Losing a part of me

Category: Emotions

  • Day 600!

    Holy wow! If you told me on January 20, 2022, that I would still be working at this nearly twenty months later I do not know if I would have believed you. If you had told me that twenty months later I would be at my best weight ever – nearly 150 lbs. down – then I would have been thrilled. Had you told me that it would take me 20 months to drop that weight, and that I would still be on the program… well, I do not know what I would have said. This has been a very challenging journey replete with struggles, hardships, and myriad ups and downs… not only with my weight but also my emotions.

    With that said, I was disappointed to see a huge jump on the bathroom scale this morning. I was disappointed to be back to (but not above) 250.0 lbs. after two days below it. Maybe I do need to exercise every single day in order to stay below that. It is also possible that the one cheat that I have been allowing myself during my two weeks of no cheating (a couple of ounces of the shredded cheese that is always on hand to put into my omelette can find their way into my mouth if I am truly struggling later in the day) is something that I can only allow myself when I have exercised.

    One thing that I should mention is that I have once again not moved my bowels for a couple of days, and that is probably a factor as well. I am not saying that if I had been successful this morning that my weight would not have been slightly up from yesterday, but it is possible that instead of a .8 lb. jump it might have been half of that. I have been adding fibre to my meal replacements sparingly because I remember what happened a few months ago; I am going to bite the bullet on that and will add a couple of teaspoons of it every day to try to induce some semblance of regularity. Last night I was feeling that I might have been able to poop successfully, but I was in bed, and I felt that if I might be able to then, I would definitely be able to the next morning. Wrong. Lesson learned: Going forward, go when the urge strikes.

    I mentioned to Leslie a couple of nights ago that I might consider taking my bathroom scale with me to California. Initially the idea was to help her, but as I struggle around these two major milestones (one of which I am still hoping to achieve by the time I get onto the plane a week from today) I am thinking that it would be a good idea for me as well. I have been saying that while we are in SoCal I will be more lax on my program than I have been these last few weeks; if I see the numbers up from the previous day I could adjust my eating accordingly. I have never in my life taken a bathroom scale with me on vacation (although I did take one with me when I moved to Japan, for all the good it did me). I have always been of the mindset that ‘I’m on vacation’ means that you can let yourself go and get back on track when you get home. I know now that I have used my mulligans; sure, I could do that… and then take two weeks to recover from whatever weight I might gain during the week. It would be a smarter plan to try to stay on track. I am not saying that I will stick to the program religiously, but I will also not be using the trip as an excuse to dive into large plates of deep-fried anything. I also know that Leslie does not want to stop her program, and it would be unfair to go nuts in front of her… or for that matter, even behind her back. It is settled then… as long as it can fit into my luggage, I will pack the bathroom scale and take it with me to California.

    The weather this morning was wet but not entirely miserable. It was raining a little but not terribly… not enough that Her Floofness would not go out for a bit of a walk at least. She spent the afternoon yesterday with her friend Charlie at the neighbour’s house, so she likely went out for a couple of extra walks. I am afraid that the neighbour is not working from home today so that will not be an option. In addition to this morning’s abridged walk, I am reasonably sure that we will be stepping out during my lunch hour. That is not a bad thing… it will be good to get some steps in on this, my second of five straight days when exercising will be impossible to fit in.

    My plan for the day is to not cheat at all. There will be no cheese. There was my omelette this morning, and there will be three meal replacements… as well as a pot of coffee and a lot of water. I do not mind running to the bathroom twelve times throughout the day; what I do mind is the thought that I might not drop back to my best weight ever over the next couple of days. At least I will have a relaxed evening on the balcony where I can video chat with my wife.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 593

    Fuck you, bathroom scale. Another day of staying true to the program, and another day of my weight going up. I have gained 1.2 lbs. in the last 48 hours despite staying true to the program. ARGH! With that, the number of days I weighed less than today jumps back from four to ten; this time it not only includes the six days in May, but also four days in September, as I have actually lost four days of progress… all while sticking to my program. This sucks!

    As I lay in bed last night, I had a thought that if my weight did go up again, I might need to give my plan another kick… possibly have breakfast and lunch for a day or two, and then go back to it. I don’t know if I am going to do that… but I am certainly not doing it today. I have tentative plans to take a buddy for lunch tomorrow to celebrate his birthday so I might do it tomorrow. As I told Leslie the other day when she was frustrated and wanted to quit: Okay… but not today; if you are going to quit then do it tomorrow. Never quit today. You (I) should never make these decisions in the heat of anger and frustration.

