Losing a part of me

Category: Anxiety

  • Weight Loss Platitudes

    In one of my support groups on Facebook, someone was sharing her fears about being around all of the temptations that will be in her house for the Super Bowl. Several of us gave her practical advice, and she will either follow it or not, but I am sure we all hope she will succeed.

    One person posted: Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

    I want to be clear that I feel that this statement is absolutely true, and that looking back on the 390 days of my depriving myself of all of the foods that I love, when I look at myself in pictures (not yet in the mirror) I really feel good about myself, and the only thing I would change is that I would have cheated less so that I could be further along my journey than I am. Skinny feels great! (At least, skinnier does… I have not felt skinny since I was in the Army.)

    With that said, the original poster was sharing her fears and feelings about a real challenge, and not about a generalization. I wonder how helpful this very clever platitude will be when she comes face to face with pizza, wings, chips, beer, and sodas all over her house, and there for the taking.

    There are so many of these platitudes out there and they are all true. I just wonder how helpful any of them actually are. Yes, we all know that weight loss is a marathon and not a sprint; we know that losing weight is hard and being fat is hard, so choose your hard. We have been told a thousand times to not eat our emotions, and that fat loss is a mental challenge rather than a physical one. Of course, we know that our desire to change must be greater than our desire to stay the same, and that we have to change our habits in order to change our bodies… and that if we have discipline, drive, and determination, then nothing is impossible. We are aware that we did not gain all of the weight in a day, so we should not expect to lose it in a day.

    All of those statements are inspirational, and I think there is a place for each and every one of them. Weight loss is a mental challenge, and it is an emotional one. We cannot expect to help people with strictly practical advice, especially when they are feeling down or despondent or weak. We have to inspire their emotions and their mentality so that they can either stay on track, or too often get back on it.

    We all respond differently to different situations. When I started the program the second time, my doctor was an Army veteran, so when I told him that I did not want him to blow smoke up my six, he understood that I needed the regimented discipline from him that he would have given his soldiers. He understood that I would not respond to the inspirational platitudes that so many of his patients needed to get ahead. Today I may feel a little different than I did then, but more often than not, I prefer concrete advice than inspirational quotes.

    My wife has the unenviable task of trying to read my emotions and seeing if it is one of those rare times when I need the platitudes… or if she needs to be firm with me. Last night we were talking about ice cream (she loves a particular flavour that is only available in Canada) and I told her that I would have some in the house for her next visit… and that I might even have some in the freezer now. She told me that if I had gone out and bought ice cream that she would kick my butt… ice cream is one of my kryptonites, and she knows that having it in the house is a bad idea for me. If there was a pint in the freezer today, it would not be there by the time she comes next. More likely than not it would not still be there by Tuesday.

    At the same time, there have been several days when I have been down about my lack of progress this last week. She has been supportive in reminding me how well I have been doing, how far I have come, and how weight loss is about the downward trend, and not the individual plots on the graph.

    Leslie has learned (though a lot of difficult times) that there are times when I need her to be harsh with me, and there are times when I need her soft reassurances that I am doing well. I doubt that any dieter is all that different. So, when one of them comes out and says, ‘Oh my, I am disappointed that I have not lost weight this week!’ it is important to tell them that they are doing great, and to keep doing what they are doing, and the weight will come off. On the other hand, when someone says something like ‘This is what I have facing me today, and I am worried about how I am going to deal with it…’ then it is probably time for practical advice.

    I have often said that weight loss is simple, but it is not easy. Putting aside for a moment that this too is a platitude, I am not really sure how true it really is. Yes, if you consume less foods (and even less of the wrong ones), and if you exercise, you will lose weight. However, that only addresses the physical… and if you are in prison or the military, it might be true because you are given the food that should help you to lose weight. It does not take into account all of the mental and emotional stress and anguish that we go through when we make the choices that face us every day. Here is what you need to eat in order to lose two pounds per week. Great. That does not cover the anguish and anxiety, and it does not necessarily stay at the front of mind when we are on the go during our busy week.

    There is a place and time for platitudes… they truly can be inspirational. There is also a place and a time for practical advice. Knowing which is which is also not always easy.

  • Day 371

    The numbers on the bathroom scale were all over the place this morning. I don’t mean up a pound, down a pound… I mean it gave me readings of 249 and lower. I was worried I might have gotten out of bed missing a leg without noticing… until the screen flashed Lo indicating the batteries were dying. I replaced them, and got a couple of different readings once it settled down; both were lower than yesterday’s readings… but not by 40-150 lbs. While one of those readings was actually 290.0 lbs. – the number I was hoping to meet or surpass by this morning to go visit Leslie – I selected the more reasonable and likely the more accurate one. Down .6 lb. from yesterday. Steady as she goes.

    Seldom do I wake up at 6:15am and cannot get back to sleep because of nerves and anticipation and excitement… but here we are. It is 7:55am, and I am sitting at my desk writing. I am showered, shaven, dressed (I changed my shirt three times before settling on the casual Polo button-down with the blue checkered pattern). Princess Sophie and I took our walk, I made my coffee and meal replacement, and here I am… waiting for the Uber to bring me to the airport. My bags are packed, and there is nothing… left… to… do. At 9:00am I will take Her Floofness over to the neighbour’s (The Dog Whisperer, as we call her) to spend the week, but that’s really all I have until the car comes. My passport wallet (which holds all of my American credit cards as well) is in my pocket, my boarding pass is on my phone, all of the papers that I need are in my carry-on… as is my laptop. Anxious, nervous, anticipation… and excitement. Counting down the hours until the car, then the line for Security, then US Immigration, then waiting for the airplane… then boarding, taking off, and if all goes well, in around 8.5 hours I will be with Leslie.

