Losing a part of me

Category: Family

  • Day 1242

    As planned, I spent the afternoon with one friend, then the evening with a group of buddies and brothers from my Lodge (and some of their families). It was a cross between a nice distraction and a horrible reminder of what I am going through. I need to get past the worst of my issues before I can move forward. My weight is the least of my concerns. The complete absence of joy and happiness from my life is what I need to address.

    While my sleep score was down below 70 again last night (to a 69) I was nonetheless able to get 7.5 hours of sleep, which is important because while I might need more, I had been getting much less. I likely would have snuck another thirty minutes in had Princess Sophie not insisted on going out again last night when I came home… but she was good enough to make it clear that she wanted to go out, and I try to be a good enough doggie daddy to listen.

    Speaking of being a daddy, there is another reason I am in the dumps. I have not heard from my children today… some Father’s Day.

    Have a great day folks… I likely won’t.

  • Day 1113

    All of the stress and anxiety that led up to today led to… one single incorrect sheet of paper that was not properly formatted (by a third-party). I was up at 4:20am to be in downtown Montreal in plenty of time for my interview; I had breakfast and then waited in line, and when I got to the clerk, she told me that I would need to get that paper corrected and then make another appointment to come back. I was not happy. The stress and anxiety shall continue… but at least I had a few of my questions answered.

    Obviously, my sleep score was lousy, what with my teaching until 10:30pm last night and then needing to decompress, and then eventually recorded 3:51 of actual sleep, and a commentary of ‘short, poor recovery.’ No kidding. When I finished at the cemetery, I came back to where I am staying, answered some emails, arranged my appointment, and then took a nap. I did not sleep much, but I did rest for two hours.

    I made an appointment for tomorrow to redo what needs to be redone, but in the meantime, I am going to have an early dinner with my friends and then I will drive home tonight instead of tomorrow during the day. This so that I could take the appointment with them for tomorrow afternoon.

    Despite the -12 temperatures and having to slog through (and stand in) seven inches of snow to do so, I visited my father’s grave site and had a cigar while I spoke to him. I miss him so much.

    Have a great day folks.

  • Day 1073

    Yesterday was my big event. A few weeks ago, at Lodge a couple of the brethren expressed interest in the Jewish festival Chanukah, and I got the idea of inviting a few of them to light candles together. When I discussed the idea with the other Jewish member of the Lodge, the idea blossomed into an evening at his house. With twenty-five people in attendance, I was excited to deliver the presentation that I put together, which turned into a seven page, fifteen-minute talk. It was very well received, and a good time was had by all.

    The host is an East-Indian Jew, and so that was the theme of the food. Before everyone else arrived, he showed me which dishes I would be able to eat (butter chicken made with cashew butter so that it was kosher), some of which came home with me as leftovers. Everything was absolutely delicious, and I felt like I was bursting at the seams. The only concession I made to being cognizant of my diet was opting to cut a sufganiya (traditional jelly doughnut) in half rather than eating a whole one.

    I was convinced that this morning I would not see any progress on the bathroom scale, despite the disastrous number I saw yesterday. No, I was quite pleased by the drop. I did not lose all of the four pounds I had gained the previous day, but I did shed most of it. I am still above the terrible mark, but not nearly as badly as it could have been… or was yesterday.

    My original plan was to resume my program on the first of January. This morning my friends who had invited me for New Years Eve informed me they had to cancel, and so I will be staying home and enjoying a cigar date with my wife to ring in 2025. This means that with regards to food overindulgence, my holidays are over. Well, almost… tomorrow evening I will spend with my sons, and I expect they will have some goodies to share. But that’s it. I have some leftovers in the fridge, but that’s it. I can breathe a sigh of relief, and hopefully get back on track a bit earlier.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1060

    I was not nearly as disciplined as I needed to be last night, and because of that I am much closer to that horrible mark than I should be. Why is it that after doing well for just a few days I fall off the cliff and cannot stay disciplined?

    Tomorrow is the first day of the week-long class that I am sitting for my next certification that I hope to earn. I will have to be at my computer from 8:30-5:30 every day, so if I do not go shopping and buy any cheats then the only opportunity I will have to cheat badly is at the Lodge’s holiday party Tuesday evening. I will get through it. In the meantime, today’s challenge will begin with taking my son the younger for lunch… most likely to his favourite Lone Star Texas Grill, which means that I will either not eat, or I will be very careful. It is easy to do there because I know that the slightest misstep will cost me. After that, I am going back to their house to work on his computer. It is amusing for me to see my fourteen-year-old son hacking his way through a computer that I am monitoring.

    (Six hours later)

    I am back from lunch, and a lengthy conversation with my ex-wife. We had some issues regarding both of our sons to discuss. Additionally, it seems that some time ago she had DNA profiling done on her and our son the younger. I assume she had it done for our son the elder as well, but as he and I do not share DNA it was not discussed. It came as no surprise that Gilad was just short of 50% Ashkenazi Jew… although there was also a trace (on his father’s side) of Mizrachi, Sephardi, and Georgian Jewish as well. While I cannot say for certain that this is proof that my ancestors were all faithful, it shows that if they did stray then they did so with other Jews.

