Losing a part of me

Author: Mitch Garvis

  • Day 485

    On Friday, March 31 (Day 436) I was thrilled to drop below 255 lbs. because that had been my best weight in the year 2005. With a trip to Dallas, falling off my exercise due to an injured foot and whatever else was going on in my head, it would take me two more weeks to drop another 1.4 lbs. to my best weight ever. With the excitement and stress of planning the wedding and then the difficulties I had getting back on track, one month to the day after that wonderful achievement, I stepped onto the scale last Sunday and realized I had gained 13.8 lbs. in a month.

    Three things happened that day.

    The first was that I met with my diet buddy for coffee; for the first time in months, I was not upbeat and optimistic. I was not a beacon of hope, I was not an example of success. I was exuding sadness. My confidence was gone, At the end of the meeting I told her that I needed to get back on track, and I was going to start by going for a jog almost as soon as she left. I told her that on our next check-in I would have positive progress to share and I would have my positive attitude back.

    The second thing that happened is I sent a text to my wife in Texas. We had a bit of a fight that morning, which was probably caused a bit by my down attitude of late, and a bit by the inability to easily convey tone in a text message, thus leading to misunderstandings. A few weeks earlier, she asked me at what point would I want her to ‘crack down’ on my slide. I told her at that time that I was fine, and that as soon as the wedding was behind us, I would fall right back into my weight loss and exercise program. The text that I sent last Sunday read: “Babe, I don’t remember the exact words, but a few weeks ago you asked me when you should start giving me grief about my diet. We are there.’ Later in the afternoon (it was Mother’s Day, and so she was spending the day with my stepson) we talked and agreed that I would wean myself off the bad habits by Wednesday or Thursday at the latest, and she would hold me to it. Like an amazing supporter, she did not set the deadline for me; rather, she asked me to set it. That way, I could not turn around and make excuses like, ‘you set unreasonable expectations for me.’ No, that was all on me.

    The third thing that happened was I did indeed go for a jog. I did not know how much I would have in me, but I was going to do my best… and then I would walk the rest of the way. It did not matter how far or how fast I ran, I just needed to kickstart my exercise routine again.

    These three things from last Sunday (a mere six days ago) worked together to get me back on track… and my body started responding even before Thursday. By the morning I was resuming my full-fast program I had already dropped an incredible 6.4 lbs., which was honestly unexpected considering some of what I ate those days. The real shock would be spread between yesterday and today, which saw a two-day combined loss of a whopping 7.4 lbs., from just two days on my full-fast… and two days of jogging and walking, despite what my Body Battery said.

    Six straight days of weight drops (most of them very significant drops!) totaled an almost unimaginable 13.8 lbs. … and if you read back to the first paragraph of this journal entry, that is the exact amount I had gained during the month of sliding. Yes, this morning I stepped onto the scale and was greeted by the same number as my best weight ever. That means that the next ounce that I lose will be my new record.

    Speaking of jogging, Here are my stats from yesterday. It was not very impressive, but at least I got out there.

    Jogging

    • Distance: 4.03km (6.1km)
    • Duration: 28:26 (42:32)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 7m02s (6m58s)
    • Steps: 4,530 (6,720)
    • Calories burned: 450 (750)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 159 (158)

    Like I said… I did not break any records.

    There are days when I swear that my fitness watch knows me better than I know myself. Then there are days like today, when I cannot understand some of the readings. I woke up this morning, energized that I got six uninterrupted hours of sleep (and then two more hours after a quick visit to the bathroom). I was going to should for joy about the amazing sleep that I got! When I looked at my wrist I could not understand the sleep score of 49/100. Reading deeper, the portal says that ‘You slept long enough, but your body did not recharge very well. As a result, you may tire more easily today. You got a lot of intense exercise yesterday, and it impacted your sleep quality. Try to eat well, get plenty of rest and perform very strenuous activities sparingly.’ Really? Then how come I felt so good this morning? How come I still feel great three hours later? The other one is Body Battery. I really thought I recharged last night, and yet my BB this morning peaked at a mere 43/100. Garmin might know something that I do not, but I am still planning to go out for a jog this afternoon after the rain stop, which is predicted for around 1:00pm. Of course, it is always possible that I will crap out after 2km (which has happened before), but I am going to give it my best either way.

