Losing a part of me

Category: Emotions

Day 472

It is Sunday morning. I am packed, I have a cup of coffee and I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast. Leslie is across the table from me enjoying her breakfast, and her son is on the floor watching his tablet. In less than an hour we will pack into the car for the dreaded trip to the airport. The countdown until she comes to Canada is thirty-one very long and lonely days. I hate leaving here. I hate packing my suitcase here. I hate getting out of the car at DFW knowing that I will walk into the terminal while Leslie drives home.

Yesterday I cheated (as I knew I would), and I paid the price for it, but not terribly. We took the boy to our favourite sushi restaurant (which we would normally have done together on my first night here, but that won’t be happening anymore). The boy and I went shopping for his mom’s birthday present, after which we went to an amazing Japanese ice cream and taiyaki shop, where I indulged in a soft serve ice cream with a pastry fish stuffed with red bean paste. Assuming everything else I ate yesterday was perfect (it was not), I was going to gain weight based solely on that. For dinner we had tamales that Leslie’s grandmother in Guatemala made (and that Leslie smuggled back into the US) with a Mexican rice dish. Everything was delicious. Despite not having dessert or drinks after dinner, My weight this morning was up 1.8 lbs., which means my grand total for the trip (since the morning I left Canada) is a loss of 1.2 lbs. While I always cheat on travel days, tomorrow I will be back on track, and hopefully by the time I go to see the doctor Wednesday afternoon I will be no more than 1-2 lbs. up from where I was my last visit. I am nearly six pounds heavier today than I was when I last weighed in nearly a month ago. Yes, there has been a lot of mitigating stress; I still know that I need to get back on track. My goal is to now lose at least fifteen pounds between now and Leslie’s visit, which is ambitious but doable. That would take me under the 250 lbs. milestone which I have no recollection of being since the Army.

The thunderstorms last night were gorgeous and calming. Leslie and I sat on the balcony as I smoked and we had a great conversation. I am going to miss being able to do that this next month. We’ll be back in the Rectangle Zone this evening, which really sucks. In the meantime I will be back on track, and I will focus on teaching… and next week on the course that I am starting to take Monday nights.

Have a great day folks!

May 7, 2023
Weight Loss Platitudes

In one of my support groups on Facebook, someone was sharing her fears about being around all of the temptations that will be in her house for the Super Bowl. Several of us gave her practical advice, and she will either follow it or not, but I am sure we all hope she will succeed.

One person posted: Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

I want to be clear that I feel that this statement is absolutely true, and that looking back on the 390 days of my depriving myself of all of the foods that I love, when I look at myself in pictures (not yet in the mirror) I really feel good about myself, and the only thing I would change is that I would have cheated less so that I could be further along my journey than I am. Skinny feels great! (At least, skinnier does… I have not felt skinny since I was in the Army.)

With that said, the original poster was sharing her fears and feelings about a real challenge, and not about a generalization. I wonder how helpful this very clever platitude will be when she comes face to face with pizza, wings, chips, beer, and sodas all over her house, and there for the taking.

There are so many of these platitudes out there and they are all true. I just wonder how helpful any of them actually are. Yes, we all know that weight loss is a marathon and not a sprint; we know that losing weight is hard and being fat is hard, so choose your hard. We have been told a thousand times to not eat our emotions, and that fat loss is a mental challenge rather than a physical one. Of course, we know that our desire to change must be greater than our desire to stay the same, and that we have to change our habits in order to change our bodies… and that if we have discipline, drive, and determination, then nothing is impossible. We are aware that we did not gain all of the weight in a day, so we should not expect to lose it in a day.

All of those statements are inspirational, and I think there is a place for each and every one of them. Weight loss is a mental challenge, and it is an emotional one. We cannot expect to help people with strictly practical advice, especially when they are feeling down or despondent or weak. We have to inspire their emotions and their mentality so that they can either stay on track, or too often get back on it.

We all respond differently to different situations. When I started the program the second time, my doctor was an Army veteran, so when I told him that I did not want him to blow smoke up my six, he understood that I needed the regimented discipline from him that he would have given his soldiers. He understood that I would not respond to the inspirational platitudes that so many of his patients needed to get ahead. Today I may feel a little different than I did then, but more often than not, I prefer concrete advice than inspirational quotes.