    While I am really happy that the numbers on the bathroom scale were down this morning, I honestly have very little on my mind that is not directly related to seeing Leslie. It has been way too long, and we have way too many things to talk about… but just to hold her in my arms. It is a good thing I do not have to teach today… I don’t know that I could focus on anything. Go to the airport. Get through Security and US Immigration. Wait for Airplane. Board Airplane. Wait. Disembark Airplane. Walk to Baggage Carousel. SEE WIFE. HUG WIFE. Try not to cry.

    I try to share my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and insight with regard to my weight loss journey in this diary, but really… this morning I got nothing. If it was not for the batteries in the scale, I might not even have written anything today. I probably would have left a quick note on the blog so as to not ruin the 145-day steak, but I have nothing to say about the weight loss program.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 360 (fixed)

    I am hitting a lot of milestones of late. Today is the 360th day in a row that I am writing in my journal; because I missed a day (I forgot to press publish), today will be the 134th day in a row that I publish an article on my weight loss blog. While the blog does not track the number of words, every word that has been published on the blog is also in a Microsoft Word document; earlier in the week, that document surpassed 300,000 words (in 457 pages, but that can be deceiving, accounting for typeface and size). On Thursday, the blog welcomed its 150th subscriber. While I do not always know if anyone is reading, and I am really writing for myself to keep track of my thoughts, it is sometimes nice to know that someone is. Thursday morning my weight dropped below 300 lbs., a milestone that had for two months been so close, but just out of my grasp. Hopefully, in the next few days I will reach that next magic milestone… one hundred pounds lost.

    It is so important when working on losing a lot of weight to set milestones and celebrate them. That is why I spend so much time focusing on them. Yes, I have reached a lot of them over the past year. I also know that I could have done so much better… I have cheated a lot, I have strayed from the program, I have… well, simply put, I have not done as well as I could. On the other hand, I also know that weight loss – especially the kind of weight loss that is so extreme – will have those ups and downs. Twice now I have lost tremendous amounts of weight and then gained it all back. I wanted to do it slower this time with the hopes that I would be able to sustain when it is all over. The jury is still out… in the meantime, I am working on it… and will be for a very long time, I am sure.

    My class finished yesterday when it was supposed to, and I shmizzeled around a bit before heading out to visit with Eduardo. Sam was there for the first hour, and I was glad that Eduardo had the sense to not say anything about my issues until he left. I thought it would feel better to be able to talk about it. I was wrong. We had a couple of cigars, and I gave him what I hope is helpful advice for when his wife is back in the country… which is tonight around midnight. I really do pray for his happiness. I was extremely pleased that I got through the evening without eating anything… or drinking. Both were on offer, and I politely declined… the first time. The second time he offered I was slightly less polite. I spent a lot of time visiting with him when I went through the program the first time, so he knows what I am going through. He also knows that the first few days of the program are emotionally difficult. He also knows the emotional shit that I am dealing with. Once I told him firmly then he stopped trying.

    It was cold last night, and it is cold today. When I took the Princess out for her walk, the mercury was sitting at -9°… I did not check the wind chill, but it was a blustery walk, if blessedly short. I am going to the pub to meet my friend, and I was thinking about walking (it is less than a kilometre away). I am now on the fence about that. We’ll see. I also have to be very strict to only order coffee… I cannot be tempted to veer from the program, no matter what else is going on in my life. I have made it through three days of the strict program… I do not want to be tempted to fall off of it.

    I have been doing very well with my water intake. Maybe the third time I went to the bathroom at his place, Eduardo asked why I was peeing so much. I told him that I was working on my fourth (or fifth) litre of water on the day, and no there is nothing wrong with my bladder. I know that doctors say that you should drink a lot of water, and that it helps with weight loss. I suspect that not having eaten anything solid for three days, the water is flushing my system.

    Because I am going to meet my friend for lunch – a friend whom I have not seen in at least five years (and probably longer) – I will wear a shirt, but I do not think I am going to wear a tie. I am just going to try to look decent… and try to stay warm. Yes, I will need to bundle up, even if I decide to drive. Even walking to the car last night was bitterly cold!

    I wanted to write a few words about the meal replacements, and the fact that despite my initial concerns, I only had four shakes each day, which means that I got by on fewer than 700 calories each day. It also means that my bigger concern – of not being able to get through the day on only four shakes when I switch over to the Canadian program – is likely unfounded. My bogger concern now is that when I am not teaching during the day – which is to say not busy all day – I will have trouble sustaining that. I am hoping that I will be able to, but today is the first day that I am not working, so it will be the first test. Also, I know that because I am busy with friends much of the day (and Sunday), it will not be as hard. Monday I am driving to Toronto to get the shakes. Tuesday will be the first real test; hopefully by then I will be settled on the program’s routine. We’ll see.

