Losing a part of me

Category: Cheating

  • Day 940

    I do not know why I was so hungry last night. Once again, I ate more thank I should have… but still within the parameters of what I had been doing the whole week. I was again afraid that my weight would be up this morning… especially since it is now a few days since I have had a half-decent bowel movement. In fact, my weight dropped another .4 lbs., bringing my weight loss since Sunday to nine pounds. That is nothing to sneeze at indeed, but I have to find a way to keep it going. The mental and emotional side of weight loss is the hardest part.

    Last night I was out after my class to pick up dog food and treats for Her Royal Floofness, and I briefly considered stopping into Fortinos to pick up a challah roll for Shabbat. I decided not to, and I think that is the reason my weight was down this morning. It is bad enough that I am not able to stick to only eating meal replacements in the evening, but if I were to add carbs and starches into my diet I know the results would be disastrous.

    Will I be able to get out to exercise today? I might try. The afternoon forecast is rain, so I would have to get out earlier. I have a couple of errands I need to run, so maybe I will go out in a few minutes and then do some work in the afternoon.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 938

    Yesterday evening was somewhat similar to the previous one, insofar as I veered from the program… but not very far. Following my class, I went to the store and bought the provisions I had planned for (minus the coffee, which means I will have to go back today). I came home and prepared my early-evening meal replacement. I was still hungry, so I made myself an omelette, and then had a protein bar. That is a very large aberration from the norm but was offset by my not eating anything else (including my late meal replacement) until bed. Nevertheless, I was worried that I would not lose weight – or even gain a little – this morning. Fortunately, that was not the case. My weight is now down 8.4 lbs. Since Sunday morning. I feel I did a little better yesterday than I did the previous day; I will try to do a little better today than I did yesterday. 

    My knee is hardly bothering me at all this morning! I am not completely out of the woods yet, but I am still much better than I have been in the last couple of weeks. I am not going to stop taking the anti-inflammatories just yet, but I am relieved for the improvement. Hopefully by this weekend I will be able to get some exercise in. 

    It is another sunny and beautiful day in Burlington, but I have the air conditioner going and the balcony door closed yet again because there is a very loud road crew working outside. Hopefully this afternoon I’ll be able to open the door and enjoy some fresh air as I teach. 

    Have a great day folks! 

  • Day 937

    I was weak last evening. I felt weak, and I gave in to a little temptation. I did not go overboard, but I did break from the program; I made myself a small (2-egg) omelette, and then I ate a protein bar (which is equivalent to drinking an extra meal replacement). I told my wife about the omelette but I think that by the time we spoke, I had forgotten about the protein bar. It was not meant to be dishonest. In any event, I was worried that I would gain weight from these. Fortunately, I did not. Indeed, my weight dropped again this morning. According to the bathroom scale, I dropped another 1.2 lbs., which brings me below the 295 mark for the first time since July 30. I have to keep going though… two days of progress does not a success make. 

    I told Leslie last night that my next goal is to drop to 280 lbs. By the time she visits. That means I have to stay true to the program for the next 3.5 weeks. It means that I am going to have to decline a number of social invitations over the weekend which will be sad, but necessary. I want to get back on track, and the last few weeks have proven to me that I cannot do that if I am going to make an exception for every occasion. 

    We also discussed my failure to maintain a reasonable weight. I have not even been able to type into this journal that horrible number that my weight exceeded four times over the past few weeks. I must be strong and get back on track, which means getting my weight as far below that number as I can. I know that she will love me whatever my weight, but it is not so easy to love myself when I am that morbidly obese. Without going into detail, there was a marked improvement to certain parts of our relationship as I dropped the weight… and if for no other reason than that, then being back above that number is somewhere I never want to be again! Of course, there are also all of the nice clothes that I have that I want to be able to continue to wear more comfortably, and those that I have that do not currently fit at all. Two of my suits fit and two of my sports jackets fit (but tightly), and the rest do not. As for shirts… I know that some of them are tight, and others are not wearable. I will get back into all of them… and soon. 