My wife has the unenviable task of trying to read my emotions and seeing if it is one of those rare times when I need the platitudes… or if she needs to be firm with me. Last night we were talking about ice cream (she loves a particular flavour that is only available in Canada) and I told her that I would have some in the house for her next visit… and that I might even have some in the freezer now. She told me that if I had gone out and bought ice cream that she would kick my butt… ice cream is one of my kryptonites, and she knows that having it in the house is a bad idea for me. If there was a pint in the freezer today, it would not be there by the time she comes next. More likely than not it would not still be there by Tuesday.

At the same time, there have been several days when I have been down about my lack of progress this last week. She has been supportive in reminding me how well I have been doing, how far I have come, and how weight loss is about the downward trend, and not the individual plots on the graph.

Leslie has learned (though a lot of difficult times) that there are times when I need her to be harsh with me, and there are times when I need her soft reassurances that I am doing well. I doubt that any dieter is all that different. So, when one of them comes out and says, ‘Oh my, I am disappointed that I have not lost weight this week!’ it is important to tell them that they are doing great, and to keep doing what they are doing, and the weight will come off. On the other hand, when someone says something like ‘This is what I have facing me today, and I am worried about how I am going to deal with it…’ then it is probably time for practical advice.

I have often said that weight loss is simple, but it is not easy. Putting aside for a moment that this too is a platitude, I am not really sure how true it really is. Yes, if you consume less foods (and even less of the wrong ones), and if you exercise, you will lose weight. However, that only addresses the physical… and if you are in prison or the military, it might be true because you are given the food that should help you to lose weight. It does not take into account all of the mental and emotional stress and anguish that we go through when we make the choices that face us every day. Here is what you need to eat in order to lose two pounds per week. Great. That does not cover the anguish and anxiety, and it does not necessarily stay at the front of mind when we are on the go during our busy week.

There is a place and time for platitudes… they truly can be inspirational. There is also a place and a time for practical advice. Knowing which is which is also not always easy.

February 12, 2023
Day 352

Once again, I did not veer from the program yesterday. Two meal replacements, one meal. Lots of water. I also drank more coffee than usual, but that has never really been a factor…. especially since I finished my last cup before 2:00pm.

Once again, despite all of that, the bathroom scale reading this morning was up… by more than a pound.

I am not happy with this damned plateau. If the rest of my life was going smoothly then maybe I would be less concerned, but it is not. I am having a hard time of it, and I wish at least when I stick to the program that I could see some damned progress.

I am not sleeping well, which is mostly due to the emotional turmoil that is my life right now. I really wish things could be simpler, but that is not in the cards.

I have a few errands to run today, and on my way home I will go to the supermarket to pick up some vegetables and challah for this evening’s Sabbath blessings. Unless there is a drastic shift in the way something is going, I do not expect that the peace and joy that I pray for will be come. I hope at least it will come for the others that I pray for.

Have a great day folks.

January 6, 2023
Day 351

For the second time in four days, my bathroom scale registered me below the 303 lbs. mark – my previous best weight yet. Monday it took three or four tries, including moving the scale twice for that to happen. This morning it just happened. I stepped onto the scale, and it read 302 lbs. While I am satisfied with the downward movement either way, I am really happy to see that after a few days of sticking to my meal plan and going to the gym that I am finally through that barrier which I first hit November 11.

