Losing a part of me

Category: Cheating

  • Day 1042

    The Microsoft Word document that I keep these entries in is now 993 pages long. That accounts for 1,147 journal entries comprising over 667,000 words over nearly three years. That is a lot of successes and a lot of failures; a lot of ups and downs (in my weight, my life, my emotional state, and more). It includes a lot of travel… but mostly to Dallas and California and Cuba. It includes a lot of great advice to myself (I do not ever want to give anyone else advice), some of which is easier to follow short-term than long.

    As an example of advice I do not seem to follow through on: I have been very clear that I lose weight faster and feel better when I am exercising. I then let work and travel and life get in the way, and I get out of the habit of exercising. It is maddening because I love doing it, but sometimes it is hard to fit in… and then just like that I am out of the habit of exercising.

    On that note, I did get out for a walk yesterday. While my pace was slower than the previous day, the distance was nearly identical. Whether it was because of the weather, or my choice of shoes, or the fact that I had walked the previous day so my muscles needed to recover… whatever it was, my pace was thirteen seconds per kilometre slower than Monday, and the same route (in reverse) took me 1m50s longer. In other words… not a big difference, and I am really just nitpicking.

    I was hoping that the exercise would help me to sleep. That did not happen. I was in bed early but tossed and turned until nearly 2:30am before I finally nodded off. How I achieved even 70 for my sleep score I do not know. My body battery was up to an abysmal (for the morning) 34. I hope that I make it through the day! There has been speculation that from time to time my cigar smoking might keep me awake. If that is true (and the science suggests that it is) then I can assure you that it has not been a contributing factor these last few days. I have not smoked a cigar since the weekend. That will end today. More on that later.

    Another bit of advice that I give myself and do not follow is not to cheat. I broke that yesterday when I bought a couple of rolls (which I am eating with breakfast) as well as a handful of peanuts and trail mix. I should not have done that. What I should have done was sit in the traffic and when I got home had a shake. No, that is not what I did. Instead, I pulled off the highway and stopped in at Fortinos to buy the cheats. How undisciplined am I? I mean, I was on my way home from Costco and I had protein bars in the car! Why didn’t I just eat one of those? I need to control myself.

    While I did not manage to sleep well, and with my slight cheat yesterday, I still managed to drop about 3.5 lbs. from yesterday. The bowel movement helped, but so too did the exercise and mostly good eating. Hopefully I can continue on that trend for a few days. If I do, then by next week I should be back below the terrible mark.

    When I do go back to eating, I need to eat smaller portions. There is no good reason for me to eat a whole chicken in a day. End of story. Yet there it is, that is what I do. While I commend myself for cutting almost to zero how often I eat at restaurants (I do so occasionally with friends, and when I am with my wife), but when I am alone? I can count on one hand the number of times I have done so in the last six months. All this to say that while I have improved my habits somewhat, I am almost completely negating the improved behaviours by ignoring the bad ones. I have to prepare smaller portions if I want to improve long term!

    I followed my plans pretty well yesterday. I went for a good walk; I came home and had a shower and then a meal replacement shake. I studied for a few hours; I went to Costco to return an item and to pick up meal replacement bars. I got to bed early, although I did not fall asleep. I will try to get to bed early again tonight.

    The original plan was for my friend Mitchell and I to drive down to Niagara Falls, NY tomorrow. He needs to pick up a package, and I’m going to go along for the drive. When I told Leslie she reminded me that tomorrow is American Thanksgiving and that everything will be closed. Because of that, we changed the plan and are driving down there today. I suspect that we will stop off to smoke a cigar, which I have not done in a few days. I might bring some home with me, but it would not be very many… I would declare them, and I do not want to be killed on the customs and duties. We should be home by dinner time, and I will do my best to get a good night sleep tonight.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1040

    I was a bit surprised to see that my weight was up slightly this morning, but not terribly so. Today I will be eating the last of the chicken that I have in the house, and starting tomorrow I will be eating breakfast and then only meal replacements for the rest of the day. If my knee holds out I will also start walking. In fact, It looks to be a pretty nice day out today (albeit chilly), so I may go for a walk after my appointment.