    Since I do not feel like going out in the rain, I will spend the next couple of hours looking at wedding pictures which Leslie and I just received. I am really excited that they are in and will be renaming files to match the content of each. So far, we have 165 pictures. I do not know if there will be more, but that is a good number to look at and rename… not to mention decide which ones to print and which ones to share with others! I decided to order an electronic picture frame so that I can rotate my favourites and have it on the wall. That should arrive tomorrow.

    My original plan for today was to smoke cigars with a couple of buddies, but one of them told me that he is not available this weekend, and the other has not yet responded. I will likely try to call him soon because he is not the type who is tied to his phone but will hear it if it rings. If he is not available then I will simply relax at home this evening. Whatever I end up doing, Two things are certain: I am going to go out to jog, whatever my BB may tell me. I am going to stay on my program, which means no cheats whatsoever. I joked with Leslie yesterday evening that when I got into my car I cheated because there was a single kernel of popcorn on the passenger seat (I ate popcorn at the mall after my trip to the Apple Store). I think we can all agree that a single kernel of popcorn is not really a cheat, but today I have to stay on the program. That means I will have to be mindful, and I will have to plan the timing of my meal replacements properly.

    This morning I prepared the first shake later than I usually would, owing to my failed attempt to get my bloodwork done before eating or drinking anything. Yes, the lab is usually open on Saturday, but they are closed today for the Victoria Day long weekend. That means that I will have to go one morning this week before class. I cannot put it off to next Saturday because my next appointment with my doctor is the following Monday morning, and the results will absolutely not be ready in time. All this to say that I had my first shake this morning was at 9:00am, so I can plan for my next one at 12:30pm (before my jog), then at 5:00pm (after my jog), and the last one before 9:00pm. This plan allows for an even distribution of them.

    I should mention that I am sitting here at my desk at 11:15am, and I am feeling a bit hungry. I am not going to give in to my urges, knowing that if I wait until 12:30 then I will have my meal replacement and I will stay on plan. Before that, I am going to bide my time by going out to hunt for a new water bottle and shoulder strap. I still cannot believe that I left mine on the airplane… or at one of the airports… or in the Uber. Grrr. It does not happen to me often, but once in a while I am careless and I forget something behind, especially when I am not focused.

    My plan for today is to do everything in my power to hit a new record low weight tomorrow morning. I know that the scale giveth, and the scale taketh away. Even if it does not happen tomorrow, if I stay on track and do not cheat then there is no reason that I will not be there in the next couple of days. I love that feeling… and I want to start feeling it every day or two for the next few weeks!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 484

    I did it. I got through my first day back on the full-fast program without faltering. The only ‘cheating’ I did was two cups of Royal Milk Tea… not really cheats, although still 65 calories per cup.. I was hoping for a slight drop in weight this morning when I stepped onto the bathroom scale. I was not expecting the monster drop of 4.6 lbs., which brings me within three pounds of my best weight ever. I know that it will take me a few more days to get there (the first day can be a tremendous drop, followed by less tremendous drops the following days), but I am certainly encouraged to continue doing what I did yesterday.

    Of course, one day does not a pattern make. I have to follow up my success from yesterday by doing just as well today… and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and so on. Fortunately my wonderful wife is holding me accountable. For those who might be wondering, she is not being a nag. I have asked her to support me and to hold me accountable, and to make sure that I am staying true to my plan. This is a very good thing!

    Something that I doubt I will be able to do today that I did yesterday is jog. I am still teaching until 1:15pm, at which point I am going to drive into Scarborough to pick up my meal replacements. That will likely be a three-hour shlep. Assuming I get home by 5:00pm, I might still be able to head out, but it will depend on several factors. One thing that it should not depend on is my making plans to see friends. I am hoping to have a relaxing evening at home, and while the forecast calls for a 30% chance of rain around 9:00pm, I still suspect I will be able to enjoy a cigar on the balcony. After this past week I think I deserve it.