    If I keep losing weight at this rate, it is not impossible that when I get onto the doctor’s scale on Wednesday I will be as much as 5kg down from my last visit. That would be amazing! It would mean an eleven-pound drop over the two-week period… how great would that be? If I make it through the week without veering from the program, a ten-pound drop would not be completely unheard of. I think that any time I think of cheating over the next few days I will remember that and use that as my incentive and inspiration to stay true to the program. Every once in a while, I like when Nurse Mel is really impressed with my progress. She has seen me lose 4kg in a month… that was a really impressive, one time only drop, and I think it was after a four-week absence. 5kg or even more in a fortnight would blow her mind! Frankly, it would blow mine too.

    This morning my weight was down .4 lbs. from yesterday, which was disappointing because my thinking was that if it slowed to that pace, I would not reach my next milestone. I had not yet had my morning coffee, and I was interposing in my mind the hopes to lose 5kg to impress Nurse Mel with the actual milestone, which is the 100-pounds lost in a year. Wednesday will be Day 365, which means that while that is the day of my official weigh-in, I have until Thursday morning to reach that milestone if I am going to do it within that time frame. It would be nice to reach it with a day or two to spare, but I will not be picky. In fact, that goal is only 1.6 lbs. away. If my day-by-day weight loss continues at the pace of yesterday to today, then in four days I will reach that goal… Wednesday morning indeed. I am crossing my fingers, but I am also redoubling my resolve to stick to the plan. Hope is not a strategy… and in the Army we prayed to G-d but we relied on our training.

    Because of my ridiculous schedule this part Thursday, Julie (my diet buddy) and I postponed our weekly session. She was in the area this morning, so rather than having our check-in via video call, she came over for a cup of coffee. We spent nearly two hours talking. First, I spoke, pouring my thoughts and heart and soul and accomplishments and plans to her, then it was her turn. Honestly, we could have gone on for three more hours, except for our personal obligations and responsibilities. I am so proud of her though… despite having once had a terrible experience with it, this morning she tried a yoga class. As many of us are, she was embarrassed that she was the heaviest person in the class… and the least experienced with yoga. Her instructor did an amazing job of ensuring she had a positive experience, and she is thinking about going back. Yoga is not an easy activity for anyone but is likely more difficult for someone who is obese and who has body image issues. The fact that she did it is a victory. That she is thinking of going back on a regular basis is truly amazing. Go Julie!

    Okay, it is time for me to head off to the pub. I started this journal entry this morning (well, I actually put some of my thoughts down last night) but took a break to sit with Julie… and to write a 2,300-word article on a cyber incident from this week. While those are both distractions, I do not think they are caused by my ADHD. The fact that I am going to ask a friend to proof-read my article before publishing it is a sign that my impetuousness, which might be a symptom of my ADHD, might be tempered by the meds. I really do think that I have seen real results from the meds, but that might just be optimism.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 358

    It is not often that I get out of bed in the middle of the night and come to the computer to write. I have not fallen asleep yet, so while it is now tomorrow, I feel like it is yesterday because I have not slept. As expected, I had a very uncomfortable conversation yesterday evening, and I cannot get it out of my mind… nor the repercussions, and things that I will have to do to finish that off. It is too painful to sleep, and I wish I was not on a diet so I could crawl into a bottle of scotch and drown myself in my sorrows. I do not really have that option though, do I? It is the middle of the night, and I have to be bright and alert to teach tomorrow… and what a long day it will be; I am scheduled to log on to my daytime class at 9:00am, and I will sign off of my evening class shortly before 10:00pm. I will have three 15–20-minute breaks during the stretch but my lunchtime, usually reserved to sit, relax, and eat, will be taken by an appointment with my therapist. While it will be a very long day indeed, I can think of no day more in need of a conversation with a therapist.

    The only thing I am looking forward to tomorrow (today?) is stepping onto the bathroom scale. After my first full day on the strict program, I expect I might be down a pound. Yesterday morning (or today?) I weighed 310 lbs… which means that in the next day or two I will finally break through that elusive 300-pound mark and into what I once dubbed two-town. I do not know how my stress and inability to sleep will affect the numbers on the bathroom scale; while I am hopeful for progress, I am not expecting anything. The stress of the day might affect my body in unpredictable ways. I might be five pounds down or five pounds up for all I know. There is no way to predict it. I am just going to have to wait and see.

    While yesterday was supposed to be my first day on the strict program, I actually did not conform completely. I was meant to have five meal replacement shakes for a total of 800 calories. In fact, I only had four, totaling 640 calories. Add to that my three cups of coffee, including almond milk and raw sugar, and I did not even come close to seven hundred calories on the day. Yes, I have been hungry for the last couple of hours… but I do not want to eat after 9:00pm. I did drink a lot of water during the day as well, which is prescribed on the program. I really should keep better track of my water intake, but it was probably at least two large Blender Bottles – probably between 1.5 and 2 litres. I will try to keep that up for the next few days and will endeavour to keep better track of it.

    Okay, I am going to go back to bed and try once more to sleep. I will eat another melatonin gummy in the hopes that sleep will not continue to elude me. One can always hope, right?

    —

    It is perhaps a bitter irony that on the morning after I got the terrible (but expected) news, after the restless and mostly sleepless night that followed that news, I stepped onto the bathroom scale and I saw the number that has been just out of reach for two months. My weight this morning has dropped below 300-pounds for the first time since I started my diet just under one year ago. I wish I could share the celebration with Leslie. Unfortunately, that is not in the cards. I am at a loss for words on that subject.