Yes, I went to the gym again yesterday. I am trying to get into the habit of going at least four times per week. I know, it is the first week of the year and everyone is making that resolution. As I wrote over the last few days, this is not a New Years resolution, rather something I started a few weeks ago but am trying to make a habit. Not only do I want to get back into shape, I also want to prove to myself that gym memberships are not a waste of money. In 2019, my then-girlfriend and I joined a gym, and I went a few times… but not too often. They were closed for nearly a year due to COVID-19, but it took until September of 2021 for me to cancel the membership (although not for lack of trying… they did not make it easy). I like going to the gym; I enjoy that feeling of accomplishment. I enjoy the pain of lifting weights, although I am not going to compete with either myself or with others. I enjoy that I am getting to the gym and doing my stretches for twenty minutes before hitting the machines… although I am not doing the complicated stretches that Kezi tried to get me to do, rather things I would do for Taekwondo. Following forty-five minutes on the weight machines, I enjoy getting on the treadmill for twenty minutes. And yes, I enjoy the aches that I feel the next day (and the day after that) which tell me that I am working my overweight and out-of-shape body back into what I want it to be. Will I go today? That depends on a number of factors, not the least of which is that I am meeting a friend north of Toronto for coffee and possibly lunch, and I do not know what time I will be back on this side of the megalopolis. I am, however, taking clean socks and underwear (and a t-shirt) down to the car with me… my gym still has a clean pair of shorts in it, as well as my runners, shower-shoes, and sundries bag.

Before I hit the highway, I will drop my new prescription off at the pharmacy. I know the last time I did I was completely disappointed by the lack of professionalism shown there, but I also know that it was the week before Christmas, and I assume the entirety of Burlington was trying to fill their prescriptions before leaving on vacation. I also have to fill my gas tank; there is an industry analyst who predicts with incredible accuracy the price trends at the pumps, and earlier this week I heard him on the radio predicting that the prices would drop Thursday. My tank is not on empty yet, but I doubt I would get to Aurora and back without filling up. I am not sure if it is the ADHD medications (or possibly the increased dosage) that is giving me the foresight to plan these things, but I know they have to get done one way or another.

Whether I get to the gym or not, I have to be back at my computer at 5:30pm to start my class at 6:00pm. While based on the last few sessions I can surmise that I will sit alone in the virtual classroom until 5:55pm, I like to be ready thirty minutes early every time, for every session of every class. In some of my contracts it is actually written in as a requirement, but even for the ones that it is not, it is a good practice as an instructor to let students know that you are consistent, available, and professional. I also should test my system for the class that I will be delivering starting Monday, for a different training centre, using a completely different delivery mechanism. I will make sure my system has their proper software installed. Additionally, I will change from my casual shirt that I will wear during the day into a button-down shirt, and possibly a tie, for this evening’s class. I like to look professional… and now that I have lost as much weight as I have, I fit into my nicer button-down shirts so I can look a little better. This is not about conceit, rather about projecting an air of professionalism.

It occurs to me that today is Thursday, and I am supposed to have my check-in with my diet buddy. It is scheduled for 5:30, but I will ask her if we can push it up to 5:00pm, which means we will finish in time for me to join my class. I know she was having a hard time last week, and I want to be there for her as I promised I would be. It is also nice to be able to kvell that after two months, I am back in best-weight-yet territory!

I am going through some things right now that I am not discussing in my journal. Emotionally, I have been on a roller coaster these last six weeks. The fact that I am still writing, still trying to maintain my weight loss progress, and actually below my previous best weight… these are all testimony that I can be strong in the face of hard times. Yesterday, that roller coaster hit another terrible bump, and I am not sure how long I will be able to endure. I am hoping that if I hold on, if I hold myself together, if I continue to show that I am stronger than even I thought I was, then maybe at some point in the unseen distance, the tracks will smooth out, and the ride will return to being enjoyable. I only wish… well, I suppose if I was to write about it then I would have to write about it. All I can say is that despite whatever crap may come my way, I need to succeed with my weight management and losing weight and getting back into shape. A week from today I will meet with my therapist; I hope that by then I am able to put into words what I am feeling… and where I sadly think this ride will end.

It is time for me to hit the road. The GTA is a very large city, and it will take me an hour to get to Aurora. Have a great day folks!

January 5, 2023
Day 326

I have to remain strong today. Yesterday went almost identically to Friday, with the exception of the challah – there was none. I was down below 305 lbs., but now it is time to get serious. We are ten days from New Years Eve; if I am going to achieve my 100-pound loss in the year 2022, I have to lose just about one pound per day between now and then. It will be tough.