    I did exactly what I was hoping for yesterday. I jogged just over 6km, and then walked the remaining 4.75km to get home. I followed my previous track almost exactly. On my next outing I hope I can increase the jogging to 7km. We’ll see!

    Jogging

    • Distance: 6.1km (5.13km)
    • Duration: 42:32 (35:01)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 6m58s (6m49s)
    • Steps: 6,720 (5,600)
    • Calories burned: 750 (650)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 158 (160)

    I was not breaking any records, but I do not need to… All I need to do is keep getting out there and running. It is the movement that helps me to lose weight, and I am not in a race against anyone for speed or distance; I am only in a race with myself to lose weight and to be the best me that I can be.

    My goal for today is to stay on track and to stay mindful. It would be nice to get that jog in when I get back from Toronto, and then when I have lit the Sabbath candles I would like to sit outside with a cigar and my book. I know Leslie has her son this evening so while she can video-chat after he goes to bed, she will likely not be available before that. I will relax and decompress, and when we can talk I will be much happier.

    Yesterday as I finished my article I realized that it had been a few weeks since I used my previously ubiquitous sign-off. I thought that it might have been either a sign that I was off-track and it was affecting my previously positive mindset, or if that sign-off is just something I do as I am losing weight, and while I was not, I didn’t think to do it. Either way…

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 483

    Today is the first day of the rest of my weight loss journey. A few days ago, I made a promise to myself (and to my wife) that I would, starting today, resume my program with gusto and intent. Over the last few days I have been a little more cavalier with my eating, knowing that this resumption was coming. I did not really eat anything bad, but I was certainly not on my strict or even my true modified program. That all ends today. I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of purpose, with a plan to follow the full-fast program. I took stock of my meal replacements, and if I stick to the program completely then I have 9.5 days’ worth. I will drive into Scarborough tomorrow to pick up another case, which is enough for four more weeks. I have to do it tomorrow because next week I am teaching all day every day, and they are not open on weekends.

    While I have certainly not been true to my program since returning from Dallas, I will consider it at least a minor victory that everything that I have eaten, I have cooked myself. There was one exception to that, which was at the herf I went to last Friday (they had chicken wings, and I ate six of them). I have not eaten at a restaurant even once; I have not ordered food, and I have not even bought any food from the prepared food counters at the supermarket. I have said before that however difficult it may be to eat well at home, it is exponentially more difficult to do when eating out. Do not get me wrong – I still bought mini-crisps and even Goldfish crackers a couple of times… but other than those, almost everything that I have eaten has still been relatively acceptable… on my modified program, if not on my full-fast program.

    I was shocked once again this morning when I stepped onto the bathroom scale to a major drop in weight. While I am still above the 260 lbs. mark, I am also less than 7.5 lbs. heavier than my best weight ever (from April 14 – Day 450). It is as if my body, despite eating more than usual and even eating late yesterday, wants to encourage me to get back on track and not lose faith that I can do it. I do not know if I would have been demotivated had I gained weight this morning, but the numbers on the scale this morning did give me a spring in my step, and hopefully energized me to make it through the next few days, which are always going to be difficult. After all, going from eating normal food back to only 900-calories of meal replacements in a day is never going to be easy, either physically or emotionally.

    This morning had another surprise for me. During my usual morning ritual I had a very fine bowel movement… nothing new there. A couple of hours later, before I started teaching (as I was writing this journal entry) I took a break, and had another very good BM. Two in a morning is rare, and it felt good. I suspect that as I drop the solid foods for the next few weeks, even the one per day will not be guaranteed. Maybe this was another way for my body to help me to make that break – ridding my body of those solid foods in anticipation of not needing them.

    I am teaching until 1:00pm today, and then again from 5:30 until 9:00pm. My plan is to have a shake directly after my morning class, and then go for a jog. The weather forecast calls for a beautiful afternoon – partly cloudy with temperatures steady around 13°-14°. I will plan a course of about 10km, similar to my distance Sunday. On that outing I jogged 5km and then walked the rest of the way. Today I will try to increase my jogging distance to at least 7km, and more if I am feeling it. I just want to keep improving.

