lost One Hundred and Forty-Five Pounds. That is absolutely a lot of weight. That leaves me exactly five pounds from my next major milestone… a 150 lbs loss. It will take a bit longer of course. My hope is to be able to reach that one before I get on the plane next Tuesday, which gives me ten days to lose 5.4 lbs…. which is not unreasonable, although it is also not a certain lock. It would be nice!

    I killed it on the trails yesterday. Okay, most of my jog/walk was not done on trails but on streets. Wherever it was I think I did very well. I jogged the first two kilometres (which I had not been able to do the last few times) which is already a good start… but then for the next five kilometres walking I would jog the first 100-150 metres of each kilometre. All in all I think I did really well. Additionally I stopped into Fortino’s again, and once again I did not veer from my path. I bought a large bottle of water and mixed it with Gatorade Zero powder. I also needed some provisions – I ventured into the store and bought shampoo, conditioner and dish soap – which forced me to walk through those ever so tempting sections and past those oh so delicious snacks. I bought nothing other than my hair products and the dish soap, and not one peanut more. This despite knowing that in the evening we would welcome in the Sabbath, and that it would be so easy to buy a challah to bless. I walked into the store, I bought what I needed, and then I went to the tables adjacent the prepared food section where I prepared and enjoyed my Gatorade. I consider that a huge win.

    If you read my article yesterday and are wondering why I substituted my planned visit with a friend with a 13.2km jog/walk, then let me tell you that it was a fortuitous call from my buddy that allowed the change. He told me right after I posted the article that he had to cancel our meeting because his minor medical procedure, which would have had him home by 11:00am, was postponed to the mid-afternoon because… it doesn’t matter why, it just was. That freed up several hours of my day to be able to not only have two relaxing video dates with my wife (one mid-morning, one in the evening) but also to go out for some exercise. Of course, I was hoping that the extra push would be just what I needed to get me through that 250 lbs. milestone, but apparently not. No, I will need to wait another day or two or three for that. Grrrr.

    I have a few hours of prep work to do today and tomorrow for the class that I am delivering this week, so my plan is to stay close to home today. Tomorrow I am taking my son (the younger) for lunch which will be yet another challenge to face and to overcome. I have not veered from my program in ten days, and I would like to keep that streak going until the day I leave for California. At the very least I want to keep it going until I not only pass that heretofore never passed milestone, but I want to pass it with enough leeway that I would not be in danger of losing ground and popping above 250 lbs. because of one errant day.

    Of course I will not work too hard today; I will make sure to take time to remember the Sabbath, and I will relax with a cigar or two. If the weather holds up I might even head out for a walk/jog this afternoon.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 596

    As of this morning I am once again at my best weight ever. It is a tie – I did not break it yet, but I have officially recovered from the terrible slide that began right at the end of May. This morning the bathroom scale reported that I weigh exactly what I weighed the morning of May 27th… after which is all went downhill. On July 11 I weighed just under 25 lbs. heavier than I did… and than I do. What do I do now? I make sure to keep going. Like any good addict I will not say that I will never cheat; I will say that I am not going to cheat today.

    I did not exercise yesterday because of my class, after which I was so exhausted, I could hardly believe it. I also really felt like cheating. I spent an hour sitting at the kitchen table chewing gum and watching TV for an hour before I got hold of myself and called Leslie. We had a wonderful video date during which she could not help but notice how tired I was. I suppose we all have days like that, don’t we?

    My diet buddy and I had our check-in call last night. It is always good to talk with her and to remember that we have come so far. We help each other with a lot of the psychological issues that we face; last night we discussed how it is likely that we will spend the rest of our lives being offended by things people say… and traumatized by things people have said to us as far back as high school. I am really looking forward to not being overweight, but I will always have a fat man inside me who is ashamed of it… even now, knowing I am not usually the most overweight person in the room.