Today is the first snowy day of the season. It is not the first time we have seen snow, which did happen a few times in November. Rather, it was the first time we woke up to significant accumulation outside. The cars are covered, the streets and sidewalks and lawns are equally white. Princess Sophie, never a fan of precipitation, was not impressed. I could not coax her beyond the grassy area just outside the door, where she did her business quickly before turning around and heading right back inside. I know that when Charlie goes out later she will be more willing to venture further, but alone she was having none of it. All this to say that if I want to get any exercise today, I will be heading to the gym… which was part of my plan anyways.

I am still down. I do not want to document here why I am down but suffice it to say that I really hope that the therapist I reached out to is able to fit me into her schedule. I know that I cannot fix me without outside help. I only hope that I can get that help without waiting too long, which might have consequences. I am thinking that is she does not get back to me by then, I will ask my doctor for another recommendation the next time I see him, which will be in ten days.

I am going to spend a little time studying before heading to the gym. My original plan was to stay home so as to avoid external temptations, but I think the gym is a smart move. I will go after lunch, which means that I will not be tempted to stop along the way… and that I will have energy stored in my body from the meal. No, there will not be any carbohydrates in my lunch, but I am not going to do anything severe enough to need them. I will start slow.

Have a great day folks!

December 11, 2022
Day 323

The last few days have been among the hardest emotionally in recent memory. I am hoping that today I will start to feel a little better. As I keep saying to myself (and to a couple of others), I will continue to put one foot in front of the other. There is really no other way for me to go forward. I am hoping that today will be the day that I do not feel as bad about myself, and that my mood starts to improve.

My weight on the bathroom scale reflects somewhat better than my recent mood and fatalism my dedication to losing weight. To read my journal, to read my Facebook, it would be easy to extrapolate that my weight would be up five pounds this week. In fact, according to my bathroom scale (not the most trustworthy of sources, but mostly a good indicator of progress and trends) my weight is actually down from last Thursday. It has not been a direct line down, but it is in fact down. I have had many reasons to give up this week; the fact that I have not thrown in the towel is not only the greatest indicator that I am serious and dedicated to eventually attaining my goals, but it is also a testament to the fact that I know that whatever external forces or resources or supports I usually rely on, there is only one person and one person only who is responsible for my success, and to whom I am ultimately answerable.

I remember one time, some twenty years ago, when I was trying to lose weight. I would eat things that I should not have, and for reasons that confound reason I figured that if nobody else knew about my cheating then it was okay. Again, whatever external influences I might have, there is no connection between what I tell others and whether I succeed or fail. By that rationale: If I am lying: if I tell people that I am going out to splurge on pizza and wings with a pitcher of beer, when in fact I am going home to have a meal replacement shake and another bottle of water, then I will continue to lose weight. On the other hand, if I tell people that I am sticking to my program, yet I am really splurging on whatever culinary indulgences that I might, then I will continue to gain weight. My body is as illiterate as it is deaf, and it cannot be fooled by words, whether spoken or written down. Put another way: the only factors that my body cares about with regard to my weight loss is my actual food intake and my actual physical activity. ‘Hey, I walked five miles!’ Those words mean nothing to my body. Walking five miles matters.

I had to point out to someone yesterday that I write this journal for myself, and not for anyone else. Why do I write it for myself? I write because it allows me to check in, on a daily basis, what I have done right and what I have done wrong on any given day, which means that I can look back to any given week to see what worked and what did not… as well as how my emotions and other external factors might affect my weight loss. If that is the case, why do I share? I share because when I do well, I can inspire others… and when I fail, I can show people the truth of the old Japanese proverb about falling down and getting up. Yes, I fail… but I do not give up. Am I an inspiration to others? I do not know. Are my successful days an inspiration to myself? I hope so; I also hope that my unsuccessful days are a reminder to myself that I need to work harder and to do better.