    It is a beautiful day in the neighbourhood, but I will be teaching until nearly 5:00pm. No problem… once I am off I will shed my jacket and tie, and I will put on a pair of shorts and a golf shirt. After I have my second meal replacement of the day I will go shopping for coffee and eggs and the vegetables I need for my omelettes, and then I will take Princess Sophie for a nice walk. I will follow that up with a cigar on the balcony. Leslie’s son is coming home to her this afternoon, so I do not know if we will be able to have a video date. If we can, then yay! If not, then I will read. 

    Yesterday after class I took Her Floofness for her walk, and then I took a nap. That allowed me to have a cigar date with my wife in the evening. Monday evening, I was so tired that I could not, and I thought I might be sick until Leslie reminded me that my body was rebelling against the severely reduced caloric intake. I am hoping that either today or tomorrow my body will be in ketosis and that will be behind me. If not, then I will take more naps. I will not sabotage my progress by eating (as I did yesterday). At least when I ate yesterday, was not carbs or starches, so I did mostly stay with the program. Hopefully today I can do better. 

    Can I get down under 290 lbs. By the weekend? That would be great. I will not veer from my program which would sabotage myself. Let’s see if I can do it. 

    Have a great day folks! 

  • Day 934

    I am not sure if my adrenaline high from yesterday has quite abated yet. What a day.

    As I wrote yesterday, I was awake at 4:15am yesterday, after getting less than three hours of real sleep. Why? Well, I was awake at that ungodly hour to pick my buddy up from the airport. Why did I sleep poorly? Mostly from the excitement and anticipation of what Saturday held. Jay had flown into town for one day to support me as I was raised to the rank of Master Mason. The ceremony was built up to me as one that I will remember for the rest of my life. There was a lot of preparation involved, and it would all culminate with the rites at the Lodge meeting. Everything involved lived up to (or exceeded) all expectations, and I was riding high until I forced myself to go to bed around 10:00pm… knowing that this morning would be another very early morning.

    My alarm sounded at 4:00am so that I could get up and get Jay to the airport in time for his very early flight. While he kept telling me he felt guilty for making me get up so early, I assured him that I could come home and go back to sleep. That has not happened so far, but Jay did get to the airport on time; I came home and took Her Royal Floofness for a very early walk; occasionally in the winter months we go out and come back in the dark, but I cannot remember the last time that happened in the summer… I suspect it would have been when we were living in California, and I had to teach an early class in another time zone. In any event, we had a good turn of it, and then came home to enjoy our breakfast.

    It is little surprise that my weight was a bit up this morning. I was pretty moderate in my eating yesterday, but there were some small cheats that were excessive, if not in the quality consumed then in the density of the fat and sugar. Yes, I had a butter tart, a desert treat for which Canada is known (and which were purchased to share with the numerous foreigners who attended my ceremony). This, after a breakfast of French toast, sandwiches for lunch, and sushi for dinner. Not a good choice in the lot… but it was a special day.

    There is nothing special about today, and I will go back to eating much smarter than I did these last two days. I had my regular omelette for breakfast. I will enjoy the sushi leftovers for lunch, but my evening will be a piece of chicken and a salad. That’s it.

    I am glad that my doctor renewed my prescriptions on Friday, but I did not manage my meds properly yesterday. Despite leaving the house before 5:00am and knowing that I would not be returning home until late afternoon or early evening, I should have brought a dose of the anti-inflammatories with me. I did not, and by 1:30pm I was in discomfort and then pain. I was quite relieved to arrive home and take the meds after 6:30pm. I have no idea why I broke my routine this morning, but I did not take any of my meds before leaving for the airport. Of course, I was home by 5:30am, and still took my pills earlier than I would normally. It is now 8:30am and I am feeling much more comfortable than I did three hours ago.

