Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 505

    I am really not impressed with the numbers on the bathroom scale this morning. My weight has crept up all week, but this morning it shot up by another 2 lbs. which is really starting to upset me. I have been eating breakfast cereal these last few days (which has really helped me with my bowel movements), and that is the only significant change. I am going to cut it out as of this weekend and do my best to get back on track. I know that when I am on the plateaus I will go up a bit, especially when I am not exercising… but I have to find a way for it to not go up this badly. I am still healthy, feeling good, and looking just as good in my clothes as I was a month ago (I think), but the numbers are bothering me.

    As I expected, this morning is a relatively easy one. My students are taking their exam. After they are all done, we will spend some time reviewing it, after which time the students who did not pass will be allowed to retake it. I am giving the rest of them the opportunity to work on labs, as well as practice exams… there is a huge difference between the assessments written by the training centre and the certification exams they will have to take for industry accreditation. We will review some of those questions as well, after which the class will be finished at 1:00pm. I will have lunch, and then at 2:00pm Eduardo is coming over for computer help and a cigar. I expect the first part will only take a few minutes, and the second will take most of our afternoon. I am going to the supermarket to pick up a challah roll for this evening. Leslie and I will be together for the next two Sabbaths, but tonight we are on video chat for one more candle lighting. It is amazing to think that she will be here in two days. I can hardly wait!

    I slept well last night for the first time in almost a week. I suspect it had to do with the clean sheets and tightly made bed. I will pay closer attention to that going forward. I know how important it is to my weight loss, as well as to my overall physical and mental well-being, to get a good night’s sleep. If clean sheets is the answer, then I will not hesitate to change them weekly if needed.

    The spring weather reminded me this morning that summer is not quite upon us yet… and that we are in Canada. Princess Sophie did not seem to mind the light drizzle as we walked this morning, but it was there. The forecast calls for rain all morning, followed by a cloudy afternoon and evening. It should be comfortable cigar smoking weather indeed.

    One more thing that I intend to do today, while I am already going to the supermarket, is to take some of my shirts to the dry cleaners. I am certainly saving a lot of money by wearing undershirts and hanging them neatly immediately after I take them off, but that does not mean that they never need to be cleaned. I suspect I will not have them back until Wednesday, so I will not take them all in. Even with that, knowing my schedule for next week I will have to pick them up before class starts. I do not like to schedule errands for the morning, but there it is.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 504

    Just as happened the previous evening, I stepped onto the bathroom scale and saw a shocking number. Unlike the previous, it did not all disappear the next morning. I am, once again, within a couple of ounces of the 260 lbs. mark. I am not happy with myself; I know I have to do a better job today than I have these last few days, or else I am going to slide back into old habits. That would result in the eventual catastrophe of losing all of the progress that I have made.

    All is not lost. I know that over the last year and a half I have had several plateaus. They have been breaks from the rigidity of an extreme program which cannot be sustained long term. There have been a few of them, and I have always managed to get back on track. I will stay aware and stay mindful, and I will not give up. It is only when I start to let go that I really start to lose.

    This morning’s class is very relaxed… at least, it is for me. I got through almost all of the lectures by end of day yesterday, so this morning I only had one topic to cover. With that said, the students have a lot of labs that they have to get through, which is what they are doing this morning. The two students who have completed the labs are working on practice exams. All said, the class is ready for tomorrow’s end-of-class assessment test. I can do a little bit of work on my own stuff this morning when I am not answering student questions. After lunch I will pick Kerry up from the train station, and she will be here for a few hours. My evening class will not be quite so relaxed… but it is one of the classes I do not fret about. Unlike yesterday, I am not counting the minutes until my class is over tonight… although I do intend to have another cigar date with my wife when it does!

    While it was not reflected on the bathroom scale this morning, I made it through yesterday mostly unscathed. Truly I cannot understand how my weight jumped a full two pounds this morning, but I am sure that if I stay on track then it will get back down tomorrow. I just have to stay focused. I did run all of my errands yesterday, and somewhere along the way I realized I had lost my glasses. I was able to retrace my steps, and finally found them at the service desk of the supermarket. Phew! While I love my other pair of glasses, they are scratched up and waiting for the new lenses to come in (which is another ordeal which I will not spend time on). I would have worn those had these gone missing, but I am glad I got them back.