The plans for today are simple. I have been asked by a potential customer in Montreal to translate my curriculum vitae into French, and that will take up a few hours. Yes, I speak and write French… but writing it (and especially translating it) is not my strongest skill. I have to continue downloading videos of a class that I sat a few months ago, which I want to re-watch (or continue to re-watch) so that I can pass the exam. That is a much more drawn-out process than you might think… the videos are not shared in a downloadable format. I have to stream them (real time) and record them. In other words, the sixty hours of video will take sixty hours to download… and the ones that I recorded over the last couple of days corrupted, so I have to start from zero today. I have some studying to do for another certification I plan to take, as well as looking into passing an exam that I do not think I will need to study for. I have been told by two training brokers that I will be hearing from two different customers for interviews and to present demo teaches, which is easy for me… but depending on the asks of the customers must be prepared in advance. Okay, that’s long and drawn out, but relatively simple.

In short, I have a lot of things to do today… and while they are all time consuming, none of them are particularly difficult. I am glad for this because the only saying about idle hands and devils are true… the busier I am, the less likely I am to fall off my wagon. Busy days are good. Tomorrow will be a little more challenging – Eduardo and I will be getting together to watch the World Cup and will likely be going to a bar to watch the second match (Argentina vs. Netherlands). The first match (Brazil vs. Croatia) is also an interesting match-up, but the bars around us do not open in time for the start. As a long-time Argentina supporter, the second match is the one I will be cheering, so when Eduardo suggested going to a bar, I agreed. That does not mean that I will be cheating. I have found that it is easier to not cheat when it is obvious – hey, I should not order beer or wings. I am more likely to cheat when it is subtle… there is a bowl of peanuts pretzels or whatever, so having a few won’t matter. My goal: DO NOT CHEAT.

If all goes well, I might go to the gym this afternoon… as long as I get all of my work done. Remember, I do not need to be sitting and watching the video streaming in order to capture it, so it is only the other things that I need to get done. I will work on them… and I will work on trying to get back into the gym today. I also have my check-in call with my diet buddy today… I have

Have a great day folks!

December 8, 2022
Day 320

My emotions are getting worse. As I try to do better, things keep getting harder for me. This includes but is not limited to my weight loss. It is harder for me to put on a brave and happy face for my friends, and I think they are starting to worry. They cannot help me, I have to help myself, or rather, I have to get help from a professional who can guide me through the process of getting better. I need someone who will call me on crap and hold me accountable; I need someone who will make me accept hard realities and to face them. I hope I have the courage to accept these realities… and to fix as much as I can.

I arrived at my friend’s house in Cambridge yesterday without the means to make a meal replacement. I indulged in the sort of junk foods that I know are going to make me gain weight immediately. Of course, that is exactly what happened. This morning I am heavier than I am. If I am to achieve my goal of losing one hundred pounds in 2022, I need to lose fifteen pounds in the next twenty-five days. Is that achievable? Yes. Is it as realistic today as it was three weeks ago? No.

I hate getting it wrong. I am not talking about weight loss, or at least not exclusively about that. Every time I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, I wonder how it happened. There was a time in my life when I would do what I wanted to do, whether I knew it to be wrong or not. That is not the case now. I keep trying to do right, and I keep failing. Things that I think are right, okay, and acceptable are coming back to bite me… hard. I wonder though how come it is okay to be punished for trying to do right? I am willing to learn. I am trying to improve. I am starting to wonder if that is good enough… and if I can ever be good enough.

In a few moments I will drive to my friend’s house to watch the World Cup, and I will try again to put on a happy face. I am not happy. I don’t think that matters to anyone anymore. Even the act of putting on a happy façade is held against me. Hey look! Autocorrect actually put a cedilla under the c.

Have a great day folks.

December 5, 2022
Day 270

I am sitting at the airport, drinking a cup of coffee, waiting to board my flight to Canada. It is getting harder and harder to say that I am going home, when my wife drops me off at the airport, and I am leaving her… She is my home. I know that until the US State Department says I can, I cannot really call Dallas home. That does not change where my heart lies… it is here, with my beautiful wife. I should be going to bed with her, waking up with her, eating with her… every day. We should be getting into each other’s way and getting annoyed and making up. We should be able to look at each other across the room… we should be able to touch each other. We should be able to do all of this without smartphones. When will that be? I think the best optimistic guess is that the coming winter might be my last one in Canada… but there is a good chance that this one will not be my last autumn in the country of my birth.