    I do not know if this is the time that I will start and get all the way to my goal weight, but I am going to try. To that end, I printed a new fridge chart to encourage me. I have to do more than print papers though; I need to redouble my efforts and make it happen. I have to stop eating but more than that I need to stop cheating. I need to change my attitude toward food, and I need to once and for all break the unhealthy relationship that I have with food.

    While I am planning to walk outside today (with high temperatures of 7°C (41°F), I just went into my bedroom and cleaned everything off the treadmill. If it is my intention to use it this winter to keep active, then I have to as of right now stop using it to hang clothes. Yes, that stereotype is real… except in my case it will be temporary.

    Yes, I went to the supermarket yesterday. Knowing that I have a meal or two left, I purchased vegetables so that I can have a salad with them. I also bought a handful of trail mix which I should not have done… but I also thought about buying breakfast cereal and stopped myself. A smaller transgression is better than a larger one.

    I finally got a good night’s sleep. I woke up feeling refreshed, and while my body battery was low from the time I woke up, the 80 on my sleep score was a relief to see. I will try to sleep well again tonight and am hoping that if I do exercise then it will contribute to that.

    When I picked up my prescription meds yesterday, I also took the opportunity to get my Covid-19 and Flu vaccines. I have still had no ill effects and hope this proactive measure will help to keep me healthy.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1028

    Yes, I messed up yesterday. I wrote a three-word post, and yet I still messed up. How? I got the day number wrong. I fixed that this morning.

    My weight is way up. A couple of days ago I had an extremely emotional time of it, and I indulged. I knew I would pay for it. I bought (and ate) a box of breakfast cereal. I ate better yesterday, but because I did not weigh myself yesterday, I do not know if I lost weight from then.

    Why didn’t I weigh myself? It was one of those overnight classes. I was supposed to go to bed early Monday so I could wake up at midnight and teach from 1am until noon. The problem was that I was never able to fall asleep, so I finally got out of bed and readied myself for class early. I did not bother, but I knew I was heavier.

    I somehow made it through my class, and when it was over I took Her Floofness for a walk and then had a light meal, and then went to bed. I slept for 2-3 hours, and while I needed more, I knew I could not do it lest I wake up at midnight. I stayed awake until a reasonable hour, and then I fell asleep and had a wonderful night’s rest. Sleep score? Ninety-one! Yes, I slept very well.

    Today will be a more relaxing day. I am likely going to see a friend, and then will come home in time for dinner. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1008

    Despite the disgusting weight gain of yesterday morning I was happy to order Chinese food to enjoy with my wife for dinner last night. It was not a good choice, but we were both tired and it was her suggestion. I also decided to have a dram of whisky with our cigar on the balcony, and it turned out that it was needed because it was a very emotional conversation. As hard as it is to hear the outpouring of emotion from my beautiful wife, we both find it so much better when I am here so I can hold her and comfort her. This whole ‘living in different countries’ thing is getting old.

    With all of that, I was relieved if somewhat surprised this morning when I saw that I had lost all of the weight that I had gained yesterday. That 2.2 lbs. jump killed me, and seeing it reversed was a real relief. I wonder how much it helped that yesterday midday I was finally able to have a really good bowel movement.

    Today is a new day and I am likely going to have a chicken salad for lunch. For dinner I am planning to buy a nice piece of fish that I will prepare to a recipe that my buddy Lyle gave me the other day, which will be completely different from how I usually prepare it. I am excited to try it. I also know that if it is a complete failure then I can throw it out and we can defrost something from the freezer.