    My goal for the day is to stay mindful. Today is my first day back on the program, and I have to make sure that it stays that way. It is all too easy to eat something, which means that tomorrow would be my first day back on the program. “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time, and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.” Quoting MacBeth can be morbid, but she long and the short of it is that I cannot live for tomorrow and hope to do better tomorrow. I have to life today and succeed today. It is too easy to put things off until tomorrow… that is often the best road to mediocrity and failure. I do not want to fail! I want to continue to lose weight and eventually be the lithe slim fellow that I have not seen in the mirror for more than twenty-five years!

    Something else that I need to remember to focus on today is my water intake. I have to drink a lot of water to stay hydrated and to continue to flush the garbage from my system. The simple math is that the more one drinks, the more one loses weight… as long as they are not eating crap.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 482

    My weight did not drop significantly this morning, but as I have said so many times: down is better than up. My session with my therapist yesterday was disappointing. I am not sure if she is helping me at this point, but I will give some thought before I make any decisions about how to proceed. I know she was a tremendous help with my diagnosis of ADHD, and I will never say that my time with her was a waste. I only wonder if she can continue to help me with what I need, which is more to do with habits and addictions.

    Over the next couple of weeks, my living in Canada but teaching remotely for US companies will bite my schedule. It will not be the fist time. In Canada, Monday is Victoria Day, and this weekend is what we call the May two-four weekend… partly because Victoria Day is traditionally May 24th, and partly because Canadian slang for a case of beer is a two-four. Either way, Monday will be a holiday. I will be working, which does not really bother me. The following Monday is Memorial Day in the USA, which means they will be off, because most of my classes are five days, and they do not schedule them on shortened weeks. Oh well… maybe I will take that opportunity to drive to Montreal for my long weekend. We’ll see.

    I am hoping that I can stick to the plan. Over the weekend when I spoke with Leslie, I told her that I needed to get back on the program, and I needed a couple of days to work into it. The deadline we set was Wednesday or Thursday, but in my head it is today (Wednesday). I have enough food for my meal today, but that is it. Tomorrow I am going cold turkey. I am going to go back onto the full-fast program and am going to push myself to start making positive progress again. I am hoping that if I can do it for one more month then I will be done with it… but I am not making any decisions. My previous plan of being done by mid-June was affected by the stress of my wedding and my backward slide, but I can and will get back on track. I am not going to lose this time.

    There were two positive things that came out of my session with the therapist yesterday. One of them was that if I set unrealistic goals for my exercise then it will be unsustainable. To wit: If my goal is to exercise seven days per week, and there is a day that I cannot make it, then I will consider myself a failure for not meeting my goal. We all know there are seven days in a week, and a missed day cannot be made up. If, on the other hand, I were to set a goal to exercise four or even five days, if I have to miss a day for any reason then that day can still be made up. While I never really had a set number of days per week that I wanted to exercise, I was trying to get out most days. I will give this some thought and see if it helps.

    My plan for today is to not do anything excessive. I will not be able to jog because after my morning class I have an appointment at the Apple Store (the Temple of the Cult of Spend as Much as We Can) to get my iPad fixed. I seldom pay for extended warranties, but this time it paid off. I think I have a cracked screen.

    My evening class is about to start. At the evening break I will have a shake, which will be the first one I have had in the evening for a couple of weeks. I am trying to get back on track… starting now!

  • Day 481

    I am not back on track… but I am going in the right direction. Yesterday was always going to be a hectic day, and I knew that jogging would not be in the cards. Nonetheless, I was able to accomplish everything that I intended to, which is more than I can say for some days. I still ate, but I do not feel that I overindulged as I have some of the last few days. I did, however, find myself quite hungry after coming in from my cigar in the evening, and I decided to break my rule about evening snacking. I opened a bag of mini crisps and did something I have not had any success in doing recently: I took six chips and then put the bag away. While it is conceivable that I stopped at six because I was calling Leslie back, the first thought that came to mind was that if I only had enough to kerb my hunger and no more then I might not be disappointed when I stepped onto the bathroom scale the next morning. Indeed, a 2.4 lbs. drop from yesterday was a welcome relief. The fact that I am now ten pounds heavier than my best weight ever is balanced by the fact that I am down 3.6 lbs. in the last two days, and even though I am still above the 260 lbs. mark, I am heading in the right direction. I have started to take the steps necessary to quash the last month of slipping and sliding.