I know what you are probably thinking. You have to ask, ‘Mitch, how can you be looking forward to living far from your children?’ The simple answer is that they live with their mother, and I get to see my son the younger for a few hours every couple of weeks, and my son the elder… at his whim and convenience. It was hard to live so far from them during Covid, when I was living in California and not able to visit Canada. It was hard, but I endured. They can come to visit anytime they want, and I will be able to come to see them as well… and I will, on a fairly regular basis. I will be able to chat with them and keep up with them every week, but that is again at their whim… which seems to not be very often. My wife, on the other hand, wants to be with me… and if I talk to my kids and don’t hug them it is hard, but to not be able to touch to hold to kiss my wife is not what either of us signed up for.

My weight bumped up this morning, but only by .2lbs… what pollsters would refer to as within the margin of error. I was good yesterday, save for dinner – and a late dinner at that. We went for sushi, which meant a lot of rice. I also had mochi ice cream for dessert, which I know I should not have done. The fact that my weight essentially stayed the same is not really a surprise. Today is a travel day, so I might eat properly all day and still gain two pounds tomorrow… or eat like a chazer and lose a pound. I am going to do my best to eat properly, and whatever the scale says tomorrow morning I will take with a grain of salt.

My son the elder is picking me up from the airport, and it will be great to see him. I am sure he will ask, and I will gladly pay for his gas. I will pay him what I would pay for an Uber, and I will get to spend some time with my son. Depending on the timing, I might ask him to take me to the store to buy food for dinner, but that is a big if. We will see how it goes. I am scheduled to land at 4:30pm, which means that between Customs and Immigration and waiting on my suitcase, I can optimistically hope to be in his car by 6:00pm, and home at 6:45pm. If we stop along the way, then we add 15 minutes to that. If we do not, then I still have to go shopping, as I have been gone nearly a month, and have nothing to eat in the house.

I did do something smart when packing my kit this time. I have two meal replacement bars that I will have access to in my carry-on bag. Actually, I have several dozen of them, if we count both bags… but two is the maximum that I will need. That means that I will not need to ask for the extra cookies when the flight attendant comes around. The plane will board in 45 minutes, and I expect that I should be okay until then. I might have a meal replacement at the beginning of the flight, and another at the end… but that should tide me over. If all goes well, dinner will be late, but it will be my regular homemade chicken with a side salad.

I am working this week! I have a week-long class that I am delivering, which I did not expect… and which will provide much needed income. I do not mean to say that I am going broke, but I am glad to be earning money. I also have a contract that starts in December, for a training centre that I worked with over the summer. It is always a good sign when companies ask for me by name. I love knowing that they were happy enough with my delivery the last time to ask me back. There are far too many trainers out there who can deliver the courses that I do, and I know that a lot of them will work for a lot less money than I do. The only way to keep working is to keep reminding them that I really am pretty good at what I do.

Leslie laughed at me last night as I was packing. I came down to Dallas nearly a month ago, with a suitcase that was overflowing with groceries – treats for Leslie and her son. Between that, and the clothes that I planned to leave at her house (the summer is over, and I doubt there will be many days in mid-October when I can comfortably wear shorts in Canada), I expected to leave Dallas with a half-empty suitcase. What I neglected to consider was that I was bringing home a lot of meal replacements (which take up a lot more room in my suitcase than you might think), two boxes and two bags of cigars, my sports jacket and shirts and pants (which I am hoping will not fit my lithe frame by my next visit in January), and a bunch of other stuff that I picked up… both here and in California. Had I been flying back to Canada with the same luggage that I came with, I would have been overstuffed, and would have had to borrow a suitcase from Leslie. Fortunately, I had loaned her my large carry-on bag a few months ago, which needed to be fixed (which I took care of at the beginning of this trip, and which was now ready to fly). It is full, nearly completely with meal replacements. To quote the Bard: all’s well that ends well.

While I do not enjoy it, I am always less stressed leaving the USA than entering it. The USA might one day refuse me entry. The worst that Canada can do is charge me duties for whatever I bring back, and I do not think I have anything to interest them – I am ten cigars over my limit, and they are not expensive cigars. Even so, it is always a relief to get through airport security without secondary screening. To be sitting in the terminal, even when I have a long wait, is a lot less stressful when I know I am going back to the country of my birth.