    The conversation about our son’s computer was interesting. I let her know that children are able to circumvent just about any security that we put on their computers. Knowing that, it is no different than the adversarial side: if the easiest way to hack a system is through social engineering, then that can also be the best way to defend against misuse. During our lunch I let my son know that I can see everything that he does on the computer, and his level of embarrassment shot up to a nine. He promised that he would stop doing what he had been doing while he is supposed to be studying (or when he is in class). As for my ex-wife’s concerns about ‘what is becoming of our little boy’ I reassured her that everything he is doing is perfectly normal and is the 2024 equivalent of when we would sneak out as teens. At least with what he is doing online I can monitor it and keep him safe.

    I may have gotten out of Lone Star Texas Grill without cheating, but when my ex offered me a cookie that she and our son the elder made (and was quite insistent) I could hardly say no. Fortunately I was able to stick to a single cookie. I came home and prepared chicken and salad for lunch. I am letting it digest for a bit, but in the next thirty-minutes (or so) I will be getting onto the treadmill. My current step-count is just shy of 4,000, and yes today is Day 16… I need to hit 11,140 steps before midnight to extend my steps-goal streak to sixteen days which will tie my streak from April last year. If I tie it today, then I can beat it tomorrow… but if I do not then I would have to start over at the beginning.

    On the subject of the steps-goal, I cheated yesterday. No, I did not put my fitness watch into the clothes dryer. What I did was this: I hit my steps-goal before going to the party… and I took my fitness watch off for the evening. I did not want to record 15,000 steps yesterday… that would have adjusted my steps-goal for today way up. As it stands, my daily goal is 11,140 steps, and that is doable… but not easy. I have been having trouble keeping my pace these last few days, so I have slowed to a walk. I do not want to do that today… but I am currently a bit over 7,000 steps from hitting my goal (about 7km) and I would rather reach that goal at a slower pace than miss it at a faster one.

    My body battery was up to a 75 this morning after a sleep score of 83. Neither of those is bad, but I wish I could consistently do better. I might have to research how to do that.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1025

    I messed up the numbers yesterday and posted my second Day 1023 in a row. I have gone back and corrected that.

    My weight is up again this morning, and it is above that terrible mark. I am beginning to think that there is no way for me to stay below it without intense exercise. No matter what pain I may be in, this afternoon after I have lunch with my son I will be brushing off the old treadmill. It is chilly and rainy outside today, and I think an indoor workout is the right way to go.

    My knee has been in pain all week and I am almost angry because I take meds for gout every day… so how can gout keep flaring up? It is not as if my diet is so rich that it should be an issue… but it is. Thanks Dad… this is the genetic legacy I get from you. At least I also have the low blood pressure, which means I should live a longer life… the downside is that I will spend a lot of it in discomfort.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1006

    I wrote yesterday that I had made some bad choices (or rather that the family had, and I went along with it). That trend continued yesterday when I ate the leftover deep-dish pizza for lunch. I am grateful that it is now gone (or at least the vegetarian one that I can eat is) and while I do not know what Leslie and I will end up doing for lunch, I can be certain that it will not be nearly as bad for my weight as the pizza was. The .2 lb. increase on the bathroom scale was no surprise. Now it is time to go the other way for a few days, and hopefully by the time I return to Canada I might be back below that dreaded mark.

    I will say that it is difficult to eat well with a 9-year-old boy whose pickiness must be accounted for. I do not fault him for my weight gain, I just think it will be easier to manage after he goes back to his father’s house tomorrow.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 1004

    You know you spend a lot of time traveling when the officer at US Customs and Border Protection’s secondary screening office greets you by name… before he is handed your passport. Because I am in the middle of the Green Card application process, every time I cross into the United States I am scrutinized to make sure I am not planning on staying. This trip was no different, and the nice officer put me at the front of the line and had me out of there in minutes. I was able to relax at the Admiral’s Club Lounge and enjoyed a reasonably (not entirely) healthy breakfast. The days of my worrying that I must have forgotten something are long behind me, and in a few minutes I will head down to the terminal to board my flight.

    By the way… I did forget something. I meant to bring a few meal replacement shakes with me, and I forgot to pack them. I am not worried because I brought plenty of protein bars for Leslie, so I might eat a few of them.

    It is so exciting that we are lets than five hours we will be together again. I am so looking forward to seeing her, my stepson, and of course the gorgeous Duchess of Mischief! Of course, when I dropped her off at Susan’s apartment last night it seemed that Princess Sophie knew that I was leaving again… I had forgotten to bring her bowl so I ran home to grab it, and when I returned she refused to come to me and looked at me with a glare that told me that she was not pleased with me. Sigh.

    The last couple of days have been unseasonably beautiful and warm in the Greater Toronto Area, and that is predicted to continue through Tuesday before the Canadian seasons return. That will have no affect on me until I return though, with the Texas autumn set to keep me warm during the days and cool but comfortable in the evenings.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 927

    I did slightly better yesterday than I had the previous couple of days, and while I did not lose weight this morning, I also did not gain weight. I will try to do even better today. It might be a bit difficult, as I am taking my son for his favourite lunch today… or at least I assume that is where he will ask to go. I have proven before that I can get through that meal without doing too badly, but I suspect that today I will refrain from eating anything and will prepare a meal when I get home. I make no promises about that, but I will try.

