Losing a part of me

Category: Despair

  • Day 1205

    I am really looking forward to going to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. I did get a full four and a half hours of sleep yesterday afternoon, but against my better judgement I did wake up at 6:00pm to go to my Lodge meeting. There were several items of business for which my presence was required, and so on 4.5 hours of sleep (over the last two days) I got out of bed, got dressed, and dragged myself out to the meeting.

    It will be good to get back on a normal wake/sleep schedule starting this evening, but I know that is not why I have been so down. With great effort… well, we’ll see.

  • Day 1204

    After the good night of sleep I had the previous night, yesterday was a disaster. I tried to sleep after my overnight class but could not sleep a wink. I got through my evening class (barely), and got perhaps three hours of sleep before I had to get up for my overnight class. Bottom line: I am exhausted. My class will be done in an hour, after which I plan to take my dog for a walk and then jump into bed. I wish I did not have commitments for this evening, but knowing that I do makes the afternoon sleep critical.

    I have been having terrible thoughts recently that I do not want to write about. I am ashamed for wanting to give up. I just have to keep pushing ahead.

  • Day 1203

    I finally got some sleep last night. I do not know what time I closed my eyes, but I probably got eight solid hours. It was magnificent. It was luxuriant. It will not happen again this week because today and Friday I have my evening classes to teach, and tomorrow evening I have my Lodge. At least I was able to get some rest to catch up. My body really needed it.

    While rest is restorative, I am still in a bad place psychologically. I do not know what to do.

  • Day 1202

    Whatever else I could say about myself today, well rested is not on the list. I got a couple of hours of sleep yesterday afternoon, and then about ninety minutes of sleep last night. I am hoping that after today’s class I will be able to get a few hours… not having the evening class to teach will help. This week is not fun, but it is what i have to do to keep going.

    I know that however lousy I might feel about my situation, and I feel plenty lousy, it would be worse if I did not have my work to immerse myself into. I love my work, but I am also relieved that I am slowly paying down my debts which got a bit out of control during the four months that I was not working. It is a relief to be back on track.

    With that said, I am no happier than I was, and my emotional state is still in the toilet. I need to focus and find a way to get past it.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1201

    I have four hours left before I can sleep… or more likely four more hours before I can take Princess Sophie for her walk; after that, I can drop her off with my neighbour, and then I can get some sleep. I am exhausted and eagerly looking forward to that!

    I was hoping to get more sleep last night than I did… obviously. Not only was I unable to fall asleep until less than four hours before I had to wake up again, but I then woke up ninety minutes later… and could not fall back into slumber. When I eventually did, it was probably thirty minutes before my alarm was set to ring. Two hours of sleep is not nearly enough to keep a body going. It is a good thing that the class I am teaching this week is an easy one for me.

    While it was great to see my buddies yesterday afternoon, I am still not doing well. I am a wreck. How do I get myself out of this? I still have no idea.

  • Day 1200

    Doing no better today, but this afternoon I have to put a smile on to go see some friends. I have a good excuse to beg out early – I have to start teaching at 1am which means I need to get some sleep.

    Life sucks.

  • Day 1199

    Someone asked me yesterday morning what my plans were for today and I had to confess that I did not have anything. I walked Princess Sophie in the morning, and of course I will walk her again in the evening… but that’s about it. I was originally supposed to spend the afternoon with a friend, but that fell through. If it rains I will connect with a buddy for cigars… he is scheduled to do an outdoor photo shoot, but if the weather is not cooperative then he is free. We’ll see.

    Next week I am teaching a class to an audience in Europe which means my sleep schedule will be well and truly upside down; I am working from 1:00am until 11:30am every day. Add to that my evening class and that has me working Monday Wednesday and Friday from 6:30pm-10:30pm, and then from 1-11. It will be a tiring week for sure.

    If it sounds like I am complaining then let me assure you that I am not. I love working, and while I wish I had a steady job with a guaranteed income, for the time being that is not my life, and I need to may hay when the sun shines. When a broker calls then I am almost always happy to take the job. It is wonderful that so many different training providers like using me, and it is a relief that I am making money again so I can continue to pay down my debt. With that said, my sleep has been atrocious for the last little while, and I am not expecting this coming week to be an easy one for me.

    Speaking of paying down my debt, I have some bills to pay so I am going to get on that. Have a great day folks…

  • Day 1198

    Is it any surprise that yesterday brought more disappointing news? At this point, is there any other kind?

  • Day 1197

    Today is Yom Ha’Aztzmaut, the Israeli Day of Independence. I have a lot to do, mostly in preparation for the most useless exam I have to take tomorrow. It is a certification exam for the class that I am teaching next week, and it earns you a certification that I earned nearly six years ago and have maintained ever since. The customer wants that exact exam on my transcript, so here I sit going over some of the minutia that might come up on the exam. It could be worse.

    My original plan was to skip my Lodge’s Meeting of General Purpose this evening so that I could attend the Yom Ha’Atzmaut celebrations in Hamilton. Unfortunately, I can no longer do that, as one of the members of the Lodge passed away this week. To make it slightly more complicated, he is the brother with whom I had a very contentious relationship, and while I disagreed with him and a lot of what he said and did, I want to be there to express my sadness of his passing. At this evening’s meeting we will be discussing the details of his Masonic Funeral which are extremely important, and I will not miss the meeting.

    I am trying to cope… I do not know if it is working, but I am trying everything that I can. This morning (after Her Floofness and I came back from our walk) I went to the fridge to start preparing my breakfast, and I remembered that I used the last of the eggs yesterday. Despite my stress, anxiety, despair, and depression I am going to try once again to get back onto a program of some sort. I am going to have one midday meal, but other than that I am going to have only the meal replacement shakes. I hope that I can stick to it this time. How easy should it be to stay true? In a vacuum it would be simple. In my current reality? Not so simple. Putting one foot in front of the other isn’t simple… staying alive is not so simple. I have to try,

  • Day 1196

    It keeps getting worse. When will it end?