It was raining this morning in Dallas. Yesterday was gorgeous and hot, but it is also the last such day I will experience until… well, I don’t know when. It is easy to think that Texas is warm or hot all year round, but I know that is not the case. The ten-day forecast for Burlington, Ontario shows two days with high temperatures at or over 65° Fahrenheit, with four days at or below 50° Fahrenheit. It will only be getting cooler and then colder. I am not sure what walking is going to be like this week, but it is almost time for me to join a gym if I plan to keep my exercise routine going… and I do!

It is almost time to board, so I am going to walk over to the gate. Have a great day folks!

October 16, 2022
Day 269

Yesterday went exactly as I expected that it would. I had a meal replacement shake for breakfast, leftover Mexican food for lunch, and Italian food for dinner. The only real cheat in there was the dessert that my wife and I shared… a decadent piece of cake with a canoli on top (which she insisted I have). It was only because of that I was concerned that when I got onto the scale this morning I might be disappointed… but I was not. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised. Wednesday I was in best-ever territory, before giving back a little over 1.5lbs over the next couple of days. I am back to within .2lbs of where I was, and that is a good feeling.

As we were getting dressed for the event yesterday, I decided to try to put on one of the new belts that I bought last month, which did not come close to fitting then. It was tight, but I was able to wear it. I am calling that another huge non-scale victory. I doubt it will fit with every pair of pants that I own, but if it works with some then I am happy by the minor progress.

Another victory, and it is partially connected to the scale, is that my Body Mass Index (BMI) is under 40. In fact, it has, over the past two weeks, registered under 40 on five days, not surprisingly the five days when my weight was at or under 311lbs. The best that it has ever been was 33.4 on September 27, 2020… my best day from my last weight loss journey. It is disheartening to realize that even with all of my progress this time around, I am still fifty pounds heavier that I was then, and that it might take me another five months to get there.

I know that weight loss is a marathon and not a sprint, and there is no healthy (and non-surgical) way to lose weight quickly. I just wish I thought I could do the full program completely (meal replacements only, no food at all) for a couple of months and drop it all… but I do not think I would be able to do it. I am worried that I would, as I always have, fallen off the wagon… hard. No, slow and steady is my best course to long-term success. I know that, and I plan to follow that… I just don’t have to be happy about that.

Our plans for today have changed. We were originally going to drive out to Cigars International again for the event, but after yesterday’s Davidoff event (which was a real bust), we decided to stay closer to home. I am a member of a cigar lounge that is a five-minute drive from the house, and we will have just as good a time on the patio there as we would on the patio of the lounge at CI, which is a bit of a schlep. The staff told us what we could expect from the Oliva event today, and frankly there is nothing that will tempt me. Had we gone out there, we would have had to buy a couple of boxes of cigars to make it worth our while, and truthfully, I don’t mind spending the day at Addison. It is just more of a homey feeling to it.

My goal for today is to relax with a few cigars, and to eat reasonably smart. I had a meal replacement for breakfast; we might have salads for lunch, but that will be up to Leslie. Dinner tonight will be our last dinner together for this trip, which is sad… but at least we know that in just over a month, she will be coming to Canada for ten days. With that said, I am not looking forward to flying back to Canada tomorrow.

Have a great day folks!

October 15, 2022
Day 185

How appropriate is it that the morning after getting a kick in the teeth message, I wake up to find I have gained weight? Okay, I know… I have lost 11.5-pounds in twelve days, and it is not only unreasonable, but also unrealistic to believe that my weight will be down every single day. The weight gain was only .4 lbs, but the psychological effect of being back above (well… at) the decade I cleared yesterday is real.

With regard to the message, it was about Taekwondo. The Master told me he is going on vacation for a couple of weeks, so I will not be able to go back to the school until the second week of August. Yes, there was a lot more to it than that, otherwise it would not have been so painful. I am just not going into details here.