    It is Thursday today and I have two more teaching days before the weekend. I am enjoying the class, but I am really looking forward to not having to work full time next week. I do have some work that needs to be done, but I will also have the freedom to power-walk almost every day. I need to get active again… it has been too long (nearly a month) since I was able to.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 980

    I was doing well yesterday… and then I had to wait for my prescription at the Shoppers Drug Mart. I do not know what possessed me to buy a bag of chips and a bag of dried mango. I have to get a hold of myself!

    My knee has been hurting the last couple of days and I decided that I would proactively start taking the meds that healed it up a couple of months ago. That required a trip to the pharmacy. It is feeling much better this morning – not perfect, but definitely improvement.

    I did not get a great night sleep last night, but it was better than it has been in several nights. Around midnight I heard Princess Sophie asking to come into the bed and my first instinct was to get up and finally take the sleeping pill that I have been trying to not take. It took me a minute to realize that I had actually been sleeping! It was the first time since last week that I was able to sleep before midnight. Woohoo!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 962

    Leslie is coming today! Woohoo! She won’t be landing until late tonight, but at least I know that when I next get into bed, she will be next to me.

    The procedure went well yesterday, and when I got home, I was finally able to have my first solid meal since Thursday afternoon. It was a relief to say the least. I was energized, and I thought that when I came in from walking Princess Sophie, I might even walk to the supermarket to pick up some provisions. I was hungry an hour after eating, which I suppose is not much of a surprise… especially knowing that the preparations for the procedure involved laxatives and whatnot. Her Floofness and I went out for her usual walk… and it was not long into the walk that I realized that I would be satisfied with getting home; I would not be walking anywhere after that.

    The problem that I was still hungry was still there. I was not allowed to drive because of the anesthesia, and I did not really have any food in the house. In my weakened state (both body and mind) I ordered Chinese food. It was not as good as it should have been for how much of a cheat meal that it was, but it was still tasty. Because of it, knowing how much sugar and MSG there must have been in it, I did not expect to lose weight this morning. It was a pleasant surprise to see that I dropped over 1.5 lbs. from yesterday. Phew! I am still over 290 lbs., but hopefully over the next couple of days I will be able to drop below that mark… again.

    It is a beautiful but cool day in Burlington. I am going to go out to the supermarket quickly, and then I plan to relax on the balcony with a cigar until it is time to prepare a late lunch. I had invited Eduardo over for a cigar, but he told me this morning that he has a family obligation, so he had to decline. It will not bother me one bit to sit alone with my thoughts… and possibly a book, a cigar, and a cup of coffee.

    Leslie’s flight is not landing until 11:00pm, so I will have a quiet day to myself. I might go for a walk, depending on how I feel. Either way, either after my walk or around 8:30pm I will shave and shower, and then get ready to head out to the airport. It will be so good to see her again… it has been way too long!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 959

    My body smote me hard this morning! I gave in yesterday afternoon and had an order of French fries because we met at Wendy’s before the meeting… but I never thought that a single order of fries would have me up by three pounds this morning! I hate myself for faltering! I will do better today.

  • Day 955

    I was really down yesterday… because my weight was really up. I fell off the wagon Friday night, and while the circumstances that led to it happening were brought about by others, they only led me to the water… I drank on my own. No, I did not imbibe; I ate. Here’s the long and the short of it:

    My friend was meant to come over at 3:30pm to play backgammon. At some point during the afternoon, she told me she was running extremely behind, so I told her to just come when she could. At around 6:00pm I told her that if she wanted to eat together then we should do so before we sat out on the balcony. Little did I realize that she would arrive at 8:15pm, and that we would not be sitting down at the pub until after 9:00pm. I should not have eaten. To make matters worse, I stupidly ordered a hamburger. Even stupider, I did not ask for a salad on the side, I asked for the sweet-potato fries. All this to say that the only halfway smart decision I made was to walk to the pub instead of driving.