    Yes, today is the first day of my residency in Two-Town. I was going to say that I hope that I am now a permanent resident, but I remembered that hope is not a strategy. I am going to have to work hard to stay here, and to become more deeply ensconced in it. While the Jeffersons moved on up, my goal now that I am here is to move downtown… I am at the very top of the Two-Town neighbourhood; by spring I hope to be in the 260s, and by the end of autumn I would love to be around 210. Is that possible? I do not know. These are goals; whether I will achieve them in that timeline I cannot say, but I am going to work on it. To quote Paul Simon’s Crazy Love: “Well this will eat up a year of my life… and then there’s all that weight to be lost”

    When life gives you shit, it is important to try to find at least some positive. You can see shit as smelly waste that leaves a bad stench, or you can see it as fertilizer that eventually give you roses.

    • Let’s start with the fact that I was able to stick to the full, unmodified program yesterday. I was truly concerned that I would not be able to. Whether that will be sustainable for a couple of months or even a week or two is still unknown… but I will do my best to stick with it for as long as I can. More on that in a few minutes.
    • As I mentioned in an earlier article, I have decided to wear a shirt and tie (often with a jacket) when I am on camera from now on. The first three days of this week I wore shirts that I had custom-tailored for me when I weighed sixty pounds more than I do and had altered to fit me again about forty pounds ago. Today I put on a shirt that I had tailored when I weighed thirty pounds less than I do today, in 2017. It fits perfectly… even over an undershirt. In honour of that, I am also wearing the tighter sports jacket that I had made at the same time.

    …yeah, that’s about it. I cannot think of any other positives this morning. I am glad that when I start telling them I will have the full support of all of my friends… but I am not ready to start telling people yet. I will start with my therapist, with whom I have my first regular appointment today during my lunch hour (which, with the consent of my students, I pushed by 30 minutes to accommodate). Two of my friends knew (not suspected) that it might be coming. Everyone else? I do not feel the need to advertise my pain.

    I want to get back to the meal replacement program. I mentioned that yesterday was my first day on the strict program, and that I have enough product to make it through next week when I will have the time to drive into Scarborough (with the current traffic it would be a one-hour drive each way). This is a combination of the American and Canadian products, which are different in a number of ways. I have done the math, and I have enough American shakes to get through the third meal replacement Sunday. If I replace two of the shakes with soups (also American product), then I make it through Sunday night. I will have a couple of soups left over, but that’s neither here nor there. Monday morning, I will start on the Canadian product, which changes the program in two significant ways. The advantage of the Canadian program is that it gives you an extra 100 calories, which is that much more energy consumed. From experience, I know that I have been able to survive and even thrive on the Canadian program. The advantage of the American program is that while it is fewer calories, you eat more often throughout the day – five meal replacements instead of four. Eating less, but more often throughout the day, has real psychological advantages, and even with fewer calories, I know I was able to survive and thrive on this program too, and eating less but more often is a good solution to the boredom-eating that I am prone to. Starting with a few days on the American program and then changing to the Canadian one after a few days will give me those few days to get used to only eating meal replacements… five of them for five days, before transitioning down to four of them on Monday.

    My goal most days is to stay on track, or right the course, or to not cheat. Today is a much harder day, and my goals are:

    • Make it through the day without falling apart.
    • Do not fall off the program – consume my five meal replacements, and nothing else.
    • Figure out how to be completely professional all morning, then open up to my therapist at lunch, and then immediately transition back to being professional right after lunch.
    • Stay awake! I am working on a total of three hours of fitful sleep, and I have a twelve-hour day ahead of me. While I seldom do this, I expect that I will be preparing a second pot of coffee today.
    • Try to get a good night’s sleep tonight. However tired I might have been, sleep eluded me last night, and I will pay for it today. I might need the coffee to stay awake today, but however tired I might be, I will need to cut myself off around mid-afternoon so that the only thing impeding my sleep is my brain, and not the chemicals.

    Will I succeed? I have to… my career depends on it. No matter what is going on in my personal life, I have a reputation of being a top-notch technical trainer; I have learned the hard way a couple of times that a minor slip can have devastating consequences… and this cat is on his seventh if not eighth life in some things. No matter how sad and depressed I might get, I have to put on a brave face for the students… and for the training centre. I can fall apart on the weekend… as long as I schedule it in advance.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 356

    Today’s article is almost complete, but it has been a VERY busy day! I will post the real article this evening, but in case I do not, I do not want to lose my streak!

    Okay, here we go:

    Yesterday went pretty much as I expected it would yesterday. I taught all day, and the class went well. There are some technical issues that the training centre will deal with, but my teaching is on point, my presentation is good, and the students (all four of them) are engaged. All in all, I am happy with the week. I made lunch exactly as I had planned to, and it was very tasty! Today will be my last solid food for a few days… I do not know how long that will be, but I want to break out of this damned plateau, and at this point, a complete shift is what I need. I have one piece of chicken left in the fridge. After lunch today, I will cut out all solid foods for a few days… maybe a week, maybe a month. Who knows.