    I did not go for my exercise yesterday which might have been cause to not lose weight, but I still do not think I should have gained weight either. I had this incredible boost of wanting to be productive, and I was. I finished studying for the exam I needed to take to teach my class next week… and then I took the exam. I was thrilled with my results… with certification exams it rarely matters, but for this one you need to score at least an 80% to teach the class. I scored 90%. Yay! After that I took Her Floofness for a walk, but it was hot, so she did not want to spend a lot of time outside. We came home and I updated and edited my CV (it is always nice to add a senior certification to my credentials). I then prepared my introduction slide for the class I am teaching Thursday. While that might sound trivial, I teach a lot of different domains, and it would not make sense to include every credential I have for every class. This is an introduction to the Microsoft Cloud (specifically Azure) class, and it is the first Microsoft class I have delivered since May of last year. That is a real change for someone who used to teach Microsoft almost exclusively! In any event, after all that was done, I could have called it a day. I could have easily taken a cigar onto the balcony and watched TV or read my book the rest of the evening. NO! I put the slide decks for the Thursday class onto my iPad and took it onto the balcony to review. Yes, it is a very basic class… but it is also the first time I am teaching it in four years; it is also the first class I am delivering for a new training organisation, and I want to make a good impression. I will go further still. When I am finished with this article, I will go through all of the labs to make sure I am comfortable with them. I will knock the ball out of the park with this class!

    It is not yet 9:30am and I am ready to go. I will work straight through to 1:00pm, at which point I have a date with my wife. It will be another productive morning, and possibly even an afternoon to match it. We are in the middle of a heat wave (Canadian version of one anyways) so it is unlikely I will want to exercise midday; maybe when the heat wanes after 6:00pm I’ll hit the trails. We’ll see.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 527

    I finally got to see my new doctor yesterday . She is a nice woman and is happy that I have been able to do so well with my weight loss, and promised she will continue to monitor me on a regular basis as Dr. Yates did. We talked about the ground I lost and why, and she is satisfied that I know what I need to do to get back on track.

    I finally got to see my new doctor yesterday . She is a nice woman and is happy that I have been able to do so well with my weight loss, and promised she will continue to monitor me on a regular basis as Dr. Yates did. We talked about the ground I lost and why, and she is satisfied that I know what I need to do to get back on track.

    I did not get back on track with my food yesterday. It was a very stressful day and I will not go into details. I am glad that I was able to get out to exercise. I did a 2 km jog followed by a 9 km walk. It felt good to be back at it. I did not sleep well last night, and my body battery did not charge, so I will take today off. I am driving out to see if I got kids today, so it works out fine tomorrow I will try to get out for another jog. In the meantime, I hope that I can stay on track with my eating, and I will do my best to be good and disciplined while I am there.

    Today is Canada Day, and I am celebrating being a proud Canadian. Last night I sat on the balcony with a cigar and my noise cancelling earbuds in my ear so the fireworks did not affect me too badly. I hope I will be able to get through today and tomorrow as well as I did yesterday. Fireworks are not my friend. Fortunately, Princess Sophie! took good care of me and knew that I needed support.

    Have a great day folks!

    The Jetpack app is killing me as I try to write this so I am going to s

    I did not get back on track with food yesterday

  • Day 522

    The last few days were hard for me. Today will be a little better, and tomorrow better yet. That is the only thing I can aspire to. I want to get back onto the wagon. I am happy that I did not gain weight during Leslie’s two-week visit, but I do feel that I was doing much better and then lost ground these last few days. After I dropped her off at the airport I returned home to a slew of leftovers and a feeling of sadness that had the fridge calling me.

    The weather today will be the deciding factor on if I jog or not. It has been raining on and off all morning and is forecast to do so until just after 5:00pm, but if it is more of a drizzle then I might just suit up and brave it anyways. As we drove yesterday we were on a road that I have jogged a few times and I said to Leslie that I should jog there this week. I then realized we were far enough from home that it would require a nearly-10km loop to get there, and that I would be smart to lower my expectations of myself for my first week back at it. Last week I jogged a few times, doing two or three kilometres before slowing to a walk. If in the next few days I can get that up to a 5km run then I will be happy.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 521

    We spent a lovely day together knowing that it was going to end with my waving to her as she walked into the terminal at Pearson International Airport. That her flight was a couple hours late gave us a little more time together, but it is difficult saying goodbye to her… even if we will be together again in less than three weeks.

