Losing a part of me

Category: Despair

  • Day 1221

    As do many adults, I enjoy a drink from time to time. I have for years followed the guidance that when I feel I need a drink then I do not drink. I have never wanted alcohol to be a crutch. That seems to have gone by the wayside these last few weeks (and especially the last two). I am not drinking to excess, but I am pouring myself a double almost every evening. I would like to say that I need to stop… but for the time being, I have more pressing things going on in my life, in my head. If it’s simply a couple of drams of whisky or rum in the evening then it is much better than it might be.

    I spent most of the last five days cramming for an exam for which I still felt that I was not fully prepared, but I needed to pass it by yesterday in order to be able to teach the class this week. It paid off, and yesterday evening I passed the Microsoft Cybersecurity Architect exam. Don’t get all excited – while it is certainly a bear of an exam, I do not think of anyone who passes it as an architect or anything close. I actually failed it on Thursday (I started that morning with another crushing email that threw me and my emotions (which had already been in the toilet) completely asunder. I then spent ten hours Friday and eight hours Saturday preparing to retake it, and I was able to eke out the passing score in the evening. I did not ace it, but it was also not a borderline pass. What a relief.

    That is the good news, and the fact that the related course seems to be in huge demand all of a sudden means that it was a smart move. The bad news (not really bad, but…) is that this week’s class is another Central Europe Standard Time class – another week (well, four days) of overnights. It will be grueling, but I will make it through; I always do.

    It is time for me to start my day… even though I wish I could just crawl back into bed I have commitments. Her Floofness decided that nearly five hours was enough sleep for me, and would not let me stay in bed. Now I have things to do, so I will hit it.

    Have a day folks.

  • Day 1219

    Yesterday was worse that most of my recent crappy days. I will not go into detail. No, there is no hope… but I still do not feel ready to share my story. For those of you waiting with bated breath for me to badmouth anyone or air my dirty laundry in these posts then you can stop waiting… it is not going to happen. My pain is my own, and while there is certainly a villain in the story, I am choosing to walk away.

    I don’t know why I expected anything different, but after two relatively good nights of sleep, last night was a disaster. I tossed and turned until 4:30am. I have too much on my mind and too much pain in my heart for the streak to continue. As a precaution, I stripped my sheets and washed them this morning. Tonight I will get into a freshly made bed with freshly cleaned sheets and maybe… just maybe things will be different.

    If only I could change the dirty sheets of my life as easily.

  • Day 1218

    How I will get through today… I have no idea.

  • Day 1217

    Life is no better, but I have some studying to do today and tomorrow so that hopefully I can pass an exam on Friday. We’ll see.

    Last night was possibly the first decent night sleep I got in… well, since I don’t know when. My sleep score (according to my fitness watch) was 77 – not great, but certainly decent. The app reads: ‘Shorter than ideal, plenty of deep.’ While I did not sleep a full seven hours, I was at least able to fall asleep and stay asleep for… well, most of the night anyways. It was the only night in the past week that my score exceeded 75… and the fifth time in a month. I have to get back to sleeping, but I cannot figure out how. My body battery still did not exceed a 43 which I cannot imagine is good.

    Yesterday I was able to spend most of the day with friends. I then had a haircut which I sorely needed, going back to the barber I had been with until about a year ago when he left the barber shop I had been going to for a decade. It was good to be able to trust that he would not make me look bad… like the haircut I got in March from a strange barber a a shop around e corner.

    My emotions are still in the toilet and I do not expect that to change anytime soon. It’s a miracle I am still above ground. No, I will not be hurting myself…

  • Day 1214

    I can’t end it. I wish someone else would.

  • Day 1213

    I just don’t feel like writing today.

  • Day 1212

    A Lodge brother who moved away was in town this week and he came over for drinks and cigars last night. He was the first person that I spoke to about what is going on. It is hard. I am in so much emotional pain that I cannot imagine getting through it. I am trying. His conversation was very helpful. If only friends could be with me all the time.

    I am still not sleeping well despite my best efforts. I am hoping that over the weekend I will be able to reverse that. We shall see.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1209

    I slept last night. In fact, I looked at my fitness watch which reported a sleep score of 80 (although still not long enough). That’s great… except that this was because I slept right through my alarm, and I woke up 17 minutes before I was supposed to be online to prepare for my class (instead of the usual 2 hours before). I rushed my bathroom rituals and took Princess Sophie for a very abridged walk, and was online 22 minutes after I woke up. That is not how I like to work.

    I am still wondering how I am going to get myself out from this terrible darkness.

  • Day 1208

    I just do not want to be here. I am not going to do anything to hurt myself, but I am just so completely lost that I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. It is not about my weight, but trying to keep my weight in check during this emotional crisis is hard.

    Someone asked me what I am doing to occupy my mind when I am not working. Last week that was not really an issue because I was working those ridiculous hours. Over the weekend I spent some time with various friends, and smoked a lot of cigars. I will probably be smoking more cigars than usual during my downtime this week. Fortunately, there will not be a lot of downtime, because while I am not teaching overseas, I am still teaching all day every day… and three evenings.

    I have to get a hold of myself… I have to find a way to get back on track. For once I mean more with my mental health than with my weight (which is of course connected, but right now secondary). Life sucks and I don’t see it getting better.

    I did not get a good night sleep last night despite being in bed at a reasonable hour. I just have too much on my mind. Today will therefore be a long day, and I just hope that I can make it through to the end.

  • Day 1207

    This morning for the first time I began to tell a friend the depths and extent of my despair. He is worried about me; so am I. I thank G-d that I have friends I can turn to because without them I would be all alone and I honestly do not know what I might do. My religion forbids certain unspeakable acts but sometimes I wonder…