    I wore my dress pants around my hips yesterday and they fit fine. I am so happy about that, not only because it means that I do not need to spend the extra money on pants when I go to the clothiers next month, but also because it means that I am actually able to use my hips! I did not mention that the previous day I had worn my jogging belt above my hips, and it fit just fine… although the bottle that I brought was not very comfortable in it. I ordered two new ones which arrived yesterday, and I will take them out for a spin later today. Yet another non-scale victory that I can be proud of!

    I have given a lot of thought recently to eating disorders. I do not know when mine developed, although I suppose there are a lot of signs that could point me in the right direction. I am a food addict. Is it healthy? No. Is it something I can overcome? I have been working so hard these last 596 days to do so… and several years before that. What of people with other eating disorders? What about someone who gains weight because of a combination of psychological trauma and medication, who finally finds a program that might work for them, and is then afraid that if they veer from the program even a little that they will be a failure? I have spoken with so many people who have done this program over the past few years and I know people who have real psychological traumas that might make such an extreme program a bad idea. I did not fully understand when I first went through the program in 2017, why the team at the clinic consisted of not only doctors and nurses, but also psychologists and other mental health workers. Having spoken with so many people whose experiences have been so different from mine I understand now why… and why some people were not successful. Looking back, I wonder if it doesn’t make sense that the company that makes the meal replacements only sells them through medical facilities. I consider myself to be pretty psychologically sound, and I have had real difficulties with the program. How much more challenging might it be for someone whose demons are fresh and strong? I think it makes sense, looking at it after having spoken with some other people, to not let people do the program without close supervision from a team of professionals who know and understand the program. I am happy that my doctor agrees to see me every month, but does she really understand my program? My older doctor did, but I do not think I have ever explained to the new one what the program is. I see her when I get back from California. I should probably talk to her more about it.

    It is time to get moving. I am torn about what to do first but will chat with Leslie and ask her thoughts. I am supposed to see a friend this afternoon. The last time I saw him I cheated on the program. That will not happen today.

    The topic of conversation with every fur-parent we met on our morning walk this morning was how much more comfortable the weather is today, and how they are all glad that the heatwave is behind us. I reminded them all that we live in Canada and that winter is coming. With that said, I am going to try to fit an exercise outing in today. Hopefully my buddy won’t mind my not coming as early as he wanted.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 595

    And then there were three.

    As I went to bed last night, I did so knowing that any day now, as long as I stay on track and true to the program, I am going to wake up and step onto the bathroom scale at or beyond the next milestone. I am now within ounces of reaching my best weight ever; it could have been today, but it was not. My weight did drop a little, and I am now 250.2 lbs., the same as I weighed May 26. The next time my weight drops it will tie or break that milestone.

    It was hot out there on my walk yesterday afternoon. I jogged the first 1.25km and then walked the rest of the way. It was a shorter outing than the previous few only because I took a different route, and by the time I had to decide whether to extend my route I was hot and tired and decided to take the most direct route home. The total route was 9.6km, which may be shorter than the usual but is still pretty respectable considering it was 32° and sunny the whole time. I did stop at Fortino’s to rehydrate. I am quite proud that I did not cheat, despite sitting in close proximity to the peanuts (bulk foods) aisle!

    I am in class for a training organization that I have never taught for today. It should be an easy introduction to them as the technology I am covering is very high-level. I am dressed appropriately, my slides are loaded, and I am logged on (and was over an hour early). I am really hoping to leave a good impression.

    It seems the heatwave has broken. The forecast high temperature for today is 27°; tomorrow that drops to 24°. The weatherman is predicting rain for today, but only in the middle of the day during my class. I have no doubt that by the end of class the balcony will be dry, and the smoking lamp will be lit. It is somewhat funny that when thinking about the rain this is what comes to mind first, and walking Princess Sophie is almost an afterthought. She hates walking in the rain but will grudgingly do so if she needs to do her business. If all goes well, Her Floofness will not be getting wet today. I do have to remember to change my shoes though… I am wearing my nice loafers, and they got wet enough this morning when we were out. If it does rain, then I’d rather get a pair of sneakers wet.

    Okay, it’s time to work. Have a great day folks!