Losing a part of me

Category: Emotions

  • Day 766

    I was disappointed yesterday morning to see that my weight climbed a bit from the previous day. I also did not follow my regimen very well yesterday, so I was expecting to see that happen again today. Imagine my pleasure to see that not only did it drop, it dropped to below Friday’s weight. In fact, my weight has not been where it is in a month. I am happy for the progress.

    As for the emotional side of life? I am trying to stay balanced. It is hard… but I am trying. My time away helped, but returning to the onslaught of reality was not easy. Doing so with a head cold made it harder. I am going to spend a lot of time in bed today… again.

    Speaking of bed: my Sleep Score from yesterday was the best I ever remember seeing. I am not sure I have ever seen it above 90, so 95 was a shock! According to my fitness watch I slept 8h39m with the right amount of every measure. Last night that score dropped to 72, probably owing to the fact that I went to bed at 8:00, and then two hours later I was up for three hours. I will get more rest today, and will really try to take it easy.

  • Day 692

    These last few days have been a very bad slide for me, and I have to put a stop to it. I have to get back on track. Just a few days ago I was hoping to see my weight drop below 250 lbs.; now I am almost a full pound over 255. I have to stop this and get back to it, but it is so hard. Emotional eating is such a challenge. Having junk food in the house (a Christmas present from a company I teach for) was a huge temptation. I should have given the entire basket away unopened. Instead I devoured it all, and my weight loss journey has taken a body blow from that. It is mostly all gone (two gluttonous days) and I can redouble my efforts to focus. Do not buy any junk food. If I can do that then I can at least get back to a somewhat normal routine again.

  • Day 690

    The weekend was one giant dumpster fire of cheating. I am really hoping that it is now behind me, and that I can get back on track this week. I will not list all of the ways that I cheated but suffice it to say quite a few of them were emotional eating based on my current levels of depression.

    I have gained two pounds in these last five days. I know that if I can rein my eating in for the next few days that I will get back to where I was a week ago. Once I do that then I can continue on and try to get back down to my best weight ever.

    I have started to think that maybe where I am (hovering around the 250 lbs. mark) is where I am meant to be. I am not willing to accept that so quickly though. I think the combination of how busy I have been and how depressed and despondent I have been have made it easy to think that. I am not done trying to get back down to within a more reasonable range – if I can get down to 220 lbs. then I will be satisfied. If I can get lower than that, then even better. We will see… I have to get out of my emotional funk before I decide what I am going to do about my weight. For the time being, the most that I can do is to stop falling off the wagon and not cheat. It has not been an easy month. The coming month will be no easier.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Day 676

    My weight jumped again this morning. While it was disappointing to be back above 250, I will not let that phase me. Certainly not when there are so many other things that are phasing me.

    My buddy flew in this morning. It is good to have someone who I can talk to. This evening is the call I have been dreading, and I am trying to figure out how to get through the day… and then how I am going to handle that call.

  • Day 675

    My weight dropped below 250 this morning which was a nice relief. I still weigh 11 lbs. more than my best weight ever (which was over a month ago), but at least I dropped back below that horrible mark. Now all I have to do is work to stay there.

    My diet buddy and I were speaking this morning and she asked me what I plan to do with regards to eating while my friend is in town. I told her that for the time being my biggest concerns are elsewhere; I am going to try to stay on track, but I suspect that for the two days that he is here that might be difficult… and of course there is the fact that I am in so much pain inside that I am just trying to keep it together. The fact that I have only had a single alcoholic drink these last three weeks is beyond belief.

    I feel like a complete failure in so many ways and I just do not want to talk about it. I know that so many of my friends would be there for me if only I would reach out. For the time being I can count on a single hand how many people I have told of what’s going on. For someone who makes a point of always being there for my friends when they need help and support, I seem utterly uncapable of reaching out to them in my time of need. The fact that Jay is flying into town to support me reminds me that for the most part I have chosen my friends well. Through good times and bad…

    I am trying to gird myself for one of the more emotionally difficult conversations that I will ever have tomorrow evening. At this point I do not know how it will go or what will come of it; I do not even know how I want it to go. I am only glad that when it is over, I will have a friend here who will help me after it is over.

    I’ll see you tomorrow.

  • Day 673

    Wow, did I fall off the wagon yesterday. I fell hard, and I paid for it this morning. Not only was my weight up a whopping five pounds from yesterday morning, but it also shot over that 250 lbs. mark that I have been trying to avoid. I know, it is a bump in the road, and I will be back on track tomorrow; that does not make me feel a whole lot better now. The important thing to remember is that I can either redouble my efforts to do better today (and over the next few days) so that I can get back on track (and below the terrible 250), or I can wallow in my guilt and sorrow and not only stay above it, but most likely keep gaining. My plan is to get back on track starting right now.