    I really enjoyed the first session of my cigar sommelier course last night… once it got started. The original time was supposed to be 5pm, and there was a lot of confusion around… something. Fortunately, all is well that ends well, and we had a great session with the master. There are students from all over the world, and I was relieved that I was not the only one whose Spanish is not very good. The translator did a decent job, and I look forward to continuing with it.

    My plan for today is to teach until 1pm, then have lunch. I am hoping that after lunch I will be able to go for a jog, and then get home in time for my 4:30 phone session with my therapist. I need to discuss the rollercoaster I have been on lately, and hopefully I can get some pointers to stay on track. My wife and my diet buddy are great supports, but right now it is all hands on deck. I need to make sure that this last month is a blip, and not ‘where it all goes wrong.’ I am teaching in the evening, and I am always excited to start a new class. It ends at 9:00pm, which will give me just enough time to have a cigar date with my wife… as long as the weather on both sides holds up!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 480

    I am not yet back on track… but I will be. I had a good chat with my diet buddy in the morning, after which I sent Leslie a message that I never imagined I would send. She asked me several weeks ago at what point should she step in to bug me about my weight loss program if she noticed I was slipping. I told her yesterday that we were there. In the evening we had a frank chat about my plans to get back on track, and we agreed that by Thursday this week if I am not back on the program 100% then she is going to beat me. Of course, that is a figurative statement – there will be no physical violence. She is going to stay on my case and not relent. I am not looking forward to that, but I had been doing so well and I need for this last month and current crisis to be a hiccough on my way to ultimate success, and not the beginning of a slippery slope.

    When Julie (my diet buddy) asked me what I was going to do to get back on track, I told her that my first order of business was to get back to jogging. Almost as soon as she left yesterday I put my running kit on and went for a run. The fact that my Body Battery did not exceed 34/100 yesterday was no matter, and if I was only able to jog 1km and then had to walk the rest of the way then that was what I would do. I honestly believe that my jogging is a huge contributing factor to my weight loss success, not only because of the exercise but also because it motivates me to not cheat on my program. I did not slow down at 1km… in fact, my 5km jog was my fastest yet!

    Jogging

    • Distance: 5.13km (5.10km)
    • Duration: 35:01 (36:01)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 6m49s (7m03s)
    • Steps: 5,600 (5,800)
    • Calories burned: 650 (600)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 160 (159)

    I believe yesterday’s was my first 5km jog where every kilometre was under 7m, and I loved it. Of course, with my Body Battery where it was (I did not look at my fitness watch, but I knew I felt drained) I could not keep it up, and so I decided to pull up at 5km and walk the rest of the circuit. My pace for the walk was also quite good (9m34s per kilometre, 6.5km). By the time I got home, I was truly knackered. I showered and then went to Eduardo’s for a cigar. I ate dinner when I came home, and finally got a pretty good night of sleep (I was in bed by 8:30pm and turned off the lights at 10:00pm). It took me a while to fall asleep, but I finally got just under 8 hours of sleep. I woke up refreshed and ready to hit the day… which will be a busy one indeed.

    This evening is the first class of my cigar sommelier class. I am really excited to be invited and to be taking part in it. The only issue is that I have to track down all of the cigars and bottles of booze that I will need for the twelve-week program. I created a spreadsheet and have some of the cigars I will need (about half of them), and a few of the bottles. Rather than buying all of the bottles, when I can I am borrowing a bottle from a friend. For example, Eduardo has a bottle of the rum that I need for this evening’s class. Rather than spending the $75 to buy it, I borrowed his bottle and will return it a couple of ounces lighter. Of course, that is not going to be possible for all of them, but where I can, I will buy the smallest (or even airplane-size) bottles. For the rest? I always knew that cigar smoking was not an inexpensive hobby, and I will do what I have to. I only wish the timing were a little better – I spent a small fortune on the wedding last month.