    I woke up yesterday morning and stepped onto the bathroom scale. To my horror, my weight was up 2.6 lbs. from the previous day. I was shattered. I spent the entire day down in the dumps. I also realized that I needed to eat. Somehow, rather than going nuts, I went to the supermarket and bought chicken and the vegetables I would need for a salad. I could have done much worse in the mental condition that I was in.

    I was hoping that this morning my weight would be down a bit from yesterday, but seeing as I was unable to move my bowels, I was not overly hopeful. To my utter surprise and shock I had dropped all of the weight that I had gained the previous day… and a couple more ounces to boot. Woohoo! While I could not cross off another number on my fridge chart, I at least did make good forward progress. Instead of needing to lose another 3.6 lbs. to get to my best weight from Leslie’s last visit, I am now .6 lbs. from that… and I have another week to achieve that. Woohoo! (I am still 18.6 lbs. heavier than I was when I was measured by my tailor… and I only have 3.5 weeks left before their next visit. I may not make it, and if I do not then I will not be ordering anything.)

    It is a beautiful day in Burlington, and I told Leslie this morning that I promise myself that I will exercise. I do not know if it will be a longer or a shorter walk, but I am going to hit the road. I just looked at the area map and decided what route I am going to take… it is probably going to be on the longer side, so I will make sure to have plenty of water.

    After that, I will come home, eat my chicken lunch/dinner, and then I will relax on the balcony with a cigar. Hopefully my wife will have a few moments to chat, but she has her son with her so that might not work. We’ll see. She will be here in one week, which is really exciting for me!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 951

    Despite getting out and exercising my tushie off yesterday, I felt like I had failed yesterday because my friend from out of town took me to the pub for dinner. I should have politely declined, but she is not in good health, and she wanted to continue our conversation. It is great spending time with friends, but I hate that sometimes I have to do so at the expense of my success. In any event, I was wrong… my weight this morning dropped 1 lb. From yesterday. Yay! 

    I am teaching all day today, so my plan is to stay the course… which is much easier to do when I am teaching than when I am not. It is not as if I could go out to pick up food, right? Before you say it, I do not think I have even once ordered food in to this apartment since I am living here… which might be three years today if I’m not mistaken! No, lunch will be a meal replacement shake because I don’t have any other option. Yes, I could go out shopping after class… but as of right now I have no intention of doing so. I want to stay on track. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could get my weight down below 280 lbs. in time for Leslie’s visit?  

    I had a follow-uo conversation with a medical office yesterday about a colonoscopy which my doctor assures me I need to have. It does not sound like anything enjoyable. Sigh. The joys of getting older. I suppose it does beat the alternative, right? 

    Have a great day folks! 

  • Day 946

    My weight this morning was neither down nor up from yesterday. I know that I will not lose weight every day, and as long as the trend continues downward then I’m on the right track. Not that this morning’s breakfast at JJ’s was smart, but at least it was early in the day, and if I can get through the rest of the day carb-free then I can stay on track.

    (Spoiler alert: I had a tumultuous day and did end up preparing chicken and salad for dinner… with a small, lone challah roll.)

    I am sitting at the US/Canada border waiting to ask the Immigration officer a few questions. It was a long way to go for a few questions that normally will take no longer than 10-15 minutes to ask and answer… but from what I can tell from looking online there is no phone number I can call for this. I hope that it won’t take more than an hour or two of waiting. Of course, I won’t be publishing the entry until later in the day because there is no Internet access here… in fact, there is no cellular signal whatsoever, most likely by design.

    I had thought to myself as I drove down that once I was done, I might go into Niagara Falls, NY to have lunch; I then thought better of it because I would not likely find anything healthy, and having had a late breakfast it won’t be necessary. At least some days I can think about my weight loss without getting sidetracked by whatever enticements might lie in my path.

    It is now 9:00pm, and I was about to press Publish on the blog when I realized I should say that while I wrote that the day was tumultuous, it was not a bad day… just a long and busy one.

    It is time to light the candles. Have a great day folks!