    There were two critical factors that caused my lapse yesterday. The first is the debilitating emotional pain that I have been living with these last few weeks. There was nothing that was going to happen yesterday that was going to make that better. The second was my religious dietary restrictions which, and the fact that my friends do not observe the same. I’ll explain:

    I went to my buddy’s house for the day yesterday. When I suggested we get together I did not realize it wad American Thanksgiving, let alone that he and his family prepared an authentic Thanksgiving dinner. When I found that out, I was excited because I love turkey, and I know that they would likely prepare it very well. Of course, I agreed to stay for dinner! In the hours leading up to dinner they were asking me all sorts of questions about what I could and could not eat. The turkey was the central problem because every side dish that contained dairy was out. That included the mashed potatoes, the broccoli casserole, and a couple of other dishes. It would never have occurred to me had Ryan’s mom not checked, but the turkey itself was prepared with butter.

    Any Jew who observes the rules of kashrut will agree that it is much easier to be a vegetarian when eating with others. The moment I realized that I could not eat the turkey I realized I was now free to eat all of the other dishes. When presented with the smorgasbord of broccoli casserole, mashed potatoes, and stuffing (which was not prepared inside the turkey – I checked) I piled my plate high. Had I done that with turkey then I would have been just as full, but it would have been protein, and it would not have been nearly as bad. By indulging (dare I say gorging myself) on the starches and carbs, I was absolutely setting myself up for a disaster.

    I had done my best, but I had not quite eaten my sadness away by the time I left. When I stopped to fill my gas tank, I also picked up a bag of chips. In the past few months when I have done this, I have at least done the smart thing and chose the single-portion bag. Yesterday I was hurting so bad that I bought the family-sized bag. Yes, I know exactly how stupid that was. Yes, I polished off the entire bag. Yes, I regret it. No, I will not do that again.

    I have a friend in Montreal who has been showing that she cares. Yesterday she reached out, and when I told her I was still doing badly she tried to put a positive spin on it. She reminded me how exciting it is that I got my new clothes. She is right about a couple of things: firstly, it is important to look for the good in life… even when almost everything is going terrible. Secondly, it is nice that I will be able to wear my new shirts and jacket next week for my class. I am just having so much trouble seeing anything positive, but yes, they are nice and yes, new clothes are always nice. I am trying my friend… I promise I am trying.

    My plan for today is to run a few errands, none of which are food related. I will try to find a winter jacket that I like, and once I do then I will also return the two that I bought over the weekend. I know I went shopping without a clear plan, settling on what I found at the first two stores that I went into… rather than doing my due-diligence and trying to find the right coat for me. In truth, I am going to go try them on, but that is more for the size than for the purchase. If the stores have very good sales, then I will gladly buy from them; I have already checked the Internet and see the Black Friday sale prices, and if I do not find something comparable then I will buy online. Frankly I hope that will not be the case, as I would much rather purchase from a store… but I have to get the best bang for my buck.

    With regard to food: I ate my omelette this morning… along with a piece of bread that was leftover from yesterday’s ridiculous indulgence. For the rest of the day, I am going to stick with proteins only – I will prepare my chicken; there will be no potatoes or rice, only protein. I have had my fill of carbs for the day.

    Aside from that, I will be studying. It would be nice to sit outside with my laptop and a cigar for a couple of hours, but that will largely depend on what the weather does. Yes, I have my heater ready, but this morning was the first day of the season that I saw snow flurries. I suppose the deciding factor will be the winds. My exam is tomorrow though, so whether it will be indoors or out… I will be studying. Wish me luck!

  • Day 672

    Happy Thanksgiving. Sure… how can one be happy when there is nothing to be happy about? How can one be thankful when there is so little to be thankful about?

    My weight stayed the same as yesterday. I’ll take that as a win.

    My office chair has been a problem for a few months, and I finally pulled the trigger and bought a new one (second hand). I picked it up last night and it seems quite comfortable. Is that a reason to be thankful? No… but at least I will not have to worry about the issues I had with the old chair.

    I did a lot of studying yesterday and decided to pull the trigger. I booked my exam for Saturday afternoon. I always work pretty well under pressure, and knowing that Saturday is the day I will spend all of tomorrow cramming and preparing. Will it be enough? I hope so… the exam actually retires in two weeks, and I do not want to have to take it again next week (at great cost). If I do not get it then I will most likely abandon this one and start working toward the newer version of it. That won’t be too much of a problem, but I am still hoping to pass on Saturday.

    American Thanksgiving means that most of my contacts are completely off the grid today. I am going to spend the day with a friend. I need the company. My simple goal is to not eat more than I should. I had breakfast pretty late, so I will prepare dinner when I get home. I will have a reasonable snack, but will not eat anything else until then… or afterwards either.