    I have not been sleeping well these last few nights. I strongly suspect that is because my linens were dirty, as well as not tight (which happens when I have had not changed them in three weeks). I stripped the bed this morning and put them into the laundry. This evening I should have an answer to whether or not that was my issue. If not… then it is likely because I hate sleeping alone, and Leslie will be here in three days to solve that issue… at least for a couple of weeks.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 503

    Was yesterday a complete success? It was not. Was it a failure? No. In the balance, while I cheated (I had a couple of bowls of cereal in the afternoon) I still stayed mostly on track, eating nothing after 5:15pm. The result: I was down one pound on the bathroom scale this morning. I will take that as a victory. It has to be a one-day-at-a-time strategy, and I have to be willing to accept that there is a lot of ground between the absolutes of success and failure.

    As I expected, my friend’s computer problem was not really a problem. He came over around 2:15pm, and we were smoking cigars on the balcony by 2:30pm. I am glad I was able to help him… even though I did not actually do anything this time. I did, however, upgrade his computer so that it will be easier for me to keep an eye on the health of his computer going forward. With that said, I did all of that while sitting on the balcony and smoking cigars.

    This afternoon I have a lot going on between my classes. I have a meeting with an old business colleague at Tim Hortons, and then I have an introductory call with a head-hunter who thinks he might have a job for me. I am always happy to take those calls… even though they seldom lead to anything, and I am quite comfortable teaching until my visa status changes. After class this evening I have a very important date. Today is my wife’s birthday. It is her first birthday since we are married (the anniversary of our civil ceremony is June 24th). I am hoping that it will be her last birthday that she has to celebrate alone. By next year I am praying that my visa will be approved, and that we will be living together so that we can celebrate together. While she is coming to Canada this weekend, her visit does not touch either of our birthdays, missing hers by four days and mine by eleven. Last year she was in Canada to celebrate my fiftieth with me. It just could not work out for either of us to travel for either of our birthdays this year. Next year… well, we are maintaining our posture of cautiously optimistic.

    I know what you might be thinking. I have an appointment at Tim Hortons… am I going to be tempted to cheat? The simple answer is that while I do like a nice doughnut or Timbit, I do not consider them temptations. It will be easy for me to order a cup of coffee and avoid the baked goods. It would be easy even if I was not planning to eat lunch before going, but I am… so it will not be a problem. The bigger temptation is usually walking through the supermarket. I went yesterday to buy vegetables, but I only realized when I got home that I am nearly out of milk. Drat, I have to go back today.

    When I wrote yesterday that I might be able to jog tomorrow afternoon I forgot that I have my cleaning lady coming, which means that will not be an option. Friday and Saturday are still on the table, and I will make sure to get at least one workout in before the big day when I drive to the airport on Sunday!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 502

    I have to get back on track, but I am glad that my slip has not been as bad this time as it was a few weeks ago. I am still under 260 lbs. which is not ideal, but it is still better than when I ballooned to 267 when I came back from Dallas.

    Last night I was hungry, so I had a shake, but I was still not satisfied. I decided to make an omelette which did satisfy my hunger without cheating too badly. With that said, I ate too late last night, and I paid the price. It might have been worse… when I stepped onto the bathroom scale before bed the number was truly frightening, and I was sure that this morning I would see a huge jump. Fortunately, despite not being successful with my bowels this morning, my weight was higher… but not nearly as high as last night’s number hinted at.

    This weekend I have to get back on track with my running. I have not been jogging these last few weeks, owing partly to my schedule but also something else. After a couple of weeks without doing it I am now afraid that starting again I will fail. I have to get past that, and I will. If I am not able to get out sooner, then I plan to lace up Saturday morning for a good outing. There is a possibility I will be able to go between classes Thursday, or even after class on Friday. I know how important it is, so I am going to try for at least one if not both of those. I do not have to break any records, I just need to get active again. Even if I only jog a couple of kilometres and then walk to finish a five kilometre circuit then I will consider it a success. Anything more will just be gravy.

    After class today a friend is bringing his computer over for help, and then we will likely smoke a cigar. I am teaching in the evening, so he will have to be out by 5:15pm or so, but it will be nice to spend a couple of hours with him. It will be nicer if the issues with his computer are not serious and only take a few minutes to resolve. More often than not that is what will happen. We will see.