    Tomorrow I start exercising again.

  • Day 508

    Collecting Leslie from the airport yesterday was sheer bliss. Seeing her again after all this time was absolutely wonderful. Our long periods of separation are always forgotten once we are together, whether that be here in Canada or there in Texas. Billy Joel once wrote a song for a girlfriend (or wife) when he could not afford to buy her a present. It was called ‘You’re My Home,’ and that is exactly how I feel with her.

    It was my expectation that with what we ate yesterday I would not be making positive progress on my weight loss, and the best that I could hope for would be to stay the same. I took her for lunch at a Lebanese restaurant and had the same mixed shawarma plate that I would normally have… although I forgot to ask for no rice or potatoes, and so I did eat some of those. In the afternoon we went to Costco and on a whim, I saw a cauliflower pizza crust kit and asked if I should make that for dinner. We picked it up to give it a try. We also went to Fortino’s to buy a reasonable sized package of shredded cheese (and some other items we did not get from the bulk warehouse store). I prepared the pizza with the sauce that was included, shredded mozzarella as well as shredded cheddar, and (coincidentally) orange cauliflower which we found at the supermarket. It was delicious, and while neither of us are concerned about this factor, it was also gluten free.

    Between my walking Her Floofness (both in the morning and when we got home from shopping) and the walking around the stores my fitness watch registered a surprising 9,250 steps yesterday. I wonder if that might have contributed to my surprising three-pound drop in weight this morning. If so, then woohoo! I suspect though that it might have more to do with the fact that my portions, especially at dinner, were much more reasonable. I have little doubt that had I prepared that pizza for myself I would have eaten all of it. That is the main reason that I will not be doing that. As I discussed with my diet buddy yesterday morning I am still not fully in control of my urges, and I cannot trust myself to just eat. These next couple of weeks will be easier insofar as I feel that I would be embarrassed to gorge myself in front of my wife – or anyone, really. Just like alcoholics drink alone, I trust myself more when I am with her because of that… and because she will remind me when I am about to go too far. This is not her being a pest – I asked her to do this, and she does. I have hope that I might continue to lose weight this week… although not as much as I did in this one day.

    Today is the beginning of a very packed week for me. I am teaching from 9:30am until 6:00pm every day. Were that it, I would consider it a reasonable if full day. This evening I have my cigar sommelier class from 6-8:30, which is not work but it is an obligation. Fortunately it is one that my wife will be glad to sit through with me. Tuesday through Thursday I am teaching from 6:00pm-9:00pm, which means that those are eleven-and-a-half hour days. Those are the jammed ones! I will schedule 2-minute breaks in the morning, afternoon, and evening… as well as a one-hour lunch break. Even if I was alone, I do not think I would have the opportunity to cheat this week! Of course, as a food addict I am sure I would find a way if I lost my mindfulness and willpower. My goal is to not lose those… and if I falter one day, then to pick myself up and get back on track the next day… or even the next meal. I will stumble along the way; the quicker I am able to recover from that the better my chances of long-term success.

    It is raining out this morning and so Her Royal Floofness did not want to go outside. We stepped out quickly and she peed, but then she came right back inside. She then decided that she wanted to try the back of the building, because maybe it was not raining there. Unfortunately her optimism was not well placed, and she ran right to the covered patio of one of our neighbours (Walter’s mom). She sat there watching the rain and was not going to move from that spot. I was almost ready to pick her up and carry her around the building when the neighbour offered to let us sneak through her apartment. Fortunately the rain is forecast to stop around 4:00pm, and I’ll be able to take her out for a really good walk after the cigar class.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 479

    I started to write yesterday and I got distracted. For the first time in 252 days I did not post.

    Getting back on track is not easy. I keep trying to dig my feet into the groove, and I keep slipping. These last few days were terrible, and I do not know how to get back on track. My diet buddy is coming over this morning and I hope that she can help. Nothing else is.

  • Day 477

    I must have been distracted this morning because for the first time in memory I did not step onto the bathroom scale before getting dressed. Moreover, I did not even realize it until I had come in from walking Her Royal Floofness and was making my coffee. It is not the worst thing in the world of course, I will just have to remember to do it tomorrow.