    MY knee felt better during the day yesterday, and I hoped that I would sleep well for it. What I did not account for was that I had eaten early, which meant that I took my last anti-inflammatory meds around 6:15pm. I slept like a log until I woke up at 3:00am to pee… and my knee was in agony again. I decided to take one pill at 3:45am because I had not been able to get back to sleep. I also rubbed some Voltaren into it. Those helped a little… but not much. I am really hoping that after a few days on the meds I will be better, but I will still be speaking with my doctor about it on Friday; if it is a question of upping my gout meds then let’s do that; if it is not, then we need to explore further what the issue is and find a solution.

    Okay, I am off to pick up my son. Have a great day folks!

  • Day 891

    It was a relief to see my weight drop by 1.4 lbs. this morning. I have not been doing very well with my eating, but I did a little bit better yesterday than I have been.

    I was supposed to take my son (the younger) for lunch today, but his mother asked me to change that to tomorrow, which means that tomorrow I will be eating two meals out, as there is a meeting on men’s mental health for a group that one of my Lodge brothers runs, so I promised to be there. I will do my best to stay on track with my eating at both meals. I recall that my last lunch with my sons was doable because of how I ordered, so if he insists on returning to the same restaurant, then I will order the same meal.

    I have had two good trips to the toilet thus far today. I expect that my body is getting back to whatever it feels normal is. I did have a meal replacement shake last night, to which I added a teaspoon of fibre powder. I was quite worried about that, but so far so good.

    Have a great day folks!

  • Day 879

    As I said I would, I took my sons to Lone Star Texas Grill for lunch yesterday. Now I remember clearly that the low-calorie meal that I usually order is the Fajita Bowl with grilled chicken, minus the cheese and the poblano crema. While the nutritional value lists this item as 810 calories with 1210mg of sodium, 18g of fat (5g saturated), 35g of carbohydrates, and 32g of protein, from what I can tell by removing the cheese and the poblano crema that would drop to 690 calories with 900mg of sodium, 6g of fat (0g saturated), 32g of carbohydrates, and 25g of protein. Overall, I think I did a decent job on that meal. Nevertheless, I decided to cut out two meal replacements yesterday, just in case…

    As I was chatting with Leslie last night, we discussed how difficult the first day back on the program can be. We were both hungry, and possibly even a little hangry… although not with each other. I told her that it was likely more difficult for her yesterday, if only for the fact that I had an actual lunch. I hope we will both make it through the next few days without too much difficulty.

    I told Leslie that I decided that when I weighed myself this morning, I would have lost a pound from yesterday. When I stepped onto the scale today (after a pretty decent bowel movement) I realized that I was not one pound down. In fact, I had dropped 3.8 lbs., my best weight since the day I put the program aside for the sake of being able to get through my classes. That was fifteen days ago. I am now only 1.4 lbs. from matching my best weight from this diet go-around… and two pounds from being able to cross off another mini milestone on my fridge chart! I am truly stoked about the progress. In fact, as I was writing this journal entry, I felt the urge and had another very productive bowel movement. I might have lost even more!

    I have a lot of work to do today but am still planning on going out for a jog after my midday meal replacement. This morning, I had a lovely video date with my wife on the balcony, and we again discussed our weight loss progress. She did well this morning as well, so we were both happy with our progress. As I have said in the past, she and I joke that on the first days of the program I only need to look at a shake to begin losing weight again, so even with the meal that I had, we had both expected I would do much better. Yay!

    I have been hungry these last couple of hours. I told Leslie that I did not want to enjoy my midday meal replacement until 12:30, and now that is only ten minutes away. I have also had a lot to drink… in addition to my three cups of coffee, I also finished two large bottles (750ml each) of water, which is very good to help my weight loss. It also means that I have spent a lot of time running to the loo, but that is to be expected.

    Okay, I am going to publish this article, drink my shake, and go for my jog/walk. I am going to try to do ten kilometres total (I will jog at least 3km, but possibly more), and I will walk the rest. My last outdoor jog/walk was 90 minutes, and I should be able to do that easily despite the heat (it is now 30°C and sunny), but I will listen to my body. I think the Army trained me to keep going despite any level of fatigue I may be feeling, but I know that I am no longer 22 years old and have to think of the aftereffects as well as what I may be feeling at the time. I will take my large bottle with me but will not hesitate to stop into a convenience store to replenish should I finish it.

    Speaking of the Army, I chatted with an uncle in Israel this morning. I need to get a copy of my service record to submit with my US Immigration papers, and the consulate informed me that I have to get that directly from the Army… and the Army finally responded to my email and told me that I need to call them for it. What a royal pain… without a contact in Israel it would be an expensive series of overseas calls to get it, so he will make the call and try to get it for me. I am crossing my fingers that they do not rebuff him… I suspect his rank should get through at least some of that bureaucracy though.

    Have a great day folks!