    My goal for today is to not cheat! I have been going overboard these last few days and I have to stop doing that. I did not make an omelette this morning – that was not because I did not want one or because I had one last night, but I was a bit lazy this morning and then Princess Sophie wanted to spend more time socializing on her walk than usual. I will make my usual midday meal which I will eat before my friend comes over. I am going to set a reminder to prepare a meal replacement shake during the break in my evening class. If I can stick to that then I should be able to stop the slide that I have been on these last few days.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 501

    I ate more than I should have yesterday, and I paid the price for it on the bathroom scale this morning. Not only did I eat too much, I also ate too late. I have to stop doing that. I do not know what possessed me at 7:15pm to decide to make myself a plate of spaghetti. I did, and boom! I will do better today.

    My office area is completely transformed, and I am absolutely thrilled! I have everything set up exactly the way I want. The only decision I was on the fence about was whether to set up my primary desk as the one against the wall, or the other one which is perpendicular to it. The downside of choosing that one (which I did) is that the back of the desk, with exposed cables and monitors, faces the kitchen. I decided that was a better option than the alternative, which would have had my cameras facing both my bedroom and the bathroom. I have tried to be ever vigilant when I work from that desk to keep both of those doors closed when I was on camera, but I have occasionally forgotten. I have also remembered to turn off the camera when going to the bathroom, which is none of my students’ business. I have never forgotten to close the door while actually using the bathroom, but going in and out can be delicate. Now the only thing that I am missing is a cable long enough to plug my main laptop into my managed switch… Yes, I really have one of those.

    (I should mention that another disadvantage to choosing the other desk would have been needing to adjust the top shelves, which need to be screwed and unscrewed carefully. One more disadvantage would have been that while the backs of monitors and cables face the kitchen now, the alternative would have been having two full shelves of books facing the kitchen, which I thought was a worse alternative. G-d forbid my sink explodes, I would have to replace a monitor or two. Some of those books are irreplaceable, dating to the 1890s.)

    My productive day yesterday did not stop when I was finished organizing my office. I broke down all of the boxes that I have had accumulating the last month and took them to the recycling. I took all of my luggage (which has been sitting in the corner of my room since I was getting ready to go to Dallas) down to my locker. I also pulled out the tools and fixed the handle on my front door, which was loose and ready to come off in my hand at any moment. I admit that I was not so sure about how that one would go, and if I might not need to enlist the services of a handyman for it. I used to be pretty handy, but it has been a very long time since I have tried to do anything like that. I felt a great sense of accomplishment when it was done… and properly done at that. I hung up the half-dozen or so jackets and vests that were draped over chairs and couches. I folded the outstanding laundry (although now that I think of it, I suspect I have another load in the dryer that I will need to address today). I even put a broken chair into the car and took it to a dumpster (that I am not technically supposed to use). I took most of my martial arts weapons and put them into my Taekwondo sparring bag (not the one I would take to class today) and put that in the storage locker as well. After a very productive Sunday, my apartment is more organized than it has been in a very long time.

    At the end of my nearly seven hours of productive work, I should not have rewarded myself with a plate of pasta after my cut-off time. I will have to remember that. The simple equation is that when I am mindful, I lose weight, and when I am not then I do not. Really, Mitch… this is not Rocket Science. Stop doing stupid things like that!

    It is going to be a lovely day today, and I would like to take full advantage of that… but alas, my schedule will not permit me to. After class I will prepare my lunch, and then I have a meeting with my cousin who wants help with her IT environment. After that, I will take Her Royal Floofness for a long walk and I will time it so that I can be back in time to set up my environment on the balcony for this evening’s cigar class. It will be busy, but I am excited by just about everything I have on my list for the day. I am even excited to discuss software troubleshooting with my students for the next four hours.

    I will stay mindful, and I will get through the day… and tomorrow morning the numbers on the bathroom scale will be better than they were today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 500

    Five Hundred Days. I cannot believe that this journey has taken me thus far. I am disappointed that I have not done better; I am overjoyed that I have done as well as I have. Yes, I would like to have gotten to where I want to be – completely slim – but I am not unhappy with what I look like and feel like now. I will continue to try to improve, albeit less drastically.

    I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning and had not gained, nor had I lost any ground. After the last few days of weight gain (and nearly six days without a bowel movement) I am hoping that the combination of a good movement last night and kerbing my eating a little will reverse that trend. I should also mention that this morning I have had two extremely productive movements – one before and one after I weighed myself. They were not exactly easy, but they were not as difficult or as painful as the last few attempts were. I am relieved that my insides seem to have turned a corner. Literally relived.