    Knowing that my day today is a going to be a very long day without a break (I am teaching from 10:00am to 9:30pm), I went to the pharmacy and the supermarket last night. I picked up my refilled prescription with the new dosage, and then went to pick up a salad. Yes, for the first time in memory I did not buy vegetables to make my own salad, rather I bought a pre-packaged salad. My logic was that it is hard to buy just enough lettuce and tomato for a single salad… and seeing as this would be my last day of solid foods, buying a pre-packaged Asian salad was not a terrible option. I was surprised by the cost when I got to the register, but I did pick the one with the fewest calories (it was the first one that I picked up, but I checked them all) so I am not upset with it. At the morning break I will prepare the last piece of chicken, and at 12:35pm I will turn the air fryer on. I will have my chicken and salad, and then I will be done with food for a while.

    I checked my stock, and I have enough of the meal replacement shakes (the original ones from the program, not counting the third-party ones that I have) for six days. That is actually four days of the American shakes and then two days of the Canadian ones. Tomorrow I will finish with my food (and have two meal replacements), and then I should be good until I can drive out to Scarborough on Monday to pick up the new stock. I suppose that will give me the time to prove to myself that I can stay true to the program again… even for a week or two.

    Please remember before you read this next thought process that while I have usually been awake over an hour when I do, I have not had my coffee when I take Princess Sophie out for her walk in the morning. As we were walking down the street, I could not remember what day it was today. I mean, I knew it was Tuesday… I just could not remember if today was my first day on the full program (rather than my modified program), or if I had one day left with a meal. I had a moment of panic, wondering if today was the day that I had to prove to myself that I can actually make it through a day without solid foods. It was only after a couple of minutes that I realized that no, today is not Day 1… rather, it is that in-between transition day, with the salad from the supermarket and a single piece of chicken (rather than two). Okay, I can make it through today.

    Honestly, I have given a lot of thought to the idea of simply cutting the size of my meal down – have a single piece of chicken rather than two. After however long I spend on the intensive program, I will probably do that. Even when I am past this plateau, I want to continue to lose as much weight as I can comfortably lose. If I do not feel deprived eating a single piece of chicken and a salad rather than two, then that is what I am going to do. Today will be a test of that… although despite however well I do on it, tomorrow I begin the intensive meal-replacements-only phase of the program. Again, I do not know how long I will stay with that, but I am hoping for at least a week… and at least until I have shed the remaining pounds to hit both fast-approaching milestones… the 300-pound mark and the 100-pounds-lost mark.

    It is almost as if my body is telling me that it does not want to transition off foods completely. This morning the bathroom scale was once again kind to me, with a drop of nearly one pound. That takes me firmly into best-weight-yet territory! I can imagine my body recoiling in fear, saying ‘No! Do not modify the program! See? It really is working! That plateau? It was just caused by your head, not by me the body!’ While I was thrilled to see that number (and to be within 1.5 lbs. of that next huge milestone), I am not aborting or changing my plans for the next week or two. The intense program starts tomorrow, and the only thing that I will do different from the first time I did the program is that I will be drinking coffee. I am not ready to give that up just yet.

    I have decided to make a wardrobe change this week. Seeing as my tailored shirts and jackets now fit, I have started wearing a shirt and tie (and often a sports jacket) to teach. Yesterday was my first time, and it feels good. I truly feel more professional when I am dressed up. Maybe looking good will hide the sadness inside. I don’t know if it will or not, but it will start me down a path to change my image.

    Knowing how busy today would be, I expected to be able to finish and publish this article before class started. Unfortunately, the training centre needed my help trying to resolve an issue that took nearly forty-five minutes… and the class that I taught today had no labs, so I was lecturing all day. We are now an hour into my evening class, and we finally started our first lab of the day, so I was able to finish it up. Tomorrow morning should be a bit more relaxed… in this regard. In the other, knowing that tomorrow will be the first day of no solid foods for a bit, it will be a bit stressful. Knowing that in the evening I am likely having a conversation that I do not want to have, it will be much more stressful still. There is nothing I can do, my fate awaits… for good or for bad. In the meantime, I am nearing the end of the day of my single-piece-of-chicken day, and while I am hungry, I also know that I am due or overdue for a meal replacement, so I made it. The smaller meal was not so bad. Tomorrow we will see what it is like with no meal.

    Have a great evening folks!

  • Day 332

    I am doing terrible in life, but my weight loss is not so bad. After the terrible numbers yesterday morning, this morning they were almost back to where they had been Thursday. This, despite my eating the challah yesterday evening.

    I am intentionally not writing about some of the worst trauma and anxiety I am suffering these past few weeks. The probably diagnosis from my new therapist gives me hope that I can get better, but it might be too late to save me. I am going to try my best, but I cannot lie… last night as I sat smoking my cigars, I had a bottle of scotch on the table. I spent the evening trying to remember that getting drunk will not only not solve my problems, but will also hinder my weight loss.

    I don’t want to go on but I cannot give up. It is a terrible feeling. This Sabbath has brought me no peace, no joy… only misery and anxiety. Tomorrow evening we light the Chanukah candles for the first night, but I don’t see it being any better.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 208

    This morning the I gave back .4-lbs on the scale, likely due to the popcorn I ate at the movies yesterday. It was not even worth it… but I will be back on track today. I have chicken and salad for lunch, and I will go for a walk this afternoon. While there is no way I will match my record-setting pace from yesterday, I do not need to… all I need to do is work hard and get a good sweat going. It is a misconception that I have to beat yesterday’s stats every time I go out… I just have to keep going out, and that is what will help me to lose the weight and get back into shape.