    I ended up having a second meal last night. I made another salmon salad and felt terrible about it. I am going to have to start working on not feeling guilty about food. There has to be a fine line between awareness and mindfulness… and constant guilt. That is something I will speak to my therapist about… that meeting is next week.

    Tomorrow is the day I get back on track with exercising. I have to. In the meantime, after class I will go shopping to pick up something to eat. I will pick something small and plan to not overeat.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 476

    I walked into the doctor’s office yesterday knowing that I have gained weight. I was hoping that I would not have gained too much, and when I saw that I was 3.3kg heavier than I was a month ago I started making excuses to myself. 3.3kg (about 7.3 lbs.) is a lot of weight, but I usually get weighed in the morning… things like that. Well, last night I lay in bed thinking about it, and realized that give or take a pound, the numbers on my bathroom scale matched up with that… in the morning. What I should have been coming to terms with was not the discrepancies, but the trend, the stresses, and getting back to my normal life, normal routine, and losing the weight once again.

    With all that, I did not expect the numbers on the scale to be down significantly again today. After all, I ate (more than I should have), I snacked a bit, and I did not exercise. I also did not have a successful bowel movement (I have only had one in the past four days). When I stepped onto the bathroom scale (yes, it is still in my bedroom) I was fully expecting to be slightly up… not three pounds down. Yes, you read that right. I was truly surprised, and not unpleasantly so.

    I realize these last few weeks I have not been nearly so verbose as I usually am. I am sure that some of my readers will appreciate that. With that said, I am still writing every day. When I pressed the publish button on my article yesterday I received a notification that I am now on a 250-day streak. There have been a few days in there these last couple of weeks – especially around the wedding day – when I only posted a sentence or two, but that is enough for the WordPress platform. I hope that as I get back on track that I will be able to start sharing positive feelings and experiences again.

    As I sit at my desk preparing to welcome my students, I have already planned my meal (which I will prepare and enjoy right after class, which should have my meal done by 2:15pm). I thought for a minute about going to the store to pick up more chicken and lettuce. Instead I will open a can to make a salmon salad with onions and non-fat mayonnaise, and I will likely make a cucumber salad with the rest of that vegetable (and the rest of my onion). By not going to the store I avoid the temptations of buying… well, just about anything that could pull me in the wrong direction.

    I might go to Taekwondo this evening, depending on how I am feeling. On the one hand, the activity always makes me feel great. On the other, I have to be the senior belt in the room unless Master Sasha is in… and even if he is, I am still at least fifteen years older than he is, so seen as a senior… despite trying to not teach or guide the kids, sometimes it is hard to not do so. The last couple of days I have not felt up to that at all, and I might just stay on the balcony to have a blessed virtual date night with my wife.

    I am not going back on the full program today, but if I can contain my eating to what I said before – the canned salmon and the cucumber salad – then I should be able to get by without gaining tomorrow morning.

    Have a great day!

  • Day 475

    This morning’s two-pound drop from yesterday was a welcome sight. I had a meal a couple of hours after my root canal which consisted of chicken, sweet potato fries (air fried, of course), and salad. I probably ate around 4:00pm and did not eat anything after that… if you discount a couple of painkillers.

    I fell asleep on the balcony for a couple of hours which resulted in my being a bit chilled for the entire night. Oops! That wasted half of a very nice cigar, but not one that I will cry over. I suppose I was a little fatigued.

    This afternoon after my class is finished I have an appointment for a haircut, then with the doctor. This will likely be my first doctors visit in four months at which I do not register a drop in weight. I will probably have gained a couple of kilograms. Add to the fact that I am breaking my pattern of going in the morning (this is when he was available) and I am pretty sure that I will not be impressed with the numbers on my official weigh-in… but I am not going to stick my head in the sand and pretend that I do not know how it happened. I have been off-track these last few weeks, and I will see the results. I did better yesterday, and I will do better today. That is not to say that I am back on-track, only that I am trying to get there. One or two days does not a pattern make.

    I miss my wife. Every time we are apart it hurts. I realized this morning that I made a mistake on my countdown, which I thought had her flying in four weeks from today. In fact she is arriving in just under 32 days, which means I was off by four. It is painful, but it is the reality. I hope that by then I have well and truly gotten back on track. I know that with patience all will work out… I just hate the wait. I wish we could be together now and always.

    Okay, it is time for me to go get my haircut. Have a great day folks!