    My main goal for today is to organize and clean my office area. I am going to try to bring a large measure of ergonomics and Zen to my workspace so that I can make my life more efficient. That will involve a lot of work that I have been putting off for a few weeks (I have had the words Clean My Desks on a Post-It note almost since I returned from Dallas) but I think today is the day. I also know that my cleaning lady is coming on Thursday, so getting it done prior to that means that she will not need to work around my clutter.

    In precisely one week I will be getting ready to drive to the airport to pick Leslie up, and I could not be more excited. I hate that we are not together always, but I also know that the wheels of government bureaucracy turn slowly, and that eventually we will be able to live together forever. Until then, these periods apart are just the commercial breaks between our wonderful times together.

    Of course, after my work in the office (really a ten-foot square corner of my living room) I will likely relax on the balcony with a book (or two) and a cigar (or three). It is a lovely day, and while a lot of friends would love to see me, I think my original plans to rest and recuperate this weekend are the right way to go. Starting tomorrow I have five long days ahead of me, and I will not have the opportunity to have a completely restful day until Saturday… and Sunday Leslie is coming!

    I have a lot of work to get done if I plan to organize and modernize my workspace, so I am going to start on that. I have looked at this corner many times these last couple of weeks and been daunted every time. I simply have to go at it and not let myself get overwhelmed. The more progress I make, the less daunting it will be. I hope to not do a half-job, because if I say to myself, ‘Look how much I’ve done! That’s enough for today, I’ll finish up later…’ then I know that it will be the end of it. I do not want that to happen.

    Something I have to start doing as I get through this is throwing things out. There are a lot of things around that might one day be useful… or not. If there is a slight possibility that I might need a ten dollar item in the future, but there is a reality now that it is contributing to my sometimes overwhelming clutter, then it will go into the garbage. If it has significant value, then I will list it for sale. However none of it is staying mixed with my production workspace or storage – it will go near the door so that when someone wants to buy it, I’ll sell it… or if nobody wants to buy it then I can donate or throw it out. It is time to eliminate clutter.

    Oh right… and I plan to eat well today. No overdoing it! I cannot believe how long it took me to put together that the rice I have been eating with my protein has contributed to my constipation! Today I will eat chicken with salad… and that’s it. I will also be done eating by 4:00pm.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 499

    It is rare that I sit down to write my daily journal entry at 8:30pm, but here we are. I just got very busy, but I did not want to miss the day.

    At the end of Her Floofness’ walk this morning we met up with Charlie and his mom, and they went to their place for a play date. I had a few things that I needed to get done before my 11:00am appointment at the Apple Store (Yes, my second such appointment in the past few weeks). They replaced my iPad under warranty (yay), which means I have to restore everything from backup. They really do make that very simple. I then had a lovely cigar date with my wife before Eduardo came for a visit. I made dinner, had a long chat with my rabbi, and then organized a few things around the house. I prepared a few invoices for last week and for next week so that I do not fall behind.

    Yesterday afternoon I had a bit of a bowel movement. It was painful to say the least. I knew that what I excreted was not nearly everything that was accumulated, but I was simply not able to do anymore. That means that today was really my sixth day of being blocked up. When I felt the urge a few minutes ago I decided that I was going to fight the pain. It was not as painful as yesterday, and it was certainly more productive. I do not know that my bowels are now empty, but I certainly do feel somewhat emptier. What a relief!

    I ate more than I should have today. I think I was trying to fill myself to the point where I would not have any choice but to poop. I will do better tomorrow. Don’t get me wrong, I did not completely pig out… but I have to do better.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 498

    It is now five days since I have moved my bowels and I am starting to get concerned. I know that I have been eating so the waste is accumulating inside me. I am just glad that it is not causing me any serious discomfort yet. I will keep hoping that at some point today I will finally feel the urge to go and succeed. I also hope that when that happens it will not be too painful.

    As my body is currently storing a lot of waste it cannot come as any surprise that my weight is up again this morning. It is not a terrible rise, but it is up. I know if I stay on track this will pass, but I just hope it comes soon.

    My plans for the day are simple. It is a busy day, but different from the last few. I will have the evening off, but my afternoon is busy. After my morning class (which ends at 2:00pm) I will be taking Her Royal Floofness to the doggie spa for her hair and nails appointment. I will come home to record a webinar with one of the training centres that I work for. I was worried about that until I finished creating the content last night. Now I am just looking forward to having it behind me so that I can enjoy my weekend.