    It is Monday morning, the start of a new week. I weigh 3.2 pounds less than I did last Monday, and by any measure that is a successful week of weight loss. If I can do that again this week, then when I get to Dallas, I will not weigh 315 lbs… but I will be under 320 lbs, which will not be a failure. It will also mean that since I was last with my wife, I will have lost about 20 lbs. I know that she will feel the difference when she puts her arms around me! As I have said many times before: I am not losing the weight primarily for her… but she is certainly a consideration, and the only other beneficiary (aside from myself) of the positive changes resulting from the weight loss!

    I did not sleep very well last night. For reasons I could not put together, Princess Sophie decided to not sleep in my bed, which is mostly good. I did have a lot on my mind though, and it kept me up longer than I would have liked. Hopefully tonight I will sleep better.

    One of my student’s father owns a cigar company in Dallas, and a couple of weeks ago he sent me a care package. The plan is that I will smoke them before getting to Dallas, and then he and I will sit down and discuss them for an article I will write for one of my other blogs. According to the tracking, the package arrived in Canada a week ago, and has been sitting with Canada Customs since. Late last night the tracking changed, and they are now back en route to me. While this is a positive, I am always worried that when someone ships cigars to me they will come with a large bill from Canada Customs. If that happens, I have to decide whether to accept them (and pay the bill) or refuse them. As I am hoping he only sent a couple of cigars, I cannot image the bill for these will be too large, but the uncertainty has been the cause of some stress, in addition to everything else going on in my life.

    The forecast for today (and through Thursday) is partly cloudy but dry, with high temperatures in the mid-20s, which will not only make my wife jealous, it will also make for excellent weather to walk in. I am hoping that tomorrow and Thursday evening I will go to Taekwondo, but tonight, Wednesday, and Friday I will be walking. While it might not yet be a habit, I want to keep my walking routine going. Also, while I have been doing pretty well these last few weeks (I have lost 19.6 pounds in the last five weeks), it is only normal for me to want to make one final push to lose even more weight leading up to my trip to Dallas. Walking (and Taekwondo), in addition to sticking to my healthy eating, will be a good way to make that final push.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 188

    I am still reeling from the monster walk I took last night. I am also reeling from some conversations I have been having, and am starting to believe that things will be okay. As I have alluded to over the past ten days or so, my emotions have been in turmoil, and have felt pretty hopeless. The fact that I have not only stuck to my meal plan, but have also started and maintained a rigorous exercise routine with my fitness walking, is a testament to the fact that I do not have to turn to food when life turns to shit. That has always been my default, but it does not make it healthy. Over the past two weeks, following my old patterns, I have every reason to be up 5-10 pounds. Instead, I am down eleven pounds. To put that into perspective, that is the difference between weighing nearly 350-pounds and weighing under 330-pounds. I have to call that my greatest attitude and behavioural victory since… I don’t even know when!

    I did cheat yesterday. After my lunch of chicken and salad, I decided to have a Japanese biscuit. The fact that each time that I eat one I am proud of myself that I can stick to just one. I am also proud that I have had them since my birthday, and I have not devoured the entire box. This is another great success… the old me – the gluttonous me – would have knocked down at least a couple (if not more) every single day until they were gone.

    Who am I kidding? There is not old me / new me. Not yet, anyways. I am the same me, with the gluttonous tendencies toward large portions of extremely unhealthy foods that I have always been. The fact that I have been suppressing that side of me does not mean that I have changed; it means that I want to change, but I am still who I have always been. It is too easy to give myself credit for change… like congratulating myself on my Nobel Prize when I dress up as a brilliant scientist. I have to remember every day that I am still the same man with the same desires, and that I will likely never change. I can change my habits, but I cannot ever let down my guard. It is the vigilance that I have forced upon myself that is responsible for my weight loss… and certainly not my actual nature.

    On a few of Leslie’s early visits to see me last year, the last night before she flew home, we went to QB’s Sports Bar for dinner. I remember the foods that we ordered, which even in moderation would have been terribly unhealthy. I can hardly believe that I could sit there with a gorgeous and sexy woman, order a large pizza and a plate of wings, and devour them with no shame. Just the thought of doing that embarrasses me, and I have to remember that not only the next time, but every time I sit down to eat… whether I am eating with Leslie or alone.

    Today is a new day, and I am psyched to keep going. After yesterday’s slight bump up, my weight was once again down today, so I am happy with that. If I keep it up, I might actually fit into my smaller suits by mid-September, which would be amazing. Because of my class schedule for the next few weeks, it will be a month between weigh-ins at the doctor’s office. If I keep my pace of progress up, it is not unreasonable to expect I could be down ten kilos in that month. It is an unbelievable number to hope for, but it is my goal. My appointment is for August 24, which is just under 30 days from today. If I can weigh in under 141 kilos, I will be absolutely over the moon thrilled! Even if I miss that goal, but weigh seven kilos less than I do now, it will be a tremendous success.

    I noticed after eating my main meal today that I was, once again, still peckish. I looked (unsuccessfully) for a healthy snack, and quickly realized that there is no such thing as a truly healthy snack that resides in the pantry. I ended up having a single Japanese biscuit, which is not healthy, but as long as I only eat the one, I will not lose a lot of traction on my weight loss program.