    See you tomorrow.

  • Day 671

    I do not know if I am having a harder time today than I have the last few; I do know that the emotional pain and anxiety are crippling today. I am not sure if part of that is because when I took Her Floofness for her walk we met up with her friend Angus… a corgi. The lot of us then met up with Molly. Their mommies are very nice ladies and chatty and sociable, and we did our full walk for about half an hour and all that time I pretended that everything was okay when everything really is not. Looking at Angus… it is just painful inside.

    While I was speaking with the doctor yesterday, I told her what was going on and she asked me a lot of questions trying to determine if I might be in a state of mind to do harm to myself or to others. I assured her that my religion precluded me from self-harm; my religion and my desire to be a good person preclude me from harming others. I have no interest in hurting anyone. I do not want to hurt myself either. The fact that I do not know how I can carry on does not change the fact that I do not plan to end it all. No, that is not how I am going to go. As bad as things are, I am hoping that I will come out of this into something better. That might take a long time, but it will get better.

    I had mentioned that my weight was up significantly yesterday from the previous day. Fortunately, that righted itself this morning; according to the bathroom scale I weigh the same today as I did Monday. I hope to do better today so that tomorrow morning that number goes down again. I know, hope is not a strategy. I will work to make sure that is the case.

    It has been five months since my housecleaner has been here, and she is coming over this afternoon. While the apartment is not a complete pigsty, I am looking forward to having her mop the floors and do a bunch of other things that I normally forget to do. I did not book her in anticipation of my buddy coming into town next week, it only worked out as a happy coincidence. There is so little happy in my life these days so I will take what I can get.

    I’ll see you all tomorrow.

  • Day 621

    After synchronizing my outing to the apps yesterday I had indeed completed the 1,023km challenge for the year. When writing my article yesterday I wrote that there were 18,951 others who had completed it so far. While that number (as of yesterday afternoon) had increased to 18,990, I was even further ahead, at 18,844th place. I was also vaulted to the top 9.16% of the roughly 206,000 people who are signed up for the challenge. I consider that a huge non-scale victory. I am also not planning on slowing down; Yes, this week is going to be very busy, and it is unlikely I will get out for exercise before the weekend.

    I did not have a very good day yesterday. Sometimes crap happens and you just have to do your best to take it and roll with it. I did not do a good job of that yesterday and I feel terrible about it. I have to remember to keep my cool at all times… even when – or maybe especially when – I feel I am being unfairly attacked and my blood is starting to boil. That is something I have worked on in the past and I think I am going to have to revisit those exercises.

    I woke up this morning expecting my weight to be up. I did not cheat yesterday. I had a very small portion of peanuts on my way home from the barber, and because of that I skipped my final meal replacement of the day; I did not think my weight would be up because of that, only as a corrective adjustment to the previous few days of massive drops. I returned home from California a week ago this evening and weighed myself the following morning; I am 5.4 lbs. down in less than a week, which is pretty massive. I followed my morning rituals as normal and when I stepped onto the bathroom scale, I was elated to see my weight was down once again. It was not the massive two-pound drop I have seen these last two days, but it was down nonetheless. I am happy that I continue to make progress.

    I will be teaching all day today, and it is another course that is new to me. I am not nearly as worried as I was a few weeks ago when I taught the new cybersecurity class, but I am still nervous. I am relieved though that I was able to get the labs to work this weekend. I am especially happy that I was able to find all of the pitfalls in the labs (there are many of them) and work my way through them so that I will be able to guide my students through them as they come up. Teaching cloud technologies that evolve at a much faster pace than do the training materials can be a challenge sometimes, but this time I am up to that challenge.

    I am not leaving the house today, save to take Her Floofness for a walk. Who knows though? My class ends around 4:30pm and I just might fit a good jog/walk in there in the early evening!

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 603

    I had a terrible day yesterday… and not only because of the bathroom scale. It was professionally a crappy day that was made worse by something that Leslie is going through as well. I cracked. For the first time in more than two weeks I fell off the program. Not only did I have some peanuts, but I also came home from picking up my prescriptions and made another omelette… and it was 9:00pm which means not only did I eat what I should not have, but I also ate when I should not have.

    By the grace of something I did not gain any weight this morning. I did not lose any weight either, but I am quite relieved that is stayed the same. I will try to do better today. I have nearly seven more hours of teaching before this dreaded class is over and I can turn off and prepare to light the candles to welcome the Sabbath… and the New Year. I swear I will not let professional petty garbage prevent me from decompressing and relaxing this evening and this weekend.

    Whether or not I buy a challah, or apples and honey, or anything else that might remind me it is a holy day, and which would help me to forget this dumpster fire… that is still to be determined.

    Have a great day folks… and Shana Tova uMevurechet uMetukah to all my Jewish readers.