    It is a lovely day, but we can see that the summer is ebbing. I do not mind too much… it will still be a comfortable warm and sunny day, even though I did need a sweater for Floof’s walk. I am sure I will have plenty of time to enjoy the balcony in my regular shorts and golf shirt.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 914

    I overate last night, and because of that my weight went up again this morning. It would be easy to think that it was because of a spat that Leslie and I had. I can assure you that it was not that at all. I was in a lousy mood. And the food was there. I have to control myself better, but I am also not going to lay blame where it does not belong. I may not have sat down to eat when she and I chatted… but the food might as well have already been in my gut.

    Today will be better.

  • Day 912

    My weight dropped to exactly 290 lbs. this morning, which is a decent drop, but not as much as it would have been had I not had the challah last night to say the blessing. Not sorry at all.

    Frankly, I am sure my weight would have dropped a bit more had I voided my bowels before weighing myself. Let me rephrase, because I actually did… but after I finished walking Her Floofness, I started making breakfast and felt the urge; too many things were on the go already (on the stove, etc.) so I decided not to. After breakfast, I had another significant bowel movement, and suspect it would have been an even more substantial loss. Oh well!

    My plans for today are a bit up in the air, but I am hoping that they firm up quickly. Whatever happens, I am going to try to be disciplined with food.

    ***

    I posted the following on my Facebook wall last night:

    There is hope!

    I was sitting in the barber’s chair discussing some of the anti-Israel Nazi protesters. She and I have known each other over a year, and she knows my position. I said something about the ‘Israel’s genocide of the poor innocent Hamas supporters in Gaza (sarcastically). The gentleman sitting waiting for the other barber loudly said ‘Excuse me? Do you really believe that garbage? All of the protesters are really just antisemites who hate Jews.’

    In nine months this was not nearly the first time that someone has agreed with me on the issue… but it was the first time anyone who did not know me stood up and said ‘HEY! The Jews have a right to exist and defend themselves and to get their hostages back by any means necessary.’ I asked the barber to give me a minute… I pulled off the cape to reveal my Israeli flag pin and my yellow ribbon pin. I told him my REAL position. I then thanked him for helping to restore my faith in humanity… if only for a minute, and if only a little bit.

    The Holocaust did not happen because EVERY German was a Nazi and agreed with the Nazis. It happened because good people stayed silent because they did not think it was their business to get involved.

    SPEAK UP! What we are seeing today is not different from Germany in the 1930s. The only difference today is that WE – Israel and the IDF – are stronger and smarter and know what’s at stake. Most of us don’t believe that ‘It can’t happen again’ because our parents said that and IT HAPPENED. With all of the lies and vitriol being spread it sometimes feels like we are alone… and if that’s what is going to be then we’ll face it alone… and we’ll win. But man, does it feel good to know that we still have some righteous gentiles who are willing to speak up for the side of right.

    If you think it won’t make a difference, then let me tell you something… this guy made my week. I’ve not been having a good time of it lately, but this guy really fed my soul and showed me that we may feel isolated… but we are not.

    I wish I got his name… I wish I had told him what his standing up for my country and my people meant to me. I wish I could have given him a hug. Thank you, Sir.

    If you think it doesn’t matter to anyone, trust me… this man meant everything to me.

    ***

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 902

    It was all that I could do to not cry as I dropped Leslie off at the airport this morning. We got up as usual, so after my morning rituals I took Her Royal Floofness out for a very short walk… as I suspected it would be as soon as I realized that it was or had been raining. Let me be perfectly clear, I would have taken her on her usual 1.5km circuit of the park; my dog just does not like the wet. Anyhow, we came back into the apartment and Leslie was finishing up her packing. I made a half pot of coffee, knowing that we would be having breakfast out, but that after breakfast I would be in the car for 90 minutes to and from the airport.

    I was pleasantly surprised to discover that even after yesterday’s sushi meal (followed by a decadent piece of chocolate cake) my weight was still down a bit this morning. That means that even with the jump in weight from my birthday celebration, my weight is still lower than it was on any day since Leslie arrived… and since June 30. Yay!