    I think yesterday’s schedule worked really well, and I am going to try to repeat it today. After class, I will take Princess Sophie for a walk. I will then come back home and change into my workout kit. Before I go out though, I will have my second meal replacement shake. I will go for a good fitness walk (which I suspect it will be somewhat less intense than yesterday’s record-shattering outing. When I come back in, I will shower, write up my activity, and then I will have my final meal replacement of the evening. I will get into bed and hopefully speak with my beautiful wife, who might or might not be able to, owing to the child situation. I really do love ending my day by sharing a few moments on video chat with her. It makes my heart soar, and even if I do not fall asleep right away (as has been the case these last few nights), it puts my mind at ease so I can rest.

    I will be back after my walk, but until then… have a great day!

  • Day 185

    How appropriate is it that the morning after getting a kick in the teeth message, I wake up to find I have gained weight? Okay, I know… I have lost 11.5-pounds in twelve days, and it is not only unreasonable, but also unrealistic to believe that my weight will be down every single day. The weight gain was only .4 lbs, but the psychological effect of being back above (well… at) the decade I cleared yesterday is real.

    With regard to the message, it was about Taekwondo. The Master told me he is going on vacation for a couple of weeks, so I will not be able to go back to the school until the second week of August. Yes, there was a lot more to it than that, otherwise it would not have been so painful. I am just not going into details here.

    Leslie gave me good advice. She advised that I could get down about that, or I could continue to focus on what has been working very well for me – the walking routine. She also suggested that I start working on my Taekwondo patterns on my own, which is a very good suggestion, and something that someone at my level should have no issues with. Yes, I will have to find some videos to remind myself of them; fortunately, my muscle memory will kick in. It would not take me too long to remember all of the patterns that I need…

    So yes, that last paragraph sent me down a rabbit hole on web surfing, culminating in my renewing my web account for the Kukkiwon, the World Taekwondo Headquarters. It is not always easy to find (or confirm what the testing requirements are for a mid-level Black Belt, and I wanted to see if I could get a list of every poomsae (pattern) that I have had to learn so far. The list as stated is not actually available online, owing to the different testing requirements of different organizations. So I went back into my own files and found this list of poomsae that I have learned for testing over the years:

    · Taegeuk 1-8

    · Dae Mang 1-8

    · Koryo

    · Chulgi 1 & 2

    · Balsek

    · Keum Ga

    · Pal Ban Moo

    · San Gook Kwan

    · Ship Su

    Most, but not all of these are official Kukkiwon poomsae, but I know I will never be called upon to perform Dae Mang or Pal Ban Moo again… unless I decide to rejoin OMAC (Oriental Martial Arts College) again, which I do not expect will happen.

    When I was living in California, I studied at a school called JK Lim, where I learned Taebaek, which is the pattern that I will be required to perform to test for my next belt. Additionally, I will have to be able to perform Taegeuk 1-8, Koryo, and Geumgang. All in all, I will need to re-learn eleven poomsae, all of which I used to know like the back of my hand. Those are the patterns requirements for testing for my 4th Dan. Additionally, I will have to write an essay on Taekwondo, which is not something new to me. On, and I will also have to break four slabs of concrete with my bare hands. Anyone who doubts the level of intimidation contained in the previous statement might have never tried to break a 1.5” slab of concrete with their bare hands before… let alone four of them.

    First things first! I am not ready to test; following a promotion, a Black Belt must wait a certain time to test again. I am not sure whether the wait to test from Third Dan to Fourth Dan is a three-year or a four-year wait, but the date on my current promotion certificate is September 7, 2019… which means that if the wait is three years, I would be eligible in about six weeks. There is a huge difference between eligible and ready, and I am not going to play fast and loose with the second one. I will test when I am ready to wow myself… not simply when I think I can adequately meet the minimum requirements for testing. That includes getting into shape. Yes, I am currently sixty pounds lighter than I was in January; that does not mean that I am in shape.

    Getting into shape starts with losing weight, and I am really working on that. Once again, I followed the program perfectly yesterday. I was tempted to have a bag of popcorn, but I abstained. I later realized that I do not have popcorn in the house, so that would have been a non-issue. I then thought about having a Japanese biscuit… a little something sweet to welcome in the Sabbath. I did not do that either. While it was not reflected on the bathroom scale this morning, I stuck to the program again. That is my plan for today as well.

    By the time I click ‘Save’ on this entry, it will be nearly noon. Princess Sophie is on a play-date, and I am going to go for my walk. I do not know how long it will be, but if my legs don’t ache too bad in the first ten minutes, I would like to aim for 7-8km. I am going to wear the socks I have been used to wearing instead of those extra-thick socks I wore yesterday. I want to wear the Adidas shoes that are currently my favourites, and they simply did not fit over the thicker socks.

    For when I am back (and showered), I am marinating a piece of salmon for my main meal. I do not know where I got the calorie count for the fish I ate the other day (which I wrote in my journal as nearly 600 calories, but when I look now seems to be closer to 1000 calories!) but it looks like I was wrong, so I will have to be more cognizant of the size of the pieces I buy going forward. The piece I bought for today is 400g, which depending on the site you look at is between 600 and 850 calories. Yes, I am going to enjoy it today, but yes, I am going to start buying smaller portions of fish.

    My emotions are still doing terrible, but I am forcing myself to stay on track with my diet and exercise. If I can get through it all, I might come out the other side… and when things are better in my life, the work that I am putting in now might by then be habits that I will be able to continue. I am crossing my fingers (not really a Jewish thing…) that will be the case.