Leslie gave me good advice. She advised that I could get down about that, or I could continue to focus on what has been working very well for me – the walking routine. She also suggested that I start working on my Taekwondo patterns on my own, which is a very good suggestion, and something that someone at my level should have no issues with. Yes, I will have to find some videos to remind myself of them; fortunately, my muscle memory will kick in. It would not take me too long to remember all of the patterns that I need…

So yes, that last paragraph sent me down a rabbit hole on web surfing, culminating in my renewing my web account for the Kukkiwon, the World Taekwondo Headquarters. It is not always easy to find (or confirm what the testing requirements are for a mid-level Black Belt, and I wanted to see if I could get a list of every poomsae (pattern) that I have had to learn so far. The list as stated is not actually available online, owing to the different testing requirements of different organizations. So I went back into my own files and found this list of poomsae that I have learned for testing over the years:

· Taegeuk 1-8

· Dae Mang 1-8

· Koryo

· Chulgi 1 & 2

· Balsek

· Keum Ga

· Pal Ban Moo

· San Gook Kwan

· Ship Su

Most, but not all of these are official Kukkiwon poomsae, but I know I will never be called upon to perform Dae Mang or Pal Ban Moo again… unless I decide to rejoin OMAC (Oriental Martial Arts College) again, which I do not expect will happen.

When I was living in California, I studied at a school called JK Lim, where I learned Taebaek, which is the pattern that I will be required to perform to test for my next belt. Additionally, I will have to be able to perform Taegeuk 1-8, Koryo, and Geumgang. All in all, I will need to re-learn eleven poomsae, all of which I used to know like the back of my hand. Those are the patterns requirements for testing for my 4^th Dan. Additionally, I will have to write an essay on Taekwondo, which is not something new to me. On, and I will also have to break four slabs of concrete with my bare hands. Anyone who doubts the level of intimidation contained in the previous statement might have never tried to break a 1.5” slab of concrete with their bare hands before… let alone four of them.

First things first! I am not ready to test; following a promotion, a Black Belt must wait a certain time to test again. I am not sure whether the wait to test from Third Dan to Fourth Dan is a three-year or a four-year wait, but the date on my current promotion certificate is September 7, 2019… which means that if the wait is three years, I would be eligible in about six weeks. There is a huge difference between eligible and ready, and I am not going to play fast and loose with the second one. I will test when I am ready to wow myself… not simply when I think I can adequately meet the minimum requirements for testing. That includes getting into shape. Yes, I am currently sixty pounds lighter than I was in January; that does not mean that I am in shape.

Getting into shape starts with losing weight, and I am really working on that. Once again, I followed the program perfectly yesterday. I was tempted to have a bag of popcorn, but I abstained. I later realized that I do not have popcorn in the house, so that would have been a non-issue. I then thought about having a Japanese biscuit… a little something sweet to welcome in the Sabbath. I did not do that either. While it was not reflected on the bathroom scale this morning, I stuck to the program again. That is my plan for today as well.

By the time I click ‘Save’ on this entry, it will be nearly noon. Princess Sophie is on a play-date, and I am going to go for my walk. I do not know how long it will be, but if my legs don’t ache too bad in the first ten minutes, I would like to aim for 7-8km. I am going to wear the socks I have been used to wearing instead of those extra-thick socks I wore yesterday. I want to wear the Adidas shoes that are currently my favourites, and they simply did not fit over the thicker socks.

For when I am back (and showered), I am marinating a piece of salmon for my main meal. I do not know where I got the calorie count for the fish I ate the other day (which I wrote in my journal as nearly 600 calories, but when I look now seems to be closer to 1000 calories!) but it looks like I was wrong, so I will have to be more cognizant of the size of the pieces I buy going forward. The piece I bought for today is 400g, which depending on the site you look at is between 600 and 850 calories. Yes, I am going to enjoy it today, but yes, I am going to start buying smaller portions of fish.

My emotions are still doing terrible, but I am forcing myself to stay on track with my diet and exercise. If I can get through it all, I might come out the other side… and when things are better in my life, the work that I am putting in now might by then be habits that I will be able to continue. I am crossing my fingers (not really a Jewish thing…) that will be the case.

Have a great day folks!

July 23, 2022