    Before the class I have a certification exam that I will sit, followed by lunch. If, following those, I have time for a jog before class then I will do that, but I suspect that will wait until tomorrow, at which point I hope my body will have recovered a little more from the jog.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 479

    I started to write yesterday and I got distracted. For the first time in 252 days I did not post.

    Getting back on track is not easy. I keep trying to dig my feet into the groove, and I keep slipping. These last few days were terrible, and I do not know how to get back on track. My diet buddy is coming over this morning and I hope that she can help. Nothing else is.

  • Day 478

    This is a test.

  • Day 477

    I must have been distracted this morning because for the first time in memory I did not step onto the bathroom scale before getting dressed. Moreover, I did not even realize it until I had come in from walking Her Royal Floofness and was making my coffee. It is not the worst thing in the world of course, I will just have to remember to do it tomorrow.

    I ended up having a second meal last night. I made another salmon salad and felt terrible about it. I am going to have to start working on not feeling guilty about food. There has to be a fine line between awareness and mindfulness… and constant guilt. That is something I will speak to my therapist about… that meeting is next week.

    Tomorrow is the day I get back on track with exercising. I have to. In the meantime, after class I will go shopping to pick up something to eat. I will pick something small and plan to not overeat.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 476

    I walked into the doctor’s office yesterday knowing that I have gained weight. I was hoping that I would not have gained too much, and when I saw that I was 3.3kg heavier than I was a month ago I started making excuses to myself. 3.3kg (about 7.3 lbs.) is a lot of weight, but I usually get weighed in the morning… things like that. Well, last night I lay in bed thinking about it, and realized that give or take a pound, the numbers on my bathroom scale matched up with that… in the morning. What I should have been coming to terms with was not the discrepancies, but the trend, the stresses, and getting back to my normal life, normal routine, and losing the weight once again.

    With all that, I did not expect the numbers on the scale to be down significantly again today. After all, I ate (more than I should have), I snacked a bit, and I did not exercise. I also did not have a successful bowel movement (I have only had one in the past four days). When I stepped onto the bathroom scale (yes, it is still in my bedroom) I was fully expecting to be slightly up… not three pounds down. Yes, you read that right. I was truly surprised, and not unpleasantly so.

    I realize these last few weeks I have not been nearly so verbose as I usually am. I am sure that some of my readers will appreciate that. With that said, I am still writing every day. When I pressed the publish button on my article yesterday I received a notification that I am now on a 250-day streak. There have been a few days in there these last couple of weeks – especially around the wedding day – when I only posted a sentence or two, but that is enough for the WordPress platform. I hope that as I get back on track that I will be able to start sharing positive feelings and experiences again.

    As I sit at my desk preparing to welcome my students, I have already planned my meal (which I will prepare and enjoy right after class, which should have my meal done by 2:15pm). I thought for a minute about going to the store to pick up more chicken and lettuce. Instead I will open a can to make a salmon salad with onions and non-fat mayonnaise, and I will likely make a cucumber salad with the rest of that vegetable (and the rest of my onion). By not going to the store I avoid the temptations of buying… well, just about anything that could pull me in the wrong direction.

    I might go to Taekwondo this evening, depending on how I am feeling. On the one hand, the activity always makes me feel great. On the other, I have to be the senior belt in the room unless Master Sasha is in… and even if he is, I am still at least fifteen years older than he is, so seen as a senior… despite trying to not teach or guide the kids, sometimes it is hard to not do so. The last couple of days I have not felt up to that at all, and I might just stay on the balcony to have a blessed virtual date night with my wife.

    I am not going back on the full program today, but if I can contain my eating to what I said before – the canned salmon and the cucumber salad – then I should be able to get by without gaining tomorrow morning.

    Have a great day!