    We have been under a heat warning most of the week, but that is not why I have not been jogging. It is a coincidence that tomorrow the heat is forecast to break, and I might finally have the opportunity to get out for the first time in a couple of weeks. I have to start getting active again.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 497

    It was going to happen eventually if I kept playing fast and loose with what I eat. Yesterday I realized I only had half of my usual portion of chicken, which I ate for lunch. I then went shopping and picked up chicken, as well as a few other items. I decided to supplement my smaller-than-normal meal with… another meal. I also had decided to splurge when I saw a fruit and yogurt treat at the supermarket, which was yet another stupid decision. The result is I lost four days worth of progress in a gluttonous afternoon. That will not happen today. My plans for today are simple: I had an omelette for breakfast, and I will have my regular meal for a late lunch… and that is it. If I do get hungry then I will supplement that with meal replacement shake in the evening, but I hope I do not have to do even that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 496

    I stuck to the plan yesterday, except that I accidentally made too much rice with my chicken. I have to remember to measure it out, and for some reason I was not paying attention and I just free poured. It could have been worse… I was probably a quarter of a cup too heavy on my pour.

    I was once again worried as I got into bed last night. Before I lay down, I stepped onto the bathroom scale. Of course the evening reading is discarded, but it usually gives me a good indication of what my weight will be in the morning. I can usually expect a drop of two pounds from 11pm to 7am. When I saw that my weight last night was a full 3.6 lbs. heavier than it had been in the morning, I got concerned that I would be gaining weight today. I might have to rethink my plans if that was the case… even if I did eat too much rice. It turns out that I worried needlessly. This morning I actually dropped .2 lb. from yesterday morning. I suspect the reintroduction of starch into my diet is having an effect on things, and the fluctuations over the course of the day are going to be less predictable. As long as I continue to lose weight from morning to morning then I am less concerned with that than I might have been.

    I am trying to remember if today is the second or third straight day that I have not had a successful bowel movement. While not yet worrying, this is certainly surprising as I have reintroduced a proper meal (and some days two) into my diet. I will have to pay attention to this over the next few days to see when I finally do, and if that becomes regular. I suspect that my next attempt might be painful, and in anticipation of that I decided to take a teaspoon of fibre powder this morning. I do not want to get so backed up that it gets uncomfortable and scary.

    My plans for the day are to do exactly what I have been doing these last few days. I will have lunch after my class, and that will be my only meal of the day. I will probably go shopping in the afternoon because I will be out of chicken, and also need some vegetables. I will not be tempted to cheat, and the best way to make sure I stay on track is to ensure that I have the proper stocks to prepare my meals in a timely fashion. I will not be straying from my path. I also need to return a couple of packages to Amazon, which I will try to do this afternoon as well.

    Today is Her Royal Floofness, Princess Sophie’s birthday! I took her for a very nice walk this morning, and she got to see some of her friends. We have treats that are usually reserved for the Sabbath, but she got one of those (and an extra cookie) this morning. She deserves to celebrate. Over the next few weeks there will be a few occasions that she and I will mark, including the day we met, the day I picked her up from her foster family, and the day I finalized her adoption. She has been my faithful friend these last four years, and I do not begrudge her the extra treats to celebrate. She will be getting a few of those this month.

    I am still reeling over a negative evaluation I got from a student from a course a couple of weeks ago. I finally read the full review this morning. It is clear to me that this student felt I was the worst instructor she has ever experienced… and was saying that the rest of the students felt the same way. On the one hand, I know that I am pretty good at what I do. On the other hand, a single really negative evaluation can cause a company to not hire me again. I am hoping that is not the case here, but I am going to make sure as I go forward that I do what I can to improve on some of the criticism she gave. On the other hand, she said that I said something that I know that I would never say to a class. I have no idea what she heard that makes her think that I said it, or if she heard it from another instructor and projected it onto me. Either way, it might be damaging, and I am hoping that it is a one-off and that the organization does not hold it against me. I am still certain they will keep an eye on me though… sort of like probation. It is a stress that I wish I did not have to worry about.

    In any event, it is time for me to get back to my day. I will stay focused and will not let any of this drag me off course. I need to succeed, and I will succeed.

    Have a great day folks!