    Our final morning together of this trip was mostly subdued. We were both sad that she has to fly back to Dallas today, so we were not happy and joyous. We are going to miss each other terribly… and I am going to have to find a way to plan a trip down to Dallas sometime next month.

    I was hoping that my buddy Mitchell would come over in the afternoon for a cigar and to discuss some of my emotional issues, but he had to cancel. Okay, I’ll just make it through the day. After lunch I have a meeting about a project I am working on, and then after that I would like to record a video for my class’s graduation which is two weeks from today. That means that I will be dressing up fancy… but I do not want to wear the same outfit for the video as I will for the class. I’ll have to make a wardrobe change in between.

    Other than that, I have some studying to do for an exam I am sitting this weekend, and I hope to be able to read a little from my book. Yes, it is that time of year again, when my favourite living fiction author releases his new novel. I downloaded it onto my eBook reader on Wednesday, and while Leslie worked yesterday afternoon, I read the first few chapters. That will accompany my cigar after my meeting today.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 900

    Can you all believe that today is the 900th day of my weight loss journey? With all of its ups and downs, I am happy that I am many clothes sizes and over a hundred pounds. I have lost some ground since my best weight ever, but I will be working to get back there. My weight will be a lifelong struggle, and to forget that would be disastrous.

    Despite enjoying a delicious dinner at The Keg (after which we shared the Billy Miner Pie… look it up if you don’t know), my weight was down significantly this morning from yesterday. While I did not drop all of the 2.6 lbs. that I added from the backyard birthday party, a significant portion did melt away. It was a relief that my weight did not go up!

    I love having my wife here with me for so many reasons. One of those reasons is that she helps me to make better food choices. That is not to say that she tells me ‘Oh don’t eat that!’ but rather knowing that she is here, I have fewer emotional and psychological reasons to overeat. Yes, I had chips at the birthday party… but I only had a few bites of the cake. It could easily have gone much worse than it did. Birthdays are birthdays, and we have to make some exceptions sometimes.

    My plan for the next couple of days is to enjoy as much time with her as I can. We both hate that she has to return to Texas Wednesday. Our visits are too short, but until I get my Green Card processed, that’s how we have to make our relationship work. We are almost always happy when we are together, but the parting is always extremely sad.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 899

    The birthday barbecue that Mitchell and I threw for each other yesterday was a lot of fun. It was the first time Leslie got to meet some of the Lodge brothers, and we had a great time. We (that is to say I) ate way too much. While everything was all delicious, I was not consciously making good food choices. I knew that when I stepped onto the bathroom scale this morning my weight would be up significantly. I suspect that had I been able to successfully move my bowels it would not have been as bad, but I was still not upset with myself for the 2.4 lbs. Increase.

    This morning, I prepared an omelette for Leslie and me, and it was quite tasty. For lunch, we shared some leftovers. This evening, she is taking me for dinner at The Keg, which has become a birthday tradition for us. I expect that following this evening’s meal, my weight will once again be up tomorrow. On Thursday I will resume eating carefully.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 890

    I did not gain any weight this morning, but I also did not lose any. I have essentially fallen off the wagon these last couple of days (I think I am doing better today), but I am trying to get myself back on track. That is not to say that I want to be back on the program just yet, because I do not. I will take it up again once Leslie’s visit is over. It is just too hard (both emotionally and physically) to get onto the program… and then to only do it for a few days would be agony.

    After several days of nothing, I have finally been able to move my bowels well today… twice. It was a relief to be able to do so before I took Her Floofness for her walk this morning, but to be able to do it again around noon was great relief… literally.

    I slept more last night than I had the previous two nights, but I am not sure how good the sleep was. According to my fitness watch, I slept a full nine hours, but not well enough to bring my stress levels down. At least I won’t be walking around like a zombie all day!

    Weight loss is never easy… I am going to get back on track. While I am not getting onto the complete program again, I would like to just get through the next few days without cheating too badly. If I do, then hopefully I can drop back to 280 lbs. by the morning Leslie arrives.

    Have a great day folks!