    Have a great day folks!

  • And What a Walk!

    Speaking with Leslie today (and over the last little while) I have started to fully understand that I need exercise for a few reasons. It crucial for my weight loss strategy, there is no question that exercise is a critical component to losing weight and getting back into shape. That is an obvious and direct benefit.

    There is a less obvious (if equally critical) benefit to exercising. I know that food is an addiction, and I have to break that unhealthy relationship with food. Leslie reminded me (several times) that if I have been turning to food (and mostly unhealthy foods) to deal with stress, anxiety, sadness, and depression then I need a different go-to that I can use to replace food in those moments of despair and desperation.

    I have known my friends Rick and Isolina (The Beard and The Munchkin) nearly twenty-five years. He has been for many years the most faithful and constant reader of my main blog (www.garvis.ca) and has watched trends in my life. He pointed out to me a couple of weeks ago (yet again) that he can tell when I am back at my Taekwondo training from my tone… not only when we talk, but in my writing on my blogs and on Facebook. I know that he is right… although I am going to put in one slight amendment to that statement. I am more upbeat when I am in training… whether that be walking, running, weight training, or of course my primary sport, Taekwondo.

    (Rick is going to read that and within a day I am going to get a phone call from him saying ‘You know, you are probably right… but it is even more clear when you are in Taekwondo; I know that you love it and it shows.’ I love you, Rick!)

    Okay… so if working out in general and Taekwondo in particular are activities that lift my spirits, then why shouldn’t I turn to them as a crutch? ‘Hey, I am having a really terrible day today… I’ll go for a long walk and maybe I’ll feel better.’ Or: ‘Wow, what a crappy day. Fortunately, I can go to a Taekwondo class or two this evening, and that will help me work out my aggressions.’

    It is a question of shifting my go-to from eating bad foods to making healthy choices.

    By the way, if I do that, there will be another added benefit to my general mood. I am always in a better mood when my weight is down. Yes, this morning was the exception to that rule, but sometimes things really do get that bad. Okay, so if I am in a better mood when my weight is trending down, then exercising instead of eating will prevent weight gain and usually cause weight loss. As I wrote in my article ‘One Pound Lost is Three Pounds of Progress’ (republished on my blog March 30, 2022), every pound that I lose not only means that pound, but it also represents the pound that I could have stayed the same, and the pound that I could have gained. Lower weight equals happier Mitch. It really is that simple.

    I started today, and as the title of this entry alludes to, I had one hell of a walk. I don’t know if it was because of the motivation, because I weigh less than I have in years, or if it that I spent ten hours in the car yesterday, or that I have not walked in eleven days. I do know that I am wearing a new pair of running shoes (thanks Leslie!) and that my feet were feeling fine from beginning to end, and that I have a lot of crap in my head that I am trying to sort out. I also know that today’s walk broke a few records. Here are the numbers:

    • Distance: 9.03 km (7. 5 km)
    • Duration: 1:33:28 (1:22:42 minutes)
    • Average Pace (Min/km): 10:21 (11:01)
    • Steps: 10.8k (9.3k)
    • Calories burned: 524 (429)
    • Elevation gain: 34.1m (28m)
    • Average cadence (steps per minute): 116 (112)

    There is a lot of bold text there because yes, each one of those is a record. I beat my previous best distance by 1.5km, which of course means that it was 16m25s longer in duration. My previous best pace was 10m37s per kilometre. Today it was a full 16s per kilometre better. In fact, each of my first seven kilometres was well faster than that, and had I stopped after five kilometres, my pace was actually 10m05s per kilometre!

    Yes, I kicked butt out there on my walk, and I am proud of it.

    I do not know if I will walk tomorrow because it is a Taekwondo day (as are all Tuesdays and Thursdays). What I might do is go for a lighter 5km walk… I won’t push myself; I will just do it to get a little more exercise than just the classes. I have to decide how I am going to do that, but we will see.

    I suppose there is another ulterior motive for an extra workout tomorrow… the following day is my fortnightly weigh-in, and it would be good to show progress. As it is, this morning I weighed 2/10ths of a pound more than I did on my previous weigh-in.

    That is another attitude I have to be cognizant of. I cannot act ‘business as usual’ for ten days, and then in the days leading up to my doctor’s visit push myself to get back on track. While weight loss is indeed a marathon and not a sprint, I do not know a lot of marathon runners who slack off for any amount of time during a race. I cannot either. Yes, there will be moments of weakness; what is most important is recognizing them and recovering from them as quickly as possible. All important lessons.

    I would love to push for a huge weight loss between now and the end of the summer, and so I am going to stay close to home. By that I mean I am going to avoid social situations where I am tempted to take peanuts or hamburgers or whatever else. Happily, I have a month-long teaching contract starting next Monday, which will also keep me focused and disciplined. It would be wonderful if Leslie were to come for a visit or if I were to go to visit her during that month, but unlike so many of my friends, Leslie encourages me to stay on track and to eat healthy. After all, I hope she wants to have me around for many years to come.

    As I write this, I realize the following:

    1. I have not showered since coming in from my walk. Yuck.
    2. I have ingested precisely one meal replacement shake today, which means that with the 524 calories that I burned on my walk, I am in a deficit of 299 calories.
    3. I have to get my butt in gear and go pick up Princess Sophie.

    Have a great afternoon folks!